[chill2001]

Hi I have been constantly thinking that I might be gay and its killing me I need some help. I want to start of by telling you a little bit about me. I am 20 and have always thought and fanicised about women I have always wanted to get married and have childeren ever since I can remember. I have never thought about a man in a sexual way before or could I picture myself with one. I love everything about a woman. I want to tell you a little bit about this last year because it might help. I moved away from home really far away for the past year to go to school. It started a blast going to the beach and checking out the women, going to the mall, and etc. I was missing my family a lot and mostly this girl I was talking to all the time from back home I really missed her, but we ended up losing contact. I then had to move because of money problems and I moved in with this kid I pritty much just meet, I started to smoke a lot of weed which I never did before, I mean blunt after blunt and it pritty much became a drug habbit. That's all I did for awhile and one night after smoking I was feeling my back because it was hurting and that when I had like a panic attack or something because my heart started to race, I turned pale, I was shaking, and I thought I was going to die. The weed was not laced because the other people I was smoking with were fine. That's when everything started to go bad I crashed my only form or transportation, my bike blew up and that's what sucked the most, I hated were I was living because of all the drugs, I missed my family and friends and really wanted to go home but didn't want to let my family down. That's when I fell into a deep depression I thought of suicide and I felt alone. I felt like I didn't know how to talk to people anymore like I was always being judged and started to just keep to myself and pritty much shut myself off from everything. This went on for awhile and I lost a lot of weight and I finally moved out when my roommate stole from me. I moved to a place were I was making friends and started to come out of my depression but I really wanted to go home and see my family and friends. I hated my job but couldn't quit because I needed the money. I lived there for awhile until I moved to my own place were I started to talk to my x girlfriend and I couldn't wait to get back and see her. A couple of months went by and that's when I showed a pic of my x to my friend and he said to me "wow" and I was starting to think you were gay.. I was stunned by this because its not like I haven't been intimate a women and when I am I love it. Its not like I didn't want to have a girlfriend its just that I never went out of my place because I didn't have the money and I didn't want to get a girlfriend down here because if I fell in love I knew I would be leaving soon. I never had the chance to go out because of school and work so I figured I would just wait till I got home because I still loved my x girlfriend and we have been talking about getting back together. A couple of days after that is when I was thinking about it and watching TV and saw a man and it got me excited. I have never been ecited by a man before. I mean I have looked at a man and been like why can't I be better looking like him so that I could get the girls like he does or man I wish that I was built like that guy but it was never in a sexual way. I have always thought that I was unatractive and fat and it has stopped me from being myself and talking to lots of women like I would like to. I have been under a lot of stress lately and haven't been feeling like I used to when I was happy I can't remember the last time that I was really happy I get these filling like I don't want to live my heart starts racing out of no where I have been getting headaces every night and I can't sleep at night cause I am always worried and this has been going on for awile even before this but now it worse. I can't picture myself with a man it doesn't feel right to me so if anybody has ever experience this before or someone can help me I would really apprieate that. I don't know if it has anything to do with anxiety or depression but I just need to know because its always on my mind I can't stop thinking about it.

[jjwoodhull]

You are not gay. You are in love with and sexually attracted to your x. It sounds like you are very easily influenced - first with the drugs, then with the "gay" comment. It also sounds like you don't stand up for yourself - living in unhappy situations. Work on yourself confidence and you will be fine. :cool:

[Fr_Chuck]

No, in need of serioius counseling on many levels, but no gay

[Ash123]

No, not gay.

But confused indeed.

You need to a therapist. Your quick dependence on drugs quick cuts away from reality is the bigger issue here.

You seem to have major anxiety issues and you need to deal with that so life does not eat you up.

[headraccoon]

Sounds like you need a good friend to talk to on a regular basis. I see nothing wrong in looking a guy and thinking he's hot. Maybe we all have a little Bi in us. Hang in there and keep telling yourself that you can work through your issues. I'd bet good days are right around the corner for you.

Your friend,
Headraccoon

[chill2001]

No, not gay.

But confused indeed.

You need to a therapist. Your quick dependence on drugs quick cuts away from reality is the bigger issue here.

You seem to have major anxiety issues and you need to deal with that so life does not eat you up.

I just have a couple quick question how would I go about going to a therapist descretly and If I did would they keep in between them and me?

[nickeknew]

I just have a couple quick question how would I go about going to a therapist descretly and If I did would they keep in between them and me?

Yes they usually do

[kminni01]

I just want to say, everything will be all right. I can't say that I've had the exact situation you are having, but I've pretty much been there. The last year I was trying to come out with my bisexual lifestyle to my family and friends, but it was hard because my family is VERY catholic based and I didn't really think that my friends would understand and that's when I tried killing myself. I'm not proud of it, but I try to make a bad situation into a positive by trying to help other people. Killing yourself will not solve any problems and I'm not saying that you are planning on it... I hope to God not, but the day it happened with me, I didn't wake up that morning and say "hey I think I'l kill myself today", but I'm just saying that because I don't want you to get hurt like that. It's the worst thing you could ever do.
Now more to helping you answer your question... in my own opinion, I've never met you and I could be wrong, but by what I've read from your post... I honestly wouldn't say that you're gay. You still have feelings for your X. It is completely fine to have feelings towards the same sex and or both. Whatever floats your boat, but you shouldn't be too worried about being torn between one or the other. Variety is the spice of life lol. But it's OK to have those feelings. Don't label yourself. Labels just make life more complicated. It's OK to be gay or straight or bi or whatever. Just don't pin yourself down with a label. I hope at least some of what I said helped you. :)
I'm not going to lie, depression can make you think and feel things that you never have before and if you haven't already, talk to someone, a professional, about it and see what they think. It never hurts to get others opinions, but don't just go with whatever everyone else tells you, you also need to search yourself for that answer also... if that doesn't sound too corny lol, sorry. But good luck to you sir and I hope everything turns out for the better! :)

<3 kt

[Ash123]

It is 100% confidential to see a therapist. They can be found by asking your doctor for a recommendation or by seeking a free counselor through a college-if you attend one. Or via googling your city and psychologists or psychiatrists or counseling... also psychology today has a search feature online for therapists near you. They will cost $110 a week though and may be more than a social worker in yellow pages who can find you less expensive help. You will feel a lot better if you talk things out and look back a few years to explore how you got here and your insecurities. Good luck!
Life is better when we understand ourselves and others a little better.

NOTE: I would guess a traditional pro therapist is TOO expensive at this time for you... so, look into lower cost options by asking your doctor, social worker, counseling agency or group for counseling and psychologist ideas through friends, Google, or yellow pages. Goood luck!

[marleniss2006]

G o to a therapist it will help you a lot my friend... good luck

[Choux]

The way you have lived your life has caused you to fall into a state of confusion.

In my opinion, you have to address the problem of immaturity and confusion. I see no separate sexuality problem to be addressed at this time.

Best wishes going forward! :)

[hellokittykat]

I think A therapist is needed, but also a good friend.
Drugs and alocohole are NEVER the answer, they just more more problems and make things harder.
Talking to people about it always helps.
I've been in a situation like that, and I talked to a man online about it and he was so helpful. I'm not saying 'go talk to randoms via chat rooms' [I had been speaking to him for over three years] But talk.

I don't think your gay ether, and I don't think your sexuality is the heart of your confussion.

[fjsmith81]

When it comes to sexuality you can view it as a spectrum. On one end you have your black let's call that side strictly hetero. Then on the other end of the spectrum we have your white, and that side is the homosexual side. But let us not forget what's inside the spectrum the dark greys and the light greys. They have done studies, I know first hand, thank you college level human sexuality. But anyway, everything that's in the middle are people that are bisexual, have bisexual thoughts and never act on them, imagines what it will be like to have sex with the same sex, and so on. Most of the world falls into that gray area. It is very rare that someone is strictly homosexual and strictly heterosexual. You got turned on by a guy, big deal. You're bisexual when you have an overwhelming desire to act on those feelings. So you can breath a sigh of relief on that issue.
I do however, believe like everyone, that you have some serious issues that you need to address. People get their PHd's to help everyone, especially people like you that are confused and want to talk. Don't worry they are very discreet, and they are mandated by law to never discuss anything that you tell them, unless you want to harm yourself or others. Btw it does sound like you have a bit of anxiety, a big tell tale sign are the panic attacks. Just speak to a therapist and I think you will be fine after you work through some issues that you have, and don't give up. Sometimes you don't see results right away, but eventually you will and you will be a much happier person.

Good luck

[cogs]

On the physical side, your back hurting and your anxiety, as well as depression, could be caused by all the junk in your system. I recommend getting a bottle of olive oil, and taking 2-3 tablespoons daily, or every other day, until it's gone. It'll clean out your system, esp. your liver and colon, so you won't be so anxious. And as far as being gay, I can see you're lonely, so don't let that pull you down. Either be with your g/f, or break up and find another girl. Do not, do not believe the lie that somehow suicide is the end of your problems. You want life, not death. And you don't want to hurt yourself permanently if you remain alive. Keep your health, mind and body.