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    amermonstarsgir's Avatar
    amermonstarsgir Posts: 33, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Aug 27, 2008, 06:26 PM
    Husband killed in car accident and already a boyfriend?
    Hi I just wanted others thoughts on this. My sister was married to a man for 9 years and he was killed in a car accident in late June this year. YES this YEAR 2008 She has 1 child from him and an older one from a previous marriage. His headstone isn't even up yet and one of his coworkers has been flirting with my sister! I have seen them on more than one time together and its just weird. They are acting like a new couple does. She loved her husband and never cheated on him and said when we found out about the accident that she would never get married again and already this? Is this normal? I think this guy thinks she got a lot of money from the accident and is trying to take advantage. Our mom, dad and brothers have talked to her about being taken advantaged of after his death but she thinks she is not. This guy is over 50 and she is only 34. What do I tell her? How do I talk to her about this? Im worried about her and the kids so much. Please give me some thoughts about this.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #2

    Aug 27, 2008, 06:53 PM
    She is loney, and often one ( from death or just breakup) jumps into another relationship too fast, trying to fill a empty spot.

    Did she get a lot of money ? If not there is really nothing to take adavante of too much.

    Love her, be there for her, but it is her life and it appears she has already been warned, too much will make her push you away since she does not want to hear it.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
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    #3

    Aug 27, 2008, 06:59 PM
    I agree with Chuck. Your sister is lonely and is looking for some love to fill the void.

    Be there for her, talk to her, let her talk to you, she needs to know that she's not alone.

    Chances are this relationship won't last, she just needs someone right now to take away the loneliness. Don't judge her too harshly, we all react differently to grief.

    Good luck.
    amermonstarsgir's Avatar
    amermonstarsgir Posts: 33, Reputation: 1
    Junior Member
     
    #4

    Aug 27, 2008, 07:00 PM
    Well he had a lot of life insurance and with him being in emergency type services like ems, fire, police, etc.. That qualified her and the kids to get money from some federal organization. Im not sure of the amount but I know its a lot for around where we live.
    amermonstarsgir's Avatar
    amermonstarsgir Posts: 33, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Aug 27, 2008, 07:06 PM
    We have all tried to talk to her, I know she is lonely and trying to fill the emptyness but she seems like she doesn't want to talk. Im afraid that the kids are going to start to suffer because she is busy with this other guy. The oldest child is turning 14 and has her head in a cell phone 24/7 and won't talk to anyone but her boyfriend and the 7 year old asked when her daddy was going to come back home and then at school they asked the kids to draw pictures of their family and she just cried her eyes out. I know that she is trying to deal with this but I think she is forgetting how this is effecting the kids.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
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    #6

    Aug 27, 2008, 07:11 PM
    It's hard to lose someone you love and not be selfish. Maybe it's time for some counselling, for her and the kids. They all have allot to deal with right now, and outsider, professional is a good idea to help them learn to deal with this.

    I'm not saying that what she's doing is right, but right now she isn't thinking about that, or her kids, she's just lonely and sad and looking for something to get her mind off that.

    Keep talking to her, don't give up, one day she'll be ready to talk, let her know that when the time comes you'll be there to listen.

    Perhaps sugget that she come here, there are allot of wonderful people on this site, some of them have been through a similar situation as her, maybe it would help if she could talk to faceless strangers.

    I know you're hurting too, and you obviously love your sister and her kids very much, don't give up on her, she needs you more than you know.
    BetrayalBtCamp's Avatar
    BetrayalBtCamp Posts: 307, Reputation: 63
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    #7

    Aug 27, 2008, 07:20 PM
    This guy is taking advantage of her because she is very vulnerable right now. A real friend (or at least a smart one) would encourage her to deal with the mourning as strictly a platonic friend, which she needs to do without him swooping in the way he has.

    She is looking for a quick fix to the anguish of losing her H so unexpectedly & this guy is giving her that. The more you guys are trying to talk her out of it, the more she will get defensive & stubborn. He will help convince you that you guys (that do love her) are just trying to interfere for no good reason, because she needs to believe that is true & that this guy is sincere.

    Instead of trying to shove him away, which won't work (instead it will make her feel like she's in a Romeo & Juliet situation), try inviting him over & acting like you see nothing wrong with the way he's latching onto your sister. Use that time to get to know him & try to find out as much as you can about him, information is power.

    Check to see what lawsuits he's been involved in, the property records (if he owns property & what liens are on there if he does), if he has a criminal record or if he's been divorced, go to the cthouse if you can & pull the file up to see what's in there. Don't tell her you are doing this. If you do find something bad out, be careful how you use that info, don't just confront her or him if you can avoid it. Use it to know what you guys & your sister are really dealing with.

    You may want to suggest that she put some of the money into a trust for the kids and/or herself.

    What your sister doesn't need right now is to think she has to cut herself off from you guys & pick him, which she is likely to do. He's making her think he's perfect & everything she does is perfect too, you guys are critical & unloving (or that's the way it can seem to her compared to him).

    She is dealing with the aftermath of her H's death & now has all that infatuation biochemistry clouding her thinking. Don't make it clear to him you are his enemy, give him enough rope to hang himself & let's pray he does it soon before she gets damaged even more than by what she's already had to endure.

    If it was my sister, I'd be tempted to hire one of those decoys to see he'd take the bait to try to hook up with them or get a friend to do it, especially if he's letting your sister think she's the only one he's interested in.

    I'm sorry this is going on, it's understandable you guys are so upset & worried.
    hjpan's Avatar
    hjpan Posts: 902, Reputation: 29
    Senior Member
     
    #8

    Aug 27, 2008, 10:06 PM
    Just be friendly with the new guy...

    Your sister suffered a traumatic experience so she needs someone to rely on...
    But start pulling records of the guys' history cause if he's convicted before for any offense, warn your sister.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #9

    Aug 28, 2008, 03:58 PM
    Whatever you do better be behind the scenes, and you can keep an eye on this family, without them knowing. They could all use some counseling, and support, but not interference. Be there when she comes out of shock!!!
    brkfstatiffs's Avatar
    brkfstatiffs Posts: 263, Reputation: 21
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    #10

    Aug 28, 2008, 04:03 PM
    She is filling a void. There is no way a woman can go from having that huge of a loss to suddenly dating again. Are you sure she wasn't involved with this guy before the accident? Sometimes, you never know what's really going on in a persons headspace, yes, even your own sisters. That's what came to mind when I first read this. That either a) she was already invovled with him somehow or b) she is clinging to him because it is comfortable and safe ina time of need. I think you and your family need to really be there for her 10x as much as you probably are currently. Maybe she should talk to a professional, but try to convnice her to take time for herself... for the kids sake if nothing else.
    liz28's Avatar
    liz28 Posts: 4,662, Reputation: 1034
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    #11

    Aug 28, 2008, 08:06 PM
    One thing I noticed about people is that everyone handles death differently. When my grandfather past around my grandma didn't even mourn and everyone shocked. It was if she blocked it from her head and we all thought she was going nuts because it was as if the decades they shared didn't happen. Then 3 months later I guess reality kicked in and she broke down. Maybe for your sister it's this guy. Death takes it toll on people in so many different ways. Has your sister seen a grivance conunsellor and how was she cope with her husband death. Sometimes people jump to conclusions about other people and I can understand in a time like this. Just continue to be there for her and one day she'll open up.

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