[tommy10]

Just want to begin by thanking anyone who responds to this question and for all the responses I have gotten in the past with other issues. Right now I am in my 7 month of marriage and it is not going as I had hoped.

We both have totally different personality types( I'm much more laid back while she is very aggressive and in your face), in the recent weeks I have become withdrawn in a way as she when getting upset yells a lot and is often critical of me. I do, to my own knowledge, take it too personal. I have addressed this and tried to explain that it makes me feel as if she views me always in a negative light. I have asked her to curb the screaming and cussing, she replies she is working on it but I might just have to live with it.

All this is starting to affect my outlook on my marriage and wonder if we just are too different. She often states I'm not completely open with her about things that are bothering me, when I do open she oftens gets mad and we start all over again. She says she's under stress and therefore that's why she's irritable. I myself am under stress as well but don't take to pushing people's buttons. The main concern above all else is when I get my kids for the weekend( kids from a previous marriage) I find myself walking on egg shells waiting for her to become aggitated and an argument begin as she cannot control her outbursts at times. This is starting to take away from my time with them and I'm very frustrated with this, mainly that she can't talk in a civil manner with me when problems arise.

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

[jjwoodhull]

Would she agree that you are not getting along well? Tell her that you love her and that you want your marriage to work. Ask her if she will go to couples counseling with you. If she says yes, make an appointment immediately. If she says no, then I would think that she is not too interested in making things better.

[StaticFX]

... well holy crap. You have described my marriage to the T!!

We are the same way.. I'm laid back, she is negative. We have been together for... 21 years (married 13 now). We lasted this long because I was always able to just let things roll off my back. More recently I can't do it anymore.. and started to take it to heart.

I would suggest couples counseling. It WORKS. Most issues people have stem from childhood in one way or another. We have discovered a lot. And its really helping. Fights are less frequent, and not as heated. More understanding each other now. Good luck! You CAN make it work

Oh, and about counseling... go and meet the therapist. If you don't feel comfortable right away... pick another. Took us a few tries to find this one... and let me tell you, we both wish she would adopt us! She's awesome.

[Dragonfly1234]

I agree with StaticFX but, you may also want to look into the possibility that medication or birth control pills are making her irritable. This may not be the case at all but some birth control pills are known to make a woman's hormones all out of whack and really affect her mood. Also, try to notice if she isn't worse when PMSing, again some women have a hard time gaining control over their emotions when PMSing, her doctor could help with that if she discusses it with him.

[BetrayalBtCamp]

I have asked her to curb the screaming and cussing, she replies she is working on it but I might just have to live with it.

Umm, no you don't have to live with that. It's emotional / verbal abuse & it's not good for either of you to have it happen regularly. It's an extremely bad habit she's gotten into & like any habit will take concerted effort to change. It's also a very poor form of communication.

Getting some professional guidance to help your wife find better ways to express her anger and/or frustrations is highly recommended since it won't go away by itself & will likely get even worse. Since your marriage is so new, it would greatly benefit you both to start putting in place the foundation for a great marriage right away. Screaming & cussing isn't part of that equation.

There are many helpful & inexpensive resources you can easily find online as well as programs. Off the top of my head, I suggest you check out these weekend ones which have the same format but are offered at different times:

Welcome to Worldwide Marriage Encounter Home Page

Retrouvaille Marriage Help for couples with marriage problems.

[bgood1967]

A female's point of view... (1) When I get PMS I feel crappy but that is no excuse to take it out on my spouse. (2) She knew you and the kids came as a package deal so she has no excuses for her behavior when the children are present. (3) Counseling will work only if you both want it to. Does she want this to work or does she just want out? (4) Women are as guilty as men of abuse in a relationship, they're just less physical usually. Recognize verbal abuse, emotional manipulation, and lack of respect from her for what it is.

[talaniman]

When she gets like that leave with no fanfare, or back talk, and come back later, and explain when she is calmer that you just ain't taking that kind of behavior. (you may have to live with it my azz! ) Stay calm, and don't take her rants personal. How long does she take to calm down? How have you been dealing with her, before you were married?

Her actions must have some consequences. Especially if she doesn't want help from a third party. Make your feelings known in a calm non-blaming way, but let it be known what your boundaries are.

[jennysolano18]

Well you know what I learned when I got married 1 year ago. Is that people need to adjust to each other because even though you think you know that person they are totally different once you live with them. I can see that you are trying and that is good, you shouldn't feel bad because you are doing your part. Now if she is not willing to change for you then sadly this marriage will never work out. Let me tell you something, I was exactly like her when I got married. My husband would always be trying to talk to me about how he felt and what he didn't like and I would just yell and scream because I thought that he wanted to blame everything on me. Then 1 day I got home from work and I was stressed and tired, so right away I started having a attitude with him. And he asked me something I will never forget. He looked into my eyes and asked me "Why do you treat me this way? What have I done to you to deserve this from you?" I was speechless and I wanted to cry. From that day forward I changed, I realized that my husband would put up with a lot from me, and I don't think any other man would have put up with so muh like he did. Another man would have been like screw you I don't have to deal with this. So maybe you should do something like that and if she dosen't change or at leazt try, she isn't worth you time.

[liz28]

My question is was she this way before marriage? Her outbursts or ways might have nothing to do with hormones nor her being on her period but might be because she don't how to communicate nor control her anger. Her doing this in front on your kids isn't good either and it can put a strain on your relationship with them. Signs are always around to tell you about a person but someone we ignore it. Besides marriage counselling I think she might need indivual counselling to control herself. Talk to her and see what she saids and if refuse to talk or wants to argue then you have some tough decisions to make but your kids are first. Good Luck.

[sylvan_1998]

Okay to some extent that is me!! I am the one with the outbursts!! It comes from frustration and feeling not heard or valued. I have tried not to outburst but 20 minutes later it is 10 times worse than if I just outburst. So, I recognize this in myself. She must somehow do this also. It would be best done if she did not feel as if she were being attacked.

Next, talk to her out of the moment and really lay in on the line. If she is rational and loves you, she will not want to hurt you. And most of all, when she is in the moment, try to get her to understand what she is really mad about. Is is the dirty underwear on the floor or that she feels alone and used. Is it really the time you got home or was she worried something had happened.

My anger sometimes is my best defense.

Good Luck!