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    jlferreira83's Avatar
    jlferreira83 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jul 28, 2008, 09:53 PM
    Ex-wife attending my family functions
    I have been with my husband for over eight years. We have been married for four of those years. My husband has two children from a previous marriage. The mother of his children hates me, of course, and likes to make me miserable. She has always tried to continue attending my husbands family functions. Many times he has asked her to refrain with no success. One thing she has done recently is befriended my husbands mother and sister to get invited to the family dinners, parties, holiday functions and so on. This not only bothers me and my husband but her new husband as well. The children get stressed out and do not know who to talk to, who to ask for soda or desert, and so on. My husband and his ex have been able to work things out well enough without getting the court involved. Should I request he get a court order forcing her to stay away? Is there any legal way around this? HELP!
    jrebel7's Avatar
    jrebel7 Posts: 1,255, Reputation: 251
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    #2

    Jul 29, 2008, 12:49 AM
    I am no expert in the matter but I would suggest that your husband go to his mother and sister. Tell them that while he has nothing against them being friends with his ex-wife, out of respect for you and him, he asks that they do not include the ex wife in any family functions. She is the ex... The only time might be if it is a party for the children and you are both okay with she and her husband being included. (Your husband should take this on himself to do this and not say to his mother or sister "my wife doesn't like it when she is invited".)

    He should tell them that if she is included in the invitations, you and he will respectfully decline the invitation. He should approach this in love and not with hostility toward his mother or sister of course but a line should be drawn.

    Learning to say no is far better than going to court at this point in my opinion. His mother needs to learn to say no to the ex, his sister also as well as you and he declining if it makes you uncomfortable. She is being invited so she is not crossing any legal lines as I understand from what you posted.

    The ex's new husband should learn to express his opinion to his wife. If she has any respect for him, she should try to understand him not being comfortable being placed in that position and give him that respect of letting go. If she "crashes" parties so to speak and is abusive, then maybe a court order to keep her away... but I would let that be a last resort. Less stuff like that going on, the better for the children as well as for yourselves.

    Where children are involved there will always be times where the ex and you and your husband will be at certain functions and it will be totally appropriate for all to be there.

    Your husbands parents home should not be a place where he is always going to be running into the ex. Surely if he visits with his family about this, they will cease the invitations. It might take a little while for it to all subside and be patient but he must stand firm in his decisions. Best to you both and the rest of the family.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #3

    Jul 29, 2008, 10:26 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by jlferreira83
    I have been with my husband for over eight years. We have been married for four of those years. My husband has two children from a previous marriage. The mother of his children hates me, of course, and likes to make me miserable. She has always tried to continue attending my husbands family functions. Many times he has asked her to refrain with no success. One thing she has done recently is befriended my husbands mother and sister to get invited to the family dinners, parties, holiday functions and so on. This not only bothers me and my husband but her new husband as well. The children get stressed out and do not know who to talk to, who to ask for soda or desert, and so on. My husband and his ex have been able to work things out well enough without getting the court involved. Should I request he get a court order forcing her to stay away? Is there any legal way around this? HELP!!


    These are always difficult situations - why does his ex-wife "of course" hate you? I honestly have no bad feelings about my ex-husband's "new" wife. We were finished so I have no bad feelings about him or her.

    How is she making you miserable? I don't think I'd much care - life really isn't a competition. You're married to him, she's not. Sounds like she's moved on, too.

    I've seen the argument that these are the Grandchildren, the first wife will always be their mother, they don't want to distance themselves from her for two reasons - they don't want to offend her if she has custody and control over the children and your husband divorced her, they didn't.

    Legally - no, you cannot get a Court Order that people (including family) can't invite his ex nor can you get an order that, if invited, the ex can't attend.

    Maybe if you would talk to someone about how she makes you feel you could get beyond this. If she's deliberately making you uncomfortable perhaps a professional could advise you how to now let her annoy you which will take the fun of it for her.
    bluejeangal's Avatar
    bluejeangal Posts: 24, Reputation: 2
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    #4

    Aug 9, 2008, 11:31 AM
    I was put into the same situation, but I was the ex. Me & my ex-in-laws had a very close relationship. If my ex was invited, I called to see if it was OK with him that his parents invited me to function.(50th anniversary, so on) my ex was OK with it, but not his new wife.
    I finally took matters into my own hands and made excuses for why I couldn't be there (all thruthful) and told my ex-in-laws that if it dealt with them or my children, I would be there (50th ann. birthday parties) but I put in an appearance, spoke with everyone, including new wife, then left as soon as possible.
    Ex-family finally understood what I was trying to do and finally they started asking me & children to visit when they knew my ex was unavailable. It worked out good that way, I got to visit with the best in-laws I have ever had and was still considered a part of the family, as I divorced him not the family, and me & new wife actually started to talk and under different circumstances, we could have been really good friends.
    She was just afraid that this wonderful person she saw, I would want back.. no way, I divorced him and never wanted to have anythhing to do with him, but for my kids and ex-in-laws I tolerated seeing him when we had to attend functions together.
    He knew me enough to know how I really felt about him, but no one else seen it... hence the children didn't need to feel we were competing for their attention nor did they feel that we hated each other and if they showed love towards the other parent--they were being unfaithful to the other parent.
    Have your husband talk with his family and let them know that he realizes that when he got his divorce, he and his ex divorced each other and not the family, but the kids were being put into a situation that was uncomfortable and unless it was a function envolving the kids , could they please have separate times for ex to have relationship with them when he was unavailable,.
    Or try and think of the kids and just bear with it...
    jrebel7's Avatar
    jrebel7 Posts: 1,255, Reputation: 251
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    #5

    Aug 9, 2008, 01:26 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by jlferreira83
    She has always tried to continue attending my husbands family functions. Many times he has asked her to refrain with no success.
    Hey there! Wish your husband's ex could read the post by bluejeangal. She showed such class and good judgment and made it good on the children in the process. Hopefully your husband's family and his ex will get a clue that they can love you and the ex but need to make some adjustments as suggested by bluejeangal.

    How are things going lately? Please keep up updated! Best to you! :p
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #6

    Aug 9, 2008, 02:10 PM
    Farily simple, if event is at your home, don't let her in the door,

    If the event is at another family member, let them know if she comes you will go home.
    karolmk's Avatar
    karolmk Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Nov 24, 2010, 09:20 AM

    I have a similar situation. Have been with my husband for 16 years. From day one, when his son had a holiday get together at his house we are all invited. My husband has told his son he is not comfortable with this and would rather spend holiday time with us and his family, but his sone says it is easier for his family if it is done this way. So we all sucked it up and go along or we might not see the grandchildren.
    jrebel7's Avatar
    jrebel7 Posts: 1,255, Reputation: 251
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    #8

    Nov 24, 2010, 09:46 AM

    karolmk, I am sorry you are having to deal with this. I understand about the grandchildren but children are to respect their parents whether as a young child or an adult. Sounds like the son has called the shots for a long time. Boundaries must be set. I do not advise you to "lay the law down" so to speak, but simply state what your plans are and you hope he and his family can attend. (Make sure of course that the time does not conflict within reason of the other plans his son has). Boundaries should have been set much earlier but better now than never. It can be done in a kind, loving way. It is then up to him (the son) what he chooses. We can all be giving here and there and not rigid even in boundary setting, in that, the boundaries should be clear but kind. Best to you and Happy Thanksgiving!
    omissliberty's Avatar
    omissliberty Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Feb 3, 2011, 07:00 AM
    I'm not one to be rude, or want to hurt anyone's feelings. So I tend to lean towards the obvious, which is "live and let live". Divorce between two people and their children is painful and it should not be prolonged or ignored as if it never happened. IT DID! So let it be. Allow them to heal and to move on in life and as family, you should support that decision whether you like it or not. It wasn't anyone's decision but the two people who WERE married, and now AREN'T. So if you want to make things agonizing and uncomfortable, by all means, disregard that these two people and their children went through a painful divorce. If you want to help them to heal and to grow in a healthy way, allow them to be divorced and stop treating their ex like he/she is still part of the family.
    AlaskanHawaiian's Avatar
    AlaskanHawaiian Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Aug 24, 2012, 01:01 PM
    My step daughter posted a picture of her brother, mother and my husband on FB when my step daughter and step son were heading out of town. The step daughter was visiting as she now lives down south. She labeled it "blood" and said is was good to have the family together again.I felt pretty bad about it. As the child of divorced parents myself, I would never have done such a thing to my step mother. I know I should not confront her about it but may bring this up it with my husband. My husband is and always will be "Family" and "Blood" with his kids, but since he is my husband we are family. He is no longer family with his x-wife. (Or he would be polygamous!) Can I get some feed back on this? Thanks.
    AlaskanHawaiian's Avatar
    AlaskanHawaiian Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Aug 24, 2012, 01:24 PM
    I can't find how to edit my recent post, it was actually the x-wife who posted it on my step daughters page...
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #12

    Aug 24, 2012, 02:33 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by AlaskanHawaiian View Post
    My step daughter posted a picture of her brother, mother and my husband on FB when my step daughter and step son were heading out of town. The step daugher was visiting as she now lives down south. She labeled it "blood" and said is was good to have the family together again.I felt pretty bad about it. As the child of divorced parents myself, I would never have done such a thing to my step mother. I know I should not confront her about it but may bring this up it with my husband. My husband is and always will be "Family" and "Blood" with his kids, but since he is my husband we are family. He is no longer family with his x-wife. (Or he would be polygamous!) Can I get some feed back on this? Thanks.

    I'm a stepmother and a step Grandmother (5 times and 4 times). You are not blood to your stepchildren.

    As painful as that might be for you, you are not "blood" and when multi-generational photos are taken I don't think it's inappropriate if you are not included in the photos.

    "My husband is and always will be "Family" and "Blood" with his kids, but since he is my husband we are family." Your husband have your own family. If you are asking about family, yes, I still wouldn't insist I be in the photos BUT if you are talking "blood," they are all related by blood. You are not.

    Your stepchildren's family will ALWAYS include his "ex" wife, their mother. She is, of course, not part of your family - but she is part of theirs. Would I ever approach my husband with a "problem" like this? No, because I'd look like I was being petty.

    What does my husband's family do? They take a "blood" photo - my husband, his children, their children. Then they take a photo with them AND me. The Grandchildren call me "Grandma," but they KNOW I am not their "real" (as we put it) Grandmother. I am also more than the person who married their Grandfather.

    I love them, but that does not change the fact that I am not their mother/blood.
    AlaskanHawaiian's Avatar
    AlaskanHawaiian Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #13

    Aug 25, 2012, 10:01 AM
    Sure Judy, I had no problem not being in the photo. I agree with most of what you said. I do have a problem with the x referring to my husband as family. When they divorced after she moved in with someone else, my husband no longer can be considered family to her. He and I are family.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #14

    Aug 25, 2012, 10:19 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by AlaskanHawaiian View Post
    Sure Judy, I had no problem not being in the photo. I agree with most of what you said. I do have a problem with the x referring to my husband as family. When they divorced after she moved in with someone else, my husband no longer can be considered family to her. He and I are family.

    You know, I have an "ex." My husband has an "ex." I don't care HOW his "ex" thinks of him.

    I care how he thinks about me and how I think about him.

    And I'm serious. If my huband's "ex" wants to refer to him as family for whatever reason, let her do it. I know he's not; she knows he's not; he knows he's not.

    For a long time she referred to me as the "homewrecker." I met him 12 years after they divorced.

    It's words, nothing but words.
    AlaskanHawaiian's Avatar
    AlaskanHawaiian Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    Aug 25, 2012, 10:28 AM
    Thanks Judy (by the way, that's my name too). I know, she may be the mother of his children, but he loves me... I do hope someday the x finds another husband and maybe then she will let go of mine. She still asks him to help fix and build things for her. Thanks for your advice. Judy


    Quote Originally Posted by JudyKayTee View Post
    You know, I have an "ex." My husband has an "ex." I don't care HOW his "ex" thinks of him.
    ..
    I care how he thinks about me and how I think about him.

    And I'm serious. If my huband's "ex" wants to refer to him as family for whatever reason, let her do it. I know he's not; she knows he's not; he knows he's not.

    For a long time she referred to me as the "homewrecker." I met him 12 years after they divorced.

    It's words, nothing but words.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #16

    Aug 25, 2012, 10:36 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by AlaskanHawaiian View Post
    Thanks Judy (by the way, that's my name too). I know, she may be the mother of his children, but he loves me... I do hope someday the x finds another husband and maybe then she will let go of mine. She still asks him to help fix and build things for her. Thanks for your advice. Judy

    Oh, I can top this - I am referring (in fact) to my late husband when I mention the "12 years divorced." She did remarry (and continued to call). He (obviously) remarried.

    When he passed away SHE showed up in town (an 8 hour flight) to "help me" arrange his burial. Needless to say, she was out of town as fast as she arrived here.

    She is probably still somewhere grinding her teeth over me.

    I laughed then. I laugh now. At the time - not so funny, but some people are simply dillusional.

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