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CanadianBrunette · Apr 5, 2006, 06:15 PM

Hello,

Yesterday my 15 yr old daughter attempted suicide and thank God, was unsuccessful. My question is this...

How do I talk to her or treat her when I go see her? I honestly can't say that would be before next week, as I just can't even consider going anywhere near the hospital yet. I'm mentally exhausted and yet still trying to work and carry on with my life to keep myself from thinking about this and becoming more depressed. Part of me wants to see her and hug her, but part of me is angry that she would consider doing this to her and to her family and friends and makes me not want to go see her. I also don't want her to think that I don't love her though, by not going.

Has anyone ever had to deal with something like this before? I appreciate all feedback and stuff.. oh, and by the way, yes, I am currently already in counselling to try to deal with how I am coping with her mental illness.

Thanks

Fr_Chuck · Apr 5, 2006, 07:12 PM

First you have to stop worrying about you, and how you are dealing with this.

Next you need to talk to the doctors treating her and see when they want or need you to visit her.

Also you need to talk to them and see what they want you to say or not to say. Also there may be possible family counseling that needs to be done but only with the doctors believe it is needed.

fredg · Apr 6, 2006, 05:10 AM

Hi,
I congratulate you on being in counseling. Talking with others is one of the best ways to handle something like this. Just be there for her, and her doctors, I am sure, will suggest some groups, or other help, for her. The hospital also should have some information about group help for situations like this.
I do wish you the best, and hope it all turns out OK.

JoeCanada76 · Apr 6, 2006, 05:51 AM

First of all, All your daughter needs is UNCONDITONAL LOVE. There is a reason why she is there. There is some issues that need to be brought out in the open. It could be family problems, school problems , etc... Who really knows, but if there is not communication and then there is no way of knowing. For her to know that family excepts her always, no matter what. For you to be there and support her as a mother is important. If you do not think of her, over yourself then that could be part of the problem.

Joe

CaptainForest · Apr 6, 2006, 01:55 PM

I agree with the other posters.

Why are you waiting until next week? Don't let her sit there and wonder why her mother isn't visiting. Perhaps then she will think no one does want her/love her and might try killing herself again.

Go to her, don't judge her, don't yell at her (deal with all that in counselling).

In the mean time, just be there for her. Sit with her, hug her, read to her or whatever. But, make sure you are physically present. That will go a long way.

As a mother, you have to put your child's best interest in this case over your own.

jduke44 · Apr 6, 2006, 02:01 PM

I agree with the other posters as well. There are times when you need to take of oyurself and there are times when you need to put your own needs aside. This is a time you need to put your needs aside. As Joe had said there is a reason why she tried to commit suicide, who really knows what that reason is except her. You need to love her, unconditionally. Of course, take Fr Chuck's advice to talk to the doctors. They should agree you need to be there pronto for her. A 15yr old's life could be confusing. She needs help sorting thngs out. Let us know how you made out. Good Luck!

orange · Apr 6, 2006, 02:14 PM

Your daughter needs you right now. If you don't go to the hospital to visit her right away, she's going to take that as a sign of rejection, and that will make her even more depressed. Remember too that depression is an illness that often has biological causes, so there's a good chance that she either was not in control of herself or wasn't thinking clearly when she attempted suicide. If she was an older person and had lung cancer, you wouldn't refuse to see her would you? And yet someone with lung cancer has usually "brought it on themselves" due to years of smoking. In any event, it will do no good if you blame and disapprove of her now. Best to forgive her and try to be as supportive as possible in this difficult time.

I understand your angry perfectly. My biological mom was mentally ill and attempted suicide several times. But you need to put that aside. This is your child and she needs you to be there for her.

milliec · Apr 7, 2006, 03:08 PM

Oh Dear!
She didn't do anything to OTHERS!
She did it to herself!
She probably was in a very desperate situation, maybe she felt lonely, unwanted, not needed, in the way, whatever. Follow your instincts: hold and hug her - that's the first thing she needs: you're he mother, not her landlady od neighbor.
It wise to ask doctors what to say and how to approach her, BUT: the first and most important thing she needs is just UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
Don't judge her - why should any of us judge anyone?
Be loving and strong, and warm and soft, and reassuring.
Let us know how both of you are doing.
Love,
Millie

milliec · Apr 8, 2006, 03:50 AM

My dear!
You never left my thoughts.
I think that the whole thing put you in a state of shock.
You too, need immediate help, but I think the love you'll give your daughter at this moment, will mean help to your pain and shock as well.
All the best,
Millie

CanadianBrunette · Apr 8, 2006, 06:17 PM

Here's an update...

I tried going to the hospital to see her on Thursday, but they wouldn't let me see her. I couldn't even wave to her through the glass when she was in the TV room. I brought things for her... basic necessities, her favourite shampoo, etc... I couldn't help but feel upset when I left though.

She called me today. It was nice to hear her. She asked about the family, her kitty cats and if any of her friends called. I explained that I was there, but they wouldn't let me see her. She told me they that I could come anytime..? She didn't seem to understand why they would tell her one thing and tell me another. I will be sure to discuss this with the psychologist on the ward on Tuesday when I go for an appointment... and hopefully a visit with my daughter.

We had a nice chat on the phone, I told her I missed her and loved her and that her kitties missed her. She seemed more concerned about how I was doing, as she knows that I too, suffer from depression and anxiety and have been treated fro this for the last 4 years.

Anyway, enough of my rambling... just wanted to give you all an update to let you know I am trying to help her... but it's also not easy for me, since I have the same mental illness that seems to run through our whole family.

orange · Apr 8, 2006, 06:27 PM

Thanks so much for the update. Them not letting you see her is odd. Was it outside of visiting hours? Did you ask for an explanation? You'd think they would have discussed it with you or her. Surely they don't think you're a threat? I would have felt upset too!

My husband is a doctor and he took his residency at the psychiatric ward in our city. The only time a relative was not allowed to see someone in the ward was if they had previously been causing trouble and upset to the person, in the ward itself. Also occasionally, if the relative has a severe mental illness themselves, they are not allowed to visit. It doesn't sound though like your mental illness is severe, and since you hadn't even been to the ward yet, it makes no sense. I'm glad you're talking to the psychologist about it. I would even be tempted to call the nurses station and ask if my daughter was allowed to have any visitors, without mentioning my name. It sounds a bit fishy to me.

In any event, take care and hang in there, and continue to keep us updated. I hope you will get to see your daughter soon. I think it's a good sign that she called you.

JoeCanada76 · Apr 8, 2006, 09:55 PM

In my own opinion, my feeling is that maybe they do not think it is a good time for the daughter to see the mother. Maybe they feel that she could aggravate or make the problem with her daughter worse. Everybody in this situation needs guidance. Does sound fishy though, being told different things. Should investigate with the doctors and try to get a straight answer from them on what is going on. You do have that right as her mother.

milliec · Apr 9, 2006, 12:48 AM

I too agree that you should find out what's going on.
While a lot of speculations can be made about the possible reason for being told not to visit her for the time being, I can't understand why she what told the opposite thing.
In any case, it's good you'll talk things over with your psychologist , and in any case it's good you've talked to your daughter.
She seems to be like a wonderful girl - caring so much about others, at these hard times.
THANK YOU very much for letting us know how you both are.
Please let us know how you both are doing.
All the best,
Millie :)