[sweetface]

I had a posting here a couple of weeks ago, about my boyfriend cheating on me, and we decided to try and work things out. It is very difficult for me to move past the fact that he cheated and I constantly find myself bringing it up daily. This is starting to aggravate him, and make me more resentful. Last night, I bought it up again, and told him that I feel like I am second and I know that he is still talking to this girl. At first he decided to call it quits, and I was willing to accept that, even though it hurt. Then we talked some more, and I told him I have no more fight in me. He asked me again if this is what I wanted, but he initiated it. I know why though. It is very hard for me to get over this situation. This happened in early February, so it is still fresh for him and me. Should I call it quits, and move on with my life. Or continue to fight, and pray and stick by him. Not making excuses for him, he is a truly good person, who made a mistake, and I have forgiven him, but it is truly hard to forget:(

[jc105]

You HAVE to trust him. But it's a tough situation to give advice on. Most people won't let something like that go. Its on you. Sorry.

[Wildcat21]

Well, I always say... once a cheater, always a cheater. I have yet to see a cheater stop - no one has shown me one who will stop - they have gene in them that does not allow them to feel guilty - they are very selfish people. 'What's in it for me'.

Personally - I'd move on - it's IMPOSSIBLE to get back together once there is cheating, lying, abuse.

Trust and respect are the key. You don't trust him - he certainly never and still doesn't respect you.

Many more guys out there.

Such a good person he took time out to be with someone else.

[Fr_Chuck]

If you are going to make it you will need to go to counseling and get help to work it our. But it will be hard. One thing is that you will have to stop bringing it up, but he will have to do things to help you to start trusting him also

[Kryc]

Before you can move on one thing you have to do is forgive him. Then and only then will you be able to work things out. He has broken your trust and must earn in back. That take time and patience.

[sweetface]

Well last night we decided to give each other "space", but it was my idea. I have some personal issues going on at home, and I really do believe this is causing is what is causing our constant arguing, along with the fact that he cheated. To be perfectly honest with you, the cheating was bad, but I have been through a lot worse in relationships, and I have gotten out of them. This is different, I am older now, and more mature. However, I believe now after sleeping on it, I have made a mistake. Because of everything that is going on in my home life, I find myself needing him. Maybe I should just give us, some space and stop trying to force

[fredg]

Hi,
You didn't mention your age, but did say you "are older now".
I am 64, married for 29 yrs.
I have never cheated on my wife, and never will.
Forgiveness is up to each person, and if you find you can't, meaning you still think about all the time, then maybe it's time to move on. Forgetting it, giving him another chance, is different. It's the "forgetting" part that's important.
If you can't forget it, and move on with him, then possibly you should consider moving on with someone else.
I do wish you the best, and hope it turns out OK.

[sweetface]

Thanks for the advice!! I am 32 years old. I believe that is way too old to be going through some the problems that I am going through. How have you been able to keep you marriage for some many years. My parents have been married for 33 years, and I often wonder what keeps a marriage alive for so long without straying? I was married for 5 years, but I am divorced and it was the hardest 5 years of my life.

[talaniman]

I would be ready to leave if you kept throwing up my past mistakes. You obviously haven't gotten over it yet and I can understand it takes time. Time to get over it and time for him to win your trust back. Use this break to work on yourself and deal with your own problems and let the rest take care of itself for now. It does no good to second guess yourself.:cool:

[fredg]

Hi, Sweetface,
I was married for the first time for 7 yrs, had two sons, 5 and 6, when we were divorced. After three years, re-married to my wonderful wife, as I said for 29 yrs now.
The key is "compromise" and real caring for each other, with trust, love, understanding, and telling each other every single day "I love you".
The last couple of years of my first marriage were the hardest of my life! Cause I knew where it was going, but just not want to admit or accept it.
You are still young (guess anyone is young to me, being 64 yrs old! LOL ), and have time to find the man right for you; could be your boyfriend, might not be.
Give yourself some time, take a break, and meet others. Your happiness is what is important! When you find someone just right for you, they will care about your happiness, just as I care about my wife's.
It will happen for you... been there, done that!
Best of luck.

[sweetface]

Thanks for the quick responses. I probably is best that I take some time for myself and find out what I truly want out of life. Often times I will say this to myself, and then become lonely and want to call him.

[aqua@home]

Sweetface,
Forgiveness is ultimately for the benefit of the person doing the forgiving. It allows you to let go of the hurt and not drag you down. You will never be able to forget and there's nothing wrong with that. It doesn't sound like you have really worked through this and really forgiven him. It hasn't been very long at all and this will take time. As far as you bringing it up and he getting mad, well if he wants to be with you I think he will just have to tolerate it until you are over it. He created this situation, now he must live with it. If he is not willing, then he will have to leave. If he chooses to stay and you choose to let him stay then he will have to endure your healing and whatever comes with that. That's just the way it works. Trust is something that is earned. Only you know if he will ever be able to earn that back. I hope you will get something out of this. Take care of yourself.

[Wildcat21]

Personally, if someone cheated on me - I'd be done. That person doesn't respect you...

Personaly I would never fully respect or trust that person again.

Myself, I would totally move on.

[Depressed in MO]

It is hard not to think about what they have done (when they cheated) every single day. All these questions about their relationship will go through your head constantly, you may even try to envision it. It is hard not to bring it up every single time you think about it, which is probably every other half hour. The truth is, if you are going to stay together and work things out-you really can't throw it up in his face all the time-that could even push him to do it again, or even leave the relationship for good. Now you are all on a break-which I know it is really hard because you are probably wondering what he is doing all the time... etc.-however, it really is the best thing if you can handle it as you have more time for yourselves and you can both really figure out what you really want out of the relationship moving forward. This is really the ultimate test to determine if there is really anything there worth moving forward or salvaging.
My heart goes out to you.

[sweetface]

Yes, I do wonder what he is doing, and if he is still seeing her. I know this break will make things harder for me, but at the same time, it is going to be a healing process. He told me last night that he did not want be apart if we were not going to get back together. What does that mean?!

[Depressed in MO]

He doesn't want to be apart if you are not going to get back together? What the hell DOES that mean? I'm sorry I don't know, I would straight out ask him.
Are you sure that is exactly what he said? Sounds like he is trying to play games. Don't cry to him. Obviously he knows this hurts you, but don't cry. This is hard I know, and I've been able to do it sometimes, and at other times not-but it does work to the fact that you can find out if he really cares for you or just wants to keep you hanging around because "he can".
But even if you do cry, it's OK. Just be cautious to the fact that he may use that to his advantage. I don't know the guy and everybody is different. I'm sharing past (and sometimes present) experience. And if you are crying right now, send me a pm. I will be here for you... I know how you feel
Hugs,

TJ

[milliec]

He told me last night that he did not want be apart if we were not going to get back together. What does that mean?????!!!

Right!
WHAT does that mean?
I too understand perfectly well what you're going through.
But, before adding anything to what's been already said, I'd like to know more: how did you find out? Is he telling you the truth about his present connections with the other girl-that is, did you find out through HIM that he's still in touch with her?
Maybe he's just playing with your feelings? Enjoying the fact he means SO much to you?
It's perfectly normal for you to bring up the subject evrytime you feel like doing it.
He has to bear the situation - it's not that you bring it up to make him "pay"- you're hurt, you do it because it can't be helped.
February is yesterday, maybe today, in such a situation. It DOES take much longer. Complete forgiveness in such a sort time is no real forgiveness.
In my view, YOU'RE the one who has to do the real thinking here: being a nice guy means actually nothing, to be a really nice person has to do with a lot of things, one of them is being truthful.
Divorced at 32 doesn't mean you have to get yourself into another bad relationship.
But, as I said at the beginning, the details I've mentioned are important - all the aspects and details have to be considered.
Take good care of yourself,
I hug you with all my heart,
Millie
:)

[sweetface]

I think he does know that it hurts me, but I must be firm in my choice. He said that we just need some "space" but he wanted to continue to be together. This is what makes me confused. Either we will be together and work it out, or be apart and be friends.

[sweetface]

Thanks Millie for the words of encourgement. Well I made a post previously on how I found out about the "relationship" if that is what you want to call it, he was having with this woman. (As you can tell I am still bitter) I was snooping through his cell phone bill and found her number and called her, and I asked him about it. It was wrong for me to do this, I know.

[milliec]

Dear Sweetface,
Sorry, but that thread doesn't ring a bell. Which actually doesn't matter!
Here are the things I think are very important.
In another thread, can't recall which, I already said that if someone is checking on another, there are probably unconscious alarming signs. By this I meant what we grasp things through our instincts, and for different reasons we sweep them away; sometimes we're embarrassed to admit we don't trust, other times something is implied, not expressed directly by the other one, to make us disbelieve what we might "catch from thin air" - we should always listen to our instincts - what are your "guts" telling you?
So, you have to be proud you've listened to your instincts.
Only one remark: if you NEVER trust, your instincts will be as mixed up as if you never doubt - extreme is dangerous!
Now: if he was the one who came clean, tell you all about it, if he himself was hurt because of what he has done, has shown real remorse, that's one thing. Even so forgiveness doesn't happen overnight.
But you're the one who found up -and don't let anyone make YOU fell guilt about the way you did it!
He still went on telling you lies about the further state things were, and from your last letters, I get the impression that he's playing along with your feelings! I don't want to be too hard, but could he even enjoy the fact that you're still there and hurt so much?
I wouldn't trust him any more.
Forget about forgiving..
It will be terribly painful, but it will save you from much more pain in the future.
You are much more valuable than that, and will do much better.
Try to get busy, active, spend a lot of time with friends, don't regret - I really don't think this is NOT a healthy relationship.
I hug you again, and will help if you need,
Take care,
Millie