[superfunk]

Ok I know I might be in the wrong place here but I'll put it in and see what happens.

This is going to be a long thread so apologies in advance.

Ok, this all started about when I was 20 I am now 24. Before I started thinking things like this there were some big changes in my life and I started suffering from a very deep depression.

When I was at school I was not the most popular person but was kind of a class clown and I never really went out with allot of girls. Actually I think most girls went out with me for a joke or they were not really interested, I was just there with my other friends and there girlfriends and I suppose they did not want to feel the odd one out if they were not with anybody.

Anyway this sort of happened all the way through junior school and high school. In the last year of high school I started going out with this girl everyone else thought she was a bit of an idiot, but I did not get that much attention off girls so when she asked me out I jumped at the chance. Anyway this was my first sexual experience so I was about 14 maybe fifteen. It was not great as I did not know what I was doing. When I cane back into school on the following week I walked into the classroom where she also had a lesson and everyone started laughing at me apparently she told everyone that I was rubbish to have sex with and not long after that we split up, no surprise there!

So anyway after I left school I had a couple of relationships, the first one was OK but I sort of felt like she was not into it we had sex I thought it was good but maybe she did not. Not long after we split up cause she went off with someone else. The next relationship I had was with this great girl, she was not the best looking but she was so nice and we had great sex. Her friends even told me in secret that it was the best sex she had, so obviously this increased my confidence, especially because of the bad experience I had before in the past.

Anyway we split up it was kind of a mutual thing. Just after we split up at this point in my life I started taking drugs like ecstasy and other things, I met theses bunch of people who were into the same thing and I started going to house party's on a weekend. I loved this part of my life everything was great I had this group of people who I really got on with and my confidence was at an all time high, I did not think of girls that much at this point in my life, but always felt like a wanted a girlfriend. So anyway I started having sex with this girl I did not really like that much but I needed to have sex, and it was convenient because she lived so close and she was always “up for it". I think she wanted more out of what was going on but I just wanted sex.

Well anyway this is when I started developing a medical condition I started getting these sort of spasms in my neck and in my face my neck would seize up and my facial muscles. It was now that I started developing a depression, I found it hard to look at people and talk to them because of these spasms. I shut myself off and stopped going out and used to cry all the time I even attempted suicide. Allot of my so called friends used to take the Mick out of me because I looked so uncomfortable round people because I could not look at them and always looked miserable they used to call me boring. Obviously this did not help and only sunk me deeper into depression. Whenever I used to talk to people I used to go bright red and tense up. That’s when people started saying I was gay I over heard people talking about me at work saying yeah he’s a bit weird isn’t he, do you think he might be gay? and that played on my mind all the time because I was thinking "what me gay? Because I had always had strong believes against homosexuality. I went through a phase of trying to pretend I was this super confident person and that I did not need anybody else and turned into a real . Putting up a front I suppose, as if I was saying "If you don’t like me I don’t care cause I don't like you" but really deep down inside I knew I cared because I felt like I had been shunned out off everybody I knew and everyone I would ever meet would just do the same thing,

So any way I started going out with this girl who I was having sex with, even though I did not like her, I just felt like I was not good enough for anyone else and this was my only option. The relationship lasted about 4 years. About 2 years into the relationship I was still very depressed was unemployed and did not even want to leave the house, because when I was walking along the street I thought people were laughing at me. So about 2 years in anyway I was watching big brother and there was this guy on and I looked at him and got a weird feeling that I have never experienced before and I thought wow I might be gay so anyway I never really thought anything of it. Thinking back now I can't really remember what happened after that but I sort of did go though a phase of watching the T.V and finding other men attractive to look at but never thinking I would want to have sex them. When I seen a good looking man on the T.V I would get a feeling but even now I am not sure what I am feeling because of my depression I don't know what it is cause my emotions are all over on a daily basis.

So any way after I split up with her I was out looking for girls, even when I was with her I used to go on dating websites and add girls and talk to them on msn and they used to send me picks and I used to get instantly aroused. I was still very depressesed at this stage and to be honest my depression has never really left me.

I started a new job a couple of years ago and I was determined to not go red when I talk to people and be as friendly as possible. Anyway it sort of paid off because people seemed to like me and I started seeing this girl who I am still seeing today. When we first started going out we had sex all the time and it was great we used to go away and have sex all the time. This other girl at work said she fancied me while I was going out with my girlfriend. I know I should not have done it but as I was still insecure and thought "hey this is good another girl likes me don’t let this one slip though”. So anyway I did not sleep with her I just kissed her we sent tests to each other all the time but then it just sort of faded out. At the beginning of this year I was made redundant both me and my girlfriend. So we were stuck in the house together for about three months till I found a job. Anyway I am going one bit now so I will just say this I lost the new job I had as it was just a temp job now I have been unemployed now for about 3 months had allot of time to think and when I am watching the TV now I am getting very strong feeling watching men in the TV and I am not totally attracted to my girlfriend much. I think I might be Gay but I am so scared because I don’t want to be. I love my girlfriend very much and don’t want to break her heart. I don’t want to be gay but it sort of has been going on for a while so I am sort of convincing myself that I am. It's weird cause now I get theses feeling round my friends who I have known for years, these I my good friends though not the so called friends who use to take the piss out of me. I am looking at men on the street and in the gym as well and getting these feelings. I'm not sure if it is because I am stuck in the house 24 hours a day and have got too much time to think, but I’m thinking about it all the time now.

Does this sound like I am gay do people go through parts of there life when they are attracted to the same sex? Am I bi sexual? I still get turned on when having sex with my girlfriend and love her body. Am I in denial?

I'm so scared confused and unhappy at the moment. I would really appreciate if someone could reply to this. I know it is a bit long but I needed to speak to someone!

Thank very much
I.G

[N0help4u]

No it doesn't sound like you are gay. If you can not see yourself kissing and being sexually physical with a guy then NO you are not gay.
I know my old boyfriend had me watching porn once and it really didn't do anything for me but
I did notice that looking at the girl it wasn't a sexual attraction turn on but more of a 'being in her shoes' type thing so I think the attraction is more of a relate to them thing than an actual attraction to them per se. More like an empathy envy.The thing is I know I could never get physically turned on or attracted to a girl.

I hope you have quit all the drugs. Bad drugs and mixed with wrong combinations very well could have caused your spasm problems. To continue doing them is only going to slowly degenerate the condition to way worse.

[Sarah48375]

I have been turned on by girls before, and I'm not gay. I have had similar thoughts about girls that you have about guys. I don't think it's abnormal. I think that most people just hide and deny. I don't want to be in a sexual relationship with a woman, but I have been turned on by them. In the past I have had the same fears and thoughts about myself. I don't think the way you are describing things that you are gay, but only you can know for sure.

[path]

I don't think you are gay. Even if you are its not a bad thing. But I think you are looking at these other guys and you are wishing you could be them. IF you can't be them the next best thing is to be around them. Not sexual but just to be around them.

[superfunk]

Thanks for the comments. I Think you might be right but I am so confused and don't know which feelings to trust anymore. One day its really bad one day its not so bad. I suppose only time will tell. Maybe I will feel better once I get back to work and have a little more self respect, maybe I am looking too much into it.

I.G

[0rphan]

Hi super funk... I think your minds gone into over load, due to these last few years.

No sooner do you get up and your knocked back down again. mainly due to a lack of confidence that goes right back... at least 10 years.

It seems to me what you want most, is to be like everyone else, or what you deem everyone else is, by going along with the crowd you've ended up in all kinds of trouble.
You just need to be yourself, your individuality will have something original which will attract the opposite sex for what ever reason.

The drugs are bad what ever way you dress it up, they mess with your head... your thoughts, feelings, inabititons, judgment, self aware, plus much more are non existent.

The side effects... not worth the trip

I can understand your depression, losing 1 jobs bad enough, never mind more, so I can see how yourself confidence never really got going. Did you take any medication for your depression ? This can be extremely helpful as a temporary measure allowing you to deal with your worries at your own pace.

No I don't think you are gay... don't be so hard on yourself, remember you have been depressed, anxious about all manner of things, slightly obsessing about others. These are classic examples of anxiety. When we get anxious we tense up, that means all parts of the body can tense up as well... meaning down below, it's a main blood supply.
Have you been looking at guys tensing up in that area, getting an erection, so you think... I must be gay,otherwise I wouldn't get an erection ?
If this is the case please don't worry, it's all to do with the anxiety and not because you are gay.There is nothing wrong with looking at a guy and thinking how attractive he is it's human nature, everyone does it, it doesn't mean you are gay you just appreciate a fit or beautiful body.

These thoughts have disturbed you to the point of obsessing which is why you are constantly always testing yourself in the street... your head may be saying, if I look at that guy and I feel excited then I'm gay... if I don't get exited then I'm not. So you do this constantly in a bid to get confirmation one way or another.

My advice to you is go and see your G.P, you need something to help you relax and maybe a counciller just so's you can air how you feel.. get things off your chest , so to speak. Get this sorted before it rears its ugly head again.

Just my opinion

Takecare

[superfunk]

Orphan thank you very much for your answer. Everything that you have said is so true. I have always tried to fit in and have always been afraid to be myself. I am always so self aware and feel like I can never realax. I have actually seen my gp and have started a course of anti depressants. He has also recomened I see a pyscho therapist. So hopefuly this will help me with my anxeity. I do tense up a lot, but I have never got an erection looking at a man, but your right I do constatly look in the street and compare every man and every women to see if I get a reaction.

Thank you very much once again for your answer, what you said has really put my mind at rest. I might have a bit of an easier time from now!

I.G

[confused teen18]

Hey mate am 18 and I am going thro the same thing but I have had gay fantasys and watched gay porn wich I started enjoying more than normal yet I don't fancy men only women I suffer from bad anxiety which causes me to read far too much in to things 1 day I can get up and think look at the girl she is stunning I know what I wld like to do to her then for a whilst go through a stage that I don't really acnolage girls because I am constantly worrying am I gay and that if I am when I try and sleep wif a girl all be so scared that I can't get turned on it is very frightinin yet very normal not many men will admit to it and it can make you very down and depressed the fellings you say about looking at your pals and guys in the street I get that to and you get this gut felling like a dread and you think to yourself am I looking at him because a fancy him and it starts the whole process of again but to be honest I fink if you were gay you probab;y would already no don't dwell on what other people have said about you in the past mate I have been fro it because people were jelouse of me and they would say aw your gay or this or that al because I don't run about trying to act like a wido but I was brought up wif more respect for people I've been going thro this for about 3 years and I've had a lot of bad things happen in my life over the years which probably add to my stress but most of all like you I am a thinker and really read far too much in to things its hard to just not think about it and some days I fell sick to the stomach worrying about it not because I have enifin against gay people most gay people I have met are great people but because I feel like its not me maybe in yeers to come I will turn out bi or watever but why worry about it I think more people than care to admit go through a few months or years of there life that they doubt there sexuality sexuality isn't as black and white as you think does a gay man thinking of a women in a sexual way make him straight no he is gay because he prefers men so because you look at something and find it atractive don't mean that's what you really want fantasy is fantasy most fantasys if thy were to be played out people would not fell the same about them in real life as to when it was a fantasy so don't worry mate ull be fne and why not try and talk to your girlfriend about it if she loves you she will understand and help you thro it :) hope this helps ;)

[mikebrit81]

If you have feelings for some one lets say you have feelings for a male. Then your gay. But If you can be able to have sex with the same sex it does not really mean your gay. Your only gay if you have feelings inside your heart for another male. Samething for a Girl. If you have feelings for a girl then your hetrosexual. Although keep in mind that Sexual activity with anyone can lead to very strong feelings towards that person

[danielnoahsmommy]

If you have sex with the same sex you are either gay or bi...

[danielnoahsmommy]

..

[path]

Only you know if you are gay or not. Have you had sex with a guy? Its something that you might want to think about trying. It is one way to find out if you are or are not.
There ar a couple things that bother me about your letter.
1) just because you say you "acted" a litte weird people at work said you might be gay.
GAY PEOPLE ARE NOT Weird. They are normal people just like everyone else. It makes me mad as hell when I hear someone say something is so "gay" when it is bad. Sounds like the people at that job you worked at needed a little anti discrimination class.

2) you said you were trying to convince yourself that you are gay. Why would you try to convince yourself? If your not your not. Many gay people have tried to convince themselves that they are straight. It just doesn't work. You are what you are.

I hope you can seek out professional help and get your life on track. I had to go through many therapist before I found one to help me. The very first one I went to told me I was going to burn in hell for being gay. LOL. He threatened to tell my parents and everything. Scared me to death. But I kept looking for the right one and when I did it was such a burden off me.

I wish you luck.

[powder321]

I think your mind is all over the place... You have obvously dealt with a lot in the last few years, and from that you have fell into a depression... I personaly don't think you are gay. But I do think you should talk to a doctor and let him know how you feel. I once fell into a depression and had many thoughts running in my head, especially being home and having nothing to do, you have lots of time to think and your mind starts to go wild on you.