[msmiz]

I need some help with writing a letter. The right words to say. Here's the story. This is long please bear with me...

My best friend & I have been like sisters for the past 20 years. She is not very close to her own Mom and so my Mom has really been "her mom" all these years. Her Mom lives in Philly and so does her brother. She had a dog from a puppy & we both loved and raised the dog. She and the dog even lived with my Mom and I for awhile. I now live in a different city/state. So does my mom. My friend has some insecurity issues and struggles with her weight.

Well she got a new boyfreind who moved in with her & this guy was very jealous of the attention she gave the dog & she told me he had temper tamtrums and as well started abusing the dog. She said she had to take the dog to the vet weekly since he moved in. I totally flipped and told her she needed to re-evaluate this relationship and this guy needed to go before she got hurt. She ignored me. Then a few months later she kicked the guy out one night and called me. I was in a deep alseep when she called because I had gone to bed extra early so when I answered the phone she said "sorry I woke you I will call you tomorrow".. I said " Ok" and fell back to sleep.

The next day I called her and said "what's up" and she said "I had to kick him out of the house because he did something really heinous to the dog" but she would not tell me what. That night she had another friend come and spend the night with her because she was afarid and then called her other best friend (since childhood) in Philly & told her what happened.

So a few months later I go to visit and unknown to me she has moved the guy back in the house. I freaked out! I questioned her and she told me she had to learn to trust him again. Well the dog refused to leave my side the whole time I was there. The dog paced all night long.. she told me "the vet says the dog has anxiety"... I told her "hello this guy is causing her to have anxiety". When no one was home, the dog began going to the bathroom in the house, knocking over garbage, knocking papers off the table. Something this 12 yr old dog had never done in its entire life. The dog would cower under the table when the guy was around. I pointed all this out to my friend who simply said "it's just her old age". I told her if you won't put this guy out then put a camera in the house. She said "well I will just follow the dog's behaviour."... I am like 'wow how blind are you! Look at her behaviour! ".
This dog was very mild mannaered and would not bite a flea but I wish she had the courage to bit this guy. She was terrified of him.

One night while I was there visiting with my Mom we came in from dinner and the dog had knocked the papers on the floor and this guy could not control his anger in front of us and threw a chair. I totally went off. I pulled my friend aside and said "if he does this in front of us what would he do to her if we were not here?". She totally defended him. I once again told her my fears for the safety of both HER and the dog. I returned home very distraught.

June 2005: she called to tell me the dog had gotten ill and needed to be put down. I begged her to wait until I could come which would have been a week later. She would not wait. I was devasted because this was like my own child. I was sure this guy had something to do with this.

I went to Philly and visited the other close friend who told me that the night of kicking him out, my friend called & told her the heinous thing this guy did after she was unable to talk to me. She filled me in on the details. I was so upset I cried all night. It was like child abuse.

Because of this, the Philly friend told her she wanted nothing more to do with this guy and he was no longer welcome in her house & she did not want him near her kids. The Philly friend told her that when she comes to town the 2 women could get together but HE was not welcome. Well my friend got mad and now refuses to speak to the Philly friend. She is even godmother of the Philly girls child! I guess if i was not asleep she would have told me because she was obviously wanting to confide in someone.

I went to her house the next week and was so uncomfortable around this guy. I purposely stayed out as much as I could. Then a few months later she calles to tell me she is engaged to this guy. However we were 30 into the conversation before she told me.

Nov 2005: I flew her in for a visit and treated her to dinners and shopping and spas. The last day I told her exactly how I felt about this guy, and the whole situation. I asked her again what was the heinous thing he did (I wanted to see if she would tell me, even though I knew from the Philly friend) she refused. She said " I only told 2 people, the girl who spent the night and the girl in Philly and after HER reaction I vowed never to tell anyone else". I told her of ALL people I can not believe she would not tell me. She knows that if she told me it would only confirm everything I hav said about him. She told me "I know you think he killed the dog but weeks before she died she was going to him so he could pet her".

I told her I did not believe her and that I loved her and the last thing I wanted was to get a call that she was in the hospital & had been harmed by him. I told her this guy was not normal and abusing an animal is not normal behaviour and patterns show she could be next. She said I did not trust her judgement but that for now he was her life and that was that. She said she understood why he abused the dog. I told here there is no understanding or excuse for that. I said what if you had a small child and not a dog? I sk her if her family knew. She said no and they are very fond of him. I said it is all a character lie. So she should tell tehm teh truth and let them decide for themselves. I told her as her best friend I would be remiss if I was not honest with her. I told her I could never stay at her house again with him there. She told me he did not like me either. I know he was also jealous of me when I was there because my friend and I would spend a lot of time doing things.

Then she floored me by saying: "I could be with someone who is just normal and who KNOWS in the end what he'd be, look at Lacey Peterson she married Scott Peterson and everyone thought he was a great guy". I immedaitely said ..."Lacey had no clue about Scott but YOU know & you are still going forward." She said he is trying to change & they both see a shrink once a week (separatly).

She told me that it was HER life to live as she pleased and the topic was no longer up for discussion. I said "Fine but know I will never say... I told you so to you... & I will always be here for you".

So I have continued to stay in touch with her but have never told her I visited the girl in Philly & knew the details. I have never raised his name nor the dog's name in our conversations since then. I stopped calling her house and just email her now because she told a friend I was rude because, when I call if he answers I just ask for her I do not converse with him. So she sent me a nasty email about that. I threw a huge hotel birthday party for my mom and she refused to come because I told her he was not invited. She sent me a nasty email about that. I was working on a dedication in the dogs name to the Humane Society and was including the dog's photo she emailed me that I am not to use the dog's image for anything and that I am the reason for all her stress over the past few months & I am the one who is going to ruin our friendship. And she added nasty things to that email.

So I keep getting nasty emails from her because I do not accept this guy yet I have never responded to any of them. I have been trying to take the high road. So I do not respond to them, instead I wait a couple of days & send an email that is just congenial "how are you, how's work, weather. etc." Trying hard to hang on to whatever freindship is left. But I walk on eggs and bite my tongue everytime I commuicate with her. But after the last nasty email this week. I have had it!

I am so tired of getting dirt kicked in my face & being her kicking board and I feel like she is taking advantage of the fact that she sends me these nasty notes & I never respond to them. I feel there is no longer a ""quality" freindship there, but it is me "tolerating" her. Our integrity & values are no longer on par.

So, I want to write her & tell her that I have decided I need to walk away from this "freindship" at this point. There is nothing positive about it and it is something I need to do rght now. I want herto realize how he is isolating her. I also want her to know that I will still be here for her in the end. I do believe if one day she does "see the light" with this guy she will need to know I will not turn her away. I can only pray God protects her from this guy. I want to write this letter to her but I need to be clear about everything. I do not want any contact from her at all while things are the way they are in her life and remember... she says I am the reason she is stressed. More likely her guilt about him & the dog I say. Anyway suggestions would be greatly appreciated in choosing all the right words.

Sorry this was so long but I really believe you needed to see the whole picture.

[Tommyp!972]

Sounds like you know the words you have to say but are afraid because its might end a friendship...

Better to end a friendship and let her know the truth than to live a lie
This is eating you up inside so let it out...

Write her about everything you said here... DO NOT HOLD BACK..

I've seen this type of guy.. I use to hang out with them a long time ago... they treat their girlfriends exactly like he treats the dog..

Since you say she has a problem with her weight I'm guessing she feels like this guys the 1 to be with because he sticks around.. bad mistake

The right word are the words you choose to write that come from your heart

[JoeCanada76]

Exactly! Write everything in your letter straight from your heart. You do have the words and the heart. You do know that this friendship is already troubled and she is choosing abuse over a caring friendship. That is her choice in her life. She is blind and she has been warned but like you said as well. Remind her that no matter what happens whenever the timing is right and everything is all said and done you will be there for her whenever she sees the light and realizes that this abuse is wrong. You have to put these in your own words. Oh, you another thing is how do you know these emails are coming from her. If he is such a jealous and abusive and controlling person maybe he is writing the emails himself? Just a thought.

[valinors_sorrow]

I can really understand how sad and distressed you are about your friend. And I am really sorry to hear about the dog too - my condolences. I would advise that you not write the letter until you talk with a domestic violence professional or write it and not send it, and this is why:

I see some pretty strong evidence of how caught up in domestic violence your friend is. I see also that at one time she might have been more like you (more mentally well) but when the boyfriend came along, he began to influence her with his own "sickness".

It is a very very hard thing to watch, I know this from personal experience. In general, the "well" do not make the "sick" get weller but sadly the other way around, unless and until the professional people get involved.

The thing about this kind of "sickness" is it comes with denial (denial = don't even notice I am lying) And I see in your dealings with her, your repeated attempts to break through her denial to no avail. She now only builds the walls higher at your every attempt, doesn't she?

The bad news is she likely believes (and this is a VERY common trap) that he is her only chance for a relationship. And out of desperation she is hanging on to the very source that is essentially making her "sicker". That is what significantly contributes to the domestic abuse cycle continuing.

I can understand fully any of her friends or family needing to distance themselves in this - that is a smart move. This sickness can potentially spread (just like it has in your friend) although certainly not like a virus. This is why the professionals are needed. Sadly your friend, much like an someone with an addiction, must want the help though and I am not seeing much evidence of that.

Look up the domestic violence people in your phone book. Call and make an appointment to talk with one at length. Then consider writing your letter since you will have a much better understanding of what all has taken place.

I hope this helps and that you find some peace in your heart as you let go and love her from a distance. I can tell you I have loved quite a few that way myself.

[Fr_Chuck]

Don't write any letter, she knows how you feel, women in abusive relatoinshiops are controlled by these men. The men use either emotional and/or physical abuse to lower the self esteme of the women. Over time the women feels that only this man understands her and she does not deserve any better relationship. ( over simple but basic idea)

So it is best ( in my opinoin) just to walk away quietly, and leave the gate open for her to come to you when she is finally abused and hurt enough personally. She will not need any I told you so, but I still love you regardless.

Walk away, but don't build a fense.

[msmiz]

Note to: Jesushelper76
you asked: how do you know these emails are coming from her

I know they are from her because she emails me from work not from home.
Note to all: she says he has never touched her in any way. She prob would not tell me anyway if he did.

[msmiz]

Note to Fr Chuck:
You wrote: She will not need any I told you so, but I still love you regardless.

In my original posting I wrote:
She told me that it was HER life to live as she pleased and the topic was no longer up for discussion. I said "Fine but know I will never say... I told you so to you...& I will always be here for you".

That was something I told her to her face last November & I certainly meant that.

[educatedhorse_2005]

Write your letter and tell her that when she realizes the guy is the wrong one that you will be there for her.

It took my sister 11 years to realize this.
Her ex husband started abusing animals and then moved to her it started mental abuse and moved to physical.
Then when the kids where born it got worse.
But she wouldn't listen to us.
We just stayed in the wings and picked up the pieces.

[milliec]

I agree with chuck, don't build any fence between you.
He's controlling her, she got into this relationship because of her law sel esteem she has a problematic family history which will almost sure mold her into the woman she is (there's a great book on this subject:"women who love too much" by robin norwood)
She might suffer mental abuse, which, in my opinion is the worst: physical abuse might kill your body, but mental abuse might leave you with an undamaged body, but a dead soul. A living dead...
Write how much you care.
That her last emails are too painful for you to keep ut going like this.
That you'll always love her and cherish your friendship, and you'll always be there when she needs your help.
He's done his best to isolate her, she's in a terrible spot.
I can't find enough warm words to express the way I feel about your relationship with her.
She's lucky to have a friend like you, I think you're a wonderful person.
I wish you luck, and to be able to heal your pain, for your sake (and hers)
Millie

[msmiz]

I will take all you have said into consideration. Thanks for your input. This is a difficult situation for me but I saw it coming a long time ago. I have another friend she talks to regulary who will keep me abreast of what is going on.

She is engaged to him, but so far no talk of an actual wedding date. There have been many painful moments is all of this but I can only pray that she will see the light and soon.

She has always written to me that "he is her life" and if anyone ruins our friendship it will be me not her. She wrote "this is YOUR issue not mine & his".

She is a beautiful, giving intelligent woman making really bad choices.

[valinors_sorrow]

She is a beautiful, giving intelligent woman making really bad choices.

How wise and how rare to see someone hang on to the "big picture" in the heat of great difficulty.

I applaud your framing it in this way and hope one day she can return as your friend, and if not, that you always remain as gracious as this so elegantly demonstrated.