[Sara5]

Hi! I dated my Ex-( not used to say that yet) Fiancé for about 3 years. He always had issue with making decisions( any) and commitment( something in his childhood) but he knew clearly that I wanted marriage. When I brought up the topic, he freaked out and we had a lot of arguments over it as I thought we were not on the same page and wanted to leave and he kept buying time and did not let me break up. He finally warmed up( so I thought) to the topic and last December after 2 years dating, proposed to me in a very romantic and creative situation. We set a date and started planning... well I am the planner so I did every thing while he was coming with me every where we had to go and was so generous and wanted to make sure I got every thing that made me happy; so I was so grateful and therefore careful how to spend money. We bought condo together and he gave them 3 cheques and last one was going to be deposited last June( so I thought as I later found out he had asked them to deposit the last cheque after our wedding).
In July, in an argument he mentioned that he had to propose as he had no other choice. So I suggested that he takes time as he always had choice to stay or leave. In four days, he came back and said he wanted to marry me and this is what he wanted.
Our Wedding was Aug 8, and just 3 nights before the wedding at 1 am, he suggested that we should go to counselling as we had arguments for the past little while. ( It was all wedding stress to me and no big deal, so I objected and said if he changes his stubbornness and still does not work , then we go but honestly I was so surprised).
Next day, just 2 days before wedding he called me and wa sorry for dropping the bomb on me like that and was sorry that we did not have the greatest engagement and still assured me that he loved me and wanted to marry me.
That was until that night that came home and told me that he spoked to a shrink and their advice was not to enter marriage if you have arguments. ( arguments that I say is like every other couples) After a bit of talking he changed his mind again and wanted to marry! I woke up in the morning, just the day before wedding when he told me he had called his mother( it turned out that she was the shrink) and his brother and they suggested to call every thing off!!
That was final. He called every ting off just the day before our wedding. No one from my side could change his mind and I was so in shock that could not even talk. He was crying until his brother and mother called and asked him to leave my place.
He called just 4 days after to talk, but my sister picked up the phone as I was so sad and he said he wanted to explain and that he was so sad as well. Next day after ihs call, he emailed me and said he was sad and sorry and only hoping that it was the right thing to do in the long run( knowing him the words were not his and were learned from some one else). I never responded but my sister emailed and asked him to stop using me to heal his conscience.
Now, after 3-4 weeks, I learned that my voice is still on his greeting, his passwords that I shared before, are not changed and he is not feeling good and it seems he is going to counselling.
On top of that, his landlord is not sure if he is staying or moving in to the condo. We also received a default letter from condo people which means he has not even bothered with them to let them know we are cancelling our contract as it was agreed by both of us and my sister had informed him. That means, he does not even care for his credit any more when he could easily let them know that we were cancelling the contract( regardless he would lose money, however by informing them legally, we would not receive a default letter).
I am not sure what I think now as I am so sad and hope he will come back after taking some time. By the sound of the things, I think he is sad and coping and that is the only thing that keeps me going as I think he will come back.
What do you think? It has been 3-4 weeks and he has not contacted me after my sister asked him not to use me to heal his conscience. Isn't that enough time to come back? Should I do something? I can see he cold be too scared to come back after the mess he has made but maybe he would if he really wanted?
I need help. Please tell me if I should wait. I hate ot be in this limbo. I know he called it off and that means it is over but if it is, why he is still having my voice on his greeting? Why passwords are not changed. Why landlord does not know that he is staying? Why ignored the condo people if he was feeling OK and sure of his decision?
Please tell me what to do?

[Teresa51]

I am sorry for your heartbreak but this guy is not the kind of man you want for yourself, is he? He shows such instability, insecurity, and lack of self-reliance----what he has shown you over the past 3 years in those areas, is what I believe you will continue to have to deal with for the rest of your life. How depressing!

I know that you are hoping that since he has not changed the passwords, has kept your voice on the greeting, that he plans to get back with you soon. I believe that in your heart of hearts you know that's not true. He has not made those necessary changes because, as you have said, he does not make decisions, or does it sound like he can plan anything on his own.

I think your sister is right about him trying to "heal his conscience" by unloading on you. And I also think his family was right in telling him to call the wedding off. I think they could see that he was not ready for marriage. After all, he was basically letting everyone know, including you, but you were not willing to face that.

Should you wait for him, you ask! Wait for what? He has shown you that there is no good ending to his being in your life.

[hjpan]

I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS! This ex-fiance is a piece of trash! He can't even stand on his two feet and make a decision! This is absurd! His mom had to call the wedding off? Stupid and retarded, you deserve a better person.

[WhatN3XT]

Your situation is too familiar to mine. Why stay? Why love? Why Everything? Your so called love got COLD feet and kicked you to the curb. Those are facts right? It is really hard to get rejected, I know this. But once the dust settles, We wish it happened earlier. For our benefit.

Listen, His family will not help you. Only YOU can help YOU. I mean ask yourself this:

Would I want to marry a guy that takes orders from freins, family?
Would I want to marry a person that has more respect from them?

I Could go on and on but won't

[talaniman]

Stop asking questions you already know the answers to. He doesn't take care of business, and you probably always have. Nothing has changed, except your free to get a real man. Under no circumstances do you ever trust him, or be deceived by him again. Sorry for your loss.

[LiLibell]

Do you really want him back? He called of your wedding at a word from his mother, a somewhat biased shrink if you ask me, if he wasn't happy he needed to tell YOU no one else, could you really forgive him for this crap that he's heaped on you? Think about what you want, not what's easy and not what you had settled into. What's best for you?

[patti_tomai]

Very sorry to hear this. I have beeen in the same situation. My ex called off the wedding too. It's devastated. He changed his mind several time before the date, and finally called it off when he consulted friends, and his mother. If he callled off the wedding, if he made you cried and been in great pain, he is not the man you think he is anymore. Or you may not just notice it along the way. Let move on. You deserve someone much better,someone who is afarid to make you cry, someone who see your value. Consider yourself you're so lucky not get into the gate of hell by having to live with this jerk.