[Temper11]

Me and my girlfriend have been together for nearly two years now, for the last few months things have become pretty horrible, many things happened along the way that I never found out until later had hurt her greatly and weakened not only her trust in me but her self esteem. The reason the last few months are something especially horrible is because I became clinically depressed and during a climax of that depression became physically abusive towards her. I have caused myself harm though mostly superficial and in that light I began to see myself as somewhat of a joke and the depression and suicidal thoughts are gone.

Words mean nothing. Nothing I say to you or her will make you or her understand that its even possible for a) me to do something like that and still love her, and b) me to be deeply ashamed of myself. I realize such acts warrant no forgiveness and I don't ask for it. I don't want it. This is mostly just back story and a little bit of venting. If anyone's been though the role I'm in, doing that to a loved one is a heavy burden, so I guess I feel the need to vent. By the way at one point authorities were called into the business (suicide + physical abuse at this time, and I demanded she call the cops on me). I go to court in two days.

So as it says in the title, I don't deserve trust, and I don't have trust. She actually seems willing to trust me on the physical side of things. The area she does trust me in actually goes further back and that's how I look at other women. When we met I watched porn, id been single for 6 or 7 years, I regret it now even when I was single. She watched it with me and never indicated once that it bothered her until about a year later and at that point told me that she'd never liked it and that it bothered her the entire time that I watched it, and made her feel horrible about herself.

At some point, can't remember when exactly she started accusing me of staring at women we'd see when we were out and get very upset that I was doing it and assumed that I had some strong attraction to these women.

Its been over a year since that started and it still happens sometimes, it got really bad for a while, most people will probably say I was looking and I probably was but I never wanted to. I never felt the need to check out other women. Despite all the evil things I've brought into our relationship, I do love my girlfriend, I do want to save and build our relationship properly and then when and if things can be as they should be in a real relationship I want to marry her. Those are my goals however unrealistic they may be.

With all that's happened she has it in her mind that there's no possible way that I don't stare and become attracted to every woman who crosses my field of vision, that she deems has an attractive asset. It makes her nervous to be out with me because she is hurt by it and it makes me nervous being out with her because I'm afraid something will happen.

You will come to your own decisions but in my mind as I know it, I have no interest in looking at other women, I don't feel any attraction to other women, all I want is a happy healthy relationship with my girlfriend so that I can confidently propose to her and not have that action be something pathetic and ridiculous. Yes I do realize that I've done tremendous damage to the relationship and to my girlfriend.

None the less she is still my girlfriend, insists that despite however many times we still fight about this, she does indeed love me very much and wants to be with me. Given how I feel its not like I'm about to walk away from her though I know, me being the one to walk away is more than I deserve.

I don't know what to do about the trust though, if we're ever going to have a healthy relationship we need to have trust, I'm not talking fake trust, real trust based on the real actions of myself and herself.

For most of you it will probably be very hard to say anything more then for me to go back to the dank, dark, crevice I came from(I don't blame you at all). For those of you who can stomach the idea of me actually being with this girl. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. As long as she maintains she loves me and most likely even after I will maintain hope that this relationship can (with intense work) be healed. In any case I will always love her and am happier with that than finding love else where, scoff if you like.

Help or support (scorn if you must) is most welcome and appreciated.

Thank you. (sorry for length and or scattered thoughts)

[simoneaugie]

Most men and some women are quite visual. We see things we like, things that we admire. That doesn't mean that we want to let go of the hand we are holding and chase the vision. With more than one of my boyfriends I have pointed out cute girls in crowds. The guys were appreciative and walked on with me. I am not visually oriented but smells and sounds give me pause. I haven't left my mate because of a wonderful voice I heard.

You and your girlfriend need to spend a lot of time talking and exploring not only what you're thinking but how it impacts your perception of self, your perception of the relationship. Forgive yourself of your past transgressions, if she forives you, well, that's her business. Tell her what you want, ask her what she wants. Where do the two of you visualize yourselves in 5 years. How did you imagine you would be now when you were a small child? Why are the realities of past and present different?

[Temper11]

My girlfriend has made it clear countless times that nothing less than her being the absolute only woman I EVER look at is the only way she'll find acceptable. I actually have no problem with that however instances where some girl dressed inappropriately walks into my field of vision are held against me as if I was ogling the woman. She tells me she constantly watches my eyes to see where I'm looking and that she can tell what I'm looking at and she knows that if I ever see what she decides I'd find attractive then she thinks first thing I do is think sexual thoughts about that person and by that thinking I'm therefore being disloyal and essentially cheating on her. That's her position on it. I practically have a nervous twitch if I'm out with her and there are females around now. I don't give one wit about having sexual or otherwise relations with any woman except my girlfriend, her trusting me on that and trusting me to act appropriately as her boyfriend when I'm out on my own (at work for instance) would be a huge step for us. At this point however she doesn't even like the thought of doing anything social with me because she's sure I'll spend the entire time checking out other women i.e. cheating with my eyes and showing her that she's not enough and that I'm still looking. This is information about how she feels directly from things she's said. No interpretation here.

[Guidostern]

You are right, it's hard to build trust with words... you say that your relationship is broken because of the trauma that you've caused, but she still loves you.

The only way to earn trust from some people, whether you think you deserve it or not, is to show her that you've changed. This will take tremendous work and emotional strength on your part, but it may be the only way to rebuild your relationship.

My ex wife used to get mad at me when I would hold doors open for other women, thinking that I was just flirting, in the end it was a contributing factor to our relationship ending. This does not mean that yours has to end this way.

Just talk to her, I know that she may hide a lot of her feelings about what happened right now, and yes it may be hard to get her to vent these frustrations to you. If you want this to work, and she wants this to work, you will both have to eventually face the past... just work hard and show her that you're again worthy of her trust... it will take a while, and if it does fail, at least you can say that you gave her everything you could.

Small edit:
Your post went in before mine did... how old is she? Has she always been so insecure?

[Temper11]

We're both 21. And she's told me on several occasions that any insecurity on her part is due to her experiences with me and that before our relationship she feels she was confident in herself and never worried about this kind of crap. This is our first major relationship. I recently started working at a big box computer store and she told me a few weeks after that she "knew" as soon as I started working there that she wouldn't like it. She feels that the normal guy bull like "did you see that chick that came in earlier" is really serious stuff it really bothers her and there's no chance that she believes anything except that I'm right in there running around the store trying to check out girls. As I've said I couldn't care less about anyone but her. It seems so hopeless that she will ever see that.

[simoneaugie]

Quit beating yourself up, this girl is twisted. If you were blind, would she trust you then?

No one owns, or has the right to control anyone else. Should she wear a chastity belt that only you have the key to?

[talaniman]

Right now, I think you both have personel issue to deal with, before either of you can be in healthy caring relationships, as you both feed on the worst in each other.

You have to deal with that, before you can deal with someone else.

[Temper11]

Someone please just help me be a better person. I can't stand myself, she makes me see all the horrible she that I'm capable of. When we first started having bad fights I started hitting myself. She won't stop hurting me she just keeps digging in. I know its because she's hurt that she's leaving but its more than I can handle. I know this is pathetic I'm just at my worst and weakest right now. I just need to vent this isn't really stuff that needs advice. Sorry

[Temper11]

Things are getting to the point where I think I'm going to try to push her away. Its not what I want but its becoming obvious that I'm never going to do anything for her except to cause her pain. Why would I want that? We've been fighting all day and I've said such mean things, recalled to her all the terrible things I've put her through, she said she's leaving but all she's does is ignore me and sit in the kitchen writing in her note book. I want her to be happy and healthy and I don't think that will happen with me, but even when I say that its best if she gets away from me it seems like she still wants to stay.

I'm not normally an angry person but during these last few months she's gotten me so angry that I've been physically abusive as I said in my OP. that isn't like me. I never imagined I could ever do that. I think its absolutely disgusting. I always imagined that I would do my best to be a wonderful partner but I'm coming up so short in such horrible ways. I can only get so angry from her. No one else can make me feel like that, not even remotely close. I'm seeking help from a psychologist. I've been seeking anger management for nearly two months, I've seen cousellors, they're for support and I need more than that.

[talaniman]

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