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JudyKayTee · Sep 23, 2008, 01:32 PM

My husband was Jewish (raised Orthodox). I am Christian. We talked about all sorts of things when he was dying and he said over and over that he did not want me to visit the cemetery for the first year OR until I had "moved on." He asked for no promises and I made none.

I did keep the promises I made - that I would buy a double plot and a joint headstone and eventually we would be buried together; that his would be a private burial.

Well, it's not close to a year and I sure as heck haven't "moved on" but his birthday is this weekend and I would like to go.

Is not going to the cemetery for a year a religious concept or his personal thought? A neighbor told me it is disrespectful to take flowers to a Jewish grave. Is that true?

Gem_22205 · Sep 23, 2008, 02:15 PM

My family was just discussing this very issue some days ago. Visitors can bring live flowers although the Orthodox custom, which many other Jewish people also do, is to put stones on the grave instead. Putting a pebble on the grave is an expression of someone having visited to pay respect for the deceased person.

Flowers and Funerals in Judaism

BABRAM · Sep 24, 2008, 02:08 PM

There is a mourning period of one year when we lose our parents. The deceased husband may had wanted to you to treat your mourning period as the same, out of respect. Normally the unveiling of the tombstone is done at one year time. A Yahrzeit candle is lit and can burn for a 24 hr period in memory of a close deceased family member. Yizkor (a special prayer for the deceased member) is recited in synagogue. If your husband had a brother or sister I would confer with them. If your unable to communicate with his other Jewish family members, you may still visit the cemetery, provide a prayer of your own faith, and leave a small stone, perferebly though at your husband's request on the anniversary of his death.

JudyKayTee · Sep 24, 2008, 02:24 PM

Originally Posted by BABRAM

Well there is mourning period of one year when we lose our parents. The deceased husband may had wanted to you to treat your mourning period as the same, out of respect. Normally the unveiling of the tombstone is done at one year time period. A Yahrzeit candle is lit and can burn for a 24 hr period in memory of a close deceased family member. Yizkor (a special prayer for the deceased member) is recited in synagogue. If your husband had a brother or sister I would confer with them. If your unable to communicate with his other Jewish family members, you may still visit the cemetery, provide a prayer of your own faith, and leave a small stone, perferebly though at your husband's request on the anniversary of his death.

Thank you - no, there is no one I can ask. His brother preceded him in death by less than a year.

I am aware of the candle (which the funeral director gave me).

I'll give this some thought - again, thank you. I didn't want to show disrespect but on the other hand - he's my husband and it's his birthday.

BABRAM · Sep 24, 2008, 02:26 PM

There is some religious reasoning to your husband's request found in the Talmud. Basically it's believed that the soul and body still maintain together before the soul's departure usually no longer than one year after death. Sort of a pergutory period.

JudyKayTee · Sep 24, 2008, 02:28 PM

Originally Posted by BABRAM

There is some religious reasoning to your husband's request found in the Talmud. Basically it's believed that the soul and body still maintain together before the souls departure usually no longer than one year after death. Sort of a pergutory period.

Thank you - I didn't know this. It would be inappropriate for me to go to the cemetery - he apparently had a religious reason for asking me not to go.

I feel better about the whole situation.