[sea breeze]

Hi everyone

First post here - lots of well informed people on this site so thought I'd ask!

Broke up with ex couple of months back (his call after a row), we decided to be friends, stayed in touch via text yet never got round to meeting because he was always busy and put it off. Eventually I got tired of it and blew a fuse. He told me to get lost and not to contact him again. I left it as I knew I had caused most of the rows. It's the same old story I wasn't that into him at the start, told him few times lets leave it but he always came back, I didn't care whether he did at the time!

Then I got 'into' him all of a sudden and made all the classic mistakes. Not attractive. Although I still didn't take any BS

Now we weren't in love or even dating a long time. I know my job here is to move on, I have read a lot of literature and I know you are not supposed to contact him. Hoever after a month I did, just text said hope your well, life too short for this, no hard feelings.

His reply wasn't nasty but he said it would be best if we had no contact. Obviously I will respect his wishes but I am confused as to why this attitude? I was naturally hurt and just agreed and said OK, I 'm inclined to agree -even though I didn't really!

I get it that people handle things in different ways but he doesn't seem the bitter type. I isn't dumb honest! The only reason I ask for opinions is I do not hold grudges myself and I find myself blaming me, saying wow he must really think bad of you if he don't even want to talk!

Any opinions would be gratefully received!

[Krs]

Then don't hold grudges, if it wasn't meant to be than it wasn't.

[fredg]

Hi,
Your ex sounds like he really liked you a lot! He doesn't want to be friends, because it's hard for someone who is trying to get over you.
If you want a good relationship with someone, it's based on trust, love, caring, compromise, and wanting the other person to be happy. Arguing is not wanting the other person to be happy.
Compromise is the key to any good relationship.
I do wish you the best, and I would follow his wishes. Move on, SMILE, and make some new friends.
PS; You said "we weren't in love", but do you actually know he wasn't? It could also be that, if he wasn't in love with you, that he is ready to move on with his life to new friends.

[NeedKarma]

"why this attitude?"

Because you tend to "blow a fuse" and "caused most of the rows".
Perhaps he wants someone who is a little less like that.

[talaniman]

If it were me I would let it go and move on to other things that are more important than a relationship that is over,so forgive yourself and enjoy your freedom.:cool: :)

[sea breeze]

Thanks all for taking the time to reply.

Needkarma the truth hurts but you are right! There is no excuse for arguing particularly in the early stages when things are supposed to be rosy in the garden. I was just so insecure and didn't know where I stood with him he wasn't the most emotional person!

I've learned a lot about myself and my relationships through this brief relationship as it's the first time I admitted that I was causing problems and just threw the rest away. I wish I knew this earlier as he was a pretty nice guy. But I guess everything happens for a reason so hopefully with what I have learned I won't be letting any nice guys slip through my fingers again!

I just wanted him to see that I had changed and show him with my new found confidence I could go back to the way I was at the start because man did I change. I was so funny and cocky when we first met. Didn't make myself too available but that wasn't a tactic I just wasn't that into him! Little did I know I should have kept it up.

I know now that there is no hope of a reunion, I guess I always knew but his no contact comment just confirmed it. But I have gained confidence for me anyway so it certainly wasn't a wasted journey.

Thanks again

[NeedKarma]

I don't know how old you are but rest assured that we've all been through this and it's part of the "process" as it were. This is how you find out what works for you and what doesn't. Also you cannot help but learn a little about your own personality which in turn helps you select a compatible mate - geez that sounds so clinical :D

[sea breeze]

Too embarrassed to say because I guess you imagine I am a teenager with this carry on ha!!

Put it this way I am old enough to know better!! I'm 30 but its only in the last few weeks I realised I'm not very good at relationships, none of the other boyfriends were that great to me so it was easy to continue blaming them for what went wrong instead of looking at myself. Anyhow as I said everything happens for a reason. Thanks again for reply.

[Wildcat21]

He is sick of your games and blow ups.

You shouldn't have contacted him. He trying to get over you and probably has - he probably sees other people. He's basically said he has moved on and doesn'twant to be friends.

WHY the text messages at age 30? Text are fun for non-serious stuff or communicate when your dating - but pick up the freaking phone - it means a lot more.

[sea breeze]

We've always communicated by text. I think its less intrusive than a phone call particularly if you are not sure that the person wants to talk to you or what they might be doing. I treat my friends the same way usually text first and ask are they free to talk then I call. I always thought it was good manners but perhaps in this case cowardice.

I'm not getting defensive - well actually I guess I am. The last row we had was because he said he wanted to be friends and meet up for coffee yet kept putting it off yet he would text at 3am or 4am to see if he could call over for sex after he'd been out drinking. I said no, even though I really wanted to see him and it was hard but I knew if I let him that it would never be anymore than that. That's why I blew a fuse. He wanted to use me, or at least that's how it felt. And if he wasn't getting anything out of it i.e sex than he couldn't be arsed finding the time to meet me, he was too busy mowing the lawn, shoppiing or fixing the shower.

I never played games but I won't deny the blow ups, I guess friends beat around the bush, won't tell you like it is. That's why a strangers opinion is always better I feel - a friend wouldn't say because he didn't need your crap.

Thank you for your advice. Direct, to the point and clear.

**Edited to add - wildcat may I ask please - I have read a few other posts on people trying to get back with their ex boyfriends/girlfriends and your advice is always no contact. Is this indefinate no contact ever? When you say I shouldn't have text him I was trying to open the line of communication - he broke up with me. I thought a month was sufficient space to let him cool off? I know my relationship is over I am just asking out of curiousity now.

[sea breeze]

I have to say this has been most helpful. With people giving their honest, objective opinions I felt almost in a position where I had to defend myself :p

But it has made the rose tinted glasses come off at last. I realise you are only going based on the inforamaiton I gave above however that is the rose tinted glasses version of events.

He was a nice guy no denying but my instincts told me I was being used. Admittedly I went about finding out if I was being used in a most undignifeid manner but I got my answers I just chose to ignore them. Well I didn't that's when I would finish but he would come back and I would accept his excuses

His friend said sounds like she could be the one, his reply was no she's just good in bed. I won't say how I found out but he justified it by saying that was the way his friend behaved and wouldn't have expected any other reply.

On one occasion he wanted to come and visit. Without going into details (I guess it was a test, sad I know) I said sure but, lets just say sex wasn't an option that night - he didn't call.

The last row when we broke up was because he was winding me up, he wanted it over, he couldn't say it and he knew what buttons to press, I fell for the bait.

Sorry about the long post this is very therapeutic writing it down!

[milliec]

I'm sorry if I got something wrong along the line, but your last post sort of reverses everything (remember wildcat's recommendation to give as many details as possible?)
What I understand from this last post is that he treated you in a very bad manner, don't see any friendship here, don't think I could not blow my top if it got the way you describe it:
"he said he wanted to be friends and meet up for coffee yet kept putting it off yet he would text at 3am or 4am to see if he could call over for sex after he'd been out drinking. "

What I can't understand, why do YOU still wish you were together?
He doesn't seem to respect you.
Forget about not getting in touch to make him call - you'll be better of without him - free to find someone right for you, who'll consider you as a person and not as someone destined to fulfill HIS needs only.
I wish you the best of luck,
Millie

p.s. since I don't live in the states, and english is not my language, so to say,I didn't comment on:
"a friend wouldnt say because he didnt need your crap."
Because I'm not sure I got it right, from what I understood I think it's worth some attention.
m.
:)

[sea breeze]

Thank you. As I just posted above I have realised this only now. SHould have written it down sooner! The reason I wanted him back is because I was blaming myself for the break up. When looking back at it, I don't really think it was my fault, I was reacting to the way he was treating me. I just didn't know it.

Thank you again.

[Wildcat21]

"wildcat may i ask please - i have read a few other posts on people trying to get back with their ex boyfriends/girlfriends and your advice is always no contact. Is this indefinate no contact ever? When you say i shouldnt have text him i was trying to open the line of communication - he broke up with me. I thought a month was sufficient space to let him cool off? i know my relationship is over i am just asking out of curiousity now."

Minimum 2 months - never seen LESS than 2 months work - 3 is better. But, you also have to work on yourself - improve yourseld. FInout why you broke. He needs to miss you and you need to realize if he is worth or not. AND, you must date, date, date.

No more tough questions when you finally see him. Usually when a guy uses a woman, she is just WAY too available to him - he takes for granted.

[sea breeze]

Thanks I really do appreciate you taking the time to reply.

Think I will just chalk this one up to experience and take that experience with me to the next one. Been on one date so far, didn't feel right.

But my standards are up since I met my ex so something good comes out of everything. I isn't going to go out with the first guy that asks anymore.

It all boils down to sex at the end of the day. I made him wait. It didn't make a difference. But apparently I'm good in bed and I am very highly sexed so it becomes the be all and end all of my relationships. It becomes my best feature so to speak and I think that's why he hung around so long :D And it has been my experience that they always come back - in fact I got a text from an ex from ages back there the other day saying he missed me! They are always too late though.

That's TMI sorry!

[Wildcat21]

Takes a lot of frogs to find a prince. It's good to make them wait - my gal I am seeing now will test to that 1000%.