[Argentina74]

Well here's my story... I was with my ex for only a year when I found out I was pregnant. He and I were happy about having a child together. I am 33 years old he is 29 so I figured we are both adults with good jobs so we can handle this. A few months later I found out he had been cheating on me for the past 5 months. I was hurt but I didn't allow myself to get depressed for the sake of my child, I didn't want to have a miscarriage and I knew stress would harm the baby. We separated for 3 months. He came after me asking for forgiveness, wanted to be with me, marriage... blah, blah, blah. After a while I gave in (again for the sake of my baby) and allowed him back in my life. Not too long after that I caught him cheating again. I am now 9 months pregnant and due any day. He called for a while asking to be forgiven again and saying he wanted to be part of his child's life. I didn't respond. I don't want him in my son's life at ALL. I think he would be a horrible influence on my child and I think he would do more harm than if he stayed away from him. You see this man is a compulsive liar and just a bad person overall. I found out during the separation that he used to (or still does) sell drugs. Also he uses women for money, I never gave him a cent so the women he was cheating on me with were the ones giving him a place to live and money. During my whole pregnancy all he did was hurt me and lie about everything. The person he was while we were dating was gone and he became this selfish, emotionally abusive man with no sense of right and wrong or any remorse for his wrong doings. What could he possibly have to offer my son? He was supposed to help with medical bills and he never came through. Early in the pregnancy I had a scare, I texted him and never replied or called to see how I was. Anyway, I'm not going to put his name on the birth certificate and I don't want to tell him when I go into labour either. Here's my question: Some people may think I don't have the right to keep the baby's father away and that I chose him so now I'm stuck with the guy no matter what. Also there is the child support issue. The thing is I don't want to make it easy on him. If he WANTS to be in his son's life he will first have to prove he is the father and then take me to court for his rights, child support etc. I wonder if he will go through all the trouble. If he doesn't am I free from him and get to raise my child on my own without all the drama and bad influence or can he still come around? If he goes through the trouble or fighting for his son then I'll know he has the intentions of being there and although he can't be true to me he could be there for him. I am not a vendictive person and I'm not doing this because of the cheating, I'm over him and I know I deserve better... the thing is so does my son who is the only thing I care about. I want to do the right thing for him and I don't want him to resent me someday for making the wrong decision. Please any advise will be helpful... sorry for the length of my post... lost of stuff to let out.

[N0help4u]

Yes if you give him another chance you will just be putting you and your son through hardships.

No -WRONG!
"If he goes through the trouble or fighting for his son then i'll know he has the intentions of being there and although he can't be true to me he could be there for him".
If he does that it shows nothing of good intentions but maybe spite or a way out of paying child support or a kid he can raise in his footsteps

[froggy7]

First off, legally what you want and don't want takes second place to what the law says. If you don't put him on the birth certificate, he doesn't pursue it, and you later need public assistance, they are going to want to know who the father is so that they can go after him for support. At which time, he can come in and demand visitation. Also, he can just change his mind years from now and decide that he wants to be part of the child's life, and sue for visitation.

[stinawords]

Also if you leave the name of the father blank you can get in legal trouble for fraud. You don't have to tell him you are going into labor then he won't be able to sign the afidavid of paternaty. However, I can't advise you to leave the name blank. This way he will still have to go to court to get what he wants. He can come at any given point in the next 18 years to claim his rights so yes you do need to worry about that unless as soon as the child is born you go to court and file for custody. The judge will probably award him visitation but that dosen't mean he will act on it and if he dosen't use his visitation for a year or so you can go back to court to have it revised based on the fact that he hasn't used it. But you are right that you chose the father and you kind of are stuck with him that's just the way the law works.

[Argentina74]

Thanks for your responses. As far as public assistance I can live without it if it means he will be out of the picture, I can provide for my son's needs on my own. In what states is it fraud to leave the birth certificate blank? I'm in New York State.

[cozyk]

He brought children into this world and it is his responsibility to support them. You have no power over his support when it comes to being a good father. On the other hand ,the law has stepped in to make sure that he at least supports them financially. His wages can be garnished. It is not up to the gov. to pay for his kids so I am glad to see that you don't want to do that. As long as your ex is able bodied, he should financially support his own kids.

[single_mom]

Hello Argentina74,

I have the very similar experience with you except I found out he cheated on me again after the baby is born and I live in Californa.

I did not put his name on the birth certificate. I don't think it's a fraud. Actually at the hospital the birth record contact me and offer me if I would like to put his name on the birth certificate. At that time I still haven't made up my mind, so I left it blank. The birth record offer me an address say if I change my mind one day I can contact that office and modify it. So I don't think it's a fraud in the law. The birth record office will offer you a choice!

As far as how to get rid of the father. I feel stucked too. I have no idea how to get rid of him. Like you said, I am doing everything for the interest of the child but I don't see what he can offer to the baby beside bad influence to the kid. :( I even think about to move out of the country in order to disconnect with this person totally! I will see my lawyer next month to see if I can do this legally.

Actually I made a very big mistake by pissing the father off, so now he has been threatening me by taking me to the court and fight for the custody... I would say if you try to minimize the impact with him... try not to offend that jerk (the father of your baby)... if he wants to visit.. let him do it... but try not to make a big deal out of the child support... etc.

[single_mom]

By the way, I wuold say don't give the baby his last name. This is something I did wrong. Now I think I want to chagne the baby's last name, but I found I cannot! After you give the baby the father's last name, you will need to go through the court in order to modify it! Also, it may make you look bad (like you want to get rid of the father or something) if one day he fight for the custody with you in the court. If you are determine to be a single mom. Stick with it! Have the baby inherit your last name!

Be strong! I went through the similar experience as you and I emotionally support you! You can do it! Wish you and the baby all the best! Take care!

[single_mom]

Just want to share more base on my experience:

1) document every single incidence of your interaction with the father (i.e. make a call log , visitation log, include time... )
2) document all your expenses for the baby and keep your receipts (in case he fight for the custody, you will want him to pay child support!)

[Argentina74]

Thanks Single Mom! Only someone going through a similar situation could understand and give a good opinion on the matter. I had a feeling it wasn't fraud to leave the birth certificate blank and a lot of other people have also confirmed that. I had already planned on giving my son my last name (it's nicer anyway lol). I don't intent to keep the father out of the picture completely, although that's what I would like, but like someone here mentioned is NOT about what I want. He can visit all he wants but he is going to have to do so around my schedule. I just want him to have as little control over my son as possible. If he doesn't take me to court and bother me about having more rights things I'll be all right. He won't want to have to pay child support so I think this will be a good incentive to leave me alone. I just don't want that bad influence on my child. I may be stuck with this guy but I can still do some damage control by preventing him from turning my son into a loser like him. Thanks again for the good advise. How are things progressing with your situation? Have you spoken to your lawyer yet?

[bushg]

Argentia... I don't think it is considered fraud if you leave the name off. I know where I live the fathers name can not be on it unless he is there to sign the certificate.

[AmyShallFind]

Hi Argentina74, this is kind of the same situation I am in. I have 2 kids with my ex-boyfriend. I had given my first son my ex's last name and I had changed it 3 years later to my last name. It is a lot easier than one thinks and I was able to do it without a lawyer and it only cost about $100. And my ex didn't show up to court to contest it which made it even easier. But good for you that you already knew not to give baby the ex's last name.
My ex is not on my second son's birth certificate, he was "too busy" to go sign it. Even though he had shown up at the hospital when baby was born (but it wasn't really to see his son - which is a different too long of a story).
My ex took me to court for child custody as a way to get back at me because I wouldn't get back together with him. And the things he put down as reasons I made an unfit mother was fabricated and so completely out of line. It cost me too much money for what he was awarded, which is the norm, every other weekend and 1 weeknight if it doesn't intefere with school schedule. He lives an hour away and my oldest goes to preschool so he only has every other weekend visitation. He has backed out on a few visitation at the last minute with poor excuses so I just make him wait until the next scheduled weekend to see the boys. I also make sure I have backup childcare if I have something planned for the weekend or plan something where I can take the boys with me.
My ex is not so good at making sure the boys watch appropriate movies, limiting sugar intake, taking naps and going to bed at a reasonable hour. After his weekend with the boys, I have to start all over with getting them back into their routine and try eliminating their "bad words"/behaviors which is a pain and am looking forward to the day when he fades completely out of the picture (which is what I'm hoping that will happen).
His child support is a joke, he was ordered to pay only $50 a month for each kid due to the law that he has to have enough income to live off on. (which he doesn't even come close to paying because he doesn't work his full hours or something). And I don't qualify for welfare because I make a $100 a month too much. Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place. I couldn't imagine what life would be like if it wasn't for my parents helping out as much as they have. I owe them BIG!
I give my ex grief all the time about money but mainly after he gives me grief about not answering the phone when he calls to talk to the boys (which is pretty much twice a week after 9 pm), picking up the boys after visitation as court ordered (but since he only pays an average of $25 a month - forget it, because I know he doesn't want them longer than the weekend, he brings them back) and having the boys on the major Holidays, I refuse to let him have any rights to since I believe the boys need to have traditional Holiday celebrations.
What it comes down to, if he's anything like my ex. He will make as much grief as possible in the beginning - take you to court, demand things, etc. and when he finds a girlfriend, he will be too busy for the boys. In the meantime, if you stick to your guns and don't let him walk over you because you know what is best for your kid(s) and personal feelings plays no part, the court should see your way and that the ex is just a pain in the behind, you'll pretty much be able to raise the child on your own the way you want to raise him. (And I think of my ex as a weekend babysitter).
AND like SingleMom said, document everything!! I document and video my text messages (I am hearing impaired) and visitations, what was said and all. You will look so much better if the ex does take you to court in the future saying that you're a bad mom and keeping the kid away from him when you are able to prove that it is all HIS doings.
By doing this and knowing my/his legal rights have helped me keep his "threats" to a limit. Sorry for the book but hope everything works out for you in the end!

[Fr_Chuck]

I will not deleted the last posts, but please, this is the "legal" forum, not the relationship one, if you want to discuss this over there, please do so also.

[single_mom]

Hi Argentina,

I haven't talked to my lawyer yet. My lawyer visit will be next Friday. I am so looking forward to talk to my lawyer because I would like to find out my options. I will keep you posted in case you are interested in knowing (I'll ask more legal advice to how to prepare for a custody lawsuit)

[single_mom]

Hi Argentina74,

I think you probably already give birth to your baby when I type you this message. Congratulations! :)

Well, I have finally made it to consult my lawyer last Friday. Here are something important to know. I.e. the judge will give custody most of the time base on the visiting pattern and involvement of each parents to the child. In order for the father to get the join custody with you, he will have to spend 20-30% of time with the child. The judge will look at the visitation logs. Also, the time while baby sleep counts too. So, it is very important to do the vistation logs and make sure you count the time. One suggestion is to make the father to give you a call when he arrives your house, this way will make your case stronger. i.e. you really have the evidence of his visits (the court can check the call logs). For my case, the father visit 2-3 times a week and each time about 20-40 minutes each. e.g. each week he visit for 1.5 hour, so he spend less than 1% of time with the baby. So, the chance is, the judge will grand me the primary custody.

But also there is saying (from the lawyer) that if you disallow the father to visit the baby, you will look bad to the judge. In an other word, you will need to allow visitation liberally in case he accuse you for not allowing for visit.

You have a boy too right! This is one down point. The judge make determination base on the interest of child. Sometimes father is in a better position if the child is a boy, especially when the child is older.

Base on what I learned from the lawyer, the judge might not looking so much factor. I told my lawyer that I have very good parenting plans, I signed up for baby classes and already sign up for a good private pre-school for the baby. The lawyer told me that the judge might not look at that. After alll, I think the judge will only look at a several factors (very basic ones) in order to make the decision. I think it's good to know and good to share with you. Also if he offer you child support unofficially, just take it! Refusing it won't make you at a better position at the court! Take the $! (even u don't need, but more the better! :) you can use this $ against him for the lawsuit).

About international relocation, I will still have to find an other lawyer who is specialized in the Hague Convention.

[liz28]

I live in NY as well and it's fraud if you don't have the father name on the birth certificate. Otherwise, I'd not have been able to get a passport for my daughter nor a driver lincese, job for myself. Neither one of us have our father name on our birth certificate. Also, I ask my friend who works in Manhattan family court and she said she never heard of such a thing. Even the person stated this gave the wrong information or needs to clarify and shows where in the law states this, otherwise, their giving false information.

[JudyKayTee]

Hi Argentina74,

I think you probably already give birth to your baby when I type you this message. Congratulations! :)

Well, I have finally made it to consult my lawyer last Friday. Here are something important to know. I.e. the judge will give custody most of the time base on the visiting pattern and involvement of each parents to the child. In order for the father to get the join custody with you, he will have to spend 20-30% of time with the child. The judge will look at the visitation logs. Also, the time while baby sleep counts too. So, it is very important to do the vistation logs and make sure you count the time. One suggestion is to make the father to give you a call when he arrives your house, this way will make your case stronger. i.e. you really have the evidence of his visits (the court can check the call logs). For my case, the father visit 2-3 times a week and each time about 20-40 minutes each. e.g. each week he visit for 1.5 hour, so he spend less than 1% of time with the baby. So, the chance is, the judge will grand me the primary custody.

But also there is saying (from the lawyer) that if you disallow the father to visit the baby, you will look bad to the judge. In an other word, you will need to allow visitation liberally in case he accuse you for not allowing for visit.

You have a boy too right! This is one down point. The judge make determination base on the interest of child. Sometimes father is in a better position if the child is a boy, especially when the child is older.

Base on what I learned from the lawyer, the judge might not looking so much factor. I told my lawyer that I have very good parenting plans, I signed up for baby classes and already sign up for a good private pre-school for the baby. The lawyer told me that the judge might not look at that. After alll, I think the judge will only look at a several factors (very basic ones) in order to make the decision. I think it's good to know and good to share with you. Also if he offer you child support unofficially, just take it! Refusing it won't make you at a better position at the court! Take the $! (even u don't need, but more the better! :) you can use this $ against him for the lawsuit).

About international relocation, I will still have to find an other lawyer who is specialized in the Hague Convention.

What State are you in? I never heard any advice even close to what you have posted - again, what State?

The part about the father being favored in custody hearings if the child is a boy is preposterous.

[JudyKayTee]

I live in NY as well and it's fraud if you don't have the father name on the birth certificate. Otherwise, I'd not have been able to get a passport for my daughter nor a driver lincese, job for myself. Neither one of us have our father name on our birth certificate. Also, I ask my friend who works in Manhattan family court and she said she never heard of such a thing. Even the person stated this gave the wrong information or needs to clarify and shows where in the law states this, otherwise, their giving false information.

I don't know what answer you are addressing - when you said she "never heard of such a thing," what are you talking about?

I do believe - and I'm also in NYS - that if you put "father unknown" in NYS and you know who the father is you are committing fraud. You are lying on a legal document. Obviously if you ever apply for any sort of Government benefits, even on a temporary basis, for the child you could have a problem.

Is it ever enforced? I really don't know - seems that the father who doesn't want to pay support anyway isn't going to push things. But, again, I don't know if anyone actually reviews these things and cares.

[JudyKayTee]

First, I'd like to to know when I ever challenge you? You must have me confused with someone else. All because I response to your response to mine, now there is a problem. Hmmm! Secondly, it doesn't matter what legal advise you give, are you a lawyer? Otherwise, like you, my friend works in the legal system. I guess whatever you said or believe in veto anyone else. I do agree it's always best to contact a lawyer for any legal advice.

I don't know how many years of law school your friend has but if she is giving out legal advice - which she appears to be doing - in NYS she is breaking the law, unless, of course she is admitted to the Bar. And perhaps she is -

She is foolish indeed if she is making statements that the law says this or the law says that without actually quoting the law - opinion is one thing, advice is another.

I have no idea what "I guess whatever you said or believe in veto anyone else" means.

[Fr_Chuck]

Thread closed, I am not sure what question about 1/2 of you are answering but it sure does not seem to be the same one.