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JamesCH · Sep 22, 2008, 12:44 AM

Been a while since I have come here for advice but I figured I would give this another try as it helped me with my last relationship. Here about 3 weeks ago I started seeing this new girl. We hit it off really well, have hung out a couple times, and on more than one occasion we have stayed up all night talking on the phone. She is fairly new to being single, just got out of a serious relationship about 2 months ago so that is a bit of a worry.

Anyway here is the problem. Tonight she got back from out of town. She texts me that she is back home safe etc but then I get a text that her ex is at the door. They broke up 2 months ago because he was cheating on her and now he wants her back. She said that he proposed to her and all that and she just laughed at him. Well anyway she keeps texting me throughout the night giving me a play by play of what is going on. Pretty much he is just spilling his heart out and she is just ignoring or laughing at all of it.

The thing that bothers me about this situation though is the fact that she is entertaining the idea of it him it seems. Honestly, if my ex shows up at my door I probably wouldn't let her in. Is this something that I should be worried about or am I just overthinking things? I keep telling myself she has to do it to get closure but I am just afraid that might not be the case...

chuff · Sep 22, 2008, 03:24 AM

Why if he was there would she stop every 10 minutes and text you? The whole thing comes off as though she's making it up. Furthermore, if it was true I wouldn't answer it or bring attention to it. That is their relationship and it has nothing to do with you.

talaniman · Sep 22, 2008, 04:56 AM

Sounds like a game for your benefit to me. Whatever it is don't play it.

JamesCH · Sep 22, 2008, 08:20 AM

Well I don't believe it is made up. Every so often when we hang out he texts or tries to call her and I even see the messages so I don't doubt that he would try to pull something like that.

I am just split on whether I should try to take a role in this and help her through it or just letting her figure things out on her own...

Romefalls19 · Sep 22, 2008, 08:51 AM

Nope, don't get involved, let her sort her own life out. It's not your job to help her through this

Dragonfly1234 · Sep 22, 2008, 09:18 AM

If you feel uneasy about this, then your intuition is trying to tell you something, don't ignore it.

fjsmith81 · Sep 22, 2008, 09:39 AM

I am going to go a different approach than everyone else. If you like this girl and everything else is OK then I think that you should continue seeing her. People act differently to certain situations and you should not expect her to act like you. I think the reason that she is entertaining the ex boyfriend and his antics is so that she can make him feel like a fool. She was probably really hurt when he cheated and she probably wants to hurt him and make sure she sees it. Is there a possibility that she will forgive him? Yes. Is there a possibility that she will like you more and forget totally about him? Of course. When it comes to other people it is a good rule of thumb to wait and see how things play out. But, do not interfere with that relationship, just be there for her.

Good luck

asking · Sep 22, 2008, 09:40 AM

I think it really happened, she was feeling overwhelmed by him and needed to talk to someone and you she saw you as her best ally at the moment. I'm guessing she would have liked to have someone there with her. The only question I have is if she doesn't have the boundaries to tell him to leave, she needs to work on communicating the word "no," not only to her ex, but to other people in her life.

Dragonfly1234 · Sep 22, 2008, 10:08 AM

The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. If ridiculing her ex makes her feel better then in my opinion, there are still feelings there. You don't want to be the rebound guy. But I do agree that everyone is different and who knows, she could very well be totally over him and is just dealing with the situation as best as she can. Still not my first impression though...

BertaK · Sep 22, 2008, 10:30 AM

If he cheated on her and she ended the relationship, she may still have strong feelings for him. It is a difficult situation, but before you can have a relationship, she needs to figure out what she wants. Let her dance with the ex-boyfriend. Stay alert and cautious. Be her friend and be there to listen. If it's too much for you to handle, get out.

talaniman · Sep 22, 2008, 10:49 AM

The only thing you have that tells you about this female, is what she does, and getting texts from an ex is a telling sign that something is going on.

If your gonna play this game, question the rules. If she has unfinished business, then why invest yourself without knowing more facts.

That's the thing, you know nothing, and getting in to deep before you do would be rather foolish, wouldn't it??

fjsmith81 · Sep 22, 2008, 11:06 AM

Originally Posted by Dragonfly1234

The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.

This is my favorite line to use, I tell my friends that all of the time, but they don't believe me.

JamesCH · Sep 22, 2008, 05:41 PM

I appreciate the answers so far. Let me tell you what I did.

I told her if what she is telling me is true and she hates her ex for cheating then she will have no problem ignoring his texts and deleting his number.

The way I feel, with her responding to every text, no matter how hateful it is, it just gives him the slightest glimmer of hope that she will change her mind just because she is paying attention to him. If she just outright ignored him, then it means that he hasn't even crossed her mind and has moved on...

I simply told her you either ignore him and we can keep going with wherever things are going or if she is going to keep him on deck like that then I am gone...