[menu]

Need advice from anyone at this point..

I have been married for nine years, for seven years in the marriage my husband has been doing everything for every one but his family. He has left me so lonely that about a few years ago, I went to visit family and ran into an old friend. Yes a male friend. He said the right things, touched the right places and yes I had an affair, not just of the body but of the heart.

Then I went home after my visit, and things still did not change with my husband. I have told him for years of my concern of being so lonely. I have begged for attention for years. He claims he loves me but will not do anything to change the situation. I know he has never cheated.

Here's my question, the man I had an affair with say's he loves me and wants me to move with him. He makes no money, he has baggage that can supply a whole luggage store and he lies all the time. But I can honestly say I feel better with him then I have with anyone.

Then there is my husband, he works. Makes good money. Has never lied to me. He is young. Oh by the way the other guy is very old. We have a daughter in school and we have a great home.

Do I go broke and go with other man just to smile, or do I stay where I can survive and be unhappy hoping it will get better.

I have no one talk to, so any help would be great..
Thankss

[sweetface]

Umm!! Question: Have you considered counseling for you and your husband??

It would probably be best to go to counseling first, before making a hasty decision with a gentleman who is a broke liar! Maybe if you took a stand and let your husband know and be firm about it. If you show him that you are serious about your marriage, then it is best to let him know in a firm and loving manner that this is a dire situation that he must attend counseling sessions with you. On the other hand, if the other gentleman really cared about you at all, he would not lie to you. True devotion is hard to find

[phillysteakandcheese]

This sounds like jumping from one sinking ship to another.

I understand you had an adventure and found someone to pay attention to you, and you liked it, but can you honestly be happy in the long term with someone that you say “…makes no money, has baggage that can supply a whole luggage store and lies all the time…” ?

I cannot imagine how miserable you will be going from being lonely to being played.

Mind games, lies, a lifetime supply of drama … :(

That's not a move to a healthy alternative. Take the advice above... be firm and be prepared to walk away, but not to this "broke liar".

[menu]

Thank you for the advice, I guess I did forget to put in there that my husband has recently separated and went to counseling for the first time. But things are not changing with him at all. Life is still as lonely as it was at the start. But you are right, I have to give this a try. But how do you let go of the other man, even as bad as he is when he makes me feel as good as he does... :rolleyes:

[sweetface]

As my daddy would say " Nothing beats a failure, but a try"

[talaniman]

Please get counseling for yourself so you can resolve what ever issue that would make you go from a good husband that provides to being in an affair with a man who has nothing to show as far as supporting you and you child. I suspect this is not about your husband but more about you and your own expectations of what a husband is about. Please get help for yourself!:cool: :rolleyes:

[Krs]

Well sounds like this happiness with the man who had an affair with won't probably last long.
Everything at the beginning is all smiles and roses. Things change!
Especially that he is a liar more than anything, doesn't that scare you to commit to a liar? It would to me.

Seeing a marriage counselor with your husband is probably the best decission you can make at the moment, not chose between and husband who doesn't make you happy or a liar.

If it don't work out, then start a fresh on your own.
You don't need a man who is liar. Wouldn't u be wondering every time he says something you if he lying or not!
Think about it...

[Wildcat21]

Get to counseling!! Grass is ALWAYS greenier on the other side of the fence!!

People WANT what they can't have... once you're with the Old Dude - I bet $1 million that one year OR LESS you WILL be misserable!!

Plus... what happens in a few years when the old dude dies??

Get to counseling - if Hubby refuse - then move on. He also needs to understand what his distance did to you. Forget the old dude though - you rushed to his arms bevcause you couldn't have him. WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU WANT TO BE WITH A LIAR WHO HAS ALL THESE PROBLEMS??

PLUS the old Dude used you - he knew you were married. It will get ugly if you live with this guy - he's by himself for a reason.

[milliec]

Thank you for the advice, I guess I did forget to put in there that my husband has recently seperated and went to counseling for the first time. But things are not changing with him at all. Life is still as lonely as it was at the start. But you are right, I have to give this a try. But how do you let go of the other man, even as bad as he is when he makes me feel as good as he does.....:rolleyes:

Oh Dear!
It takes time to change, counselling doesn't work overnight.
You need counselling as well, and as soon as possible.
The other guy sounds like the worst possible news! Keep out, and take good care of yourself!
Milie

[brighid]

Please consider the advice given by previous posts... The "grass is always greener," "ignor the old dude," theme and pattern holds significance.

[menu]

Well here I am still needing answers. We are doing the counseling but nothing seems to be changing. He now lives next door to me and yet I still see him less and less. No different then when we were living together. He still has not tried to do anything beyond counseling. And yes I am slipping into a huge depression. I can not seem to get out of bed, I quit my job and do nothing but lay in bed and sleep for weeks. As for the other man, he is still hanging in there and claims he loves me. But he as well has not changed with his lying. I think someone hit the head on the nail with the earlier response when they said that I need counseling alone. They are right I am sure I do. Bad things happened to me personally as I grew up. From being kidnapped and raped, to losing my virginity to rape. My whole time growing up someone was always molesting me or raping me. But I figured this, I can't change what has happen to me so why ponder over it. Get over it and move on has always been the words I lived with. Now getting counseling what does a person do when they can not afford it. Where do they go. I don't know why I am slipping into this deep depression, but I do know I have no idea how to get out and what to do. Any advise out there that can help would be helpful. Thanks

[JoeCanada76]

Counselling and asking for help is the first step. As far as focusing on the past is not helping. Maybe you need to face the past head on and deal with it and learn how to let go of it. Many people live and make decisions in there life based on bad experiances in childhood. It is up to you to let your child hood keep you prisoned or release yourself from the past and learn forgiveness about the past and make positive changes for the future for the now and do not let the past ruin you and do not let it capture you anymore and try not to look back at it anymore. This is an individual decision to just learn from the past and moving forward instead of living in the past and doing nothing.

It is all about decisions and choices. Many have had tramatic or some sort of abuse when young and yes it does effect each person different but it is all about learning how to change the experience into a positive and not ever letting it happen again.

Joe

[Chery]

Well here I am still needing answers. We are doing the counseling but nothing seems to be changing. He now lives next door to me and yet I still see him less and less. No different then when we was living together. He still has not tried to do anything beyond counseling. And yes I am slipping into a huge depression. I can not seem to get out of bed, I quit my job and do nothing but lay in bed and sleep for weeks. As for the other man, he is still hanging in there and claims he loves me. But he as well has not changed with his lying. I think someone hit the head on the nail with the earlier response when they said that I need counseling alone. They are right I am sure I do. Bad things happened to me personally as I grew up. From being kidnapped and raped, to losing my virginity to rape. My whole time growing up someone was always molesting me or raping me. But I figured this, I can't change what has happen to me so why ponder over it. Get over it and move on has always been the words I lived with. Now getting counseling what does a person do when they can not afford it. Where do they go. I don't know why I am slipping into this deep depression, but I do know I have no idea how to get out and what to do. Any advise out there that can help would be helpful. Thanks

Your depression could stem from various reasons: you could feel guilty and unworthy because you made a bad choice - and might even have thought you don't deserve to be treated any better than what that old man is putting you through. You could be thinking you only deserve attention from someone who uses you, instead of someone who can take care of you.

Did you by any chance get 'prudish' on your husband throughout the marriage or after the baby - some women feel that after being abused for so long, they don't want to even think that sex can be a joy. Or, that they don't deserve it when a man feels attracted to them, but just go through life trying to be 'normal' (or your perception of normal).

Take a good look at yourself, draw a picture of what you really want... and get help in reaching that goal. You should also take a real hard look at what you want from the older man, and why. Again, a therapist can help you sort it all out. Staying in bed is not the solution because it will only get worse, make you a 'messey' and apathetic to your needs and those of your child - not to mention your future.

Dwelling in the past does not help you - but you need to sort it and yes, even get angry at what happened, then 'file' it away and go on.

Good luck, dear and hope things work out for you soon. Keep us posted.

If you love your husband and want a better life, you'll need to work on yourself - but it will be worth it. Once your husband sees that things might change, he just could consider giving it another try. Life is a give and take situation - think of the rewards...

[menu]

I have not dwelled on my past in my mind. I figured ****s happens I can not change it so why worry about it. I wonder though if I am bringing it out in some other form. Hard to say. Still wondering where would someone go to get help if they can not afford it... If your working where do you go...

[Chery]

Usually, when new psychologists try to get established, they do volunteer work in a social environment. In Germany, the Red Cross has a few psychologists and psychiatrists who do sessions for free just to get their feet in the door. I'm not sure if the American Red Cross has this program, but it can't hurt to ask. You could also check with your city hall for organizations.

One other thought, talk with your husband, tell him you need help in sorting things out and ask him if he's willing to help. This way he will also see that you are attempting to get back a stable lifestyle.

Good Luck!

[valinors_sorrow]

I have not dwelled on my past in my mind. I figured ****s happens I can not change it so why worry about it. I wonder though if I am bringing it out in some other form. Hard to say. Still wondering where would someone go to get help if they can not afford it..... If your working where do you go.....

Forgive me Menu, I figured you lived in the US, which is a pretty large assumption given who is here.
I left a comment on post #11 answering you about who to call, thinking you would see it?

Chery: In the US, many cities have a newly installed service (just dial 2-1-1) which is the referral service for all kinds of local help. They would be able to refer someone to free or sliding scale counseling, if available.

Here is the national link: 2-1-1

[simpleguy]

Menu,

My fiancée in Ukraine and I both read and excellent book titled "His Needs Her Needs." The book describes all the top needs in a relationship of the man and woman. Guess what? The top 5 for the man and woman differ completely. Basically he did not provide your need for talk and companionship and possibly affection. Possibly you don't know or provide his? The book highlighted very well our needs. Read it and you may understand the psychology and even uncontrolability of your own actions.

[talaniman]

If you or your husband work chances are the job can refer you to a doctor as a primary physician and the doctor can refer you to a therapist. Hang in there a little longer I know you've suffered greatly for a while now but see the doctor and let him go from there:cool: :)

[DJ 'H']

At the end of the day you don't want the 'Old dude' you just want to feel the way he makes you feel. You are a novalty to this guy which will wear off as quickly as it started.

If you and your husband cannot work things out , then walk away and rebuild your life. There will be someone else that comes a long and makes you feel like no other could - but before then you need to be happy with yourself and your life; regain independence, make friends and learn to smile on your own! Only then will you find what you have been looking for all these years!

[menu]

Simplyguy I will check out that book that you said it sounds like something couples should read. Talaniman, my husband does not have insurance as well. And DJ'H' it's funny I can hear what you are saying and it makes so much sense, but that fear of being a lone keeps getting in the way. But at the same time, I am afraid I could not make it out there by myself. Oh Everyone is right I so need help. But thank you for the advise I have been receiving, it has been helping to hear from everyone. It has me thinking of other options. Again thank you