[daddythrax]

To the point...

All my life I've believed that there is only that one other that would make you as happy as you could ever be in your life. So sure enough, I start looking for my other...

Here we go...

Ive been through 3 or 4 different girls, but none of them seemed to stick because of lifestyle faults, personality imperfections, misunderstandings, and just that usual "you're not the person i thought you were..." kind of thing...

Except when I met this one that seemed different from the rest; One that I felt I might actually be able to go all the way, and through the thick and thin with...

About 4 years ago I got moved to another school because of family problems, and legal complications, which I kept to myself; But anyway I was always a guy to be seen sitting by myself at a table during lunch at school. But one day a girl came over to the table where I was by myself and told me her name, and we just talked... She was the first person to ever come over to my table without caring who she was sitting next to...

So, from then on I started to meet her friends, and mess around in her little clan, actually thinking I might actually have some real friends.

About 2 years after I met her and started making friends, I start thinking back on what exactly happened to me, and started thinking I could try to start to find a person that I could trust with the story of why I moved up there and didn't have any friends in the beginning. So I started to try to get a few girlfriends, but as I said, I never found one that seemed like I could trust with the story of my life, but none seemed to be right for me...

Then I got in trouble in school with something that made me think of what the reason was that made me do something like that, and I thought of my past, and it all hit me... 15 years of never saying anything to my family, friends, or even my best friend, and I just started crying in gym class. Absolutely bawling my head of at never thinking of why I had been so scared of the truth of my past. She was the first person at my side to help me with whatever was the matter. I had been crying for a week solid, and then I talked to my dad about why I had been so upset lately, and then he told me that maybe I needed to start thinking of talking to a person, outside of this problem, that I could trust and talk to. I go back to school the next day and she's the first person to notice that I wasn't crying as badly as usual, and asks what was going on.

I then think of all the small times she had been there for me no matter what it was that was bothering me, and figure I might be able to trust her with what I had been storing up all my life, and tell her I had to talk to her about something during lunch, and she says OK... so at lunch we meet in the lunch room , and I start talking about what I had been thinking and crying about, and by the time I'm done , I've already started to feel better. Not only because I've let out all that pent-up guilt, sorrow, anger, denial, and regret; but by the fact that I believe that I've finally found the person that I think I have the feeling of true love for her...

And now I have only one problem left... I can't seem to tell myself or her that I love her... Until its too late that is; when she meets someone else and he asks her to be with him for the rest of his life... and its only then that I can start to tell her that I really love her and that I think it should be me that's by her for the rest of her life... I find that I have a few simple, insignificant reasons of why I didn't say anything to her; I felt uncomfortable with letting out who I knew I really needed to be; myself. And I didn't think I would ever be accepted among my friends again for liking someone that seemed like totally the wrong person for me...

So now I'm left with this "curse" of mine that I'll never feel like I'll ever be able to love or be loved again.


(more to it but that will come after I've been able to think about things a little more)

[Clough]

I think that you are a person that is kind of like me in the respect of that you might be putting absolutes to the relationships that you have too soon and thinking that because of a few instances of certain things occurring, and that things are going to always be the way that they seem to be because of the way that they have been in the short run of events.

Life just isn't like that.

Relationships require very open communication, time and maintenance, to mention just a few things. I think that you need to have an open dialogue with the person that you are most interested in, in order to see how things really are without having to guess about how things are or might be later.

Just my take on things here... I'm sure that there will be others who will respond to your post.

Thanks!

[jrebel7]

Hi there! Without really knowing what you were referring to that devastated you so deeply, (and I am not asking you to share any of it, please understand) it is a little difficult to understand all you are dealing with emotionally. I have questions that I feel left me falling between gaps of information.

Did the young lady ever declare personal feelings for you?
Did you ever hold her, kiss her, let her know verbally at all you had more than friendship feelings for her?
Perhaps I missed some details as I read this.

I think you dad had great advice for you to seek out a professional, whether counselor, doctor, pastor, etc. to help you through this.

One of the basic needs for you is to begin to accept who you are and know what you want from life and know you are a person worthy of being loved! I sense that you don't like yourself at all therefore did not feel worthy of voicing your feelings to this girl about how you felt toward her.

Granted, though you were having these feelings, she may have just reached out in true friendship and warmth to you, which is an admirable quality in anyone. Few people know how to be a true friend. It seems she has stood by you through a lot, supported you emotionally and given you that feeling of acceptance. She could do this because she saw in you a person worthy of being loved and cared about.

Self-love and self-esteem is something that can be difficult to achieve. I found it only through my faith being placed in God through His son Jesus Christ. Ephesians says when we do that we are "accepted in the beloved". That holds so much truth for me.

When we don't have self-acceptance, we make it a habit of closing ourselves off from people, not wanting them to see the things we see as unacceptable but the truth is, it is when we open our hearts up to others, that we become that beautiful person we are inside. Fear keeps us down. Faith lifts us up!

Clough makes some wonderful points in his post.

Please keep posting. There will be others that can help in ways I cannot. Please just know that when you begin to love yourself and open yourself up to others, that is when people will flood into your life. We have to make difficult choices. Sometimes, those choices are to seek help. You have begun that journey, and I am very proud of you.

You sound like a sensitive, loving, caring person. I see a bright future ahead of you with much love and much happiness. It may take some hard work but you can do it!!

Please keep us updated!! :) Best to you!

[talaniman]

You must love yourself enough to do the best you can to take care of yourself, and that will help with the confidence, and self esteem, it takes to deal with the rest of the world, and what life throws at you. Until you love yourself, and be happy with who you are, you will have nothing positive to share with another human being.

So what's stopping you from being happy with who you are??

[daddythrax]

To jrebel's questions...

1) not directly, which I believe to be my fault again :(

But I do think I have picked up once or twice that maybe something was going on, I was just too stupid to not think anything of it.

2) yes, but once again, it was after she got with the other guy... :'[

[jrebel7]

Thank you daddythrax for posting and sharing again.

One pattern I see is that you are so willing to take all fault in a situation upon yourself. That goes along with what I shared about not having a self love! I was hurt over and over by rejection as a child. It caused me to not feel worthy to be treated well or to be accepted or loved. As a counselor talked to me, he would mention something and I would say something like "Well, yes but I understand why they did that or said that." He stopped me in my tracks and said to me. You have been scarred over and over emotionally. It is okay to say someone did or failed to do something and it was wrong. You don't have to hang onto it but it is okay to state that they were wrong, then healing can take place.

I encourage you to find ways to accentuate in your life, the fact that you are a wonderful person who has a lot to offer someone.

All is not lost. Perhaps this girl and you may later have cause to be close again but if you don't, think of what you have learned through not speaking up, not feeling you had that freedom to do so. That very lesson may be the stepping stone you needed to cross another bridge into making your life absolutely amazing and not being so afraid next time to reach out!

Believe in yourself. When a negative thought enters your mind, cast it down and say three positive things about yourself. That may sound like a silly little exercise but it will help if you do it with strong intent in your heart to be more than you have allowed yourself to be!

Please read your third sentence in your last post addressing my questions. You say "I was just too stupid to not think anything of it." Please begin to notice every negative thought or sentence you say about yourself. I think you may notice that you say these things more often than you realize. You do not deserve that daddythrax. Each of us deserve the best life has to offer. But it is our responsibility to make it happen. We can sit and hope someone does nice things for us or comes to us and sometimes they do, but I believe we must be proactive in our life. Please give this some thought. I want the best for your life. :)

Please keep us posted!

[daddythrax]

Well, I guess you are right... ill try thinking about all this and try that out...

I might not post as much as I might want too, but don't worry, this is not the last of me you've read from...

And thank you so much for helping me out!!

[jrebel7]

Why would you not post as much as you might want to? I hope I have not made you feel you cannot share any and everything you feel. That is why we are here on this site. Everything each of us write will help someone else at some point, in some way! There are so many warm people on this site. You will hear from many more who will have more insight than I do. Just keep your eye on the threads and you will be surprised how much encouragement you will receive! Take care!

[Romefalls19]

Be happy with who you are, don't change for anyone else but yourself

[Chery]

You've gotten some great advice here dear. And we all think that you should start working on yourself, with or without help - just as your Dad suggested.

It is special... because she helped you to finally open up. But you also have to realize that you would not have opened up unless you were ready to and it was just too much for you to keep to yourself any longer. She might be the one, but then again she might not be the one to think of as 'the girl'. She might be aware of the vibes you sent, but it could be the start of a great friendship too, instead of the 'forever' bit. That's what friends are for, to help each other and notice when something is amiss. So, don't jump into something too soon because you got a little relief from your past issue. You still have that issue and it's not completely finished yet.. and your life will go on with a little less stress though her help.

As has been said, like yourself, work on yourself and then you will be able to share this new person with others.

Don't just focus on her and her activities to distract yourself and start a new crisis.. That's not the point in recuperating from your past. You need to focus on YOU first, and once that is done, you'll feel more alive, so please don't look at her as if she is the only straw for you to hold on to... that would be unfair to her. Don't trade one crisis for another.

Good luck dear, and keep in touch

[jrebel7]

Chery, loved the way you addressed his initial question! I tried to "Rate this Answer" but it wouldn't allow at this time. Great insight Chery.

[daddythrax]

Sorry about the delay...

But it seemed like they were breaking apart, so I wanted to spend even more time with her to show that even if he wasn't there for her, that I was and that I always will be...

But that didn't work because he came to see her and it seems like she has forgotten that I was even over there at all, making me more determined to find a big enough flaw to make snap between them...

I feel horible about trying to do so much to ruin what's between them, but it seems as if I have no power over anything at all...

Hope to hear from you all again!

[N0help4u]

You have to get you together and let others see you grow. Just because she was compassionate doesn't mean she was IN love or interested in a relationship. Focus on you and in time things will work out the way they are meant to be. Work on getting over things in your past and how to heal from the hurts they left you. Don't read too much into things but don't ignore things either work on your problems to resolve them and move forward.

[Chery]

sorry about the delay...

but it seemed like they were breaking apart, so i wanted to spend even more time with her to show that even if he wasnt there for her, that i was and that i always will be...

but that didnt work because he came to see her and it seems like she has forgotten that i was even over there at all, making me more determined to find a big enough flaw to make snap between them...

i feel horible about trying to do so much to ruin whats between them, but it seems as if i have no power over anything at all...

hope to hear from you all again!

Instead of wasting time on trying to influence others and feeling horrible afterwards, please spend the time to work on yourself. If you were a good friend of someone just exactly like you, what would you suggest? Take a serious look at reality and set yourself some goals that you can easily reach without stressing yourself or anyone else out. You don't need the added frustration.

Relax and please don't be in such a hurry to grab at other people's emotions. Find some friends and build relationships that you can call your own.

Stay with us, and good luck.

[talaniman]

You have no control over the thoughts, actions, or feelings of others, so let it go, and get some control over yourself, and your life.

It should be obvious your wasting your time and energy, over something you can never have, no matter what you do.

[daddythrax]

Thanks for the great advice, but there is still the feeling that I need to be with her to make sure she is happy... I have met and gotten to know him and to be honest, he seems like the kind of guy that would hold his emotions in even longer, then really snap in 10 years...
I love her and I don't want anything bad to happen to her, however so slightly from anyone...

He has done a lot of things to make her very angry and sad. Even a few times to the extent of making her want to commit suicide... that's another place where I stepped in...
And maybe I'm not the one to say anything, but there have been very many times where he hasn't been there for her, shut her out of his life, or ignored her... I was there for her then also... and only when she tels him about me being there for her does he start to pick up his act... for however short a time it may be, she still falls for him in the rebound later...

Thanks guys!

[jrebel7]

thanks for the great advice, but there is still the feeling that i need to be with her to make sure she is happy... i have met and gotten to know him and to be honest, he seems like the kind of guy that would hold his emotions in even longer, then really snap in 10 years...
i love her and i dont want anything bad to happen to her, however so slightly from anyone...

he has done a lot of things to make her very angry and sad. even a few times to the extent of making her want to comit suicide... thats another place where i stepped in...
and maybe im not the one to say anything, but there have been very many times where he hasnt been there for her, shut her out of his life, or ignored her... i was there for her then also... and only when she tels him about me being there for her does he start to pick up his act... for however short a time it may be, she still falls for him in the rebound later...

thanks guys!

Hi there! You signature line:


you are the only possible obstacle in your way to doing what is impossible...

Pretty well sums up your own answer to your posts.

From this post, you seem obsessed with winning this girls affections over the other guy. Perhaps if you just back away from the situation a little bit, you will gain some clarity. Always being there to pick up the pieces when this guy hurts your friend, only serves to get her back on her feet emotionally to go back for more from him. I am not saying to stop being her friend but just allow her space to make her own mistakes, come to grips with what the guy is doing to her and let her make her own mind up to tell him to hit the road. Maybe her clarity will come if you are not always there for her when she is hurting. (Please do not misunderstand... I am not saying if you need to step in and help in the case of her being suicidal not to do that. Of course, you would want to be there for her but you might reach out to some of her other friends to help in that matter as well. I am also not saying to stop being supportive.) You are not just being a safety net for her but you are being her pacifier and enabler. She is a warm and loving person from what you say. Give her a chance to see that you are also. Sometimes, withdrawing a little is what wakes someone up to how much a person means to them.

I am not saying do this to win her affections. I am saying to do this so she can make her mistakes, make some decisions, while you are not putting everything on the line for this one person. It is not up to you to protect her from hurts. It is up to her. You are not protecting yourself from hurts and until you learn to do that, it will be more difficult to be there for others. It sounds a little bit like she is using you to get this guy to straighten up and fly right so to speak. That doesn't last then it happens again and again... he acts bad, she gets hurt, you pick up the pieces, she tells him, he comes around and back to square one. You are once again on the outside looking in.

It is difficult to step back because you probably fear if you do, you won't have any place in her life. If that is the case, what have you lost?

[daddythrax]

Thank you so much guys... you are all friends in my book... you all have helped me see into the problem so much better... thank you for giving me such insight...

But one more question...

Do you guys think it would be a bad thing to withdraw all my feelings for her to make her see how much we meant to each other? But still being there if she really needed me?

[talaniman]

but still being there if she really needed me?

For your own good, disappear from her life as the attraction you have is not doing either you nor her any good, and is enabling her to put up with some very bad behavior.

As hard as it is, the best course is to let her see for herself where her actions lead, and you stop enabling her, by helping her continue o her path that is unhealthy.

It hurts when we can't help someone, but its dangerous when we are actually helping them do bad, and you are. Everyone is telling you to take a healthier position in this matter, and until you d,o you will be spinning your wheels, with trying to help someone who will never appreciate you the way you want her to.

This is about loving yourself enough to make some healthier decisions for yourself, and you must more than back off, its time to leave it alone, for as you see your actions so far, haven't help you or her, have they??

[daddythrax]

F haven't been on in a long time so I just got to read what was sent...
Within the time I was gone, it seems I have been doing what you guys were saying without the need to read it... but thank you for the effort, because it helps me see even more clearly that I have made a move in the right direction, and I am getting more places now than I was before...

My love goes to all that have tried and helped me get control over myself and on my feet!