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J_9 · May 4, 2006, 12:34 PM

Can someone please guide me. My husband and I have been together for 15 years now and recently, well for quite a while, I have had absolutley no interest in sex. I love my husband and he treats me well, but I am just not interested. I am a non-traditional student, and after being in college all day, then taking care of the kids when I get home and on the weekends I am just too tired. Not only that, but when we have the time or I have the energy, I just do not want the intimacy.

When we have sex it I tend only to pleasure him because I find it hard to have an orgasm. A few years ago he went through this kinky phase that I did not like at all, but I amused him until he realized that I did not like it and ever since then I have completely lost interest.

Counseling will not work because we cannot afford it and we live in such a small town that it would take a 2 hour drive to get somewhere and he cannot miss work (ergo finances lost to pay).

I do not seem to get turned on anymore in any way shape or form. Does anyone have any ideas?

Hypatia · May 4, 2006, 08:13 PM

I feel your pain. After the day is done all I want to do is slip into a nice pair of baggy pants, a tank top, lay on the couch and veg.
What me and the hubby have done is to do things we would never do normally- role play, s&m, take photos, video, dress up, toys. you just gotta try everything. Have him tie you up blindfold you and give you an hour of foreplay.
Try EVERYTHING! From bananas to candle wax.
Something is bound to work. If not see if you can get to the doc for some help. He might offer a script of antidepressants or something to help you out.

Hypatia

letmetellu · May 4, 2006, 09:55 PM

You did not give your age but with the 15 years of being together and you said your husband went through the kinky stage I am going to guess that you are maybe about thirty-seven. This is way too young for a person to lose all interest in sex. So I would suggest that you owe it to your husband and to yourself to go to a Dr. and find out what the problem is. There is a possibility that a prescription of a harmone might be the answer not only to the lack of desire to have sex but the answer to the tiredness that you feel all of the time. If you did not have a Dr. in the small home town go on a two or three day trip to a larger city. You could make all the appointments ahead of time and have it done in one trip. You say that when you do have sex that you tend to just try to pleasure your husband, you make it sound like a job and I am sure your husband would rather you just give him pleasure some way other than intercourse... Please do something about the problem your life will be happier knowing that you did try something. And like the one post said trying different things of a sexual nature could make a difference also. Sex is not just for 10:30 after the news and both are tired. Try at 2:00 Sunday afternoon sometime.

andrew2004 · May 4, 2006, 11:46 PM

Remember it is supposed to be enjoyable to both partners so sit down with partner and discuss likes and dislikes. It might help you to get your drive back and it might help him to pleasure you better

fredg · May 5, 2006, 05:10 AM

Hi, J 9,
Does this bother your husband? Or does it just bother you?
We always have time to do what we think is really, really important... such as "primary" things we have to do.
I've been married now for 29 yrs (after first marriage of 7 yrs ended in Divorce), and am 64 yrs old now.
I find time to what I think is important. If seeing a Marriage Counselor is important, you both will find a way to do it.
If it's not important to both, then that's out.
You are a college student, taking care of kids also, do housework, cooking, cleaning, washing, etc, etc, etc. You Should be tired!!
You need a break!!
Your life is filled with too much, and you and your husband need to take off a weekend, without the kids, go somewhere, maybe Pigeon Forge! Anywhere you two can be my yourselves for a little, like a mini-vacation. You are in a rut; and the two of you need to get out of it, if only for 2 days.
I do wish you the best, and hope it turns out OK.

talaniman · May 5, 2006, 07:21 AM

First a check-up is the way to go and make sure you tell him about your feelings.Second with a schedule like yours I'm surprised you have the strength to feed yourself! Third and the most important talk honestly to your husband and see how he feels. If its not a big deal with him then don't make it one unless your lack of a sex drive bothers YOU! See what the doctor says.:cool: :)

valinors_sorrow · May 6, 2006, 07:39 AM

What I have learned is it takes two to have successful sex and what I mean by successful is: it's mutually fulfilling (either most of the time or averaged out) and leaves one wanting to have more later or again (after recovery lol). Whatever gets in the way of that arrangement is what needs to be addressed in whatever format one can manage? All it took with us is one seriously losing interest in the other for the whole thing to collapse. At the very least, sincere discussion is always a starting place as so many here already suggested. If that is not possible, then there is more than a sexual problem occurring. I experienced my marriage as having had a communication problem on top of a sexual problem, which took counseling. First things first.

Chery · May 7, 2006, 11:16 AM

Dear J_9, it seems you lost interest in a lot of things. Due to this, you've lost the 'feeling' somehow. Have you talked to your gynecologist? Sometimes, after children, and a certain age, we tend to 'dry up' a bit. This can make you lose interest too. However, there are hormone creams now that will make things a little easier for us. I hope for you, it's that simple.

If not, then you might want to do some research on yourself, as far as what still does turn you on. It might be a role model on a TV show (mine is Richard Dean Anderson - in Stargate), or a movie star that gets you to fantasize - and you should not think it bad. It's healthy and normal to have 'silent' fantasies. Men have them too. You and your husband could also get a sitter, and just take off for a small motel, or a real vacation - even if it's only a few miles away - just to get out of the routine environment and see some flowers, gardens, mountains, etc. Try to get to know your husband again, he's grown as well - not just you. You might find that both of you have changed and that he's open for communication that was, in your opinion, hard for both of you when you were young and in 'love'. That was lust at the time, and now it's gone. Now, you need to discover what you both are made of and the things you still like so much about each other.

At any rate, nothing tried, nothing gained. And if you really are still interested in keeping the marriage going - TALK to him and the both of you figure out a 'game plan' as to what to do about the 'drab' areas in your life right now.

Good luck, and please keep us posted.

educatedhorse_2005 · May 7, 2006, 08:26 PM

Remember you have to respect yourself and body.
You have to talk to him and tell him what your concerns are and maybe you need to talk to some kind of counselor about you your problems.

It shouldn't always be about him having pleasure you should to.
So do what ever it takes to make you happy.