Hello my friend,
At the moment you have too much to cope with... one thing at a time.
Firstly you have to be sure and get your HIV treatment, your first priority is to get yourself well again, it will take a while, but hang on in there, it will happen.
Have you been told point blank that you will not walk again, or have they said it's a possibility?. once you've regained your strength you cross that bridge later.
Your gay... so what, I have lots of friends who are gay and there still my friends, what they do in their sex life is no one else's business, it's between the two people concerned, so stop worrying about it... these days it's no big deal.
You say your in Scotland, what a beautiful place, although yes I have to say some places are some what remote.My Mum and Dad used to live there many years ago, Dad was a lighthouse keeper on one of the islands.
Once you regain your strength there is no reason why you should not move away if that's what you wish, just be patient and see how things go... ok
Drink and Drugs, sorry my friend going down the wrong alley there, yes you have to have some drugs for medication, but any thing else... well... no.
The trouble with anti-depressants is yes they make you feel better for a while but then they also make you feel bad again, it's a vicious circle.
My friend... is it possible that you could stay somewhere else for a while, maybe a friend or a member of the family you can talk to,I'm sure you'd benefit from it.
I think you need to do a lot of talking, get things out of your system.. so to speak.
I think you should go back to your Doctor, tell him the pills aren't working, and that you have these suicidal thoughts, your at home your parents don't really understand. Tell him you need to see some one who can help you through this, write it down if you feel you won't remember and give it to him... he'll understand .
Hopefully he will refer you a councillor or maybe a theropy group which will allow you to talk about your feelings etc...
There are plenty of people to listen please don't try to cope on your own we all need help sometimes, just ask... Don't forget that you can always phone the... Samaritans... day or night, if you feel the need to talk.
Takecare
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