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tabbarat · Aug 27, 2008, 05:06 PM

This is how it goes down: my girl was with someone for 10 yrs! Since she was 15... they lived together for 3 yrs... they would break up and get back, but she would always go back to him... about 6 months ago, he asked her to marry him.. she rejected his because she was moving to another country for work, and because she was willing to see what else is out there

That's where I come in... about 4 months ago, I met her at a party and we hit it off... we really started falling for each other, and started to really like each other... she told me that I'm the only one for her, etc... she made it clear to me that she wants to move on with me and ditch her past, and concentrate on us, but she just needed time... for example, when we would be getting sexual, she would sometimes hesitate first, because it would be the first time with someone new (other than her ex of 10yrs)... I didn't care, I really liked her, so I respected her past, respected the fact that she was with someone for so long, and didn't mind taking it slow with her until she fully forgets about him

Things were going fine until, she got a warning at work.. she was told to pick up her sales within 2 weeks or she's getting fired! So of course she started panicking and worrying, etc... she only wanted to stay home and never felt like going out.. I would have to beg her to go out so I can see her...

After about 10 days of not seeing her and arguing a bit on the phone... she tells me the truth: for the past week me and my ex started talking again.. she said she told him about work and the warning and that she told him because he is the person that knows her best... she told me that she realized that she still has feelings for him.. the exact words were, "i really like you, but i still love my ex...im really confused..maybe we should take it easy for a while, take things slow"

I haven't talked to her in almost a week.. let her miss me and realize what she is missing... she has a good thing with her here, don't know why she had to rekindle the past... giving her about 10 days-2 weeks to miss me... if she doesn't realize she made a mistake, I think I'm going to have to forget about her

My questions are: 1) is my decision good? 2) or do I just call her and fight for her... and tell her she is making a mistake, etc... basically, what will make me get her back... fighting for her, or making her miss me?

N0help4u · Aug 27, 2008, 05:13 PM

I think it is best to back off because even if you fight to win her back her heart sounds like it is with him and you are better off letting them get back together than to get her back and her always wondering what she is feeling. So stay backed off until things play out however they are going to go.

tabbarat · Aug 27, 2008, 05:33 PM

U make sense... but I know that she only contacted him again because of the pressure at work.. and on some level I can understand why she would feel comfortable talking to her ex of 10 yrs.. I mean I do only know her for 4 months... but the point is, just because he met her first, doesn't mean that I won't lover her the same or more than he did.. besides they live in different countries... even though she still loves him, she just has to realize that he is the past, and I am the present and future... but I don't think fighting for her would help.. it would be added pressure on her... I should give her space and let her realize it herself (hopefully)...

Chery · Aug 27, 2008, 05:35 PM

She is looking, maybe trying to escape, but she is obviously not able to concentrate on her job, or her future. It is all so 'iffy' for her, so I would just stand back and let her figure out what she really has set for goals in her life.

Instead of talking to you about her job problem, she talked to him because she felt he knows her best and was desperate for advice from someone she trusts more.

Getting to know someone and falling for them is fun, but it can be tough too and no matter what your decision will finally be, it's still up to her, so you really have no control of what's in it for you at this time.

Don't put your life on hold for her. Find someone to start a fresh relationship with that is not carrying around so much past baggage - that's what I would do.

Good luck dear, and keep us posted. Honest, your not the only one this has happened to, and it will probably not be the last time, until you finally find the right one.

ylaira · Aug 27, 2008, 05:48 PM

You did the right thing. What she asked you is a matter of fact in favor of you. No matter what you do, you can't compare 10yrs to 4 months. Just do it to protect yourself from false hopes. We can't force love and sometimes the best way to show it is being patient in providing them their own pace.

Chery · Aug 27, 2008, 05:58 PM

Originally Posted by tabbarat

u make sense....but i know that she only contacted him again bc of the pressure at work..and on some level i can understand why she would feel comfortable talking to her ex of 10 yrs..i mean i do only know her for 4 months...but the point is, just because he met her first, doesnt mean that i wont lover her the same or more than he did..besides they live in different countries...even though she still loves him, she just has to realize that he is the past, and i am the present and future....but i dont think fighting for her would help..it would be added pressure on her...i should give her space and let her realize it herself (hopefully)....

That is a wise decision dear. Give her time to get her life and job balanced so that she can relax and enjoy the time with you once she is no longer stressed out. If she does contact you in the near future, just tell her you care and that she can talk to you about anything... but, still don't sit at the phone waiting - that would be unfair to yourself.

Crossing my fingers for you a whole bunch!

There are no guarantees in life, but we have a right to hope for happy endings - you are a caring and patient person and deserve it.

Ash123 · Aug 27, 2008, 06:27 PM

UGH.

I have been there man. It is not a battle worth fighting. She will come back and run away from him... from you... etc.

I know you love her. Yes, staying away is good. She has to work out a lot of issues. She needs REAL time away from him -- then you could date... maybe tell her you'd like to see in 6 months. Really, I'd just walk away if you could. It's early...

talaniman · Aug 27, 2008, 07:39 PM

She needs time, and space, and most of all no pressure from you at all. Back away, and give her what she needs, whether that's you, or not. That's caring on your part.

Whatever she is going through, let her deal with it her own way, while you focus on you.

We never know what will happen next, so best be ready for whatever it is.

hjpan · Aug 27, 2008, 10:04 PM

She's a confused little dummy. Leave her alone and find a new girl.

Apparently, she runs to her ex and you when trouble comes up.

Ithappenstoall · Aug 27, 2008, 11:36 PM

Even if it has been a couple months that you met her, you still could have been a rebound for her. And that is never fun. All I am saying is try and put some space between you two and let her deal with her own issues. After a 10 yeaar relatioship she still will not be over it. In the mean time try and relax and keep yourself busy

BetrayalBtCamp · Aug 28, 2008, 12:27 AM

but the point is, just because he met her first, doesn't mean that I won't lover her the same or more than he did.. besides they live in different countries... even though she still loves him, she just has to realize that he is the past, and I am the present and future...

Dude, they have a LONG history together & were broke up only 2 months after a marriage proposal. If they had been married, the divorce would barely be filed. The fact that he met her first doesn't mean you couldn't love her in a way that would be good for her, but it does mean he has a prior claim she's not willing to give up. She called him because she wanted to talk things out with the man she's loved for a decade.

If you don't want to get caught up in the drama / trauma of her deciding which of you she will pick (if does end up being one of you & not someone new), stay away until she truly is emotionally single & contacts you. During that time, don't sit home waiting for her to call. Find someone truly single & willing to have a relationship with someone like you, not someone turning to an ex for support. That sounds like got the past & present cornered pretty good (she cut contact with you significantly to turn to him) so odds are her future may fall into his hands too.

Otherwise, you'll just end up being used to make him rev up his efforts to win her back & with their long history, he's got a pretty good winning hand. Not because she's rubbing into his face you're this interested in her but because if he has a brain, when he knows she's been seeing someone seriously (if he doesn't already) he'll turn the charm on full blast on his own.

I'm not saying you have NO chance, but it's a slim one especially if she admitted loving him & it sounds like there was no really horrible person or breakup she was getting away from. Just she didn't want a long distance relationship & wanted to see what was out there. Well, you were out there but it didn't stop her from loving him or wanting to call him. Not trying to be mean, but you need to realize that this may be a lost cause & not let it get to you too badly if you lose this one.

tabbarat · Aug 28, 2008, 01:19 AM

Interesting... it looks like a unanimous decision to give her space to decide what she wants and make her miss me, etc... no one was in favor of fighting to get her back...

OK.. done.. I haven't called her in almost a week... and of course if I meet someone in the mean time, there is no reason why I shouldn't pursue it... I mean, technically, I am single!

But my next question is: 1) when do i call my ex again? how long is enough time for her space? 2) do i call, or wait for her to do the move?....the reason I am suggesting to call is because I believe if I want to get her back in some way, I need to be in the picture... maybe a phonecall once a week.. a message here and there... because everyday I don't contact her, I'm sure her prick ex is calling... so I need to get back in the picture somehow,. im not saying pressure, and calling everyday, and asking to see her evrytime... but I don't see a harm in calling once in a while, lettng her know I'm OK with the "breakup" and that we can be friends; and that if her stupid ex fukks up again, I'll be there for her as a friend or boyfriend

Thanks guys

liz28 · Aug 28, 2008, 05:51 AM

You already stated she and this guy have a history of breaking out and then getting back together. No matter what your shared in the 4 months of knowing each other, her and her ex shared more and that's why she called him after her boss warn her of getting fired. I think you was someone she happened to get along with and help cured her from being lonely. That's the reason she'd hestitated at times before becoming intimate. What your shared happen too fast and came to an end. You shouldn't sit around and wait because she will always go back to her ex while you'll just be left with heartache. Move on and next time don't be too quick to jump into something with someone with a history like her because if you think they were not still in contact before this, you would only be kidding yourself.

talaniman · Aug 28, 2008, 06:11 AM

You can't get someone back period, as it her choice and you have to understand that there is still something between these two, that makes your time together nothing more than acquaintances.

Obviously your in much deeper emotionally than she is, and to have a chance at being healthy, you must let her go, and leave her alone, as anything else won't be friendship, it will be you hanging around trying to get her back. That will always be in the back of your mind, so best not contact her ever, but focus on moving your own life along.

Your hurt, and shocked now, but let the emotional dust settle, before you decide what's best for you. Give it plenty of thought.

tabbarat · Aug 28, 2008, 08:37 AM

Guys... I appreciate your answers, but the last two answers made it seem that the relationship was one sided? The girl told me she really likes me and wants to forget her past and move on... she told her ex to move on!. it was not one sided at all!

What happened was when hit the fan (warning at work), the added pressure made her turn to something she knows... she did talk to me about work as well, but she also talked to him... and she said that it is not fair to me to continue with her when she realized she still has feelings for him... the girl is confused... does she move on with me, or go back to her ex and make it work...

My point is, it was in no way one sided...

Of course she will most probably choose him, I know that... but when the "emotional dust" settles, she'll realize that she misses me as well, and we are in the same country after all... let her miss me, and I will move on of course... and IF she does decide to come back, it will be on my terms...

Now, please just answer my previous questions about if it is wise to message or call once in a while just to see where she stands and to keep myself in the picture... no pressure, just some gestures to see how she is doing, say hi, etc... I think I should stay in the pic. Whether to be friends, or even get back when she realizes she might be making the same mistake again of getting back with him

But my next question is: 1) when do I call my ex again? How long is enough time for her space? 2) do I call, or wait for her to do the move?. the reason I am suggesting to call is because I believe if I want to get her back in some way, I need to be in the picture... maybe a phonecall once a week.. a message here and there... because everyday I don't contact her, I'm sure her prick ex is calling... so I need to get back in the picture somehow,. im not saying pressure, and calling everyday, and asking to see her evrytime... but I don't see a harm in calling once in a while, lettng her know I'm OK with the "breakup" and that we can be friends; and that if her stupid ex fukks up again, I'll be there for her as a friend or boyfriend

Thanks guys

hjpan · Aug 28, 2008, 09:36 AM

Originally Posted by tabbarat

but my next question is: 1) when do i call my ex again? how long is enough time for her space? 2) do i call, or wait for her to do the move?....the reason i am suggesting to call is because i believe if i want to get her back in some way, i need to be in the picture...maybe a phonecall once a week..a message here and there....because everyday i dont contact her, im sure her prick ex is calling...so i need to get back in the picture somehow,....im not saying pressure, and calling everyday, and asking to see her evrytime...but i dont see a harm in calling once in a while, lettng her know im ok with the "breakup" and that we can be friends; and that if her stupid ex fukks up again, i'll be there for her as a friend or bf

thanks guys

You don't. Period. End of story.

No need to carry her trash around you anymore.
Forget her and find someone else. You seriously need relationship counseling.

What is the part "she runs to her ex when stuff happens" don't you understand?
You're just a rebound for her to go to and leave as she wants.

BetrayalBtCamp · Aug 28, 2008, 09:52 AM

There is no doubt that she had a good time with you & that wasn't one sided. But you are refusing to acknowledge that she is in a very confused state of mind right now regarding what to do with her life, her career & her long term relationship. Many couples break up & get back together which is what you want her to do because you had a great 4 months with her, her ex may want that for himself too & he has TEN YRS.

Perhaps you should think hard to see if this insistence you have on getting her back is really based on her & the quality of the relationship you have with her or instead is really more about other factors such as hating to lose to another guy so you can feel like the "better man won", fear of abandonment, not wanting to have to go on the hunt for a new girlfriend instead of this woman herself.

She may come back to you, she may not. You want to hear what tricks you can use to make it more likely you are successful in your pursuit of her. Why don't you try being patient & letting her decide what contact she wants with you on her own while getting on with your own life in a healthy way? Making her an obsession that you must win at all costs isn't going to help anyone, including you.

Breakups are hard & hurtful, it's understandable to want to get back what we had but that's not always possible. You need to accept that she may not be interested in getting back with you as much as her ex & there will be nothing you can do about that, it's her life & choice.

No one can tell you the perfect timing as to your contact attempts, only you know her. We can only tell you that if you keep pushing the result you get is likely to be one you don't want since you will become another source of stress to her instead of pleasure. You made your position clear to her (you want the relationship), she is letting you know hers & she knows how to reach you if she has more to say. Whether you pay attention to that is up to you.

tabbarat · Aug 28, 2008, 10:00 AM

Well put and sounds about right... she knows how to contact me.. and maybe one week is still not enough time

liz28 · Aug 28, 2008, 10:07 AM

Originally Posted by tabbarat

guys...i appreciate your answers, but the last two answers made it seem that the relationship was one sided?! the girl told me she really likes me and wants to forget her past and move on...she told her ex to move on!...it was not one sided at all!

I reread the 2 posts prior to this post and the advice given did not seem one sidea at all but maybe misunderstod. Prior to her moving to this new town she was propose to by her ex but the relationship ended due to he moving. Then she met you, I'd give her credit for being honest with you because most people aren't, and then your started something. Your feeling grew but her didn't because she was never completely over her ex, therefore she could not completley give herself to you.

Moving on to your new questions, contacting her is something you shouldn't do until you can cope with being her friend. Calling her ex a prick is helping because it's oblivious there's something about him that keeps her going back to him.

BetrayalBtCamp · Aug 28, 2008, 10:08 AM

She can not miss what she is not given the opportunity to long for. She will not miss you bugging her if having you in her face in some form constantly isn't what she wants. It will be an annoyance she wants to stop instead, is that what you want to happen? It will drive her right into his arms much easier if you push too hard when she's not ready to deal with you.