[talaniman]

She is doing nothing you do not allow.

End the confusion by not letting her back in your life.

[cadillac59]

Boy, I don't know how you cannot think that it's over.

[youser333]

I was once the girl in this situation and all I wanted was my cake & to eat it too. I wanted this loving, stable, and safe boyfriend and I wanted the excitement of the new man I was falling for.
I was selfish and it wasn't until my boyfriend started to man up and leave me, that I knew the mistake I was making. I was walking all over him just for some crush.

What I'm saying is that you can't be so nice to her! You can't go buying her gifts and believing her lies. (yes they're lies; I've been there) If you REALLY want her you have to do this:

Call her up and say (sternly) that you won't deal with this anymore because you want have a girlfriend , not a woman who doesn't know what she wants. Tell her that you're not afraid to leave her if things don't change and remind her of what she's losing.

[Mr Pseudonym]

Boy, I don't know how you cannot think that it's over.

I'm well aware it's over. I just posted in this old topic so I didn't waste space. It was over a while ago haha. I really wish she didn't do this though because I know how much she'll regret it; I was the perfect guy for her and we both know that. There's no chance of anything being good now though she has ruined it.

[kctiger]

You just need to quit talking to her, as it creates more delusions in your mind. She has already said, in not so many different words, that she doesn't deserve you. Cut her out of your life period. You don't owe anything to her, but you do owe yourself a chance to move on. Thus far, you haven't fully committed to that.

[High Max]

First off, I read this and I wanted to punch my hand through a wall in anger, not at you, but at your lousy ex.

She completely played with you and was being a selfish little . She wanted you there emotionally, but wanted someone else physically. That doesn't fly in a committed relationship.

You tried working this out and did what you could, but she turned out to be a cheating whore, as you said. You were completely justified in saying this, and I would have said the same thing if I were in this situation, my friend. And I felt the sting in the words, and I sure as hell hope she felt it too. She deserves no kindness, no respect, nothing. She got into a committed relationship, in which two people are supposed to be there for one another always, and pull through. She failed, she failed in her commitment. She put your feelings on the line because of her lust and childish actions, and hung you out to dry.

Do you think she cared about you? She didn't, she was looking out for herself. She was crying not for guilt of what she DID TO YOU, but the fear of LOSING you as her emotional tampon. That's what she was crying about. Do you think she was thinking of you when she was out to lunch with this guy, making out with this guy, or making love to him? Hell no.

Tell her to stick it and that you wish her the most unhappyness, toss out anything of hers and put it in the garbage if you still have it. That's all she deserves.

[wolfgangqpublic]

Young girl is not yet mature enough or prepared to seek exclusivity, and is drawn wherever the winds will take her. Happens all the time. Some are open and honest - try to fight the feeling but eventually tell their partner that they can't. Others go out and cheat. Yours seems to have fallen in between.

You'll need a few months, but move on. She's not perfect, and she doesn't want you back.

[Mr Pseudonym]

I feel like a complete idiot because I'm still so hung up on her. In hindsight I would probably make the lousy choice of going back to her too. I hate to admit it but I could see myself doing that. Also, I've been going out and doing my own thing and trying to meet new girls but it's a terrible position for me to be in: First of all I'm still in love with my ex and find it hard to move on because of that, but I'm also afraid to move on because it would seem like I'm sinking to her level; she has got me hog-tied here. It doesn't feel right moving on that quickly, yet my ex is doing it so casually and openly. Is there anything I should do? Overall I'm just not myself anymore; it's been a while since I've been happy and what's making me feel worse is the fact that my ex is in a soon-to-be comfortable relationship now and has found my replacement. Now I know she's been going on about how she misses me and all that but I know it's all fake just like she is. I guarantee she's leading me on again and is keeping in touch cause she knows id be foolish enough to go back to her if anything bad happens in her new relationship. Is there any proactive thing I could do to get out of this little rut I'm in. I feel obligated to do something foolish to this new guy to make yself feel better but obviously it's a bad idea. Would it be a bad idea to talk to him? My mind is racing, still. I need help.

[talaniman]

Actually there is nothing else to do, but put your time to good use, enjoying people, places, and things that are new and interesting.

A lot of times the biggest mistake is trying to replace what we had, thinking that we will feel better. Seldom works, but when we realistically just go for the company and good times of friends and family, we can at least make new memories, and feelings to replace the old ones.

Haven't you ever noticed how time flies when your having fun??

That's what you need, time, and a lot of it. The way you spend it is up to you!

[Mr Pseudonym]

Ok I just got off the phone with her. We talked for an hour about everything. The whole time we were talking she was really cautious about what she said, making sure to say nothing wrong and was also reassuring me that I was right and she was wrong. Which is useless in this whole situation I'm assuming. What is getting me though is how she kept talking about her new guy and telling me how he has been overtly and aggressively controlling about her not talking to me. He has told her to block me out of her life completely and for good, but she really doesn't want that. She said "if he knew i was talking to you now he'd be pretty mad, but i want to keep talking to you". They've been together for only a month and he's already acting possessive... which was the "reason" she left me. I don't know.. this whole thing seems really odd and completely silly now. We were talking about him like we were friends and it has left me with such an uneasy feeling. I really don't know what to do now, we had a civil conversation and it wasn't that bad. Should I remain a friend? Would it be a better idea to just let this guy get what he wants and stop talking to her? Thank you for you help. And sorry for all this useless banter about something so childish.

[talaniman]

This is not childish at all. She has clearly made her choice, and keeping you around in case she decides to leave. She is hedging her bets. Unless you leave her, and her business alone, NOW, you will allow yourself not only to be caught up in her business, but her having a place to go, IF SHE SO CHOOSES. Her life and problems are her own, now move ahead without her, and get your own act together.

Cut contact, and keep your dignity, and self respect, by dealing with your own problems, NOT HERS.

Ok I just got off the phone with her

Considering how you felt after talking to her, can't you see the whole conversation was nothing but confusion, and her giving you FALSE HOPE?

[talaniman]

Just read this and it sums it up really well!

It is perfectly normal to feel like that. Take this time to enjoy yourself and become the person you want to be. I was in your position 5 months ago. I went NC pretty much after the 2nd week. She contacted me numerous times but I never responded. I just went on with my life. Catching up with friends making new friends, going on dates, focusing on hobbies I didnt have time to do before and generally trying to fill the gap. And it really did work. Im not sure if Im completely over her but I feel fine.

Then about 3-4 days ago I got an email from her basically telling me how sorry she is for the way she treated me, how her life is a lie and how she has tried to convince herself it was ok of her to leave me but has failed. How she needs me now that she is going through a rough patch, because I was always able to help her, but knows she has no right to ask for friendship after the way she treated me. So what do I understand from all this? She does not want me back for sure but still wants all the emotional support I used to provide because her current guy might not be able to offer her that. So will I actually be her friend and provide all that? DEFINITELY NOT! and I am not doing it out of revenge. Im just protecting myself and do not want to start moving backwards after all ive been through. So what Im trying to say is that you need to put yourself first now and even if her guilt forces her to come back you need to be strong and just keep moving forward.

Good luck with it.

Hope Busterite doesn't sue me, but this is something YOU need to realize.

[busterite]

No way Tal! It just feels good being able to help people and give back all the good advice and support I got from you and the rest of the people on this site. It helped me more than anything! Thanks

[busterite]

I really don't know what to do now, we had a civil conversation and it wasn't that bad. Should I remain a friend? Would it be a better idea to just let this guy get what he wants and stop talking to her?

You know what to do. You need to stop talking to her. She is just meddling with your thoughts. She will keep on doing it for as long as she can because its making her feel better. She is only thinking of herself!!

You hold the power of cutting her off completely and helping yourself out of this unhealthy situation. Don't believe a word of what she says. What is going on is you are providing all the emotional support the new guy can't offer at the moment until he gets to know her and he will be able to at which point she will just cut you off herself. Or he won't and she will come back to you until she finds another guy. So for you it is a lose-lose situation. I don't mean to be harsh but you need to see things for what they really are man.

By stopping talking to her you are not giving this guy what he wants you are giving yourself what you NEED!!

[thadevilsadvocate]

You want to know what to do? You want to know what is the best solution?

Start listening to everything that you are being told on here, and you will be amazed at how well things will turn out for you!

You agreed to go no contact, then you broke it.

Then you said it was all over and you told her what a terrible person she was... then you talked to her again.

You even went so far to say that you had a civil conversation with her, and now because you had one civil conversation, you don't know what to do?

You are in a confused state of mind right now, and that is normal, and you are not the only one, in fact, you are one of millions, but believe me when i say this:

Follow all of the advice that is being given to you on here, and you will save yourself from having to think about things... everyone on here is already doing the thinking for you. Trust us!

[g33zer]

I had the same thing happen to me pal, sadly I believe it is the end for you guys :(
Just cut her off no contact mate for a week or two and if you feel your strong enough to talk to her in a friendship manner then discuss things, but prepare if they don't go your way to be back in square 1.
Mine has ended up with her actually with this boy, that's what made it so hard to deal with, but its OK cause we get over things and life goes on :)

[Yosomoton213]

Dude, erase her from your life completely. Burn photos, videos, etc, and displace memories of her and you with new memories of you and friends/family. You will be amazed how good you will start to feel in 2 weeks. I joined a club, and now have 30 more friends than I did 2 weeks before. Take this as an opportunity to change yourself into who you want to be. Take cooking classes. Just forget about her. She is poison. Bad, Bad poison. Forever hold fast to the good.

[Yosomoton213]

When you actually realize that she won't come back, and even if she did, the relationship would be bogus, that is when you get serious about no contact. Until then, you will continue to beat your head against the wall. I've done it before, and I might do it again (but not with this one). NC is therapy for YOU, not a tool for getting her back, nor is it a revenge tactic. Live for you my man, and be happy. You can do whatever the eff you want, starting now.

[Yosomoton213]

Here are things to do instead of communicating with the ex (non-exclusive).
1. Video Games
2. Partying with friends (new chicks!)
3. Talking to other girls (it helps more than you think. Just flirt with them a bit, to realize that 'You still got it')
4. Classes/work
5. New Hobby. Mine was ballroom dancing (more chicks!)
6. Fantasize being with other women.
7. Fantasize being with famous women (ugh, Eleanor Roosevelt).
8. Reading (especially if you are alone and at night, the worst time of a breakup.)
9. Whatever you want!

Others please add activities for this guy. Do them all. Just don't contact the she-devil. Even if she comes knocking at your door.

[kctiger]

Volunteer
Get a job (or another job)
Go to the gym
Take long walks
Take long baths while blaring good music that uplifts you