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Daisy87 · Aug 1, 2008, 11:07 AM

My husband and I have been married for about a year and 3 months. We had this whole plan set up for the next few years. He and I are both finishing our undergraduate degrees this coming April, and then he was planning on going to dental school, and joining the navy so that they would pay for it all. It was great because the navy would pay him a stipend every month, and he wouldn't have to do anything in the navy until after he graduated, at which point he would be a dentist for the navy (not a regular soldier in combat or anything).

Just a few months after we got married I told him that I really really really wanted to have a child. But we both new that it was silly to have a baby while we were both in school. We decided to wait to get pregnant until a time that would make it so that the baby wouldn't be born until after I graduated. Well, if you do the math, that's about nine months from NOW. Now there's a very small chance that I could already be pregnant (my cycle is ussually about every 4 and a half to five weeks, and it's been almost six since my last period, but I've taken a couple of pregnancy tests that were negative). Then last night out of no where my husband tells me that he probably missed the deadline to get the navy's support, and that he doesn't feel like he has the GPA, etc. to actually get into dental school and he wants to wait an extra year to go.

I was really upset because it's been torture waiting a year longer than I wanted to have a baby, and now I had to wait another whole year. When I told him how I felt, he just said "We can probably still have a baby now. We can work it out". Maybe I'm just not as hopeful as him, but I don't want to just "work it out". I want to have a plan to go on. So now, I don't know if we should try to have a baby and then just somehow "work it out" or adjust our plan by an entire year! And what are we going to do if I am already pregnant?

My head is just whizzing right now, and I really need to get some direction...

LearningAsIGo · Aug 1, 2008, 11:37 AM

First of all, if you're a week late you should call your doctor to get a blood test done to see if you are pregnant or not. Its possible that you ovulated late (with this kind of stress I wouldn't be surprised) so maybe you're not due for your period just yet. Or, you are late for other reasons which should also be checked out.

Secondly, if there is this much uproar right now, its best to wait. What's a couple more months or a year? I know you're anxious now but the best thing to do is be 100% ready for a baby. Would you want an infant on top of all this stress right now? Just keep talking to hubby and you'll come to an agreement.

GL!

N0help4u · Aug 1, 2008, 11:42 AM

Sometimes you just have to go with the flow instead of planning out all the details that is what makes life interesting. As long as your life and financial issues are decent and you are not having any serious problems to cope with I don't see a problem in trying for a baby.
Write down a list of your real concerns --not timing things but management type things
And then figure out if they are real obstacles to caution you to wait or if they are just obstacles that you can work out.
Wait at least until you are comfortable

Daisy87 · Aug 1, 2008, 11:46 AM

I don't think that my period is late because of the stress simply because it's was about a week late and my husband didn't say anything about this until last night. But, I'm sure it's possible that my cycle just decided to change itself or something.

I guess I'm just upset about waiting because we've always wanted to have a big family. I mean a BIG family, like seven kids big. I only have so many years that I can do that! My husband's mother had her last child at age 44, and I do NOT want to put off kids for that long. I guess maybe I just feel like I need to start early to get a lot of children in while I'm still in very healthy years.

Perhaps I'm just paranoid... a little?

LearningAsIGo · Aug 1, 2008, 11:55 AM

Not paranoid, just wanting a family!

Lol.. My husband and I are Trying to conceive (trying to concieve) as well but we just had a miscarriage so I know all to well how you're feeling right now. When you want children, its very hard to wait! You're stressing out, but its kind of a good thing. At least you're thinking about what you want for your future before just diving right into it!

DoulaLC · Aug 1, 2008, 02:18 PM

What is your degree going to be in? Is it something you wanted to work with after you graduated or can you put work on hold? Do you plan to work soon after the baby is born or to stay home for a couple of years or so?
When it comes to getting pregnant, it may take you quite some time, even a year or so, or it could happen the first month of trying. Try a list of pros and cons of trying for a baby now or waiting a year.
Maybe a compromise... instead of another year, revisit it in 6 months. In the meantime, and especially since it sounds like being organized and prepared for things is important to you, you can both be doing what you can to insure you are both in very good health and make any lifestyle changes in that direction, check your finances so you will be comfortable in that regard with perhaps some money put aside, start learning about pregnancy and all that it involves, etc..

Daisy87 · Aug 1, 2008, 02:29 PM

My degree is called "Recreation Management and Youth Leadership". Basically, I do a lot of work with not for profit organizations, especially helping youth. I want to be a stay-at-home mom, though. If I really had it my way I wouldn't have worried about getting a degree. But, I know it's important in case my husband can't work, or we have financial trouble and need some extra help. I'll probably work part time during the day once the youngest of all those kids starts school, and so I don't need to be home all day. So, it's always been the plan for me to "put work on hold" so to speak.

I love the suggestion of doing what I can to insure we're both in good health and everything. The thing is that I already came to that conclusion a while ago. At my last gyno appt I asked if everything was healthy enough for me to have a child, and I was told that everything looked good. I also have been taking Folic acid vitamins for over three months now. The finances is my main concern. The whole navy plan made it so that we would be able to have children while my husband was still in dental school, and with that gone (or being delayed) I'm just not sure if I should follow his lead, relax and just "work it out", or if I should wait the year.

DoulaLC · Aug 1, 2008, 02:59 PM

You are wise to get the education behind you. Having the ability to support yourself is crucial... many women find this out the hard way when life takes unexpected turns and they find themselves having to support themselves, with or without children.
Also smart to start talking to your doctor about it already and going on the folic acid... :)

What if you worked for that year, even part-time, and that money could be set aside. That way you would have a nice nest egg to be started on when you do start having children. You would also have some experience in the field you will want to get back into at a later time.

Even with wanting a large family, one year won't make a tremendous difference at this end. When you are older, it can however... as in your MIL having a baby at 44. That is not the norm without medical assistance as fertility does start to decline for the majority of women well before that time.

If you had a baby before the year, you would work it out... many people find they work it out just fine as there often seems to be reasons waiting could be a good idea... more money, some travel done, further education, own home, car paid off, etc..

You and your husband will have to decide what you want done and sorted before you have a baby in the house and what time frame will allow you best to do those things.

Daisy87 · Aug 1, 2008, 03:13 PM

Thanks, guys. You all have helped me to focus on which decisions to make first.

It looks like either way I'm going to be waiting at least a month. My husband wants to get Supplemental insurance, and you have to have it for a month if you want it to pay for any hospital stays. I can't argue with the fact that it's a good idea and work the 30 day wait...