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talaniman · Sep 5, 2008, 05:06 AM

Originally Posted by barney1010

Well, NC day one would begin tomorrow. I'm just a bit confused about the whole thing. Like NC to them yeah, but what do you do when they contact you? Just completely ignore it?

Yes you are busy, and unavailable until you have healed. She will get the message. The confusion always follows them talking to you and since they dumped you, how do they have the right to stop you from healing.

When they want space, they lose all considerations, and access to you. That's only fair to you so stand up for yourself and don't let her have her cake and eat it too!

talaniman · Sep 5, 2008, 05:14 AM

Does anyone have any advice about how not to pick up the phone and call or email him? I have a feeling I'm going to struggle with this...

Since the idea of healing is to get over them, why keep dredging up those old feelings, and false hopes only to be rejected again. Since you know full well how you feel, don't let them stop you from moving on, by answering their calls. They will get the message. The best way to be unavailable to them, is to be busy doing something else, be it chores, or something you enjoy. BLOCK HER number, and thats a call to the carrier for instructions. Do it for you, and heal your heart.

talaniman · Sep 5, 2008, 05:17 AM

My ex came by today while I wasn't home and dropped off some money that she owed me.

That's nice, but get your business with her done ASAP, and stop her from having access to you so easily. She is gone, so why should she still be able to come, and go, as she pleases?

bigbird213 · Sep 5, 2008, 09:55 AM

Originally Posted by e22

My ex and I broke up yesterday after 1 1/2 yrs. We've broken up before but we always end up getting back together the next day. I'm so tired of him breaking up with me, I've been on an emotional roller coaster and I know I just need to cut him off if I'm ever going to move on. I can't "be friends" with an ex, I'm interested in this NC rule. I talked to him today, and he was really mean to me which is helpful I guess....makes me not want to get back together with him. I'm having a really hard time not calling him though. Does anyone have any advice about how not to pick up the phone and call or email him? I have a feeling I'm going to struggle with this...

Keeping busy is a great way to keep your mind on other things. If you always have something to do and are always with someone, you eliminate a lot of the down, alone time where you think about them and want to call them. Its hard at first, but try to keep your social life packed with things to do. Even if your just going out to eat with a friend or watching TV with them. Its all better than being by yourself...

bigbird213 · Sep 5, 2008, 09:56 AM

Originally Posted by cowboyjai

I'll just leave the documents here for her and hopefully that's the last I'll hear from her.

If it isn't - there isn't anything wrong with telling her (not asking her) to stop contacting you. She made her decision, now you make yours...

barney1010 · Sep 5, 2008, 10:11 AM

First day is today, but honestly, when I think about at least one of the things she said was true, I can't just not take blame for at least one thing and that was how I did actually smother her. Like getting annoyed at text delays, or call even if she said she couldn't talk after x amount of text delays. Or if she didn't reply after like 10-15 minutes would call repeatedly back to back until she did. I think I went way over the top with that, ended up being more of a stalkerish move than anything else. I don't honestly know what's wrong with me, probably fear and this being my first time feeling such a strong connection to someone, but that's still no excuse to hound someone like that. She said it wasn't because of the calls, but I don't see how it couldn't have had at least some small bit to do with it.

bigbird213 · Sep 5, 2008, 10:18 AM

There's no point in blaming yourself now and thinking about it. What happened has happened and you can't take it back. The best you can do is understand your faults in the relationship and work on improving those faults. You don't need to dread on the negative...

Jason8676 · Sep 5, 2008, 06:37 PM

Hey!
This is probably a stupid question but I'll spit it out. Right now, I am on my 121st day of NC although my ex has contacted me three times within that time frame. One contact was via a meaningless text on June 4, the others were actually phone calls on August 24. The first time she called, it only rang for a few seconds. The second time, my phone rang long enough to go to my voice mail and left a silly message pertaining to the nickname she gave me when we were together. The number was not displayed both times. Although I have cut all ties with her and dropped out of sight I find myself obsessing about whether it is her whenever I see a car on the road that resembles the one she owns, or if I see somebody that resembles her in the passenger seat of a car nearby while driving. I even worry when I go out in public for fear that I might run into her. I honestly don't want to ever see her again. Am I going crazy or have any of you encountered the same situation? I've done an excellent job at maintaining NC and living my life without her but I still think about her everyday and I just wish I could have my brain erased of all memory of her. If medicine ever comes forth with a drug to erase memories of love lost, count me in! I'll be the first to buy it. Thanks!
Jason

bigbird213 · Sep 5, 2008, 06:56 PM

Jason,

I have been NC for a little more than 4 months, so nearly as long as you. The relationship lasted 4 years. I do the same things you do with the cars that resemble hers and still wonder if I might run into her when I go to places that I know she goes to often (or at least did). Don't worry too much about it, its normal.

One thing I will say, is that I have noticed many times that the fear of something happening (or you finding something out) is worse than actually doing it. I have spent a lot of time worrying about what happens if this or if that were to occur, then, in some cases, it has happened and though it sucks, its more a relief that I don't need to worry about it anymore.

Hope that helps...

hjpan · Sep 5, 2008, 08:17 PM

Sup ladies & gentlemen =]

Well, I talked to one of my "girl-friends" who likes me and I "felt like the world is on my shoulders." I was like "what the fuq?" It started as a mutual friendship but she told me she liked me more than friends... Tonight, she told me that she's committed to a guy and her intentions was not to lead me on to anything.

And yes, this is the girl I was talking about who said she was really into me...

Now, I'm fed up with relationships and girls.....
Back to booze & cigarettes for me... and work out

Jason8676 · Sep 5, 2008, 08:57 PM

Originally Posted by bigbird213

Jason,

I have been NC for a little more than 4 months, so nearly as long as you. The relationship lasted 4 years. I do the same things you do with the cars that resemble hers and still wonder if I might run into her when I go to places that I know she goes to often (or at least did). Don't worry too much about it, its normal.

One thing I will say, is that I have noticed many times that the fear of something happening (or you finding something out) is worse than actually doing it. I have spent a lot of time worrying about what happens if this or if that were to occur, then, in some cases, it has happened and though it sucks, its more a relief that I don't need to worry about it anymore.

Hope that helps...

Bigbird213,
Hey! Thanks... I can concur with what you said. I too have had instances where I'll worry and obsess over something happening and when it did, I didn't go to pieces and was able to move on that much easier. I have done everything in my power to avoid her. She works at a particular department store, so I have avoided shopping there or entering the parking lot even. I just wish I could stop thinking about her. The breakup was not hostile-the relationship didn't end with so much as a whimper. She just decided a year ago to date other people and wanted to see what else was out there since we have been serious on and off for nearly 10 years-even having a child together who later passed away due to a heart problem. She thought that would get my attention and I would start chasing her along with these other guys she works with. I have nothing to prove and do not feel the need to compete with others for her affection. She chose to walk and she should have realized that in exchange for dating others, she loses me friendship and all. I wish I never met that girl... if only I knew then what I know now. Take care for now-thanks again for the input. At least I know I'm not crazy.
Jason

cowboyjai · Sep 6, 2008, 12:18 AM

I broke NC today. I emailled her some documents she "desperately needed", and literally said "no more hitting me up for random things, this is the last thing you ask me for. If you contact me again it's to say 'I miss you and want to make it work' or just don't contact me at all."

(its funny, I spend a lot of time on these forums lately, and then when the actual thing I spend the time on here dealing with is talking to me, it seems so much easier than the worrying makes it out to be)

She emailed me back going absolutely crazy, about how much she hates having anything to do with me, and how happy she is in her new life. It was a pretty angry and irrational email.

But since it wasn't 'I miss you and want to make it work', I didn't reply and never will. I bet she's surprised that I didn't.

Jai

bigbird213 · Sep 6, 2008, 08:20 AM

Ignore the email, it's a cry for attention.

Just let it go, stick to your word...

Shadowburn · Sep 6, 2008, 12:32 PM

Broke NC last week, hurts like hell.
I knew I will regret it, but just could not help it :(

NorthernNiceGuy · Sep 6, 2008, 02:26 PM

That's all right... I broke it quite a few times myself at the beginning (4 months ago) and I regret and hurt after every time... But honestly that's how you learn and was really the only way for me to finally realize I had to do it. Proud to say I have been 2 months NC now and have ignored every attempt by her to make contact. You're still in that beginning phase where all logical thought seems to take a back seat to impulse and irrationality. You'll be out of the woods sooner than you think.

Pretty funny what you guys mentioned about the cars... Every silver volkswagen golf I see catches my eye right away... and my ex moved 6 hours away! But someone always seems to tell me when she's in town. And I ask around before I go into any bar... I still am not sure how well I could handle seeing her in a public place with other guys. Don't think I'm there yet...

Bigbird, how has progress been with you? Any big news?

Shadowburn · Sep 6, 2008, 02:43 PM

Thank you, NorthernNiceGuy. It's been only 3 weeks after break up for me, and I have second thoughts because I was the one who left. I miss him terribly.

NorthernNiceGuy · Sep 6, 2008, 02:51 PM

Just write a list of why you did it... remind yourself daily, especially when you are feeling like you are going to contact him...

hjpan · Sep 6, 2008, 04:22 PM

Hey guys & girls...

I'm straight up not dating or going for relationships anymore. Throughout my relationships with girls, I've been always the one who gets hurt. Girls flirt with me and we get serious; right all of a sudden, I am told that they are in a committed relationship or taken =/

*sigh*

Fuq... don't know what I can do now

cowboyjai · Sep 6, 2008, 05:51 PM

Don't give up hj. Maybe you should just start actively pursuing being single for a bit? It's what I'm doing. I use to panic thinking omg what if my ex found someone before I did, and how that would probably gut me. But now I don't give a ****. One, because I've put myself in a place where I'd never find out, so it couldn't get to me. And two, because she probably WILL find someone before me, because I'm simply not interested in pursuing anything with girls atm. What I AM interested in is just meeting them and opening up my social circle.

I'm going travelling for a bit (countdown is 19 days now!), I got a new car sorted out and I've started looking for my own place to live. I've also used the experience to find out about the man I am when the chips are down. I've become a better friend, a better son, and generally a better person. I don't know how it happened exactly, but I know I'm a better guy than I was before. The person I was though, he was a good guy too. And I respect him too much, and the good he did, to live my life any other way than the way I'm living it now. With regards to the way I dealt with my ex, with regards to the way I'm looking at the future, etc etc.

And that is something I am going to continue to learn forever - it feels like the knowledge was an unused fireplace that I never thought I had, or had to deal with. This breakup put the spark to it and my eyes have opened.

We become better through adversity. So yeah, I'll keep fighting the small bouts of negativity I get, the little deaths that thinking about the past bring, and I will keep looking for the positive, and I'll keep knowing that having to deal with this is going to make me stronger for the future. Maybe one day, when I've moved on with somebody else, I'll look my ex up and see if she's doing well. Or maybe one day, I won't. But as a man I know that's my own choice now.

When I'm ready, the chicks will come. This I am 100% sure of.

hjpan · Sep 6, 2008, 06:02 PM

Originally Posted by cowboyjai

Don't give up hj. Maybe you should just start actively pursuing being single for a bit? It's what I'm doing. I use to panic thinking omg what if my ex found someone before I did, and how that would probably gut me. But now I don't give a ****. One, because I've put myself in a place where I'd never find out, so it couldn't get to me. And two, because she probably WILL find someone before me, because I'm simply not interested in pursuing anything with girls atm. What I AM interested in is just meeting them and opening up my social circle.

I'm going travelling for a bit (countdown is 19 days now!), I got a new car sorted out and I've started looking for my own place to live. I've also used the experience to find out about the man I am when the chips are down. I've become a better friend, a better son, and generally a better person. I don't know how it happened exactly, but I know I'm a better guy than I was before. The person I was though, he was a good guy too. And I respect him too much, and the good he did, to live my life any other way than the way I'm living it now. With regards to the way I dealt with my ex, with regards to the way I'm looking at the future, etc etc.

And that is something I am going to continue to learn forever - it feels like the knowledge was an unused fireplace that I never thought I had, or had to deal with. This breakup put the spark to it and my eyes have opened.

We become better through adversity. So yeah, I'll keep fighting the small bouts of negativity I get, the little deaths that thinking about the past bring, and I will keep looking for the positive, and I'll keep knowing that having to deal with this is going to make me stronger for the future. Maybe one day, when I've moved on with somebody else, I'll look my ex up and see if she's doing well. Or maybe one day, I won't. But as a man I know that's my own choice now.

When I'm ready, the chicks will come. This I am 100% sure of.

I guess... I'm just sick of relationships... girls play with my feelings and mind... then end up ditching me..

*sigh*