[Timmah]

I'm hoping I can get some meaningful advice on my situation. If not, I really don't know what to do.

The whole summer, a girl I work with had been trying to hook me up with this friend of hers who was interested in me. I saw a picture of her, and she was cute.. But everyone is cute, so if I wanted to be interested in her back, I wanted to communicate with her, because personality is an important aspect before I look into someone ( since, in the past, I would fall for girls who were attractive, but overall jerks ). Talking to her online, we had a lot in common. This girl is literally the female version of me. I was amazed, and wanted to know her more. I decided to play it slow and do group hang outs with her involved, since already asking her on a date was too soon. The two times we hung out in groups, she was extremely quiet. Like, I tried making conversation, and she would have a two word response. I was warned that she was incredibly shy and self-conscious, so I wasn't upset. After that, I decided maybe it would be best to have her and I hang out together finally, and I got the approval from her friend to do so. I asked the girl out on a date ( though I said to hang out ) and she said she would. For a two-three week period, I would ask when would be a good day to get together, and she would either reply saying 'these days wouldn't work out' or not reply at all. Her friend would find out for me ( not that I asked her to find out anything.. I just told her what was up, and she took matter in her own hands ) what was up, and again, another sign that she was incredibly shy/self-conscious; she was kind of freaked out that she was going to go hang out with me, though she really liked me a lot. Eventually she picked a day that would work and we hung out. It was a great evening. We played pool, ate somewhere, and took a walk by a local lake. I never held hands with her and we just talked the whole evening. To my understanding, she enjoyed the evening greatly, and became more interested in me. We ended up going on another date ( surprisingly, on my birthday ) and she bought me dinner and bought me a bunch of gifts ( which, aside from my parents, no one has ever done this for me. Not even my closest of friends ). We took a walk downtown. Still unsure how everything stood, I asked her if I could hold her hand while we were walking, and she said yes, so I held her hand. We ended up sitting down at a bench talking, and she laid her head on my shoulder. I then popped the big question that would either make the evening grand or awkward: I asked if I could kiss her, and she said yes, smiling as if she had been waiting to hear that forever. I was just going to kiss her for a minute.. Then a minute turned into 30.. Eventually turning into an hour or two. We became boyfriend/girlfriend that night.

Everything seemed great. We were talking everyday, one of use always saying good morning to one another, and just in love.

But then.. The days after our last date this past Mon until now have been turmoil on me.

Monday, we went by the same lake and had a nice dinner. She had been gone out of state for the whole week, and already missing each other, decided to make the evening memorable. We started making out, and then all of a sudden, her shirt came off ( along with bra ) and my shirt came off, making things incredibly interesting. By the end, we started giving each other handjobs, becoming more aggressive when we kissed.

As much as I enjoyed it, there was a part inside of me that thought 'You know, this is going by way too fast' which didn't bother me to terribly. What did bother me was there was also a part of me that felt guilty and convicted, and I let it be known in the middle of it 'This feels wrong right now' though we didn't stop.

The next couple of days followed, and our conversations were just not the same. We were texting, so maybe I was overthinking, but it felt like there was something on her mind. I felt like the sexual part of Mon night may have caused her to think differently of me, but we still had a date Fri night, so I didn't overthink too much about it. Then Wed night came..

Around midnight, she had sent me this huge message online, stating that the communication part doesn't match the physical part of the relationship, and that she felt like we were more of friends with benefits since emotionally, she didn't feel we were boyfriend and girlfriend, on the account that she has a hard time saying no to me. She always wants to say yes when she's around me ( which, the more I think about it, is a bad place to put yourself in ) but yet, didn't regret anything about Mon night, though she admitted things were going way too fast for us, and then popped the worst possible thing any guy would ever want to hear: she needed some space, stating 'not because of you, but because I want to make myself into a better person' then going on for a whole paragraph how much she liked me and listing the reasons.

At this point, I'm crying. I felt like I ed up greatly, because I let lust overcome something that seemed so pure and innocent. I decided I was going to wait a week before I wrote her, but the next day, she messaged me online. I decided to give my thoughts then. In the midst of the conversation, she stated that she said what she said because she thought I wouldn't agree with her on focusing on the communication part of our relationship and that I would hate her one day because of her flaw. I told her honestly that it didn't matter, and I would do whatever I could to help her out, and that I wanted to make this work out. She agreed, as well, and reconciled. Our date was still planned, but I wanted to go ahead and, instead of seeing a movie, go to a coffee shop and just talk.

The next day, she ended up texting me a few hours before our date that she was not feeling too well, and that she had to cancel. I had talked to her earlier that day, and she was doing just fine. When asking what other day she wanted to do it, the speed of her text messages were becoming slower and slower. Normally it takes her 15-30 minutes to respond. The very last text message she replied to.. It took her an hour to reply.

I haven't talked to her since Friday night, not because I'm upset with her, but because 'maybe I need to give her a few days to clear her mind'.

With all this information, what do you guys think I should do? What's your advice? All the advice I've been getting has been from 'dump her' to 'If she says she likes you, I wouldn't over think it and just give her a breather'. This is the first relationship I've been in, and she's the only one I've come across that's shown me any affection.

Sorry for going into too much detail about this, but I've looked through a bunch of posts ( not on this site ) that sounded so much like one another, so hopefully I'll get decent responses with the information given.

Thank you.

[jrebel7]

It speaks well of you that you care enough about doing the right thing for both you and the girl to take the time to post and seek others advice. You say this is the first relationship you have been in so that may account for you being confused and your post sounds like the girl is giving you mixed messages which she may not know herself what she needs or wants to do.

Moving too fast in a relationship does bring complications early on. One of the most beautiful things about new relationships is the building of friendship, closeness, sharing, flirting, learning to trust each other, finding out who each of you are and if the passion comes too quickly, it sometimes kills something that could have blossomed. The art of kissing is just getting lost it seems. To take the time to just hold each other and look into each other's eyes as you visit, allows each one to assess slowly.

Everything in our society and in our bodies screams out "Satisfy" what you feel. Self restraint can be one of the most precious gifts one can give the other.

Honestly, as I read your post, it comes across to me that she was interested, may still be, has a hard time saying no (which will be to her detriment, we all need to learn how to say no to ourselves and others), and can't commit except in short periods. It may just be immaturity on her part.

I would arrange a time to visit with her. Let her know that even though you care about her, you are picking up that she is not quite ready to be in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with you. Tell her that since she said that she needed some space, you care about her and respect her enough to do what she wants so you will not be texting or calling. (If you want to say you wish it had worked out because you care very much for her, that would be fine but I would not say anything that ties you down emotionally such as "when or if you get ready to talk again, just let me know".) Be kind in your manner and tone of voice.

In the future, try to keep in mind that even though we all like to satisfy what our bodies are telling us to do, it can bring a premature ending to what could have been most precious. Don't beat yourself up about it. She was a willing partner. She doesn't sound too shy to me so bear in mind, that could just be how she handles not responding quickly to invitations. It sounds like she went overboard a bit by buying lots of presents no further into the relationship which also says, she may just be immature and doesn't quite know what is appropriate right now.

I know you are confused and hurting. I just think emotionally, it might be easier on you to just let go, let her know you are letting go. Closure is good. If she realizes all of a sudden, "OH NO! This isn't what I want." and tells you that, then of course, you will have that decision to make.

Enjoy your dating years, the learning, the balancing, the precious moments that you will remember all your life.

I know others will come along and give you great information and advice. Just take it all in, and take time to balance all of it in your mind. You will know what is right for you to do. Trust your instincts, not your hormones!! (I don't say that to be rude, I just know from experience that when one makes a decision based on something other than what they know to be the right thing for them, it rarely works out. Best to you.

[TrueFaith]

You are a good man :) a very good one. Let me tell you, I have been in many! Friends with bonus. And its fun at first but it kills you inside. She is not worth the mess my friend. And she is nothing like you, if she does that to you.

So you have not lost out. I know its hard to not go with the friends with rights, as its just so easy. But easy come easy go, and sadly like most of us we get hurt when it goes

So my friend save yourself for someone that really knows what she has, when she has you

Regards

Faith

[talaniman]

I think she may have been overwhelmed, and surprised, and it scared her. I would give her some time, and then call, and see where her head is.

A little reassurance may be all she needs. Communication, and caring, and patience, maybe all you need, and go slow if she is interested.

Hey this is dating, not a life commitment, and dating is supposed to be fun, as you get to know someone. If its not, don't do it. You can end up friends and that ain't bad either.

Just always try to be honest with her, and any female.

[A mouse]

Well, follow through and continue to try and make things work. If she wasn't feeling well she was probably dozing off a bit. You can't blame her for that.

-Mouse

[I wish]

I can tell you that things aren't as bad as you think they are. You guys haven't been together for long so take it slow.

She obviously seems overwhealmed with the physical stuff, so slow that part down. Focus more on talking more. Definitely give her some space so that she doesn't feel pressure from you.

Just a suggestion, but instead of texting all day, maybe just leave her alone all day and only call her at night. Then you guys can talk about your day, etc. Just take it slow with her, don't bombard her with too many messages.