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sarabi12 · Aug 26, 2008, 03:37 AM

I am 28 years old and have been in my current relationship for 18 months. I love my boyfriend and we have very recently bought a house. My boyfriend actually moved 300 miles to be with me. However, recently there have been a few things that have happened that have happened that have has brought me to feel uncomfortable.
Previous to this relationship I was with a engaged to a man that I spent 11 years with. This relationship ended after I discovered that he had been seeing another woman behind my back.
I have been very happy with my boyfriend and he has made me feel special and loved. He gave up his life to move to be with me so surely you would not do that for someone that you were not sure about?
This may sound silly but I really need some advice.
Firstly, when I think that I found a porno dvd in his laptop. I did not say anything and although I did not think that this was a huge deal it did start to change my opinion of him. That was months OK and I understand that guys do that- I have seen some before and that's OK.
Then there was texts from his ex- OK if my ex still had my mobile then I might reply to his. However we had a chat about this and he said that he would not reply to them anymore- was this unreasonable of me to want this? I know that he would not like it if I had done this?
Then just a couple of days ago I saw an e mail from him to one of his friends saying that when we were on holiday after I was asleep he was creeping off to dodgy clubs. This was the thing that made me feel sick. At this point, when we went on holiday we had been dating a few months and we were on our first holiday away together. Why would he sneek off? Anyway I prob should not have seen this but I did and I found this hard to digest. I did eventually tell him what I saw. He has always made out that he is an honest guy- and he is great. He told me that the guy that he e mailed was impressed by stuff like that and that is why he wrote it and it was just what his friend wanted to hear. Why would he- are guys really this shallow?

He has also told me that he no longer hears from his ex and I saw a recent text from her and he had replied several times.

I just can not stand in a relationship that holds lies or deceat! Is he telling the truth- I told he when he said he had not done it- that I believed him and I did. He looked like he was telling the truth. We do have a great sex life to and he is apprecative towards me and says he has had the best 18months of his life with me.

What would you do? Am I being over the top? Is he lying?

liz28 · Aug 26, 2008, 05:21 AM

If your catching him in lies and have proof of it, there's no need to ask anyone else. You know him better than anyone. Some people talk to their ex but it' want they say to each other that's makes it a problem. It sems this relationship lacks trust and without that you have nothing. If you have to sneak into his things and play private eye then your guts must be telling you something. If he's lying about having contact with his ex, then something wrong. Again in over to over react you are reading the texts if you see something unharmful don't make a big deal. I understand your ex cheated but everyone is not the same. Talk to him again.

sarabi12 · Aug 26, 2008, 05:43 AM

Originally Posted by liz28

If your catching him in lies and have proof of it, there's no need to ask anyone else. You know him better than anyone. Some people talk to their ex but it' want they say to each other that's makes it a problem. It sems this relationship lacks trust and without that you have nothing. If you have to sneak into his things and play private eye then your guts must be telling you something. If he's lying about having contact with his ex, then something wrong. Again in over to over react you are reading the texts if you see something unharmful don't make a big deal. I understand your ex cheated but everyone is not the same. Talk to him again.

I know that I need to address my insecuirities- I am not sure how I should do this?- sometimes its as if I have to test him. Its only very recently that I have been tempted to look at his phone and e mails- he has no problem with me looking and even given me his passwords as he says he has nothing to hide. I do love him and this is not the question. But I suppose I am worried that the same will happen again to me and I always think that I would rather end it now then go any further. I do not like him texting his ex but if he feels that he wants to I just want to know. Last time they were texting he told me we fell out because she kept texting that night and I threw his phone at him. I don't think he would tell me again because he knows that I asked him not to reply to her texts. I know that she has texted him since this happened but by looking at his phone, which I should not have been doing. However, maybe I should not have asked him to in contact with her?

liz28 · Aug 26, 2008, 05:53 AM

I don't think there's anything with being friends with your ex. If you don't see anything out the norm in them, they don't make a big deal.Relax a little every guy is not like your ex and if you continue this you can turn him off. You have to trust someone and give them the benefit of doubt until they prove otherwise. Maybe that's why he hide it from you because he knows you make a big deal. On the flipside this is no good because you shouldn't have to lie or want to hide things from your partner. I know your going be on your p's and q's because of what happen in your past but don't let it ruin your future.

sarabi12 · Aug 26, 2008, 06:01 AM

Originally Posted by liz28

I don't think there's anything with being friends with your ex. If you don't see anything out the norm in them, they don't make a big deal.Relax a little every guy is not like your ex and if you continue this you can turn him off. You have to trust someone and give them the benefit of doubt until they prove otherwise. Maybe that's why he hide it from you because he knows you make a big deal. On the flipside this is no good because you shouldn't have to lie or want to hide things from your partner. I know your going be on your p's and q's because of what happen in your past but don't let it ruin your future.

Yes, he was actually married to his ex. I feel better about this already. I do need to relax. I am actually a confident person but somethimes when I have too much time to think then I get paranoid and this is worse when I am menstrual. I know that sounds terrible!! We both have a similar past and his ex was seeing someone behind his back too. Thanks for your help!!

Romefalls19 · Aug 26, 2008, 06:11 AM

If it is any help, I am friends with just about every ex I've ever had. We realize we made better friends, I have hung out with them while in my present relationship and my girlfriend has even met a few of my exes. Friends is where it stops. Perhaps ask him to introduce you to his ex to make sure nothing is going on?

liz28 · Aug 26, 2008, 06:12 AM

My fiancée is like that. He think too much and like you his ex cheated on him. We work through it but there was times when I wanted to leave. Now he's in therephy and working on his issues.

Also, I to have been lie to cheated on in the past but I don't carry it on in my next relationship because everyone is different. I trust everyone until they break the trust.

One more question when you do read his text to and from her what do they say. Like how are you doing? Things like that.

sarabi12 · Aug 26, 2008, 06:24 AM

Originally Posted by liz28

My fiancee is like that. He think too much and like you his ex cheated on him. We work through it but there was times when I wanted to leave. Now he's in therephy and working on his issues.

Also, I to have been lie to cheated on in the past but I don't carry it on in my next relationship because everyone is different. I trust everyone until they break the trust.

One more question when you do read his text to and from her what do they say. Like how are you doing? Things like that.

Yes completely- they are without kisses and just basic stuff like about their cats and stuff. We are going back to his home town this weekend and we may bump into her so I have asked him to tell me if she contacts him and I have told him that's its up to him whether he replies. I do not want to become obsessed with this but I do need him to always tell me the truth. There were so many lies with my ex when he was seeing someone else. I know that I need to let that go and I know he is nothing like my ex.

liz28 · Aug 26, 2008, 06:38 AM

You see, no harm. Relax and realize he' not your ex especially if you want your relationship to grow. You don't want to be alone and you need to just cool it. I wish you're the best of luck and hope everything works out. Have tons of fun in his home town and if your do run into her stand strong and confident. Speak to her and even shake her hand. Besides that, again your just have fun.