[darlin_nicole]

Hello. Thanks for taking the time to read my post! Let me first say that I love my husband. He is a wonderful man and I really do feel connected to him. I will never leave him, and I have never cheated on him. That said, I think I am in love with our good friend. My husband and I spend a lot of time with this other couple. I love them both but it feels like there is something else going on. I am really attracted to the other man but not so much in a physical way (I mean I do fantasize, but more about us confessing our love) more in an intimate way. I love talking to him and we have the same sense of humor. My husband and his wife also seem to have a little bit of a connection. It doesn't bother me, I just don't want anything to happen that would ruin our marriages OR the friendship - but I still do fantasize about confessing to him about how much I care about him. I wish I could spend more time with him. I obsess about whether he loves me back (I actually came on the site to ask if he loves me or not). I am not really sure what my question is. I just need advice and to unload. I can't share this with anyone because even though he wouldn't know about it, I feel like talking about it at all is a betrayal to my husband and he would hate it if other people knew about this. I am NOT willing to put any distance between us and this couple. We have kids the same age and I just adore the time we spend together (even with his wife and I alone). (Just to clarify, we are NOT partner swapping kind of people! :) Thanks

[Catseyes]

Hi,

How long have you known each other ? ( the question is both for your husband and the friend )

Is this situation just some kind of a crush ?
Or some kind of a fantasy ? What I mean is you can just dream about it to change your routine. Just a little spice.
Also, most people fantasize, but it doesn't mean they will act.
I mean, I like Brad Pitt or Mark Wahlberg. But it doesn't mean I do not love my husband. I can wonder what I would do if Brad knocks on my door : if it makes me dream a bit, it doesn't hurt anyone.

Are you really willing to take the risk of losing your husband ?
And, there are absolutely no guarantees that the other guys likes you back in that way.

[fredg]

Hi, darlin,
Thank you for asking a question here, and Welcome to this site.
Just so you will know where I'm coming from, I was divorced after my first 7 yrs. Of marriage... waited 3 yrs, and now married for 29 yrs to a wonderful woman.
You could be playing with "fire". It really depends on far you want to go with this "love" for another man. It's your choice. When you say "I will never leave him", I do hope you are serious about it, and stick to that.
Meantime, your relationship with another man, no matter if he is married or not, will depend completely on you. I would suggest NOT doing anything to encourge anything!
My wife and I have had good friends all our lives, but nothing to "think about" being in love with someone else. I wouldn't want to make a decision like that!
I really think talking with your husband about this would be good; having an open and honest talk. Get it out in the open, and discuss it. I do wish you the very best, and hang in there.

[kp2171]

wow. Well... kudos for having the willpower to hold out so far here.

I'm not one to believe that we have one "soul mate" on this earth... (isn't it funny how they always seem to end up in a town you live in sometime in your life)... and if there is only one person for you, out of a few billion people, then you're quite the picky person.

this is about being selfish. That is not always a bad thing. You need to be selfish to some degree... otherwise you lose yourself to the other that you concede to. And even in marriage, if you are not selfish and get some fundamental needs met, the vow is likely to be defeated by the desire.

so... lets assume not only do you love your husband, as you said, but that there are not gaping holes that need to be patched... that you have some of the ups and downs of any relationship and that for the most part you are on the same page.

well... this comes down to what is most important to you, and what do you want the outcome to be? Telling your friend how you feel is the selfish thing I mentioned... you obviously could love him and not tell him. If you are compelled to share this you are filling a selfish need for that love to be recognized, validated. We do this whenever we enter any relationship (emotional or physical)... we don't want to be the only one feeling that way.

your telling him and sharing this to try to boost the relationship to another level, even if it is just emotional, is a step toward the defeat of your marriage. You know how serious this is. Take that step and you are spinning the chamber and pulling the trigger. I'm not going to even try to decide what is right for you. I do not live your life, feel your feelings...

but this is where the commitment to marriage is about a promise. This is where it is work. This is where you deny yourself raising this other relationship level up a notch if the marriage is something you want to maintain.

I can tell you there have been two people I have distanced myself from out of respect for my marriage. Both with whom the attraction was probably mostly physical, but there were connections there emotionally that I also refused to develop. Your connection is on a deeper level, and with a couple that you both have vested relationships with. Not so easy to simply back away.

well... the answer is you need to do a few things then if you want your marriage to last. You need to find comfort in being able to connect to others while honoring the commitment of your marriage. You need to find ways to channel your emotional energy more toward your marriage and less toward this other man. And you need to be satisfied with what you have.

so *poof* make it happen, right? =)

sorry. No remedy here that doesn't take work.

its OK to love another. It isn't OK to develop that relationship further, thinking you are still honoring your marriage. And as I said earlier, no one can tell you what is right for you.

[milliec]

hi catseyes, don't play with fire!
if you really love your husband and value your family, don't jeopardize this!
whatever you might think this guy is feeling for you, is irrelevant:it could very well be the illusion created by your fantasy. You might lose your family, and these good friends you have both as a couple, and as a woman (with his wife) it might very well be a fata morgana created by
the -blessed!-stability you have with your husband, which might have landed you on the shores of boredom. Maybe you two need some excitement ? Do you lack the adrenalin, miss your heart pounding?
usually I agree with fred's answers, but this time I don't share all he says: approaching your husband with the subject might be right if your husband was fred, or like fred, but it might not be right for your husband -and after all you wrote here to have it off your chest. Write here, get our support,and invest all your energy in your marriage.
write when you feel you need it.
good luck,
millie

[Catseyes]

Millec :Why are you saying I shouldn't play with fire ?
In case you did not read carefully, I am not the one thinking about an affair.

I just tried to help Nicole by asking her a few questions so that she can decide for herself.
All I said is that it is normal to fantasize. A fantasy is a fantasy : it is supposed to remain a dream.

[JoeCanada76]

SHE was probably answering the question for Nicole but got the names mixed up.

[milliec]

Sorry Catseyes,
Jesushelper is right: I got the names wrong - I DO APOLOGIZE !
By the way : I'm a she (and there's NO need to apologize)
Millie

[darlin_nicole]

Thanks so much for all this advice. I took something away from each reply! I definitely need to re-evaluate the feelings I have for this other man. I wonder though, if it is possible for me to shift the feelings into a more plutonic love? I know it is dangerous to continue wishing for some sort of acknowledgement of feelings and that even if it happened it could crash and burn. My husband is wonderful, but he is distant sometimes. He is the type to just "clam up" when he's in a bad mood and he isn't really a conversationalist. This was a big problem after our son was born because I really felt like I lost the connection with him. That is when the relationship between me and my friend got stronger (he was going through problems with his wife too). He is much more of a talker, and we are both the kind of people who are quick to establish intimacy. Our personalities are really compatible, we have the same sense of humor - and he is tall, dark and handsome. I went to a therapist (telling my husband that it was for other issues), and he helped me come up with ways to reconnect with my husband. It worked. We are back to being partners and the passion has even returned from time to time. The relationship between my friend and his wife has improved as well, some of that I believe is due to my husband and my support and encouragement. I used to have occasion to see my friend more often by ourselves, but now we really only see each other as "couples" which seems safer. My husband and I have known these people for easily 15 years, it is just recently that we have started spending a lot of time with them. What do you guys think? Is it okay for me to try to "rechannel" the feelings into this "couple" friendship? Or is that still playing with fire? Since we started doing the couple thing, my relationship with my husband has improved, but I still think about this man quite a bit. This has been going on for at least two years. Oh, and my husband would never get over it if I told him about this. His pride would be so wounded, I don't think he would ever forgive me.

[talaniman]

You stated that you didn't want to do anything to ruin the marriages or the friendships so don't! Stay within the boundaries of marriage and friendship and enjoy the good things that come from healthy relationships. Keep your fantasies to yourself where they belong! All healthy married people have strong attractions to other people but you must recognise that acting on our lusts destroys the hard work put into family and clean living and affects everyone involved in a bad way! :cool: :)

[Fr_Chuck]

I think at all times perhaps we may have a fanticy or a thought that is not right about someone else, it is just how far we let it go, and normally if we start thinking we are in "love" with someone else, it is because we are not fully happy in the relationship we are suppose to be in. Looking for that level that is not real but found in novels and movies.

If you allow it to grow, it will destroy your relationship with your husand, no matter how hard you try. I can not suggest exactly how to handle it, distance from the other couple is the first thing that comes to mind, but I will say that even for Perfectlyhappy couples, marriage counseling can help bring them closer together, even those weekend retreats help so much.

[milliec]

Talaniman!
I couldn't agree more!
Dear Nicole, I gave things a lot of thought:
after all, you ask for help, which means you are not going to choose the easiest path.
I will try to help you look at things from a new perspective - and please forgive me if it will appear to you that I'm wrong about some issues and/or persons -remember: it's just an intellectual thing.
SUPPOSE:
your friend is open, talkative, good humoured, attentive makes you laugh, listens, cares, shows interest.
what IF: it's only with outsiders? And by this I mean everyone to whom he's not committed, and who is not committed to him! You know, there are SO many people just kike that.
What if at home he "clams up"?
please, bear with me- it might very well be .
YOU JUST NEVER KNOW!
what if HIS wife has the same problems YOU have?remember: it's just a hypothesis- just to make try and see things from a different angle - it doesn't mean that's the way they are!
I'm happy to hear about the therapist: I think you can still get a lot of help there - you've only just begun, it can still do a lot of good to all of you.
still, things might be exactly as you describe them, but usually the truth is somewhere in the middle - value what you have , and KEEP AWAY FROM FIRE!
"platonic" might be like ashes when the bonfire is over: you might still get your fingers burnt, and remember that it only takes a weak wind to light up the fire , again!
good luck, and take really good care of yourself!
still: try to do something to bring more excitement to your marriage.
consider going to therapy WITH you husband' to try to improve your relationship with him,
were here for you,
millie:)

[darlin_nicole]

I agree with you, but I still feel guilty for having these fantasies/feelings in the first place. I would feel hurt if my husband was attracted to and fantasizing about another woman, although he very well might be. I guess I feel like the ideal would be that I save those feelings only for my husband and vice versa. I guess that if I continue to avoid seeing this man unless I am with other people then the chances are low that anything could happen. I just wish I could stop thinking about him!

Millie, you are exactly right. Intellectually I know that each new person comes with a unique new set of problems and issues and to be honest, I am pretty sure that I would not be as happy with this guy as I am with my husband for a variety of reasons. For some reason though, that doesn't stop me from thinking about him so much. It is a crush, as someone else put it. Maybe I just like how I feel when I am around him because he makes me feel more likeable and attractive than my husband does after all these years. I think sometimes that I get too much of myself esteem from other people and that is part of the problem. The feeling I get when he laughes at my joke, or seems pleased with what I've said is simply intoxicating.

[talaniman]

I bet it is ,but quit the guilt trip and just enjoy being human like the rest of us.We all get the same feelings>Stay in your boundaries and you'll have no reason to feel guilty.:cool: :)

[darlin_nicole]

So - it isn't a betrayal of my husband as long as it stays "my secret" (except for you guys)?

[kp2171]

You haven't betrayed him. You are strongly attracted toward another.

But you stated you came here to decide whether to ask him if he loves you. That crosses a line, in my book.

I know of at least one guy my wife is quite attracted to. She's not really into getting attention all the time, but I know its flattering to have another give you attention. And when we go out w friends its not uncommon for her to find and talk to new people, and not uncommon for another guy to start flirting. I've had friends come up to me in disbelief, thinking I should do something. Well... she's having fun, she's wearing her ring, and as long as the guys don't push it, I won't step in.

The problem is, you don't trust yourself alone with him. I trust my wife alone with anyone. You are wondering and fantasizing about taking the relationship further (even if its on just an emotional level). Well... again, once it begins to suck energy out of making your marriage better, then you're, in my mind, neglecting your marriage for another.

My wife has a naughty saying: "i don't get in trouble for things i almost do"

You are riding this line a bit. Don't feel guilty about finding happiness in anothers attention, but you're talking about love.

When in doubt, ask yourself would your spouse be hurt and with good cause if they knew the truth. If the answer is yes, you are probably on dangerous ground. Its probably not OK to pursue such actions.

Don't beat yourself up like mad, but even if its just "your secret"... well, I'm still worried that its can take attention away from the relationship that deserves attention.

[milliec]

Hi kp2171!
I couldn't agree more!
I think you've just managed to express better than I did what I had in mind.
Fantasies and harmless flirting are one thing, but when one takes attention for love, and when all the emotional energy is drained elsewhere else, the main relationship is in danger.
trusting your wife the way yo do, is not only a sign that you think highly of her values, but it also shows that you also have a healthy self esteem.
And that's why I still think that you, Nicole, should continue to be helped by a therapist so that you'll pass safely through this difficult time of your life.
Mille :)

[Skinwhite]

I think what you are feeling is okay and somewhat natural, but when it starts interfering with your marriage - you will need to slow down these couple get togethers, and possibly stop.
When I say interfering with your marriage - I mean things like comparing him to your husband to the point where the little things that your husband does annoy you now when they used to not before. If you find yourself constantly comparing(mentally), it will become very unhealthy for your relationship.

You should never tell this guy about your feelings, because by telling him you will create awkwardness or even worse a possible avenue to act on these feelings.

A little flirting here and there is okay, but if it overwhelms your ability to have a healthy marriage and if it takes up too much of your capacity in thoughts - then u need to steer clear.

Also I said this in another post, but marriage tends to get routine, monotonous, and redundant - when someone new comes along things seem exciting, but like you acknowledged - it's not because the guy is someone u want to be with. He's just someone different to get attention from, and breaks up the routine.

You need to also be aware the wife is going to be noticing this too... I can always sense any tension between females and my husband - and you better believe I'm watching, even if I don't appear to be!! If you value this friendship, then keep these feelings in check.

Oh yes, and avoid any opportunities of being on your own with him like the plague and I would make sure the same is avoided with your hubby and his wife. Trust is good and all... but avoiding situations is better!

How long has the friendship been going on? Sounds new.

[fredg]

Hi, darlin,
No, you are not betraying your husband with thoughts about someone else.
How many of us have wondered at one time or another, about someone else.
These are normal thoughts. The trick is, don't let your "thinking" keep you from thinking about things that are really important with your marriage; like trust, honesty, compromise, and real love.

[jwpowless]

Some thoughts to consider... our mates get tarnished, so to speak, because we live so closely to them. We see our spouse at their best, their worst, and at their most boring points. A fantasy guy is just that. He would fade after you see him in the morning with bad hair and B.O. He would fade after he snaps at you, says hurtful things, is a bore, whatever. He is on his best or at least better behavior around you because you are NOT his wife. It is not at all fair to compare him to your husband! You can't really compare anyone you have not been married to to your current husband!

Enjoy your fantasy, but it would be ruined if you actually acted on it. The more you can see the qualities of the guy you like in the fantasy in your real husband, the happier you will be.