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mogli · Apr 7, 2006, 07:52 AM

Hello,

I am 26 year old and married. It has been one year since I got married. From the beginning itself I started having problems in marriage. My husband is not interested in sex even if he has sex with me he doesn’t do any foreplay. Once I told him “I would also like to have some pleasure, it would be nice if you did some foreplay before we started”. He was so angry at my asking him that he wouldn’t come to me for months. Later when I asked him why he was staying away from me he says I am very demanding and that he cannot trust me he feels that I am addicted to sex. He also said that I might go with anyone for sex. I was very hurt because I am very committed and faithful. All I wanted was to have some fun with my husband. Later he started coming to me but he is the same, he treats me as a body. I am totally devastated. I don’t want him to even touch me. I am very angry and sad. Sometimes I feel that I have started to hate him. My dilemma is that I know he will be a wonderful parent to my children. Even if he doesn’t love me he will not leave me because he feels that if he leaves me his image in society (his relatives and friends) will be destroyed.
I am confused. Could you help me?

Thanks,
:confused:

fredg · Apr 7, 2006, 08:46 AM

Hi, mogli,
This is the time, when you mention these particular marriage issues, that one begins to wonder if their marriage is going to be successful... one year is not at all a long time to be married. My second marriage is now going on 30 yrs. One neighbor celebrated their 50th. Anniversary last week!
You have to be happy in marriage; happy with your husband and he, happy with you. Relationships take some time in building, and unfortunately, take a little time to get worse.
If you foresee living with your husband for some time to come, I highly suggest you both go together, for Marriage Counseling. Something like this, if it continues, could mean you will not be a very happily married couple.
I do wish you the best, and good luck.

Catseyes · Apr 7, 2006, 12:07 PM

Wow,

Your husband says YOU are demanding ( and " addicted to sex " because you just ask for some foreplay :eek: . How about HE being selfish and demanding by considering you the way he does ?
Did you have sex before marriage ( no religious offense here, just a question : did you know he was like that ? ) ? Or did he change his behavior ( not just how he makes you love ) after the ceremony ?

Even if he doesn’t love me he will not leave me because he feels that if he leaves me his image in society (his relatives and friends) will be destroyed

Does that mean, you two talked about the problems?
Whatever, it doesn't look good to maintain a relationship for the public eye.

Marriage counselor is usually a good solution.
However here, I wonder if your husband would like the idea : judging by how he reacts, he may not want to go there. It is difficult to talk to a total stranger about intimate stuff.
You should try to bring SLOWLY the idea.

milliec · Apr 7, 2006, 12:34 PM

Dear Mogli,
While I agree that a marriage counselor can help a relationship in trouble, I think you should really reconsider the whole situation IF the only reason to keep this marriage "alive"(?) is the public of relatives and friends!
If this is the ONLY reason, I can't see you happy.
First of all, you have to be sure that's the way things are, really.
I completely agree with Fred that a marriage should be a source of happiness for BOTH of you, and I don't forget the difficult times which do happen but, from time to time, not as a rule.
I think it should provide an oasis , a shelter from daily hardships outside.
A counselor is inevitable, even if you go by yourself (at least at the beginning).
Good luck,
Millie

talaniman · Apr 7, 2006, 01:54 PM

A year is not a long time but what is obvious is you two didn't discuss your sex life before marriage. Good communication is the foundation to any good relationship, and I agree counseling for you both together would be the next step but to be honest I think your husband would be a hard sell to this idea! I would suggest a letter that is heart felt explaining your love for him and that he take you down the path of the intimate journey of life and love that you both learn and grow into together. Your husband is a proud man and may not want you to know that the intimate parts of a relationship is unknown to him .I can't believe he was like this before you were married! Was he?:cool:

brighid · Apr 7, 2006, 02:56 PM

Dear Mogli,
I could write pages in response to your question, but I will try to keep it as concise as possible.
My husband and I just celebrated our three year anniversary. For one of those three years we probably only were intimate two or three times. We even separated for a few months. I found that marriage is HARD work. I also struggled because we have a two year old son. You both seem to have major issues stewing inside yourselves. You must work out other issues before you can expect to enjoy each other intimately. Why would anyone desire a person they are utterly annoyed with?
I also can relate with the no foreplay issue. I think rather than percieving the men as selfish and inconsiderate right away, you might want to consider a lack of self confidence in your partner. If he is at all unsure about his own performance, he may backlash at you and become very defensive.
Overall, I just want you to know you are not alone. Don't give up yet. Perserverance pays off... Be as understanding as possible, but don't lose sight of your own needs and the level of respect you deserve.
You married each other for a reason. A lot of life issues can hinder a couple's sex life, don't give up hope.

bdevine · May 18, 2006, 11:37 AM

I know how truly frustrating being in that position is. You start to look inward for the problem when its his not yours. I'm sorry you are in this position but My first gut reaction to your story is that he is Gay and hiding the fact with you. You mentioned how important appearances are well maybe he is in denial or doesn't want others to find out so he married. Unfortunately that hppens so often in this world.

s_cianci · May 18, 2006, 06:42 PM

Your husband has some very unhealthy attitudes regarding sex. Try to persuade him to seek counseling. If he won't, then go yourself as this may at least help you get a grip on what issues he may be dealing with.

valinors_sorrow · May 18, 2006, 07:52 PM

Forgive me Mogli, there is something in how you have put this that makes me wonder something.. . This is, of course, strictly a hunch. I mean no disrespect. You certainly don't have to answer too. Its just your profile doesn't shed any light and there is this sense that your culture may be very different than what I am used to.

It would be important to work within your cultural limitations, if that is the case. And then again, I could just be off my rocker here, too!

What would help to know is:
Are you living somewhere that women are not regarded as equals by a majority of the culture? Is there family near by, either his or yours, and do you talk freely with any of them? Do you know any happily married couples who you might also might cultivate for a support system?

I see you are free to consider a marriage counselor - that is a good sign.

kp2171 · May 18, 2006, 09:17 PM

I'm so sorry to hear this.

Marriage is work and compromise and sometimes you don't get what you want. The first year or two was the toughest of my marriage, for other reasons.

But this isn't right.

He might be a good father, perhaps... someday... but being a good father is not the same as being a good husband. The marriage is built around you two... not the possibility of good parenting sometime in the future.

I am not one to talk lightly about the breakup of a marriage. I think too many people quit for selfish reasons and disrespect the sanctity of the promises made.

But you are asking for more than sex here. This is about attention, satisfaction, a focus on your needs and his not willing to be a gracious lover.

You are too young to be feeling like this. Breaks my heart.

Marriage isn't all about sex. Lord knows if that were the case then those of us with kids would be neck deep in trouble! It only gets harder to find the time to spend with each other alone and intimately. But when you BOTH are willing to work at it, and BOTH are wanting the time together... well it makes it easier to get through the times when you cannot be together, focused on each other.

So... you need to try a little more to get him to talk about sex... and if he resists or is angry that you are bringing this up... well, this is simply not something that I think is healthy.

The potential of being a good father is not enough to satisfy you. And you do deserve to have the attention and intimacy that you are being denied. Especially so early in your marriage and at a time when you can be spontaneous.

So try a little more... try to be patient and nonaccusing... but do not feel guilty or ashamed that you are asking for your husband to pay you some deserved attention.

danagonzo · May 24, 2006, 01:02 PM

I'm 26 too and have been married for 4 years. That's very untypical for a man to say. Usually guys want it all the time. I know my husband wishes I was a sex-addict. Anyway, maybe your husband has some other security issues that he's struggling with regarding sex. Let him know that you love him and that you really care about your relationship with him and that even though it's not all about the sex, sex still does play a very important role in your relationship together. I wish you the best.