[rockerchick_682]

Just... ugh. Every once in a while life just sucks. Everythings going fine and then I make a stupid mistake! I can never find the right balance. I either explode in anger or in tears. As hard as I try to let things go, I can't sometimes. I've been trying so hard to make my life the way everyone else wants to see it that I don't know what I want anymore. One minute I'll be sane and make the right decisions and the next it's just wrong.

I guess my question is, does anyone else feel this way?

Another situation- my mom. She spends the majority of her time playing an online rpg game (Everquest). She'll stay up till two o'clock in the morning playing it and then is late to work the next day. Every time I ask to spend time with her (don't live with her) she says she has to play the game, like some quest, or that she's tired because she spent too much time playing it the night before. She has these "boyfriends" from the game that she talks to pretty frequently. Recently she came back from Las Vegas and instead of spending time with my brother and I, she goes to her room to talk to one of these guys. It just sucks that a game is more important to her than me. I've told her this a million times but she could care less. I don't know what to do about it. There's nothing to do.

[Clough]

Have no fear, rockerchick_682! I'm going to alert some others to your post whose advice that I am sure that you will find helpful! I think that I will also send the private message to you that I will be sending to them!

[ChihuahuaMomma]

I would highly suggest family counseling! Definitely. Perhaps an intervention for your mom. She is addicted. She needs to set aside KID time. Sit her down, and say, "Mom, I know you love your game, and you work hard and deserve down time. But me and Josh* love you, and we miss spending time with you. Can we all set aside a few hours a day to talk and spend time together?"

See how that works.

[N0help4u]

When people ask you to do things only do what you want don't let people make you feel obligated to them. Also think of how things work out in the whole scheme of things like how does what you want to do fit in to things or is it worth the time and energy. Also a lot of times I found that when you try and go ahead of things it sometimes it works against you because often some things work out better in their own time. So learn to be in the right time and place.

As far as your mom goes she is addicted to the games and nothing you say or do is going to change her unless you can really come up with something nobody seems to have thought of yet. She is putting her life into the people on the internet possibly because she feels like she doesn't have much of a life otherwise. I know that is why I end up on here a lot of times. I feel like my kids have their life now and I have nothing really. I don't know how you can get the closeness with her back short of her losing the internet. Keep trying to talk to her about how you feel and how much it hurts you that she is in her own world and excluding you. She needs to realize just like in the Cat's in the Cradle song that one day she will WANT to be a part of your life again and you just may be too busy with yours.

[jrebel7]

Hey there Rockerchick!

I am so glad you shared your struggles here on the site because it will allow you to realize as you read others answers to your post, that you are extremely normal!! Everyone in this world goes through times we feel confused, or feel we fail all to often or feel explosive or teary. Sometimes, these feelings are caused by the fluctuation in hormone levels. Sometimes you probably feel you can take on the world in a very mature way and at other times, feel you just want to hide in the back of your closet with your pillow and blanket. Well, you may not, but sometimes, I still do! LOL I am being very serious though when I say what you are feeling is not because of anything lacking in you. We are each unique individuals who have much to offer in this life.

We tend to look at others around us and think they have it "altogether" so to speak but please know, everyone goes through ups and downs, times of feeling a bit lost, and times of extreme happiness or unhappiness, feelings of success and feelings of failure. So please just know, you are not alone in what you are going through. Chances are, if you share this with your best friend or friends, they would tell you they go through the same feelings. There is always one though who never wants others to see their weak moments so will say, "No, I never feel that way." I have lived toooooo long, not to know that every one goes through some of what you have shared.

If you need to, post anytime and ask any questions you have if you don't have others to ask. We will be here for you the best we can.

Your mother is disappearing into a world that makes her feel safe and accepted. Sometimes we need that from people who we will never meet or from people we feel won't judge us. There is nothing wrong with having "virtual" friends unless it does, as it has done here, take us away from the "real world" and those who love us and need our time. What she is doing is wrong! She is failing in her responsibility as your mother by not meeting your emotional needs. One suggestion I have is to sit down and write a letter to her. I would begin on a positive note but also explain how this makes you and your brother feel. Tell her of your desire to spend time with her, sharing what is going on in your lives, and needing her input into your lives as your mother. I would mail the letter to her. Perhaps if she sees your words in writing, it will have more of an impact. Pour your heart out in the letter but of course, be respectful. Keep in touch here and let us know what happens. I am sure others will be posting with other ideas that will help. Best to you!

[N0help4u]

Chery agrees: Mom might not know how to cope with her life either, age does not matter when something is out of balance. Communication and maybe outside help might do the trick.

Exactly. That is what I am going through myself. I love my kids and all but at the same time I feel like alone in a crowd and afraid of the hurts

[Chery]

Hi dear,

I too want to include my support to you here. I don't have much to add at present, except maybe the suggestion that you print this thread out and let your mom read it.. It might open her eyes if she is not into 'talking' right now.

She is probably unaware of her 'role' at this time of your life. Maybe she did not get much support at your age herself, or is just plain scared of being a mother of an almost 'grown-up', and could feel inadequate. No mother is ever born perfect, and neither are children, but we can try and work at it if and when we are ready to admit our shortcomings, so give your mom as many messages as you think are necessary to let her know that you need a signal from her and that you need her to be there in 'reality'.

This is not a burden that you should take on all by yourself, as you too are growing and trying to find your identity in this world.. so don't feel too proud to ask for help, either here or at school, or other family members and friends.

As jrebel7 said, every one of us goes through these growing pains in life, it's a process that helps us discover who we are and what we want for our future.. trial and error type learning and experiencing - and when we have decided this is where we want to keep growing, and learning - there is always a possibility that these plans can be changed again and again. So, there is no set pattern on how to be a grown up or a set emotional pattern in life. That's why we are given the intelligence to communicate and question things in life - it's what makes us human.

Stay with us dear, and we will help as much as we can on our part... for you and your brother.

[ordinaryguy]

Rocker--
You've gotten some really kind and caring suggestions here, and I can't add much. I would just say first, get help for yourself in managing and releasing your anger, and second, try to have compassion for your mother in spite of (even because of) her obvious shortcomings. You may or may not be able to help her, but you certainly can help yourself, so make that your first priority.

[Choux]

Hi RC,

Sounds like your mother is ditching her unhappy life by escaping into the internet fantasy world.

There is nothing much you can do unless you get the support of your father(do you live with him?)and having him discuss your brother's(is he a minor?) distress at not having her in his life. You can always go to your mother and tell her how much you love her, and how you want to start over having a healthy mother-daughter relationship... show some real honest emotion and love...

Now, you are 18 and can make your own life... and you have to make good decisions in order to make a happy life for yourself... going to college?. getting a full time job?. hobbies?. sports?. friends?. all the stuff that makes for an enjoyable, fun life.

I would recommend going to school to become some kind of nurse, an LPN?. maybe not an RN at this point, but work in the health care industry where you can make some money throughout your life.

YOur mother will be joyful when she sees you making a great life for yourself. :)

[Chery]

Chery agrees: Mom might not know how to cope with her life either, age does not matter when something is out of balance. Communication and maybe outside help might do the trick.

Exactly. That is what I am going through myself. I love my kids and all but at the same time I feel like alone in a crowd and afraid of the hurts

Honey, don't feel alone.
Fear of the hurts is something a mother always will have, even if she does not show it.
My daughter is in her 30's now, and a mother of a 2 yr old herself - so she is just starting as a mother.
As a daughter, her fears are centered on my life right now because I will not be on this earth much longer and that naturally worries her.
But, life has to go on, we have to accept our fears and deal with them one at a time or we'd go nuts. The thing is to try and put our life in perspective and take control over the things we can instead of dwelling on the things we cannot control. That's what's important - we have to plan for our futures no matter how many 'fears' crop up.
It's OK to admit to anger, frustration, and vent... then it's time to accept and go on as best as we can without letting those fears take over and ruining our outlook and plans more than necessary. That's just a fact of life all we humans have to deal with.

So, let's keep on communicating and venting, and then support each other in trying to find the balance.

Lots of Virtual Hugs to you and yours, dear.

[AKaeTrue]

Just...ugh. Every once in a while life just sucks. Everythings going fine and then I make a stupid mistake! I can never find the right balance. I either explode in anger or in tears. As hard as I try to let things go, I can't sometimes. I've been trying so hard to make my life the way everyone else wants to see it that I don't know what I want anymore. One minute I'll be sane and make the right decisions and the next it's just wrong.

I guess my question is, does anyone else feel this way?

Another situation- my mom. She spends the majority of her time playing an online rpg game (Everquest). She'll stay up till two o'clock in the morning playing it and then is late to work the next day. Everytime I ask to spend time with her (don't live with her) she says she has to play the game, like some quest, or that she's tired because she spent too much time playing it the night before. She has these "boyfriends" from the game that she talks to pretty frequently. Recently she came back from Las Vegas and instead of spending time with my brother and I, she goes to her room to talk to one of these guys. It just sucks that a game is more important to her than me. I've told her this a million times but she could care less. I don't know what to do about it. There's nothing to do.

It's perfectly normal to experience the emotions you describe.
It's no fun to make mistakes but on the positive side,
It happens to everyone and it's the way we are most likely to learn.

I'm very sorry for the situation you are in with your mother.
I give you credit for your efforts in telling her how you feel and for expressing your desire of wanting to spend time with her.

If spilling your heart out to your mother has not made her realize that SHE'S missing out and you are repeatedly disappointed over her lack of interest,
Then it's my opinion that you should channel that energy in a more positive direction.

Put all that time and energy wasted on other people to good use
And focus on yourself and your future.
Maybe your mother will come around one of these days, and maybe she won't.
Please try not to let your mothers short comings hold you back.
If you take care of yourself first and foremost, you won't have sat
Around waiting for everyone else to move... you will have made something out of yourself and your life... which makes it a lot easier to forgive and accept
Others for their wrong doings in the future...

Your mothers behavior is in NO way right or acceptable, I'm only suggesting you not allow this bad behavior to influence your life in a negative way.

Best wishes

[rockerchick_682]

Wow thank you all. It's so nice to know that there are still people out there that can be so helpful and caring to someone they hardly know.

ChihuahuaMomma, about the counseling, I have talked to my mother's therapist with her there. We both made promises that we never kept. It felt like we were sitting there saying well you didn't do that so I didn't feel that I should live up to my promise. I don't think that she treats me my age, so she doesn't expect any maturity from me, so it's hard to be mature when I'm being treated like a child. When I get my head together I'll go sit down and talk to her abouts what's bugging me, but she doesn't seem to care or believe that my feelings are called for. I think it's time that I ask if we can go again because we can't work it out on our own, thank you!

N0help4u, I've spent a lot of time deciding who I want to spend my time with and what I want to do. Your response made me think that I'm thinking about all the things that my mom has done to hurt me, and she's thinking the same thing, so we're both so involved in ourselves that we're not getting anywhere.

jrebel7, you're exactly right. I look at everyone else and I wonder why I'm so crazy. I think writing a letter would be good, because then we won't get lost in an argument, I just need to figure out how to say things without coming off as selfish or hurtful. From a mother's viewpoint (to everyone), what would you want your child to say to you?

Chery- I think I will print this out, I'm just a little afraid that she'll take it as an insult. When you said that we need to learn to accept our fears, I realized that it's something I really need to work on. I always assume what I'm feeling is wrong, and try to forget it. Thank you, virtual hugs back.

ordinaryguy- I do have anger that I need to get out. The only way I have so far is to go run on the treadmill, do you have any suggestions?

Choux- it's kind of funny that you said that. The college I'm going to specializes in nursing, but I'm actually going into pre-pharmacy. I'm moving into the dorms this month, which probably adds to everything because I'm nervous and excited. I do live with my dad and I love him more than anything in the world. He's been here for me so much, and has taught me many things that I need to be successful and independent. Maybe when my mom sees me as more mature then we can talk things through. I volunteer a lot and I'm really sad because I'll have to leave soon. I'll be in college and I won't have a way to get there. Maybe I'll look into taking the bus there.

AKaeTrue- "Your mothers behavior is in NO way right or acceptable, I'm only suggesting you not allow this bad behavior to influence your life in a negative way." She always says that it's her hobby and everyone has hobbies so I have no right to tell her to stop. I point out that I just want her to limit her time on it so she's not always so tired. Thank you for saying that, I felt like I was alone in thinking what she was doing was wrong. I really will try to stay positive.