[hellonasty]

Hi Everyone,

I don't know the purpose of this post- perhaps it's just to vent or look for support.
I made a few posts about a month ago about the demise of my relationship.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ml#post1196716
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ow-248056.html

Since those posts I have moved out and gotten my own loft and have been desperately trying to move on and deal with the breakup. The only problem is every week or so my ex will send me a text or MSN asking how I am, how my move went etc etc. I normally try to ignore her or keep my responses very short. However, yesterday she pulled me into a conversation that went in a really bad direction, for me.

She asks me how I'm doing, how the new place was and how my trip was, then she say's she doesn't want me to see her as some sort of monster. I told her that I don't see her as a monster I just can't talk to her right now as emotionally I didn't have time to prepare for the breakup like she did and as such am still coping. Then, we start rehashing the entire relationship. I explain to her that discussing 'us' is pointless because it always goes in the same direction (me saying this whole breakup was a mistake and her saying that it's for the best). I try to explain that all that happens is I inflate her ego by having what feels like a schoolboy crush on her while I lose all my dignity. She says that this whole situation is less than flattering and how she feels horrible- but that she couldn't see us fighting for another 50 years being together.

She then goes into how she couldn't find a spiritual connection with me anymore because of the way *i* became and how *I* changed the last year of our relationship. She also goes on to say that she needs artistic inspiration in her life and she was not feeling it with me. This really stung because I gave her money to build her studio so she could do what she wants to do plus I've accomplished a fair amount artistically myself and have a large portfolio of press that I've been in for my artwork... even a cover of a magazine. It felt like she took all that away with her comment about her not finding inspiration with me. I may not be so into now as I'm working on other aspects of my business-- but it's still there.

I tell her that the last 2 weeks of or relationship destroyed me and I was disappointed that she was able to sit there and watch me crumble before her eye.
(a quick recap: immediately into our break an old ex made contact with her and she then became very secretive and was lying to me about going out with him for coffee etc and she was txting 'someone' like crazy. I confronted her on this when it happened and she said nothing is going on-- she is just trying to find old friends to hang out with. )
She told me she had to keep it a secret because I was acting crazy and I did the exact opposite of what she asked for when she wanted space. She tells me she was trying to be 'discreet' about it because of my behavior. I can't get this 'discreet' comment out of my head. I'm almost positive that she was/is messing around with this person and while in my mind I had that as fact- her 'discreet' remark made it so much worse- like she was confirming it. I don't know why it makes a different now-- but it just does.

During the conversation she says how she was a crappy girlfriend and that our lack of intimacy should have been a sign for us that it was time to end it. This also upset me because we had discussed the intimacy issue on several occasions and she just said it was not in the mood to stress etc etc. Now, I feel like a total shmuck because I ate up that excuse and continued on.

I ask her why she finds the need to talk to me- and she says that we were together for almost 10 years and that I am a big part of her life and while she understands we can't be best friends- she'd like for us to at least be civil and that a lot of divorced (we were never married) couples stay civil. I thought we were being civil.. I hadn't spoken to her I just started doing my own thing.

The conversation ends with her saying that she feels bad and that maybe one day I will be in a situation where I can understand what she did what she did.

Ever since that conversation yesterday all I can think about is the 'discreet' comment or anything else out of my mind. I feel like a total zombie.

I understand No Contact and will be more strict with it moving forward.. but I still have that conversation in my head and it's not letting up. Everyone around me was telling me how good I was doing with all of this and now I feel like total garbage. It feel easier dealing with the breakup in my head as I can make it what I want to cope-- but when the actual ex steps in it wrecks everything you've built.

[liz28]

You owed her nothing so why even entertain what she has to say. As stated in your previous posts, don't let her flip it on you because she messed up. Don't answer her calls, texts, or emails. You don't have to tell her how your doing,etc. It only going leave you how your feeling now and have you mentally rethinking all you went through with her which is something you don't want to do. She's your past now, leave it that way.

[hellonasty]

You are totally right. No more contact.

I liked to think that her and I lived our lives a little differently than the standard- even in breakup I was hoping for it. It disappoints me why this has to end up being so typical.

Yesterday I was thinking how every single thing I've accomplished- I've had her by my side.
When we met I had no direction or anything- I was young. I'm worried that she was a crutch.

[kuulski]

You are totally right. No more contact.

I liked to think that her and I lived our lives a little differently than the standard- even in breakup i was hoping for it. It disappoints me why this has to end up being so typical.

Yesterday I was thinking how every single thing i've accomplished- i've had her by my side.
When we met i had no direction or anything- i was young. I'm worried that she was a crutch.

I wouldn't worry about the crutch thing. I myself have gone through several crutches my last breakup was a real eye opener to the fact that I used to make my girlfriends my therapist
Which caused allot of issues. Now I see I can be motivated stand up on my own and accomplish plenty without any women in my life. I believe this makes me more complete and when I do meet someone I will have so much more to bring to the table. Sounds like you are doing well I would cut off all contact maybe that will make her truly realize what she lost.
My ex, we broke up last year BTW lol... She continues to contact me and I made the mistake of feeding into it. Now I realize until I am completely healed there is no need to maintain any contact. It takes time to heal and you have to be strong enough to not allow the wound to be reopened because SHE is not sure so she starts to initiate contact etc.. Good Luck!

[Romefalls19]

Change your number and delete her off MSN... You aren't ready to talk so don't talk

[hellonasty]

She's blocked on msn now. I wish I could change my number.. maybe I can have her blocked somehow.

[busterite]

I suggest you call your operator and have her number blocked. You really need to block her out.

And don't worry about her being a crutch because now you already have a direction (maybe she came into your life to help you find that direction) and even if she was a crutch with time you will manage to stand on your own two feet and feel much stronger.

[WhatN3XT]

Don't let her "I was being discreet" comment eat you up so much buddy. Your intuition told you something was wrong and in the end it was confirmed. She is feeling guilty and looking for some closure herself. Don't let her use you for closure, let her find it in herself so she can see what type of person she really is.

NC is you only option. Keep your chin up.

[hellonasty]

Sesi2005: I agree with you, you are all b!tches ;)

Unfortunately the contact info she has for me is my private info and it's also the contact info and numbers used by my clients.

I will just progress with ignoring her. Of course, she'll probably no contact anymore so I won't be able to give her a taste of her own medicine.

Time will tell.

I just need to get myself back FROM her. That is the hardest part. I have no interest in being with her anymore, and I'm trying to keep my animosity in check. But I need to get myself back.

[kuulski]

I agree changing your info if its needed shouldn't be that big a deal.. The question is do you keep those numbers with the slight hope that she might contact you. That's the IMPORTANT question and only you have the answer... I choose to reply or not too reply to my ex's attempts at contact. The last break we decided was over a month ago and I felt like we were breaking up all over again because I allowed her to re-initiate contact with no issue didn't ignore any of her calls. However I see now that maybe I was too accessible and it just started the cycle all over again. Either way no contact is best if she changes and truly wants you to know I'm sure you just ignoring her calls/emails will not be enough IF she has truly changed I'm sure she would do something to truly get your attention and then it will be truly your call. Good Luck! I completely relate to your situation :)

[hellonasty]

I can have her number blocked from my service provider so she can't get in touch with me.
I'll do that.

On a somewhat related note. I found this video for a song I like . Somewhat fitting for the mood.
Gnarls Barkley - Who's Gonna Save My Soul Video [QUICKTIME]

[the person]

I'm seriously not trying to be judgemental egoistic or etc etc.but ill want to say 1 thing to u... Be A Man(something I learned from a chinese joke now its my motto).if you don't want to talk to her don't talk... according to me blocking numbers and msn is what weak hearted people do because your allowing someone else to change your ways for worse.if she calls say w/e and hang up next time she calls say I don't want to talk to you didn't u get that in the previous call?that would be a much better thing to do for yourself and her.take a step for yourself.be the ruler of your life instead of letting others be(does not mean you force your ways on others either).and don't let what she said get u.if you were faithful and did what you thought was for the best then you don't have anything to worry about.just be a man and be tough from inside and outside(atleast to others you can go cry alone in the corner but don't let others see you and specially not your ex because the way it seems she's taking advantage of it). Hoped it helped... no offence intended.

[talaniman]

There is no shame in needing help. Especially as we learn, and become more experienced.