[Mistral121]

I was in a very long term relationship, which as its main features had: constant rows, two people with entirely different value systems, periodic break-ups and make-up, mutual verbal abuse, no trust whatsoever (on my part), snooping (again on my part), continuous lying and hiding (by her), lack of respect (started from her, then I did the same too)…

The only thing we have in common is that we are both educated and very successful in our professional careers. That’s where it stops really. If her “private space” was the size of Jupiter, in comparison mine is the size of an egg, her friends, work and fun comes before her family, with me it’s the reverse. When she is talking about her day, for example, I get “edited” highlights, but I am happy to share everything. She is well and truly self-centered, but I genuinely put her before me (well, used to at least). What she lacks in her sense of responsibility, she more than makes up with her arrogance (standard issue medical profession God complex) .

I am quite old-fashioned and conservative. She has been the first and only girl in my life and the person I intended to marry. I have never ever been on a date with another woman, let alone sleep with one. I keep my head down and work hard. Don’t drink, don’t do drugs….. you know, your 1950’s family man. I know I do have high expectations, but I never ask for more than I put into something.

Let it suffice for me to say that she isn’t exactly the same. She has never had a fully fledged love affair, but she has had several “incidents” with other guys, including having a fairly long relationship with another person who she initially told me was only a friend, but three years I accidentally read her diary which revealed the disgusting extent of the relationship (that’s when the trust disappeared and my chronic snooping started). Then during another one of our thousands of break-ups, two days after our break up she told a different person that she had feelings for him etc etc… It reached a point where I ended the relationship two years ago. It took me almost a year to get back to a state that I could live normally. I was content with the idea of being alone for the rest of my life; I didn’t feel I either needed her or any other woman.

Just as I reached some notion of inner peace, she came back and started hounding me for another chance. I refused for many months but she was relentless and didn’t give up, saying how she loves me more than anything, how she has changed, etc.. … I agreed. On the condition that I would end the relationship instantly if she has anymore nonprofessional relationship with another guy again, regardless of how small or insignificant it appeared. She promised.

Fast forward to last month. We hit another rough patch, and are not speaking for a few days. I find out she is not OK and try to get in touch with her. I eventually get hold of her and she tells me that she has been raped by a colleague who she let in her flat. She said the rape did not take its full course because she started crying hysterically. She says this person was not her friend, there was nothing going on. To this date I still don’t exactly know why he ended up at her apartment. She said however that he had previously been trying to “hangout” with her and she has been telling him that she has a boyfriend and cannot do that (I didn’t know about any of this).

You can see the mess this has left me in. I have to deal with a situation which would have never happened if she had kept her promise. I say “I have to deal” but the fact is I really can’t deal with it. It is tearing me apart and I have gone through the worst few weeks of my life (and I have been through a lot). Under normal circumstances, no amount of intellect would have stopped me making dog meat out of this person by now and ending up in jail. But I am not satisfied that she is telling me everything (but do 100% believe her that a rape occurred). I feel she has let me and her down in the biggest possible way. To top it all, she refuses to report to police in fear of the damage it would do to her reputation. She is acting as if she has had an accident on her bicycle. She cares more about losing me, than what happened.

I am searching deep inside myself and wrestling with my conscious to find forgiveness, compassion and understanding, but I used the last drops to bring myself to give her the “last” chance and take her back. I can’t be there for her because the only thing I can think about is her betraying my trust yet again. I am very angry and even though I know I am being utterly selfish, I feel like for me to overlook yet another lie and mistake from her means letting go of every principle I ever believed in. But more than that I cannot believe that the person whom I have loved for over a decade years with all my heart, whom despite everything, I always believed had a good heart, would be cold-blooded enough to actually be prepared to let a rapist go on the loose, not because he threatened to kill her, not because she is alone and does not have support, but only because of the damage it might cause to her reputation. I am not even sure if I know her anymore.

I tried to be calm about it and be there for her initially. But I couldn’t maintain it for too long. I pressed her to report but she started becoming extremely defensive (and later offensive) and it reached a point where I told her that she either reports this in which case she would have my full support and backing, both mental and financial, or she will never hear from me again.

And she never did…... I am assuming she went for the reputation because she hasn’t tried to reach me since then.

I am now having to deal with multiple issues. The love of my life being raped. The end of a relationship which took more human effort to sustain than it took to build the pyramids in Egypt. Having my trust positively shaken yet again (I now basically don’t trust anyone). Feeling that I might have been to blame for this (If I had known about this guy in advance I am sure I could have stopped this happening. But she says she doesn’t tell me what’s going on in her life because I overreact. And I do overreact. But only because I always find out everything after it has happened).

But the overriding feeling above all that is of guilt. I am feeling guilty about having put her into a corner like this, at a time like this, and giving her such an ultimatum. I don’t really want to be back with her. I hate her with equal passion and intensity as I love her. But I deeply care for her and part me wonders about how hurt she must be and how she now needs me more than ever. But I know I don’t have it in my anymore to do that because I feel what happened was wholly avoidable and did not need to happen, had it not been for her stupid stubborn ways.

I have not spoken about this with anyone, but I couldn’t keep it inside anymore. Out of respect for opening my heart out here, please keep your opinions about her to yourself. I devoted all my love and youth to this woman and I don’t want to read rants about her.

I just want someone to tell me I have done the right thing.

[DrLang]

I don't believe that there really is a right or wrong answer in this case. It sounds like you both have suffered. From the rocky history of your relationship, I would say that the only way you should be there for her is as a friend at most. However, I think it would be perfectly rational at the same time to not want to be there at all, and I couldn't blame you for it.

In short, don't fret that you did the wrong thing. You can only move forward from here.

[smokedetector]

I accidentally read her diary

Ok I have to know... how do you accidentally read a diary?

Cold-blooded enough to actually be prepared to let a rapist go on the loose, not because he threatened to kill her, not because she is alone and does not have support, but only because of the damage it might cause to her reputation.

I think it is really up to you. If you want to be with her (which you say that you don't) then be with her. If you don't don't. It appears that you want to be in her life, but don't want to deal with the drama that she attracts. Not to mention the trust issues, etc. It might be worth it to be really good friends with her. You can care about her, hang out (no sex), etc and still be involved in her life and her in yours, but don't have to put you or her through the disappointment. You expect more from her than she will give. That's no ones fault, but it serves no purpose to continuously have your expectations trampled on and for her to continuously be a disappointment. Being friends could really help your relationship with her, on a foundational level rather than anything more. In any case, if you want to be in her life at all, you will both have to regain the trust and respect. Also, all this is based on the presumption that she wants to be in your life as well, so be sure of where you stand before you pick a direction. Good luck.

[Mistral121]

Ok I have to know...how do you accidentally read a diary?

OK correction: I accidentally came across her diary, but on seeing the name of the person flash as I flicked through it, I then chose to read it. I know this is wrong. I have been on enough guilt trips already.

[smokedetector]

I wasn't judging, you already admitted you snooped, I just wanted to know. =D

[talaniman]

By your own words this was a shakey relationship to begin with, and it sounds as if it wasn't going to last as it was. Your choice, as there is no way you should be doing something you don't want to, so if you cannot support her as a friend, then this thing is over.

Its her decision alone, as to what she does about her trauma. Respect her decision. Hope she gets the help she needs.

You have done nothing wrong, but be honest about how you feel, with the person that counts, yourself. Be as honest with her also, but have some compassion.

[MarionH5]

Wow. What a tough choice you have had to make. Please don't let guilt rule your heart right now. Give yourself and your friend some space to think things through and decide what is best for you. The lack of trust is a pretty good indication of where this relationship was going.

[Mistral121]

Wow. What a tough choice you have had to make. Please don't let guilt rule your heart right now. Give yourself and your friend some space to think things through and decide what is best for you. The lack of trust is a pretty good indication of where this relationship was going.

Hi Marion. Yes normally I would agree. I am quite patient and am good with giving her as much time and space as required.

The catch is that you are dealing with a rape here. The chances of a successful prosecution rapidly decays with time. We are talking about people’s memory fading, physical evidence getting washed out, cleaned, etc… There is only one more thing worse than what is happening right now, which is that in 6 months time she realises she made a mistake and wants to report it, but there is nothing really left to base an investigation on. Knowing her, this is whets going to happen.

I cannot report this myself because before she told me the story she made me promise not to do anything about it directly. And I have never broken my word before. Plus what is the point if she is going to turn around and deny it? So she has to be the one who reports it.

But she won’t do that. She says that she was stupid, made a mistake and got what she deserved. That’s the end of the matter as far as she is concerned and I am supposed to get over it and love her and tell her everything is going to be OK. I don’t know if she is putting on a front or if this is what she really thinks, because if it is, it would be the third shock in this. Nobody deserves to get raped regardless of how stupid they acted.

Somebody said why not be friends. Two problems with that. Right now I am obsesses with getting justice. It will not matter if I was her dad, her gay friend, or her lover. I would press her with equal measure to go and report it. I don’t even care about the relationship now. If I was her "friend" it still would not make me lose my moral compass and be indifferent to such a heinous crime. I don’t care about either myself or herself, I only care about seeing this animal out of hospital and into jail. Secondly, she said I must either forgive her and let this go, or not even talk with each other at all (again I don't know if it was a bluff or not, but I called it, so lets see).

I feel like every minute this stupid girl is wasting on dealing with the wrong thing at the wrong time (i.e. dealing with the relationship, when the crime is the real issue), is one more minute that this animal has the opportunity to put somebody else through this.

This is like a tunnel that keeps getting deeper and darker. Absolutely hopeless. I really hope none of you have to go through this in your lives.

[hjpan]

Fast forward to last month. We hit another rough patch, and are not speaking for a few days. I find out she is not ok and try to get in touch with her. 1. I eventually get hold of her and she tells me that she has been raped by a colleague who she let in her flat. She said the rape did not take its full course because she started crying hysterically. She says this person was not her friend, there was nothing going on. To this date I still don’t exactly know why he ended up at her apartment. She said however that he had previously been trying to “hangout” with her and she has been telling him that she has a boyfriend and cannot do that (I didn’t know about any of this).

You can see the mess this has left me in. 2. I have to deal with a situation which would have never happened if she had kept her promise. I say “I have to deal” but the fact is I really can’t deal with it. It is tearing me apart and I have gone through the worst few weeks of my life (and I have been through a lot). 3. Under normal circumstances, no amount of intellect would have stopped me making dog meat out of this person by now and ending up in jail. But I am not satisfied that she is telling me everything (but do 100% believe her that a rape occurred). I feel she has let me and her down in the biggest possible way. To top it all, she refuses to report to police in fear of the damage it would do to her reputation. She is acting as if she has had an accident on her bicycle. She cares more about losing me, than what happened.

I am searching deep inside myself and wrestling with my conscious to find forgiveness, compassion and understanding, but I used the last drops to bring myself to give her the “last” chance and take her back. I can’t be there for her because the only thing I can think about is her betraying my trust yet again. I am very angry and even though I know I am being utterly selfish, I feel like for me to overlook yet another lie and mistake from her means letting go of every principle I ever believed in. But more than that I cannot believe that the person whom I have loved for over a decade years with all my heart, whom despite everything, I always believed had a good heart, would be cold-blooded enough to actually be prepared to let a rapist go on the loose, not because he threatened to kill her, not because she is alone and does not have support, but only because of the damage it might cause to her reputation. I am not even sure if I know her anymore.

4. I tried to be calm about it and be there for her initially. But I couldn’t maintain it for too long. I pressed her to report but she started becoming extremely defensive (and later offensive) and it reached a point where I told her that she either reports this in which case she would have my full support and backing, both mental and financial, or she will never hear from me again.

And she never did…... I am assuming she went for the reputation because she hasn’t tried to reach me since then.

5. I am now having to deal with multiple issues. The love of my life being raped. The end of a relationship which took more human effort to sustain than it took to build the pyramids in Egypt. Having my trust positively shaken yet again (I now basically don’t trust anyone). Feeling that I might have been to blame for this (If I had known about this guy in advance I am sure I could have stopped this happening. But she says she doesn’t tell me what’s going on in her life because I overreact. And I do overreact. But only because I always find out everything after it has happened).

But the overriding feeling above all that is of guilt. I am feeling guilty about having put her into a corner like this, at a time like this, and giving her such an ultimatum. I don’t really want to be back with her. I hate her with equal passion and intensity as I love her. But I deeply care for her and part me wonders about how hurt she must be and how she now needs me more than ever. But I know I don’t have it in my anymore to do that because I feel what happened was wholly avoidable and did not need to happen, had it not been for her stupid stubborn ways.

1. How do you left someone into your flat if the door is locked? She could've called the police and report a stalker. I sense utter crap from her story.

2. Seek therapy.

3. Typical shallow girl. Find a new girl who actually values herself.

4. You did go overboard, but you stood firm to your words about saying "hey, you have 2 options... either A or B" and she chose 'B' which is to leave. That is a smart thing to do cause you know what you want and expressed your feelings; she didn't. She just left you. Better find a new girl =]

5. SEEK THERAPY.