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plonak · Jul 23, 2008, 01:43 PM

I think for you to really move on and get those hopes out of your head is too fully and complelty know it's over and know that you two cannot work... If you're always holding on to that hope, you're never ever going to heal ever.. I suggest you sit down by yourself.. and maybe pray to your higher being, and ask him to help you move on.. actually say to yourself "it is over, we are done and I will move on" but truly believe it..

Until you do that, you are going to be miserable..

I know it's the same thing you've heard, but girl, it's really the only thing that helps..

Redphoenix · Jul 23, 2008, 02:33 PM

I am sorry. That sounds a bit like me at one point my BF took me ring shopping and had me get my ring sized. Then out of no where a few weeks later he says that I am the reason we can't get married and if I ever bring it up again he would leave. He said I was trying to trap him into marriage. When he was the one who brought it up--- it hurts it hurts real bad.
I don't think that guys like that can be realistic and I don't think they care enough about us to know when they hurt us. I hope he comes back to you since you still love him but try to move on.

HopeDiesLast · Jul 23, 2008, 07:03 PM

Thanks redphoenix... its hard to tell what happens now, you know. Its not like I'm in his head. I think he'll realize because he's smart... but it might be denial talking and he just might not be ready. Or confused.
I've seen it happen where the ex leaves and you move on to something bigger and better... and I've seen them realize and come back... who knows. Only time will tell.

HopeDiesLast · Jul 28, 2008, 05:47 AM

I've heard from so many sources about timing and readiness to take a long term relationship to the next level (engagement, marriage, etc.). So which is it? Is it more so about someone's readiness to go there? Or about timing? Or both?
If my ex wasn't ready, was it that he wasn't ready with ME or ready in general? Or could it be a combinations of his readiness, timing, the right person?
Opinions appreciated!

dragnlady5 · Jul 28, 2008, 06:08 AM

It isn't a matter of being ready with one person to get married. It is being ready mentally and maturity wise. I know 40 year old men who aren't ready to settle down. As far as timing I don't think that has anything to do with it.

talaniman · Jul 28, 2008, 08:06 AM

It takes all the above, and some luck!

JBeaucaire · Jul 28, 2008, 09:02 AM

If my ex wasn't ready, was it that he wasn't ready with ME or ready in general? Or could it be a combinations of his readiness, timing, the right person?

Your questions are very wise.

Yes, you are correct. It could be any of those things and/or combinations thereof. The really important question is actually for you.

How much time do you spend continuing after someone you care about but things aren't going well with? We all have our answers, but what's yours? What is your reasonable time commitment before moving on? What's reasonable to you?

I dated a girl for two years once, we were even engaged, and we still ended it since we knew our love would actually keep us from doing the things we most wanted to do in life. We realized love wasn't enough and ended it amicably.

Another girl I pursued for quite some time before she finally went out with me, but after that things DID go well, we were well-suited and now we've been married for 23 years.

It's about being honest about where you are in the "test" process. If this guy wasn't ready FOR WHATEVER REASON, you have to be pragmatic. It's not like you are pursuing him newly, you two actually got into it, right?

I'd suggest stopping this deep-post-analysis about HIM, and stay focused on your own goals, aspirations, ambitions, and needs in a growing relationship.

Tal is right, it takes a bit of luck, too, to find someone you like, is compatible, is willing to take the plunge... all at the same time. But what a great journey to that person!

Andrew916 · Jul 28, 2008, 09:09 AM

There are sooooo many conditions that have to be right before you can take it to that next level. Not only is there the maturity, timing, level of connectedness, and countless other factors, but you must also be able to support each other- financially. You may love each other more than anything in the world but many marriages don't work out because of financial problems. Just make sure that you're prepared to go through hell and back with this person and know that nothing like this will be a walk in the park. Marriage is a beautiful thing but it's a struggle at times. (I might have fallen a bit off subject on this one but I think I made some valid points) ;)

HopeDiesLast · Jul 28, 2008, 09:09 AM

I guess I don't know the answer to that. I don't know when to let go. I'm afraid. Afraid it was a mistake, afraid I don't know what's going to happen next, mostly. I know I can't waste my time waiting for someone who may never come back... but I know what I want.
I want someone who appreciates what I do for them and for us, someone who is willing to put effort in as much as I am, someone who knows what they want and takes steps to get there... I am right where I need to be in my life. I just want someone to be here with me.

Sammie66 · Jul 28, 2008, 11:25 AM

Bad timing is what I was told my relationship was about. I was scared to commit at the start, and she adored me like nobody ever has, then by the time I was ready, she had moved on to someone else and left me. It HURT.

I just wonder what love is about sometimes. Is it just the girl or guy you spend most of your time with? My ex started seeing her workmate the day she dumped me. They obviously spent all of their time together at work while I was waiting at home for her.

brkfstatiffs · Jul 28, 2008, 02:34 PM

I think he needs to first be ready in general, then then be ready with you. If he's not ready with you, he should make that clear so you guys are on the same page. It might be too late to ask him now, but if you two just broke up, I don't think asking him via email or something would be bad - just for your own piece of mind. I've learned that timing has a lot to do with relationships, but I 've also learned those men who aren't willing to work things out when things get rough, aren't worth it in the first place.

HopeDiesLast · Jul 31, 2008, 06:02 AM

Why can't I just accept that sometimes people's needs change? Maybe they THOUGHT this was what they wanted... but it isn't.
My head knows that's the answer... my heart can't accept it.
How do I do that?

bman800 · Jul 31, 2008, 10:45 AM

More info we need to know some more details to help

Romefalls19 · Jul 31, 2008, 10:48 AM

Yep we need some more info

Fr_Chuck · Jul 31, 2008, 10:55 AM

A relationship does not just happen, and while people change, if they are working on the relationship, it grows together, they put the "we" before the "I" if they do that in all things, they will have a wonderful relationship. If not, well the priesthood is still hiring.

HopeDiesLast · Jul 31, 2008, 11:27 AM

Originally Posted by HopeDiesLast

Why can't i just accept that sometimes people's needs change? Maybe they THOUGHT this was what they wanted....but it isnt.
My head knows thats the answer....my heart can't accept it.
How do i do that?

My boyfriend and I were always on the same page as far as a future- we established when we got serious that we wanted a family, future, wedding someday... the whole nine yards. We talked about marriage comfortably but I always said that if he felt pressured to let me know.
2 and a half yrs later he's ending it... yes in hindsight I see some issues we needed to face together, and I was willing to work and put the effort in. but he just wasn't. He decided he didn't want to try anymore...
So my question is... how can someone just decide that this relationship isn't worth the effort to them?
My head knows that peoples feelings just change, sometimes inexplicably, but my heart can't accept that. I keep thinking he will realize and come back. And its holding me back from letting him go :(

HopeDiesLast · Jul 31, 2008, 11:41 AM

By the way Fr Chuck- he thinks relationships "flow"... yeah, I know ridiculous. He didn't think we should have to work THAT hard. Which I agree with to a point, but when IM working and he's NOT... I don't see his point!!

enigmagnetic · Jul 31, 2008, 03:16 PM

Originally Posted by HopeDiesLast

Why can't i just accept that sometimes people's needs change? Maybe they THOUGHT this was what they wanted....but it isnt.
My head knows thats the answer....my heart can't accept it.
How do i do that?

You know. In my years, and through tumultous self discovery, mistakes I've made, observance, 4 years of college, several failed relationships, a misplaced engagement ring, I've come to believe that peoples NEEDS rarely change. What seems to change, in reality, is their PERCEPTION of those needs. In other words, it isn't WHAT I NEED that changes, but an understanding of WHO I am, and an understanding of how to actually fill those needs that I have.

Your head knows what you've experienced, your heart will never understand it, and acceptance is only gained through time and experience. Sorry there's no magic button. You'll be OK, allright?

HopeDiesLast · Jul 31, 2008, 03:27 PM

Thanks enigmagnetic

enigmagnetic · Jul 31, 2008, 03:29 PM

Originally Posted by HopeDiesLast

thanks enigmagnetic

You're welcome. I've been there. You'll be allright. Never look back OK? Start living your life for you and building it made of brick so when the right person comes along they will realize how great you are and they will want to hold on for dear life!