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double dutch · Jul 20, 2008, 11:26 PM

My 19 year old refuses to get a full-time job. He had a really good job and decided that the job wasn't good enough for him since most of the individuals he was employed with were much older than he was and they didn't seem to have anything going for them; at that point he ascertained that he would no longer work a full-time job because he didn't want to be poor, broke and disgusted like other working class folk.

He decided to quit his job and pretty much sale real-estate. He was attending real-estate classes while working his full-time job, even taking off to attend these classes and trainings. I knew that he was going to remove himself from his place of employment because he started speaking about the job negatively. The people were poor, the people didn't have what he wanted to have, the supervisor was always on his back, and the list of complaints continue on and on.

His father and I expressed to him that real-estate isn't something that is going to bring your bank account to hallelujah status overnight, yet he continued to pursue his dream of being a big, wealthy, real-estate tycoon. We supported him by allowing him to continue his residence here with his family with one condition, he pay his way. Needless to say, we were so persistent in his paying his way, despite his wanting to reside at home for free, that he finally conceded to the plan... which in his eyes was a plan devised by two parents who didn't understand his desire to be a real-estate tycoon.

He spent most of his hard earned money paying for the real-estate classes. I even took him to these classes and retrieved him from the classes because his car was in the shop. Was he thankful, hardly, he was more or less tainted with the attitude that his father and I were supposed to do this for him since we are his parents. He did say thank you, he offered to give gas from time to time, but not on his own, I had to mention it in anger when I discerned his lack of appreciation and his ideals of being entitled to this help that we were offering him.

To make a long story short, we have 5 other children to care for. One of whom is 18 and has decided to do his own thing in our home, but our CHILDREN (four of them) are still in school and one of them is just a 6 month old infant. We are not burdened by our two older children living with us, we just want them to pay their way.

Our 19 year old has had a series of jobs that he states were leading him to the road of nothingness. Despite our encouragement for him to continue in the work force he has decided that he WILL NOT do such an impoverishing thing.

We have had him sign contracts to pay, talked to him from time to time (conversations which he absolutely hates), set deadlines for him to leave (yet he is still here) and to no avail.

Now, to bring you up to speed (this story is far longer than I care to type and far longer than you care to read), he has worked numerous part time jobs, quit them all except for one. When we told him that he had to leave at the end of the month of July he quit his full-time job (mc donalds), cancelled all of his college courses and works part-time in the evenings. My husband gave him and ultimatum, you go to work full-time or you can't live here. He gave us a resounding NO!! He literally said, "I WILL NOT get a full-time job because it is a waste of time. the real-estate market will pick up. i am not going to quit."

Well, we don't want him to quit, we want him to be responsible. We want him to own up to what a man really is. Even though we all know that paying rent doesn't necessarily make you a man, just means that you are paying your rent. We don't want him to go, but he is riding this for all that is worth and isn't worth. Talking to him is not working, he is stubborn and set in his ways. We are at a standstill heartwise but physically we are ready to put him out. We did explain to him that we are NOT putting him out but he made the decision when he decided that he would not get a job.

He has paid his rent in the past, reluctantly that is, and there have been times where we have had to let it pass. But he is at it again, not paying his rent but making sure that he has enough gas to get his girlfriend from work, take her to work, run errands for her and her family, his cell phone... we even pay for his car insurance.

Okay... enough of the first child... now the 18 year old.

Just turned 18 in April but decided (as they both did) that 18 is the special number. He tries to hang out and not tell us where he is going. A few times he has come in late. We told him to save his money and buy a car cash because he has other obligations. Well, we went on vacation and came back home and he had a car. With gas, insurance, car note, his obligations are about 650 a month. That doesn't include all of his other payments for cell phones and such.

Husband gave him an ultimatum, give the car back or you have to go. He decided to keep the car. In his mind his car has bought his freedom and freedom means being an adult. Well, there are certain things you can't do here because of our younger children.

He doesn't do his chores, only recently he began to do them.

So, do we let them go or do we wait for them to get it together? 18 year old has been working full-time. Made 2 rent payments. This month can't make payment because he can't afford it. Well, if he were on his own he would have to afford it.

Why does this have to be so difficult?

double dutch

rsain2004 · Jul 20, 2008, 11:49 PM

Perhaps they are accustomed to being "rescued" by "mom" or "dad". Part of growing up, is learning "Mom and Dad aren't here "forever", at some point they will pass...If kids can't care for themselves by then...who will?" All the best, May God bless you...

Wondergirl · Jul 20, 2008, 11:58 PM

Why are both of them still living at home? Didn't you already give ultimatums?

double dutch · Jul 21, 2008, 12:11 AM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Why are both of them still living at home? Didn't you already give ultimatums?

Yes, but we feel so bad about them moving out and having no place to go. They knew they had to leave at the end of the month and one son quit his job and is only working long enough to pay for what he needs, cell, gas, and that is about it. Our other son is broke from paying bills this week. His own bills of course.

Do you think it is right to make him give the car back?

Not only that, they need a cosigner on the apartment and we don't want to do that.

Oldest son doesn't hold a job to pay any rent and we don't want him to be a burden on his brother.

double dutch

double dutch · Jul 21, 2008, 12:12 AM

Originally Posted by rsain2004

Perhaps they are accustomed to being "rescued" by "mom" or "dad". Part of growing up, is learning "Mom and Dad aren't here "forever", at some point they will pass...If kids can't care for themselves by then...who will?" All the best, May God bless you...

You are asbsolutely right. Hubby and I were talking about that and I have rescued them. Makessense, but who would have ever thought.

Wondergirl · Jul 21, 2008, 12:18 AM

We feel so bad about them moving out
We feel so bad about them having no place to go

Um, give them a new ultimatum and stick to it. No third chances.

double dutch · Jul 21, 2008, 12:23 AM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Um, give them a new ultimatum and stick to it. No third chances.

This will be more than the third time we have talked to them and have expected them to live up to responsibility.

Wondergirl · Jul 21, 2008, 12:26 AM

Originally Posted by double dutch

this will be more than the third time we have talked to them and have expected them to live up to responsibility.

Then make the next time the last time. And stick to it. Surprise them.

N0help4u · Jul 21, 2008, 04:56 AM

Tell him you are giving him a real estate lesson if he doesn't get responsible and give him a written eviction notice. (length varies by state) and then if he still doesn't leave follow through at your district court. They will send the constable to remove him. And he will have a real live lesson in evictions to add to his real estate classes.

Fr_Chuck · Jul 21, 2008, 05:09 AM

At 18 you let them fail, having a car is often almost needed to work and do other things, but they have to have one they can afford, not a 400 dollar a month car but maybe a few 1000 dollar one. After that, you let them fail. Let the car get repo'ed if they don't pay for it. The one seems to think or has fallen for the get rich quick and not working for what you get. So

double dutch · Jul 21, 2008, 10:18 AM

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

at 18 you let them fail, having a car is often almost needed to work and do other things, but they have to have one they can afford, not a 400 dollar a month car but maybe a few 1000 dollar one. After that, you let them fail. Let the car get repo'ed if they don't pay for it. The one seems to think or has fallen for the get rich quick and not working for what you get. So

Sounds like a workable plan. Here is the thing, how long should he stay since he has this car that he can't afford. He is determined to pay that car note, but he can't pay his rent.

N0help4u · Jul 21, 2008, 10:33 AM

Let him take his car and find somewhere else to lay his head.

double dutch · Jul 21, 2008, 01:59 PM

Now the oldest car needs about 800 in repairs and the air conditioning is not working. And trust me, we need the air.

liz28 · Jul 21, 2008, 03:00 PM

If the car needs to be fix then let them repair it. If you allow someone to walk over you then will, including your kids. They don't take your serious nor care about the things you do for them, they might think you suppose to do it. You don't want your other kids to follow so let them get a dose of the real world and become men. Time to go! Your be surpise how fast they might land on their feet. Stop giving them choices and walk on their own feet.

aliciag940 · Jul 21, 2008, 03:08 PM

You need to let them figure things out on their own for once! You may have given them ultimatums in the past, but since you did not follow through with them before, they probably figure that you never will!

N0help4u · Jul 21, 2008, 03:11 PM

Especially when you gave them fair warning repeatedly
At this point you are better off telling them that if they had paid you rent and helped out financially you would have saved money up to where you could afford to give them money to repair the car but money doesn't grow on trees and you do not have it to spare.

If they do not see the consequences of taking advantage then they will continue to take advantage. I wouldn't give him any money especially when he is not using the car to get to work or even seriously look. He might promise you he will if you fix it but I bet if you fell for that he would go back on his word and keep saying tomorrow (the tomorrow that never comes!

JBeaucaire · Jul 21, 2008, 06:28 PM

If you really, REALLY love your kids, you will let them experience the consequences of their choices. FULLY experience them.

You do harm to your children every time you protect them from themselves.

My children are allowed to pursue any avenue of life or priority they want. At age 18, in our home, the rules became "adult" rules and they both ended up having to leave. Good for them.

Your kids can come home for a "visit" any time they want, and stay for a couple of days, but more than that they contribute to the household first. FIRST.

Cell phones, car payments, financially needy friends, all those come after the rent AND household chores (both are required for adults). Miss either, and the bags are packed and on the porch waiting. I'll even pay a nights motel stay if needed.

But grownups EXPERIENCE their choices. Family is for refuge when the universe has conspired against you and you need help. It's NOT for shirking your own character and responsibilities.

Sorry, but the right thing to do is push these baby birds from the nest and let them flap or fall.

tolerance · Jul 21, 2008, 07:16 PM

My 19 year old refuses to get a full-time job.
He refuses because he knows mom and dad will help him out so why kill himself for working.

He has paid his rent in the past, reluctantly that is, and there have been times where we have had to let it pass. But he is at it again, not paying his rent but making sure that he has enough gas to get his girlfriend from work, take her to work, run errands for her and her family, his cell phone... we even pay for his car insurance.

This shows where his priories lies. Maybe he should live with the girlfriend and her family. When rent was not paid by him your should not have let it pass because in the real world no rent you get evicted.

Okay... enough of the first child... now the 18 year old.we told him to save his money and buy a car cash because he has other obligations. Well, we went on vacation and came back home and he had a car. Husband gave him an ultimatum, give the car back or you have to go. He decided to keep the car.

Your husband should have stuck by his ultimatum but when he did not, which I bet you son knew he wouldn't, the son knew he could get away with it but have your pay his note.

I sorry but this kids will not take your seriously and probably laugh at your behind your backs. How much more are your willing to take or more money are you going put out for them? If you afford a car, and all the responsibility along with it, then take the bus or ride a bike. You live by your financial means not others. When I was 18 my mom made me pay $250 in rent a month and I thought that was high until I moved out. Whenever I was late a late fee applied and when I didn't pay one month she pack all my things, while I was at work, and I made a payment at the end of the day. Also, I brought food and paid half electric bill and cable. My mom was tough but I thank her because it taught me how to budget my money.

It's never to late to put your foot now and let the ride end here. Your are mom and dad and they're living under your roof, but its time for them to find another. Maybe they should live together. Stop paying for stuff for them.

ms williams · Jul 22, 2008, 11:44 PM

My daughter is 19 (20 in dec.) she graduated @17. She hung out had a good time and did a semester of college. Once she turned 18 and was not working and only going to school part time, I told her I did not mind her staying home but she had to go to school (even just 1or 2 classes) and get a part time job . If she chose not to do that she would have to move out and that would mean a full time job for sure. She has been working ever since and is finally moving out in 2 weeks. It took some poking and prodding but she got out there and got a job she liked and has met a lot of cool people. She went through 2 jobs before she found the one she has been at for 10 months now. It will happen if he wants $, a car and phone. Once my daughter got a job I asked for $40 a month towards her cell. I'm proud of her.
I did give her a time line of 1 month to find a job or she had to go. I also advised her when she started in' about not liking a job that she was at, not to quite until she had found a new one. That worked well. She has had 3 jobs and never unemployed between any of them.

Andrew916 · Jul 23, 2008, 07:50 AM

I'm seventeen and I too used to think I'm entitled to everything in the world- I thought I DESERVED it. I didn't. What my parents had to do was cut off all monetary support and had me pay for EVERYTHING. I learned real quick that I had to my act together. It sounds like you're in the situation. If you say you'll do something, make sure do it- don't back down. We'll read into that and see, "oh, they won't really do it." you need to shock them with the truth that the world will demand things of them and not the other way around. I thinks it's time for you to hit them with a bit of tough love. Like I said, I'm seventeen- I know what they see and what my parents did worked on someone just like them- me! Already, I have a full-time job with a national defense contractor, creating 3d models of their products and helping to design new ones. Not many teenagers can say that. Tell you're 19 year old that no job is above or below him. It's just a job- if it pays the bills- take it, at least until a better one comes along. He has visions of grandeur and sadly- the likeliness that you'll get him to see that it won't make him a tycoon is very remote. It may be hard for you to see, but teenagers learn best from their mistakes so I think it's best if you let them take a fall. It's when we fall that we wake up and open our eyes to the realities of life. Remember- be firm and don't cave in. they definitely won't like it at first but I can guarantee they'll thank you down the road when they are successful! Best of luck-

Drew