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Kron · Sep 11, 2008, 10:04 AM

I wish that I would have found this site yesterday, although I kind of got the NC rule from another site, not nearly as good as this... anyways

My situation I believe is a unique one, that's why I've come here to ask for some advice.

I have been in a long distance relationship for 11 months and we have seen each other in person 5 times since we have been together. ( not enough *sigh* ) This is also the FIRST and ONLY relationship I have ever been in, so letting go I have found EXTREMELY hard and often I get confused because of lack of experience.

The uniqueness of my situation stems from the fact that in 7 DAYS she will be leaving for Togo Africa for 2 years 3 months as a volunteer for the United States Peace Corps. A few weeks ago we had broken up but decided to remain friends.. if I would have seen this earlier I would have know that was a problem. All was going OK until she started to ignore me/ tell me I was smothering her and that she needed space. I backed off a little bit but she still continued to neglect me. I have a problem trusting her because she has admitted to cheating on me at least 2 times and because she is long distance I believed that her telling the truth to me was enough for me to take her back. Also she has always had male friends on the internet that she has talked to intimately, as in phone sex. I have told her on numerous occasions this bothers me, she always reassured me that it means nothing and was just a hobby when she was bored, that she REALLY loved me and nobody else. Yesterday I decided to try to do NC. She called me once, left a voice mail, IMed me on Yahoo and I responded (MISTAKE?) trying to act like I didn't care that she was talking to me. She went off line and called me a few hours later. I answered and told her that I didn't think it was a good idea for us to talk anymore. She attempted to make me feel guilty by crying and hoping that we could be friends before she left. She kept asking me to explain my feelings and when I was finnally about to she said that she had another phone call. ( I am assuming it was from one of her other internet boyfriends) Today after reading this I have decided to stick up for myself and continue the NC rule until maybe 2 or 3 days before she leaves if she attempts to contact me. I really don't want her to leave with us being on bad terms, but I am also not happy with the current state of things! I have a hope that maybe she will change when she is in Africa... maybe I'm just fooling myself.. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!

Thanks for taking the time to read this

posey_84 · Sep 11, 2008, 10:10 AM

No offence but I think you need to cut your ties, I really don't see a 'realationship' here. Im sorry but if she openly admits to phone sex with other people then she obviously isn't 100% into you.

h0llister · Sep 11, 2008, 10:15 AM

if you stay with her, u will just get hurt more and more I believe you will be able to find a women who will love u and never cheat or have phone sex with other random people! I think you should remember this relationship as a lesson and learn from it.. rather than a first love u lost because... this is not love. I know love and I really hope you can find it too and be happy.

bigbird213 · Sep 11, 2008, 10:55 AM

What should you do? Throw a party...

But seriously, she has been treating you like dirt my man. Its your first relationship, you admit you are inexperienced, but you need to understand that from the outside, she is playing you. Cut ties, her moving away might be the best thing happening to you right now. What would you tell a friend who is longing for a girl who cheated on him twice and has phone sex with others guys...

Let her go...

talaniman · Sep 11, 2008, 01:07 PM

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!

You have already made a decision, now stick to it!

"I really don't want her to leave with us being on bad terms, but I am also not happy with the current state of things!"

NorthernNiceGuy · Sep 11, 2008, 01:13 PM

Eeesh, maybe because this is your first relationship you don't know better... Relationships are not supposed to be like this... I would barely call this one. Be thankful this is over, go NC and move on. You will have a "normal" relationship one day that will make all this seem like a joke. Leaving all this behind is for the better, trust me...

hjpan · Sep 11, 2008, 01:19 PM

You was cheated on TWICE

Is that not a big enough red flag for you to see?

Kron · Sep 11, 2008, 01:19 PM

Thanks for the input guys.. I have one other question. If she was to contact me on the last or second last day before she left and wanted to figure things out, should I attempt to remain friends with her and remain in contact probably only through writing for 2 years since there is not much technology where she is going. Honestly I am scared for her going away it is going to be such a huge culture shock I want to be able to support her

hjpan · Sep 11, 2008, 01:20 PM

Originally Posted by Kron

Thanks for the input guys.. I have one other question. If she was to contact me on the last or second last day before she left and wanted to figure things out, should I attempt to remain friends with her and remain in contact probably only through writing for 2 years since there is not much technology where she is going. Honestly I am scared for her going away it is going to be such a huge culture shock I want to be able to support her

Cut the ties.

No need to pull yourself down the quicksand with her.

NorthernNiceGuy · Sep 11, 2008, 01:28 PM

Originally Posted by Kron

Thanks for the input guys.. I have one other question. If she was to contact me on the last or second last day before she left and wanted to figure things out, should I attempt to remain friends with her and remain in contact probably only through writing for 2 years since there is not much technology where she is going. Honestly I am scared for her going away it is going to be such a huge culture shock I want to be able to support her

Well that's obviously only a decision you can make... From a healing stand point I would say ignore her and let her go on with her life as you do with yours...

Generally you can't stay friends with someone when that feeling of friendship isn't shared... Meaning you still have romantic feelings for this women and those feelings will always get in the way as you try and pursue a friendship with her. When they disappear and you still want to be friends then by all means do what you like.

If you think you can handle just being her friend then go for it... But my advice is that you won't be able to right now, so move on and disappear from her life, at least for now until you have fully healed... This girl has put you through a lot of emotional neglect (and still is with this break-up), you don't owe her a thing. Just take care of yourself.

Kron · Sep 12, 2008, 10:24 AM

She left me this text message last night at 5am

" Good Night luke i hope ur still happy with ur choice i am glad u did this to me before i left and not while i was gone i almost believed you would wait for me"

And she tried calling me today at noon but I did not answer. I have to say that it feels good not to be controlled by her. Is this text message just one of her manipulating mind games?

Right after I posted this she left a voice mail saying that she only has a few days left and she thinks we should talk so we can try to work it out if possible... I am torn now

NorthernNiceGuy · Sep 12, 2008, 10:44 AM

Originally Posted by Kron

She left me this text message last night at 5am

" Good Night luke i hope ur still happy with ur choice i am glad u did this to me before i left and not while i was gone i almost believed you would wait for me"

and she tried calling me today at noon but I did not answer. I have to say that it feels good not to be controlled by her. Is this text message just one of her manipulating mind games?

Right after i posted this she left a voice mail saying that she only has a few days left and she thinks we should talk so we can try to work it out if possible.....I am torn now

Nice job not responding or answering! That's great. This isn't a genuine attempt by her to reconcile... She's seeing in you that you are being strong to your resolve... This is the first real time you have really stood up to her, and she doesn't know what to do. She is also nervous and scared about her big move which is making her miss the comfort and security she had with you. She should have thought about all this before when she was treating you like a door mat. Let this be her big regret, because you are moving on to bigger and better things. Please just ignore her, its for the best right now.

And really... do you think you could reconcile by talking on the phone once before she leaves to another continent where you won't see her and have minimal contact for 2 YEARS!! Use logic on this one bud, its not going to workout, and frankly I think you should be happy this is happening, she won't be able to disrupt of hurt your life any longer. I would have loved it if my ex got shipped off to Africa!

talaniman · Sep 12, 2008, 01:35 PM

Its about time you did the right thing for yourself instead of doing what she wanted you to do. She just wants you there when she wants you, but didn't give a darn when she was cheating, and you took her back (yuck)!! Don't be fooled, she used you for her own purpose, and wanted to continue so.

Recognize that any small communication by her, weakens your resolve?? That's exactly why you stay with No Contact, so you can keep your dignity and self respect, and not be fooled by a few teary emails, or calls to bring you back on your knees, so hang in there, and do for yourself for a change, and not her.

Kron · Sep 12, 2008, 08:23 PM

Maybe this was wrong of me but I logged onto her Facebook account and one of her internet "friends" ( a 45 year old unemployed canadian man that lives with his mom because he has bipolar disorder ) sent a relationship request for them to be listed as together... I can't help but feel extremely jealous, although I know for a fact he was one of the men she engaged in phone sex with. It seems that I have been forgotten already... she called 2 more times today and I did not answer... I feel now as if I should have. I need to stay strong

NorthernNiceGuy · Sep 12, 2008, 09:22 PM

Originally Posted by Kron

I feel now as if i should have.

Why?? If anything that should just strengthen your NC. Why even bother dealing with someone like that??

Kron · Sep 12, 2008, 11:01 PM

I gave in...

NorthernNiceGuy · Sep 12, 2008, 11:03 PM

Originally Posted by Kron

i gave in....

And..

Kron · Sep 12, 2008, 11:10 PM

We talked a lot and have decided to remain friends while she is away. She told me how she has been crying for the last few days when I did not contact her and that it was immature of me to not give her any reason. I will probably only be able to communicate to her via writing. Also next week she is going to philidelphia for peace corps training. It would only cost me 60$ for a gray hound to philly. I was thinking about buying a ticket and just showing up... maybe I'm delusional

xHypoCondriacx · Sep 12, 2008, 11:33 PM

That's not love brother, And as much as I know it is hard to let go of someone you feel so deeply for, Its just the best thing that you could do, believe it or not, you will get over it, no matter how bad you feel now, sickness, emotional, even physical illness, is all part of a heartbreak, and remember this, just because you love her, doesn't mean that she is required to love you either, so next time, you take it slow, and don't get so involved, and if things fall in place, which they eventually will, especially if the new "she" is the "one" you will have no worries bro, take it slow, you got a lot of living to do, this is just an experience, or a life lesson, however you want to take it, feel free to come back to me if you need some advice

-victor

NorthernNiceGuy · Sep 12, 2008, 11:38 PM

Well take what you will from everybody's advice... you're obviously making your own choices on this one. Saying you're delusional might not be that far off...

She seems like a pretty selfish individual, saying that you are immature for not contacting her... now here you are again submitting to her wants... She can go off and have phone sex and tell you to deal with it, and as soon as you cut contact with her to help yourself she turns it on you and makes you feel bad. And guess what? You let her!!

Might as well throw $60 in the garbage... either way it's a waste of money.

And when I write this I am not trying to be mean... Its just frustrating to watch you do the opposite of what so many people have told you to do. This situation has a clear resolution, dump her and move on with your life.

And by the way you do have a reason to not contact her... its called healing and taking care of yourself!! That's the point of NC... Tell her that next time she calls you immature!