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Tactvic · Aug 6, 2008, 06:13 AM

Hello I have been engaged for 8 months and I love my fiancé dearly however I've found myself in a situation I don't know how to deal with. My fiancé has told me before that she feels I am not as sensitive as she needs me to be aka Cuddling Kissing etc. I have recently found out that she has been finding console in another man. I happen to know this man through friends and when things got to close for comfort he told me what was going on. He and she both claim nothing physical happened. I am torn apart and don't know if I could ever trust her again for this is the second time this has happened. (The first was when we were dating and I caught her on the phone with an old boyfriend and smashed her phone). Is this someone crying for my attention or is she a cheating . I really don't have many people to turn to so your input would be a help preferably a woman's perspective,because being a man I just want to blow up both of their cars. Thanks people.

NowWhat · Aug 6, 2008, 06:50 AM

Well, I don't think I would blow up anybody's car. It just would not be worth it!

I would, however, put any wedding plans on hold. She is tellng you that she is not getting what she needs from you. And rather than working it out with you, she is finding comfort elsewhere. That is a big problem.

What exactly is she getting from this other man? What exactly is going on?

Sarah48375 · Aug 6, 2008, 07:00 AM

In my opinion it could be both. There is no good excuse for cheating. There will be times in every relationship when one or the other spouse will be busy and unable to give a large amount of attention to their spouse. Is she going to look to someone else every time times get rough? Life gets in the way some times. Are you going to have to worry about her whenever life gives you lemons? This is a pattern of behavior. I think that if you two want you relationship to work, you need to d some couple counseling.

Tactvic · Aug 6, 2008, 07:53 AM

Ok she said he was just talking to him and he was nice and he listened. Although he told me she called many times to hang out, go to the beach and when he felt uncomfortable with the way she was coming on he let me know.

NowWhat · Aug 6, 2008, 07:59 AM

So basically, she is pursuing him? I would say by him calling you - he doesn't want any part of something on the side with her.

What do you want out of this relationship? Do you see yourself with her in 50 years? Are those years good ones?

She has cheated in the past. Not a great way to start a relationship. Would take a step back. Slow things down A lot. Like postpone the wedding. It doesn't sound like SHE is ready for that kind of a commitment. And it sounds like you don't trust her. And she has given you reasons not to.
That is a BAD way to start a marriage. Things don't get easier when you get married. They get HARDER. Trust me, I know. I have survived an affair. It is not fun. Not a place I would ever want another person to be.
Marriage, on a good day, is hard work. It gets messy and dirty. If you are having questions NOW and you aren't married... what happens when you are?

N0help4u · Aug 6, 2008, 08:17 AM

She could very well feel that you were not being sensitive enough and compassionate enough that she felt 'pushed' into seeking attention from another guy BUT that by no means makes it right. That doesn't mean that is not how she would solve her problems anytime she feels neglected, misunderstood or hurt by you. It very well could be a pattern so I would not trust it to a one or two time thing. She needs to see there are consequences and if you just leave it go then she will keep doing it every time things don't go the way she feels they should be

Tactvic · Aug 6, 2008, 08:50 AM

What type of consequences can I hold her to. I really feel like there isn't much that would make me feel better about it. It is just crazy because I couldn't be happier with her before this and with her on the other side of the fence makes me feel like I am either so blind or just know nothing about women.

N0help4u · Aug 6, 2008, 09:03 AM

The only consequences she can learn from now are the ones made by her own mistakes.
Anything you do she is just going to resent and rebel. SO the only consequences she will really learn from is you tell her out, she moves with boyfriend, she finds it isn't all she thought and she realizes it is a mistake. But it could backfire too. But at this point there is NOTHING you can say or do that will get through