[Jayjay027]

Ok, I was dating a guy for almost 2 years. He isn't my first love but my first proper relationship, physically and emotionally.
For almost 2 years things were amazing, we had our fights, obviously, but I was always grateful of him, I could never believe my luck that I had him. However, we both did start to take each other for granted, and it became a strain.
About 2 months ago we had a chat about it, we both admitted that we could work a little harder on the relationship and see if we could make it better, and if we couldn't, well then we knew what we had to do. Unfortunately, we didn't really bother trying... we STILL took each other for granted, and not long after that I got an amazing career opportunity that kind of took all of my attention and energy, and for a while I really didn't concentrate on my relationship with him.
Then, 3 weeks ago, he stayed in his friends house overnight (his female friend who has been the cause of some arguments in the past) and naturally I wasn't happy about it. The next day we were talking on the phone and he said we should meet up, he didn't think he wanted to be in the relationship anymore and thought we should meet up and talk face to face.
We broke up hours later, I agreed with him that we weren't trying anymore and it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. He suggested going on a break and not breaking up, but I said no because I didn't want us to have any false hopes because neither of us know what is going to happen in the future, and he was fine with that. After a lot of crying on both parts, I went home a single girl after a 2 year relationship.
He continued to talk to me, he would send me text messages all the time, some of them he was telling me how much he cried as I walked away, and that its really hard for him etc... And some were just friendly "hey how you doing" kind of messages.
A week after we broke up we met up and went to the movies, we had a great time together, but we ended up having sex. We continued to talk every day again, and we met up again, just trying to remain friends. We didn't have sex that time but we fooled around.
When I suggested that we give each other our stuff back he said he didn't want to, and when I suggested getting back together he said he didn't want to. But now he has agreed to give our stuff back, although he said it would put him in bad form because it is "so official".
I'm really confused, he did say that he doesn't want to get back with me, but at the same time I feel like he is sending me mixed signals and I don't know where I stand.
I love him so much and I miss him dearly. Please help me.
Jay

[fredg]

Hi, Jay,
Thanks for asking a question here, and Welcome to the site.
It's over.
He wants to move on. I had the same thing happen, many years ago, with a girl. We knew each other for about 5 or 6 years, were sweethearts, went away to different colleges. Got a letter from her my first year in college. She found someone else. Took me a year to get over it, and start dating again.
Things happen with relationships, and we never know what willl happen. We love, and take our chances. I was divorced after 7 yrs, 1st marriage, but now married 29 yrs to a wonderful woman.
Stay in contact with him, if you want to. You may, or may not, be able to be "just friends". If you are really in love with him, it might hurt too much, causing you more pain, to just be friends. He is ready to move on.
I do wish you the best, and I would give him back his stuff, let him know you are there if he wants to start the relationship again. Or, it's up to you. Might be better just to end it altogether; wish him well, then try moving on yourself.

[talaniman]

There are no mixed signals this thing is over and you would help yourself a lot not fooling around or going to bed with him. You deserve better than being a booty call! Move on with your life and put plenty of distance between the two of you! Good luck!:cool: :eek:

[Wildcat21]

Pretty simple...

Trust and respect... neither of you really respect each other feelings and you don't trust him.

I think he is having his cake and eating too... with you and the other gal.

You keep running to him and talking to him and conversing...

REMEMBER: PEOPLE WANT WHAT THEY CAN'T HAVE. ALWAYS!!

He has you. You're too easy.

I shut off ALL contact with him for 2 months - NOTHING. DO NOT RETURN any calls, text etc. End it.

Then maybe in 2 months, call him - suggest coffee - be careful and caucuous and see where he stands.

Basically he is tusing you now for attention. You're too easy - he has you - he doesn't want you.

[s_cianci]

At this point, feeling the way you do, I'd confront him about what he wants and where the two of you are going as a couple if anywhere. Tell him upfront how you feel but also stress that you need a firm commitment from him now or else it will be over and you're moving on, giving his stuff back, taking back yours, the whole nine yards. Don't let yourself be strung along by his wishy-washiness ; that isn't fair to you. Of course, on the flip side, be prepared yourself to give the full commitment to him the same way ; no ambivalence on your part either. You're at a crossroad and need to make a decision so now's the time to do it. Good luck!

[Jayjay027]

Thanks for replying everyone.
I told him I wanted no more contact with him after we give our stuff back, he seemed a little bit annoyed but he reluctantly agreed. We were meant to do it tonight, but when we were talking on MSN, he didn't answer me when I brought it up, then he went offline.
He did say to me before that doing it will really hurt him and annoy him, but I feel that we're both making it worse for ourselves. It seems to me like he's putting it off, and I can't figure out why seeing how he said it was a break up and not a break.
I'm completely miserable without him, and I do really want him back... So my fragile mind is taking this as a signal that he's putting it off because maybe he doesn't actually want to make the break up official.
I've thought a lot about it, and as much as I love and miss him, I'm going to stop the foolong around and going to bed together, because you're right, its not doing us any favours.
But I'm still totally stuck as to what to do about this. He ignores the subject of giving stuff back, and avoids talking about it now. What do I do?

[talaniman]

Give yourself time to sort out your own feelings now so you make a decision with a clear mind as to what you want and if you can don't worry about stuff or make it an issue,I would also not have any contact, while I think about the decision I must make!Good luck!:cool:

[Jayjay027]

Ok, I posted a little while ago about my problem, quick recap. I was dating a guy for 2 years, we broke up and remained friends. Anytime we talked he seemed alrite... I seemed OK to him too, but I was completely miserable... still am, and he told me he was really upset about it too.

After posting on here about it, I took wildcats advice and stopped replying to his texts etc... but he came onto msn when I was on and he started chatting to me. I acted totally fine, he asked how Im doing and I told him I was doing great, I had been out all week and had a good week and was looking forward to the weekend etc...
I asked him how he was and he said he'd had a bad week, but talking to me has cheered him up.

I really miss him, I'm still in love with him, and I want him back. He doesn't text me anymore since I asked him not to, but will still talk to me when he see's me on msn... I'm going to continue acting totally OK and happy... but it doesn't seem to be making a difference.
Obviously I don't know what's going on with him, or how he feels. He said he's still hurt by the break up (which was a month ago) but I just REALLY want him back!

Does anyone have any tips on what to do or how to act? I'm keeping my distance, we've only talked twice this week and that's because he's chatted to me on msn... but neither of us are really on msn a hell of a lot so I can't see that happening too often.

By the way, we broke up because we both thought we were a little young (we're 19 and 20) to be in a long term relationship, he said we took each other for granted and that he didn't feel the closeness anymore, although even after we broke up he still told me he loves me.

I'm just confused and lonely, and I miss the love of my life.
Please help.
X

[milliec]

Hi Jayjay,
I've just finished reading your former thread.
One of the things yo wrote popped up to my sight "he does'nt like to give tings back"...
- he might be a possessive type, wants what he can't have (the way wildcat pointed out) - THIS isn't love.
Love is about trust, respect, cherish.
You have to keep yourself busy and see other people - not necessarily guys -don't fall into the rebound trap.
Looking at the dates of your previous thread, you've been hardly apart. It seems to me what you miss has nothing to do with love, you keep mentioning you were together for 2 years: you got used to have each other around.
Ask yourself what is this guy for you, what role would you like him to take in your life - husband? If you took each other for granted after 2 yeas. How long would it take after you're married? Divorce is more painful than breaking up now, and finding the right guy is not easy.
The age isn't the only thing here, like you pointed out in this thread - look back at the whole picture, and don't look away from the things which made you unhappy during your 1st round.
Good luck, and take care,
Millie :)

[fredg]

Hi, Jayjay,
You have two options:
One is to keep on doing what you are doing, but it's not going to make you feel any better. The only thing you really want is to have him back. But, he doesn't want that.
The other thing is to stop communicating with him completely, try to let it go, and move on. It's hard to move on, but sometimes things just don't work out.
I had 3 "loves of my life", many yrs ago, when I was 16 and on up to 22, when the last one found someone else.
Married at 24, divorced 7 yrs later, but now re-married for 29 years.
Been there, done that!
Sometimes, we just have to accept things the way they really are, and start talking with others, dating again. Talking always helps, and helps to move on with our lives.
I do wish you the best, and good luck. Things will eventually get better!

[talaniman]

Moving on would give both of you a chance to sort out your feelings and clear your head as sometimes we need a breath of fresh air to deal with our problems. You will feel differently in a month.:cool:

[milliec]

Hi Jayjay,
You should stay completely apart-you can't know your real feelings, if you keep in touch. This is first of all, to make things clear to both of you, see what you really mean to each other.
Take care,
Millie:)

[Jeebers]

Time is the only thing that will make this better. As for how to act... try not acting. Make a decision for yourself. It's the back and forth that makes it so much harder.

[Wildcat21]

I am wondering if you are in love with the idea of a relationship, but not in love with him. It's EASY to confuse, especially when your young. You like the idea, comfort, closeness of being in a relationship.

Also, he seems to come to you when he needs attention.

I would do no contact at all for a month - then meet him for coffee and see. I'd date other people as well. Work on yourself.

[Jayjay027]

I am in love with HIM. Being single does not scare me at all, I can be happy on my own, I was before and I'm not about to think that I NEED him to be happy.
It will take an enormous amount of time and pain to get over him.

I really want to take your advice and stay away from him, but Im not that strong. I am OK for a day or 2 and then Im miserable again, depressed and crying and I just want to tell him everything, about my day, about what happened at work, about a joke I heard - EVERYTHING. I miss HIM so much.

It's hard for us to stay apart because we know a lot of the same people and go to a lot of the same places. Although we have been good for a while, I haven't txted him and he hasn't texted me or anything.

Just, Im finding it really difficult to enjoy myself now. I've been out with my friends, we've had a great time together, but Im just not having fun at all. I can't seem to go 5 minutes without thinking about him and being miserable that we're not together.

I know not seeing each other is the best thing to do, but is there no other way? I am head over heels in love with this man, I miss him and everything about him and want nothing more than to have him back.

Please help, Im really unhappy.

[milliec]

It's hard for us to stay apart because we know a lot of the same people and go to a lot of the same places. Although we have been good for a while, I havent txted him and he hasnt texted me or anything.

Just, Im finding it really difficult to enjoy myself now. I've been out with my friends, we've had a great time together, but Im just not having fun at all. I can't seem to go 5 minutes without thinking about him and being miserable that we're not together.

I know not seeing eachother is the best thing to do, but is there no other way? I am head over heels in love with this man, I miss him and everything about him and want nothing more than to have him back.

Please help, Im really unhappy.

I see what you mean Jayjay, and yet, all the advice you were given still holds true.
First of all, find ways to stay apart, don't go where you think he'll be.
Yo must get stronger, to make ANY relationship work!
Never loose your own self in a relationship, don't be anyone's shadow.
You must stay apart, gain strength, and sort your feelings, Even if you eventually are going to be together.
The worst time is the period next to your separation - as I can see it, it has hardly begun.
I agree with Wildcat that you might be in love with the idea of love and not with the person - to find out the true answer to this question you MUST detach yourself completely for a while. Look at it like it's a detoxification period - I stopped smoking 33 years ago - the 1st week was awful, I still remember it even today.
You've got to have fun without him, and that's true even when you're involved with a guy.
Keep strong, and get our help whenever you need it.
Take care,
Millie

:) :)

[milliec]

I am wondering if you are in love with the idea of a realtionship, but not in love with him. It's EASY to confuse, especially when your young. You like the idea, comfort, closeness of being in a relationship.

Also, he seems to come to you when he needs attention.

I would do no contact at all for a month - then meet him for coffee and see. I'd date other people as well. Work on your self.

Hi Wildcat - I wanted to express my appreciation, but couldn't - so I take this opportunity -i fully agree to your points here.
Millie

[Jayjay027]

Please don't patronise me, I know how I feel.
I am not in love with the idea of a relationship, and I'm not in love with the companionship - I am in love with him.

You guys have no idea what he has done for me, I had zero confidence when we met and he instilled so much confidence in me. He made me believe I could do things to boost my career and made me believe in myself.
I've never felt like this about anyone, don't tell Im not in love with him, because I am!

When we were together, we both had nights out without each other, that was always very important to us - to spend time with friends and have time away from each other, we never wanted to "crowd" each other. I was always able to enjoy myself because I was in a happy, loving relationship... and I could tell him all about my night and everything that happened the next day.

Please don't keep telling me Im not in love with him - because I am!

[talaniman]

Trust me I know you're in love, the thing is I feel you depend on this person a lot to validate yourself instead of enjoying your youth and all the fun and experiences that young people have. Love is not just someone making you feel good ,but you have to make them feel good also. So please try to be patient and take this time to work on yourself and find out about you.:cool: :)

[milliec]

By the way, we broke up because we both thought we were a little young (we're 19 and 20) to be in a long term relationship, he said we took eachother for granted and that he didnt feel the closeness anymore, altho even after we broke up he still told me he loves me.

I'm just confused and lonely, and I miss the love of my life.
Please help.
x

:) :) :) DEAR JAYJAY
Please forgive me if I was the one who made you feel like I was patronizing you - I didn't mean to, and also forgive me if I was harsh - I didn't mean that either.
If you miss him, and no matter how you spend your time, and have a good time, etc. you're still miserable, and if he feels the same, you must meet.
Talk about your problems, find out what made him say what he did, what induced these things, his feelings, something that happened, lack of excitement, something he's seen (completely unrelated to the two of you), something he's heard (and maybe misinterpreted)
You know, love and pride clash at times.
Meet and talk. In any case, even when you're 100 years together, communication is still one of the main ingredients - build your lines and keep them working.
And if you were really taking each other for granted and felt your relationship lacked excitement, find way to bring it in, and keep it there.
Good Luck,
Millie
:)