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sillylilly · Jul 25, 2008, 09:30 AM

My husband and I recently got back together after a 6 month separation. He begged me to come back and so I did. I've loved him most of my life. We have been together for 9years and we have 3 small children together ages 1-8. I love him dearly but here lately it seems like we are getting back to where we were before our separation... which was due to him cheating. He is now talking to other girls again and it makes me feel uncomfortable. Anyway that's completely off subject.

Last weekend he went out with friends.. which doesn't bother me at all... but when he came home I had been asleep. He woke me when he came in because he was talking on the phone. He got into bed hung up the phone and I reached across him to get something and he rubbed my back in a very sensitive way. Then all of the sudden starts telling me how big of a wh*&e I was when we were separated.. which by the way isn't true... and that he don't believe me he believes his friends. So I asked him who told him that and why he would believe nonsense over his wife. He became very mad and so I tried to call a friend to come and get me and my children and he snapped my cell phone in half so I took his so that I could once again try and call a friend to come and get me and my children. He then proceeded to throw me down on the floor because I had his cell phone and he started punching me in the head and arm.. arm because I used it to cover my face. He has never hit me before and I can't explain why he would do it now? I don't think he's an alcoholic because he very rarely drinks. I'm so confused I don't know if I should stay or go. I have no job and no family here. What do I do?

I'm truly not making excuses for him and no he's never even swung at me before.

:confused: any help would be greatly appreciated :)

Romefalls19 · Jul 25, 2008, 09:36 AM

GET OUT FAST, how can you even ask if he is abusive? Of course he is, he has anger problems and if he has never acted like this and now he did it with alcohol involved he may be becoming an alcoholic. RUN FOR COVER now!

talaniman · Jul 25, 2008, 09:46 AM

You call a cop, press charges, and find a very safe place to be with family support or a shelter. Sorry but he is a danger to you and his kids so get away, ASAP!

A shelter can provide referrals to counseling, and guidance through this. Call today. Call family. Call good friends.

Rockstar714 · Jul 25, 2008, 10:01 AM

Run away. Of course he's abusive, you just said he beat you!

Tal is right, call the cops, press charges and find a shelter or go stay with a friend or something. Just because he's never done this before obviously doesn't mean anything because he did it to you, and he'll probably do it again.

Run from him and never look back. Don't ever get back together with him no matter how much he begs.

MsMewiththat · Jul 25, 2008, 10:09 AM

You don't have to ask is he abusive, you know he is. Secondly of course he is going to accuse you of what he is doing because it diverts (re-directs) the attention to you not him. Please do your children a favor and leave. You don't have to have family where you are to get help. Go to a agency that is designed to help women in your position. You deserve better God knows your children do. Do not go back regardless of how much he begs you. Move on. There are far too many women that don't live to tell the story of what they would have done differently if given the chance. You have the chance take it and go, Please chose LIFE!

smokedetector · Jul 25, 2008, 10:17 AM

If he left bruises, be sure to take pictures, or go to the doctor and have everything documented. To answer your question, that is abuse. You won't look too great if you stay now, because you're putting your kids at risk. Even though he hasn't hurt them yet, it would be irresponsible of you to keep living that way and opening up the opportunity for him to hurt your kids. It might be hard, but you need to leave. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. Good luck.

kynglyon · Jul 25, 2008, 10:19 AM

You are definitely silly, lilly. Who writes a post like that and expects a rational answer from lay people? Every situation is different, and you have only written your side of the story. Most importantly, if you feel in danger only you will know it. So get PROFESSIONAL help! A hospital is a great place to start. Hospitals are easy to access and provide a multitude of services. Don't listen to people's advise on this site, they are too disconnected to answer such a personal question. Only you can decide after getting a PROFESSIONAL opinion. Good luck to you. I hope you make the most thoughtful decision.

smokedetector · Jul 25, 2008, 10:24 AM

Ky,

I wonder, in what situation where one partner punches the other and throws him/her to the floor would it NOT be abuse? I'd like to know. Or do you suggest his side of the story is she tripped and fell on his fists?

Rockstar714 · Jul 25, 2008, 10:44 AM

Ky,

Why go to an advice/help desk site, ask a question and not listen to the people on it?? You're making it sound like we're all stupid and that only a doctor or some other "professional" can tell her if its abuse.

Being beaten, regardless of the other side of the situation is ABUSE. Anyone with half a brain knows that, and that's WHY there are WOMEN'S SHELTERS and DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINES because someone with half a brain knows their being abused and can go there, not to a "professional" to tell them something they already know.

hjpan · Jul 25, 2008, 10:47 AM

Good question.

Look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself the same question you just asked us.

f104 · Jul 25, 2008, 11:02 AM

Yes he is abusive. The beatings will not stop. You need to leave.

N0help4u · Jul 25, 2008, 11:12 AM

Not only is he physically abusive he is controlling, manipulative and verbally abusive.
For you to say he punched you in the arm because previously you also covered your face sounds like even though he may not have ever punched you before he at very least has swung at you before and been an on going threat.
He is manipulating you by trying to find things to hold against you no matter how untrue they are to justify whatever he feels guilty about himself.
Like a guy will go out messing with a girl and come home and feel guilty so automatically turn it around to where you are the wh@re that messed around while he was 'out innocently with the guys'.
Stay away, don't go back they never change. When they do it isn't as simple as I miss you so I have changed my ways to get you back.
Until he does some serious soul searching and takes responsibility and acknowledges what HE has done wrong he will never change.
I bet he can't even give you a basic outline of his wrongs. Even if he can I bet he would find a way to turn it around to I was wrong for cheating, BUT YOU...

sillylilly · Jul 25, 2008, 11:41 AM

Originally Posted by kynglyon

You are definately silly, lilly. Who writes a post like that and expects a rational answer from lay people? Every situation is different, and you have only written your side of the story. Most importantly, if you feel in danger only you will know it. So get PROFESSIONAL help! A hospital is a great place to start. Hospitals are easy to access and provide a multitude of services. Don't listen to people's advise on this site, they are too disconnected to answer such a personal question. Only you can decide after getting a PROFESSIONAL opinion. Good luck to you. I hope you make the most thoughtful decision.

Who the hell are you to tell me I need professional help? Are you a doctor? I'm not afraid of him first of all. I never have been and even after these events I'm still not afraid of him. And I don't appreciate being spoken to like an idiot. I know that he hit me and I understand that. I know that he's also never done it before.

N0help4u · Jul 25, 2008, 11:45 AM

I agree many women, I include myself, are strong survivors and do not need professional counseling to get through things. Sometimes just an outside opinion is enough to nudge you in the right direction.
You may be clouded with your judgment now or feel stuck in your situation because that is common and getting people to encourage you in the right direction is all you may need.

Romefalls19 · Jul 25, 2008, 11:47 AM

Originally Posted by sillylilly

who the hell are you to tell me i need professional help? are you a doctor? im not afraid of him first of all. i never have been and even after these events im still not afraid of him. and i dont appreciate being spoken to like an idiot. i know that he hit me and i understand that. i know that hes also never done it before.

Okay, so what if it's the first time he's done it? How do you know if it's the last time. Know that if you do decide to stay, your children may be subject to this abuse and when they grow up might think this type of behavor is acceptable which it is Definitely not. You have a lot on your plate, so maybe speaking to a counselor wouldn't be a bad idea.

N0help4u · Jul 25, 2008, 11:51 AM

sillylilly agrees: I agree. I'm just wondering if this may be the calm before the storm... or if this is the beginning of something really scary. Like I said I'm not scared of him and never have been even now. I think I'm still trying to take it all in.

It is the storm bottled up Like I said
The ONLY way you can ever trust him again is to get him to name his faults and acknowledge it as HIS wrongs and NOT try to turn them on you and actually work on changing. UNTIL then you are wasting your time, life and efforts on somebody that does NOT appreciate you for who YOU are and run the risk of more abuse.

He can claim to change all he wants but the proof is in the pudding. So far all he has is the powder.

sillylilly · Jul 25, 2008, 11:51 AM

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

Okay, so what if its the first time he's done it? How do you know if it's the last time. Know that if you do decide to stay, your children may be subject to this abuse and when they grow up might think this type of behavor is acceptable which it is DEFINATELY not. You have a lot on your plate, so maybe speaking to a counselor wouldn't be a bad idea.

He has never laid a hand on my children... not so much as a spanking. And I have sought counseling before... 4 different ones to be exact. And each time I would leave I would come out more confused than I was before I went in to talk to them. I'm not sure counseling is such a good idea. That's why I chose to post my story on here.

N0help4u · Jul 25, 2008, 11:53 AM

Counseling never did a thing for me and I have been to several too.
All they did was ask you questions that you already went over a thousand times in your head and they never offered any insight or direction.

sillylilly · Jul 25, 2008, 11:53 AM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

sillylilly agrees: i agree. im just wondering if this may be the calm before the storm...or if this is the beginning of something really scary. like i said im not scared of him and never have been even now. i think im still trying to take it all in.

it is the storm bottled up Like I said
The ONLY way you can ever trust him again is to get him to name his faults and acknowledge it as HIS wrongs and NOT try to turn them on you. UNTIL then you are wasting your time, life and efforts on somebody that does NOT appreciate you for who YOU are and run the risk of more abuse.

I like your answers and you are being very helpful. Thank you so much I do appreciate it.

Romefalls19 · Jul 25, 2008, 11:55 AM

I'm not talking about directly hitting your children, I'm talking about if they see these types of actions they may think it's acceptable. There aren't going to be may people on these boards that are going to say to stay with him just so you know.