[HelpSkippy]

Ok, I will try to cut a long story short. I came out of a three year serious relationship last summer, feeling generally down and crap about myself and the world in general. The reasons for the break up were clear however, and I accepted it at the time, as hard as it was. So that's history now (I think?).

I have met a new girl. She is gorgeous. She's different and special and a lot of fun. The problem is I just can't feel attracted to her sexually for some reason. I mean I can laugh about it now as I think to myself what the hell is the problem - look at her!! Lol but I just can't let myself go with her. Is it the ex? Thing is I feel sure that my ex is history, I think about her sometimes, but I don't wish I was with her anymore. I have no reason to talk to her so we haven't spoken since the break up. So what's my problem? Sometimes I feel this new girl is too good for me (a bit out of my league maybe?), but then my ex was gorgeous too.

So, don't really know what I am asking. Just very confused at this stage in my life. Anyone else experienced anything similar?

[liz28]

Sometimes physically attraction he not enough. Not saying that your saying this but look aren't everything.

One time I met a guy that was too fine. We went up had tons of fun but I felt something was missing. He was great to look at and I enjoyed all the attention we got but I never had the urge to get sexual with him, even though I tried.

Maybe your not ready to become sexual with her or something else is missing.

[talaniman]

Your problem is your rebounding to make yourself feel better, but you aren't as ready to move on, as you think, so I suggest you be more patient, and give yourself more time.

A quick fix of just replacing someone, just to not be alone, is no solution, and seldom works.

[HelpSkippy]

Thank you both for the advice.

I disagree when you say that I am on the rebound however, as it has been a long time since the break up with my ex, and I feel that I have moved on. I feel comfortable with myself being alone, and I made the choice to have a relationship so it is not to avoid being alone.

The two girls are completely different personality wise, and in terms of their intimate personalities as well. The new girlfriend is much more experienced, forward and just generally different. Not that it's a bad thing and I'm not complaining. So I'm in a situation where I like her and should feel attracted to her, which I do most of the time. There is no way I can talk to her about this, she is stunning and I can't ask her to behave differently sexually.

[talaniman]

she is stunning and I can't ask her to behave differently sexually.

What does that mean?? When you say not atracted, do you mean you can't perform?? Or don't want to perform??

[liz28]

Hmmm! If she wasn't stuning would it be easier for you? Like Tal, I am confused by your statement too.

[magrock]

Well I think what happens sometimes it does not matter how stunning or hot the person is... its all about chemistry you have w/that person which makes you want to be sexual w/them. I have dated a lot so there have been times everyone thinks a guy I am dating is super hot or cute but I was not into them not even to kiss them

I also notice your mind & body must be into someone- meaning are you over your ex & what you had together?

[BMI]

Interesting situation. Perhaps it is the feeling that you NEED to be attracted to her because others think so. Try to follow, I'll say it best I can. Often times you go to a club or bar or whatever and there are girls that get a lot of attention and your buddy taps you saying look at thatone andyou nod in approval. Truth is (at least for me) I'm not sexually attracted to those types of girls (lots of make-up, short skirts, y'know attention grabbers) I'm not saying this girl is one of those but perhaps she is viewed at as an attractive girl just not the girl YOU perceive to be super hot. Although you do admit to finding her attractive, that would conflict with my theory.

If she were that beautiful to you I doubt there would be a problem, it must be something deeper.

[Guidostern]

Have you dated anyone else since the break up? If you haven't, then Tal is right, this would be your rebound. How long have you been together and how well do you know her? Like others say, the chemistry just may not be there yet, or it may never be... just give it some time and really think about whether you're over your ex or not.

[HelpSkippy]

Sorry for the confusion. I understand where you are both coming from. This is the exact problem though, my mind is confused and I can't think straight about this most of the time.

Essentially what I am trying to say is that my girlfriend is attractive in the sense that she looks like something from a magazine, great body and really attractive. If I saw her in a magazine, I would think yeah she's hot. I even think that when I see her dressed and naked. However, there is just something not there. When we are having sex, there is just something which stops me from enjoying it. But afterwards I think what the hell is wrong with me? There are hundreds of guys who want this girl and would die to be in my position. Maybe these are self-esteem issues?

It is interesting that Magrock talks about chemistry. I don't feel much chemistry in the relationship to be honest. I mean I look at her and think she's hot, and it feels good to know she is my girlfriend, when other guys check her out and stuff. But for example, in my previous sexual relationships (which have also been serious relationships) things have been different. Those girls were quite shy, so everything was slow and there was something nice about them trusting me and discovering each other. It took time, but it was worth it. It was not cold sex like this feels like sometimes. I know that sounds nasty, and I don't mean it in a harsh way. I prefer to eat a slice of bread than a whole loaf is what I am trying to say. I find girls more attractive in underwear than naked. I don't really understand why, just a strange thing I guess. I like kissing girls and touching their neck, back and general foreplay, as opposed to sex itself, whereas she seems to want just sex most of the time, and doesn't seem to really enjoy foreplay that much. Which is unfamiliar to me as most girls I have been with like more foreplay. The biggest turn on for a guy is when the girl is turned on too right?

I have not spoken to her about all of this, and I don't know how to. I am extremely shy so that makes it more difficult.

Anyway, sorry for the rant. Your advise is helping me to understand all of this so thanks again. And sorry if it is a bit graphic. Im trying not to be too crude.

[magrock]

Everything makes sense what you are saying... I am the same way it turns me off when a guy gets right to hit... the whole point of seduction is the teasing, touching, etc... this is what chemistry is about... maybe try talking to her on what you like & if you guys try it & still then I think you know your answer... shy girls rock! :)

[Romefalls19]

The two girls are completely different personality wise, and in terms of their intimate personalities as well. The new girlfriend is much more experienced, forward and just generally different.

That statement right there leads me to believe you aren't ready to be in a relationship. You shouldn't go into another relationship comparing her to your ex

[HelpSkippy]

Thanks BMI. Yeah she is definitely one of those girls who other guys would say 'wow she's hot' and she is an 'attention seeker' but I kind of like that because she's different to me and different to my ex's who have all been quite reserved and shy.

Guidostern - I have had one other relationship since the break up which was sexual, and everything was relatively OK, although not brilliant. But we only had sex a few times, so we were still at the awkward stage, and neither of us were that relaxed. We dated for 2 weeks so hardly anything serious. I honestly don't think the ex is the problem here, as I do feel over her. Perhaps I shouldn't say this, and I know it is unfair to compare two girls, but if I saw the two of them in the street (current girlfriend and ex) and I didn't know them, I would say current is probably instinctively more attractive to me. (Damn I hope ex doesn't read this! ) lol

We have been together about 3 weeks. We have had sex 4 times. Am I over-reacting? Is it OK to still feel like this? By this time, I usually start to feel OK with a girl though.

[Guidostern]

You could be taking things too fast... if you want the chemistry to come, slow down a little bit. I know that's easier said than done, but it may help you out in the long run.

[magrock]

Sex gets better through time because you start to get to know each other better... but I think for a male he knows right away (guys correct me if I am wrong?) he needs to feel the sexual chemistry because a guy needs to stay focused & not forget the girl he is with... to me its important 2 feel sexual chemistry w/someone no matter how hot or attractive this person is...

[lmangileri]

You can't force something that's just not right. It does sound to me from everyone's posts that there's just no chemistry and that's important.

[talaniman]

So your having a lot of sex, and not happy about it?? Your maybe not sexually compatible or willing to compromise??

[HelpSkippy]

talaniman - I wouldn't say a lot of sex, and its more an issue of the sex itself. Maybe I am being too demanding and too fussy. Thing is I like her. I like the things we do together, spending time together, having fun, sleeping together i.e.. Cuddling etc not sex. I like the way she is and I know I like her, I just feel that all of this crap is getting in the way of me enjoying sex. It has crossed my mind that we aren't sexually compatible, and maybe this is the problem. But you can't end the relationship for that can you? How would I explain that? I think I am being a bit too stubborn in what I like, although I realise every girl is different.

I guess I am going circles now and I'm not really asking a specific question here am I? I think I will just try to relax and see how things go. Take it slow and be careful.

Thanks for all of the advice. You guys really know a lot about relationships etc. you should charge for this!

[brkfstatiffs]

Three weeks is not long at all. It's natural to feel a little nervous and uncomfy in the beginning. You probably make yourself all nervous with thinking about it too much, because you want to perform well because s-x is important to a relationship and for your own ego:) Just take your time, if you feel like it's going to fast, it's okay to say something. The last guy I dated didn't want to have s_x right away (you know, date #3-4), because he wanted to make sure something was really there and it didn't just turn to physical etc. I appreciated that and respected that. So just go with the flow, and be honest. It's all about communication, I know it can be akward to bring it up, but maybe just start with questions like asking her what she likes etc and naturally you can get more on the same page.

[BMI]

Something's missing my man. I understand the comments about growing into enjoying the sex more and the person more. However, if your with a girl you like but don't think she's supermodel caliber, over time you see things about her that make you want her more and she appears more beautiful to you that a supermodel. I, to be honest, have never heard of starting with the supermodel and growing into finding her more attractive physically.

Perhaps the reverse is true in this situation. Perhaps the girls that aren't initially turning heads grow to be more perfect physically the more time you spend with them, the head turners may very well become less attractive physically to you as time passes.

Nevertheless, I think Rome made a very good point in suggesting that you just may not be ready for this. I'd consider this.