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Ex cheating boyfriend and enjoys contact with me but won't come back !
Hi.
Here's my breakup story which I decided to post in order to hear what the people here have to say. Cliffs : 1) Been with a very beautiful though insecure girl for 1.5 year. She was very into me from day 1 whereas, although I liked her, I was shy enough to hold back my feelings, making her feel I didn't care about her (which was a wrong assumption). 2) She broke up with me 2 months ago. I tried to take her back after 1 week of NC, she told me she was with another guy who she wasn't having feelings for, however he does EVERYTHING she asks. Makes her feel like the most important person in the world (she is actually treating him like a puppy.. go there, do that... AND HE DOES!! ), and she hopes that along the way feelings for him would come. 3) I was having frequent contact with her (and sex a few times) since then, she cried almost every time she met me, but she refused to let the other guy go because she felt things with us would not change and we would again break up after a few months. 4) She would contact me when she was alone but I couldn't contact her whenever I wanted because she was with the other guy. I couldn't take that anymore and after numerous attempts (diamond ring included i.e no fear of commitment) of showing her I REALLY care about her and see her seriously in my life, she didn't change her mind so I asked her for NC. 5) Now on day 4 of NC, don't plan on contacting her anymore but don't know what to do if she contacts me. I still want and love her a lot... ... 6) Profit ? Anyway, read along, it's an interesting story... I was with a girl for 1,5 years. For her it was love at first sight. From the very first moment she showed me she was 100% into me… She looked me in the eyes and I could see she was carried away. Never before have I seen a girl look at me this way… She is extremely beautiful and I liked her a lot, however it took me quite some time before I could show it to her. To be honest, I was quite indifferent at the beginning, at least that’s what she thought. She is extremely insecure. The first time we went out as a couple she told me “what are you doing with me ? you could have any girl you want, girls much better than me”. And believe me, she’s the kind of girl that could date any person she wanted and should not be insecure at all ! Anyway, her previous relationships were extremely jealous of her, didn’t let her go out on her own, they didn’t go anywhere without her… I was the extreme opposite. Straight from the beginning I would continue to go out with friends 2-3 times per week without her and of course encouraged her to do the same if she wanted. She wasn’t complaining… I moved in at her home. We made dreams to start a family, have kids, spend the rest of our lives together. (I am 26 she is 20-21). I met her mother (not her father, I’m shy like that) she met mine, we were happier than ever. At least that’s what I thought… Time went by and about 7 months into the relationship she snapped. Told me that during our relationship there were numerous nights when I went out with friends that she stayed crying at home, sometimes inflicting self-injuries, without telling me, for fear she would lose me… She complained that I hid her from everyone, didn’t share much of my life with her and that I wasn’t proud of her (god forbid, she was the most beautiful woman I ever dated and was EXTREMELY proud of her, it’s just that I am a bit shy as a person and do not express my feelings that easy). I explained that I could try and change things, go out less frequently with my friends and also offered to take her with me anytime she wanted. I did so, went out with friends only once or twice every two weeks, but after a few months she started complaining again for the very same reason. From then on, things went downhill… I moved out of her house and returned to mine, we would argue and break up once every month, however I always chased her back and she returned. I was starting to feel very weird in the relationship however I couldn’t let go because I loved her so much… Because of work, last May I had to move out to another city, which of course is only 1 hour away, and need to stay there until February 2009. She told me that if I didn’t make a serious commitment when I got back she would break up with me. I became a bit “cold inside” when she told me that. It’s not that I didn’t want it, it’s that I don’t like deadlines in such a serious matter. And I told her so. Anyway, things were cold between us from then on, we stopped having sex (I turned her down every time she tried) and finally we broke up 1 week after I changed cities, for the same reasons that came up in the past (she felt I didn’t care enough about her and I only care about myself and my friends). I called her after 1 week of NC and tried to make things up. She told me she was with another guy, younger than her (until then she had promised herself that she would only date older men) who was crazy for her and gave her everything that she wanted. He didn’t let her move a muscle, she kept bringing her whatever she requested (food, gifts e.t.c.) whenever she requested it, kept spending tons of money for her and made her feel comfortable because “he’s not as smart as you are and thus I feel smarter than him when we are together” and “I can make him do whatever I want, I just have to ask and he will do it without second thoughts”. Anyway, I decided to move on with my life and within the next two weeks I slept with a few women in order to get over my ex (they all knew that it was just sex and nothing more), but nothing could make me stop thinking of her. I contacted her again and she agreed to go out for lunch with me. We ended up having sex at my place and her telling me that “I knew you would make me want you if I saw you again, but we can’t be together”. I let her go. (Of course, weeks later she told me that she would have definitely come back to me if I had insisted more that time at my house). One week after that we met again, she came to my place for 3 days, saw that I had indeed changed, we slept together again and that time she was half a step from calling the guy she was with to tell him to break up. I told her not to do so because I didn’t want her to regret it afterwards (I now regret doing that of course!! ). She told me she would think about it and let me know her decision within the week… She went back to her place and, for the next couple days, she kept spending time with the other guy, however when he would leave, she would immediately call me (2 am – 3 am) or catch me up on MSN and we would talk for hours, talking to me like we were together. Suddenly, on the 4th day she stopped calling. It was their 1 month anniversary the previous night and, of course, the way they spent it must have changed something in her or made her feel guilty. I contacted her and she told me that she decided to stay with the other guy because, although she was not yet in love with him, she was getting everything she wanted, she couldn’t believe in us anymore and she thought that, if we got back, things would be the same after a couple of months. I put much pressure on her to come to my home for one last time, she did, and she just told me that her decision was final. I returned her home and when saying goodbye, I cried for the first time in 1.5 years. No begging, no nothing, just couldn’t believe I had lost her. She cried with me and told me that, if I wanted, I could join her the very next day when she was baptizing a child. Unfortunately, I was too shy to go. When I told her I wouldn’t go, she asked the other guy, who went there and met her parents, as her friend. Of course they knew what he really was to her. From that moment on, she was extremely different with me, emotionless. She never initiated contact but had no problem talking to me for hours, provided that the other guy wasn’t there, having phone sex with me e.t.c. however, every time I started telling her I want her back and I cared a lot about her, she told me that that conversation was very tiring for her. We met three weeks ago when he was out of town for business, had sex again but this time it was different. After it was over, you could see she was feeling guilty this time, a look she didn’t have the previous times. She told me that she had to catch a plane in a few hours to meet the other guy and go on vacation together. She asked me not to call her and told me to wait for her to call me. She went to the airport and before boarding the plane she called me (only a couple hours after we split). She told me I was extremely different and that she felt she didn’t know me at all... I rushed to the airport to stop her from leaving. She insisted that she should go and that she would be the one to call me. I kept NC for 2 days but then started calling numerous times. She couldn’t answer, she was with him the whole time, and to make matters worse he found out we were talking (not about meeting or sleeping together though) and had a big fight with her. When she returned from vacation, she called me and told me that I shouldn’t have been calling her like crazy because she was with the other guy and had decided to stay with him. I joked about me going out with another woman (wanted to make her jealous) and when she heard that, she started shouting and told me that she never wanted to see me again (whereas she was also seeing another guy) ! I told her I was joking. Again many hours speaking on the phone when she was alone, phone sex e.t.c. but didn't want to meet me, I believe for fear she would again roll back to me. I requested one last contact to give her something I always wanted. She came to my home last Wednesday and I gave her a diamond ring... Not an engagement ring but something for her to know that I see her seriously in my life and that I had no problem, when I came back in February, to commit. She cried, hugged me, started kissing me but said she couldn’t believe in us anymore. I told her to think about it and tell me as soon as she was sure. She contacted me the very next night through MSN and we chatted for a couple hours (the other guy was sleeping next to her the whole time!! ) She was very touched by the ring, said it was the most wonderful thing anyone had done for her, she cried over the phone, but she was very afraid to come back because she believed that in the long run things wouldn’t change between us and didn’t want to risk something that made her happy right now. She didn’t want to feel like a fool again. She told me she is finally starting to feel things for the other guy (after 1.5 months together!! ). She also told me that she knows it would be the best for both of us to stop talking, however she couldn’t ask it on herself because she knew she would miss me a lot. When I said goodbye she told me she loved me and said that she hoped to see me in her dreams that night!! We talked the next day for a completely different matter and when I told her I still miss her and want her back she said that she was tired of that conversation and that, if I asked her to, we could stop all kinds of contact (she wouldn’t ask it by herself). I told her I couldn’t take it anymore. I mean, she was the one freely contacting me whenever she wanted and then spend the rest of the day with the other guy, whereas, when I wanted to call her, it was impossible because she wasn’t alone. I was the one agonizing alone at home. She had a guy to go to… It was hurting me much more than her. I asked her to stop talking with me. I went NC. On day 5 of NC, my phone at home rang. I picked it up, but the other person just hung up when he/she heard my voice. Now, only my ex has my home phone number (haven't given it to anyone else) so it was either her or someone who dialed the wrong number and decided to hung up without responding at all... I tend to believe it was my ex since she did exactly the same thing the first time she thought she wouldn't hear from me at all. It's now Day 9 of NC. I’m very confused… Thoughts or opinions on this sick situation are more than welcome. Is there any chance for her to come back to me? I suspect that things will not last long with the other guy. I believe that if you are not into a guy from the beginning you can’t push yourself to like him in the long run. She just likes what he gives her right now but I believe this will fade away or she’ll get bored of a guy running after her all the time. No woman likes guys to be puppies ! Duh, let me hear what you have to say… |
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It appears you are on the right path. Continue NC, avoid sleeping with her as she does have a boyfriend and it's only hurting you in the long run. Why would you want someone back who is so quick to cheat on her boyfriend, ever think she could have cheated on you as well?
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Oh, I don't believe I will be sleeping with her anymore (damn, that hearts even writing it) because every time we slept together I was the one to initiate it.
I am now convinced to keep NC, because, although I do love sleeping with her, being unable to contact her when we are not together (and she's with the other guy) will be driving nuts. As for me being cheated, I don't think I was (of course I would be the last to find out, as it happens in such occasions). She was really into me from day 1, she wanted me like crazy, whereas with the guy she is now, she was more like... "meh, why not ?". He was just providing security and attention, which she needed so much at the time. She wasn't into him, she was into the things he did for her... At least in the beginning of their relationship, maybe things have changed a bit now. And she didn't cheat him with a random guy, but with a guy she spent 1.5 years together, made plans to start a family with and obviously still loves and cares about very much. Anyway, although I am convinced to keep NC, I don't know what I'll do if she is the one who seeks for me first. |
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 Originally Posted by hjpan
I know that cheating her boyfriend is not a very honest thing to do, but I like to justify her as being extremely insecure and still into me. When she started feeling things for the other guy (about 1.5 month into their relationship), she avoided me at all costs, for fear that, if we met again, she wouldn't be able resist and her feelings for me would come back once again. Last time we met, about 2 weeks ago, although she kissed me a few times, she refused to have sex with me... |
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As long as she is with the other guy you need to do no contact because you will always just be the other guy. If she ever misses you enough to break up with him she will let you know and you will have to decide how to proceed. Until then as the other guy NO CONTACT!
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Originally Posted by broken_arro
You slept with multiple women for your own sake... Did you feel better afterwards? No. Did you get over your ex? No. So use the brain and not the genitals.... |
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she's 20. AND this relationship was never even really a relationship.
(I think I drew up a scale one time of what one can expect from what ages. Fyi: don't expect much from someone under 21. And now that she's lowered expectations... EXPECT NADA.) dude, erase that number, that email, that IM, those digital pix... she is done. You are the big winner. I am 100% certain of this. She ain't the one!! And you are soon not even going to care anymore! doubtful? Follow NC and the list below and you will be laughing OUT LOUD in 10 weeks: erase all contacts (no cheating) no sightings no visiting no mutual friends no calls go out whether you like it or not - 2x a week every week. Watch funny movies. We made a list on here one time.. check my older posts... go on at least 2 trips... and generally stay busy... if you weaken look at my break up survival guide. This is your intervention. You are SEMI-dating a loser. Don't you become one too! |
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Ash, I believe your reply made me feel a lot better and one step closer to getting over her, although I think that you are judging her a bit too hard. That's just my opinion though and I know I cannot be objective in this matter
go out whether you like it or not - 2x a week every week. Watch funny movies. We made a list on here one time.. check my older posts... go on at least 2 trips... and generally stay busy...
if you weaken look at my break up survival guide. This is your intervention. You are SEMI-dating a loser. Don't you become one too! I have read your post-breakup survival guide (it was the first thing I did before posting), will be watching swingers today and I go out at least 3 times a week, although I still miss her when I am out and I'm not having as much fun as I should... But, believe me, I try to keep as busy as possible. Originally Posted by Ash123
BTW, how do you define lowering expectations ?
dude, erase that number, that email, that IM, those digital pix...
she is done. You are the big winner. I am 100% certain of this. She ain't the one!! And you are soon not even going to care anymore! doubtful? Follow NC and the list below and you will be laughing OUT LOUD in 10 weeks: erase all contacts (no cheating) no sightings no visiting no mutual friends no calls It's just that some days I still feel like a complete mess (nothing compared to how I used to feel 10 days before, though) |
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Originally Posted by talaniman
The sex we had was totally out of this world (we both agreed on that, even after she met the new guy) and I believe that it's the most important thing that kept us going for so long despite our problems and also kept me chasing her when she was with that other guy. (It's no surprise that we broke up when I was no longer wanting to sleep with her that often) And, honestly, sex is what might make us be together sometime in the future, if she decided to contact me. I'm not saying that sex is the only important thing in a relationship, but it's like 70%. Everything else can be worked on, if the sexual attraction and lust is there... Last time we talked (about two weeks ago) she admitted that, sexually, I am by no means indifferent to her and that's why we should stop seeing each other. She knew that if we met we would definitely have sex again and it made her feel guilty for the other guy. Actually, me knowing that sex and lust is what kept us going, made me think that NC was not an option for us, that's why I kept chasing. However, when she started refusing to meet me, that's when I drew the line and decided NC. |
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IT TAKES TIME...
IT IS THE WORST PAIN IN LIFE THAT RIVALS LOSING A LOVED ONE TO DEATH. BUT... man, I am sorry to be harsh but your "relationship" is a DISASTER. She is sleeping with other guys while sorting out things with you? She is a mess. And you need to grow up too. You all have nothing here resembling a relationship. I am not sure what her childhood was like but she has no clue how to act and runs with any emotion... and you are taking her drama seriously.. Man, you are going to be laughing at yourself one day! ... let this drama queen go before one of you catches an STD while revenge f--ing someone else... You are simply in a bad cycle that keeps repeating and your brain is waiting for the next repeat. UNTIL TODAY - cause this is the end. Man, you need to focus on your career and life. No soulmate would require this much work and sleepless nights. It's drama. Not love. If you go to the movies the lights come up afeter 2 hours and the drama is over - with her it never ends... get her back and it will just happen again. She's too young. Too insecure and too lost. And you are going in the same direction buddy. Chin up. Let's get going. |
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Originally Posted by hjpan
If I felt better afterwards ? Sure I did... For a couple days. Of course they knew that it was sex and nothing more. I am not the guy who goes around promising stuff just to get laid. I am 100% clear straight from the beginning. Did I get over my ex ? Hell no. However, it made it a lot easier for me to cope when I found out she was with another guy. I would feel x10000 worse finding out she was in a relationship, sleeping with another person, whereas I would have done nothing, waiting for her to come back... |
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Originally Posted by N0help4u
Sex can get better by the time, once two people get to know each other's "buttons" and sleep together for a few months. Whereas, she believes that a person's character cannot change, that's why she thinks the problems we had in our relationship would not be solved. I guess that's what made her unwilling to break up with the other guy, after all. |
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