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    Sammie66's Avatar
    Sammie66 Posts: 170, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jul 12, 2008, 03:09 AM
    Dumped for another or rebound?
    I'm 24 and was dating my first serious girlfriend for 7 months. In the beginning I got cold feet and broke up with her a couple of times because she seemed so sure I was the one, when I was just finding my way and feeling new emotions. As time grew on, I realised I did feel the same way and fell completely in love with her to the point where I was on the verge of asking her to move in but was waiting for the right moment. During this time, she started working in a bar at the end of my street which meant I was staying up until 2pm most nights to let her in to stay the night.

    This started taking its toll on me and I got into trouble at work for falling asleep, so I told her that I wanted to catch up on sleep for a couple of nights and didn't see her for two days. In this time, she was texting my sister in law, telling her that she felt unloved and sent a message along a similar lines to me. I just thought she was feeling a little down so I said "don't worry, I'll see you tomorrow". The next day, I went to her bar after work and she was so pleased to see me, and she stayed the night at mine after work. But just as we went to bed she got a text from one of her workmates and started smiling and texted him back. I was asking what we were doing at the weekend and she said she was busy with friends and work stuff. So I asked her to stay the next night, but she "was sure she was busy with something early in the morning".

    On Sunday I got a text saying "this isnt working I just want to be friends". Turns out she had been on a date with her workmate that day and then slept with him a few days later.

    One week on, she tells me she loves him, one month on she is moving in with him. I stopped all contact with her after 2 weeks, but every time I did that, she would contact me.

    So what is going on? I really miss her, really love her and am really worried about her. At the same time, I hate how she's treated me and jumped into this serious relationship and know that I probably couldn't take her back.

    I cried every day for a month, and have been miserable ever since. It's just the 2 month mark now and she texted me "happy birthday" the other day.

    Is she on the rebound? Did she leave me for him, or decide to move on because I'd hurt her feelings? I just don't understand what happened. Was it because I broke up with her near the start?
    starbuck8's Avatar
    starbuck8 Posts: 3,128, Reputation: 734
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    #2

    Jul 12, 2008, 03:58 AM
    Why are you looking for reasons to blame yourself? She cheated on you, and even took a text message from the guy that she went out on a date with while she was in bed with you! and then slept with him too. This is her problem, not yours. If you take her back at this point, she knows she can and will do it to you again, and then where will you be?

    Go back to no contact, and part of no contact is not accepting or taking her calls or texts. Don't answer your phone, and don't listen to her messages. You can't move on if you keep on doing that.

    The "lets be friends" thing never works. She can't have her cake and eat it too. Sounds to me like she is playing a lot of games with you, and you are letting the blame rest on your shoulders. Try and find someone that is worthy of your love and respect, and forget about her. The more you let her control your thoughts, the more control she has over you. You will meet someone that loves you back, and won't play silly games.

    Good luck, and smile! She will be a distant memory not too far down the road.
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,823, Reputation: 2035
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    #3

    Jul 12, 2008, 04:03 AM
    I would not trust going back with her. If she can run to somebody else so easily then the least little thing you do she could go running back to them again. She choose to go with him because you needed time to yourself.
    When she calls you should tell her that it isn't going to work out 'being friends' because you loved her too much to look at her as just friends.
    starbuck8's Avatar
    starbuck8 Posts: 3,128, Reputation: 734
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    #4

    Jul 12, 2008, 04:16 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by N0help4u
    I would not trust going back with her. If she can run to somebody else so easily then the least little thing you do she could go running back to them again. She choose to go with him because you needed time to yourself.
    When she calls you should tell her that it isn't going to work out 'being friends' because you loved her too much to look at her as just friends.
    I had to spread the rep, but exactly.

    Dude, if she finds someone else because she is feeling unloved because you need your sleep in order to keep your job... well then that is just selfish and shallow, and she was only thinking of what she wanted!

    Move on and find someone that will at least realize that she cannot be the center of your life 24/7
    Sammie66's Avatar
    Sammie66 Posts: 170, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Jul 12, 2008, 04:25 AM
    I partly blame myself because I wasn't great to her. I made mistakes along the way because she was my first proper girlfriend.

    The thing that hurts the most is that she never told me she was ever unhappy and only after we broke up she told me how I made her feel ugly, fat and worthless. Maybe they're just excuses for her to justify ending it to herself.

    I was always honest with her to the point of being brutal. I HATE lies so much and I just feel totally betrayed by the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

    It just feels so sudden especially by the fact that she was with me one day, and with this other guy the next day. I went to talk it over with her a few days later and she told me that she thought I hated her and when I told her I loved her she said she was "so confused" and I told her to think it through but in the end she said it was too much to think I loved her when she thought I hated her.

    And she seems to have gone crazy with this new guy - moving in with him after 1 month and saying she loves him so quickly. The annoying thing is that she still sees my sister in law regularly and I know they text each other all the time.

    And I have to walk past her workplace everyday.

    The way I like to think of it is that we just drifted apart when she started her new job, and because the relationship started on shaky ground it wasn't strong enough to last.

    I'm really scared for her because she's jumping into this new relationship so fast that if it doesn't work she'll get really hurt and then might come running back - which will leave me in a very awkward place.

    I've never done break ups before and I've probably done and said all the wrong things the same as I did all the wrong things in the relationship.
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,823, Reputation: 2035
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    #6

    Jul 12, 2008, 04:41 AM
    But if she loved you she would be there working through things WITH YOU.
    Not running to the arms of somebody else crying victim first little chance she got
    Sammie66's Avatar
    Sammie66 Posts: 170, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Jul 12, 2008, 04:46 AM
    She said she gave me so many chances, but she didn't actually tell me what I had done wrong. It's just a big mess.

    I must be getting better though, because I bore myself speaking about it now. And I have no desire to text her anymore.

    I just got back from holiday and that has helped. I think I'm having a minor relapse today because reality has hit me a little bit again.
    starbuck8's Avatar
    starbuck8 Posts: 3,128, Reputation: 734
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    #8

    Jul 12, 2008, 04:55 AM
    Everyone make mistakes, so you sure don't have the corner market on that. She however, seems to be making excuses for her behaviour, and just doesn't sound to me like she is worthy of your trust!

    If she is the type of girl that will move in with someone after only one month, then all that shows is she doesn't give herself time to sit and think about her decisions. She doesn't seem to care that she hurt you, and then gives you a line like she can't accept that you loved her because she thought you hated her. That is the biggest line of Bull Crap if I ever heard one!

    She knows your feelings for her, and is manipulating them, and you are taking the bait! If and when (and trust me she probably will) she comes running back to you to cry on your shoulder... RUN! Don't let her play you like that, and do not let her manipulate your feelings.

    Have more confidence in yourself, and yourself worth. It sounds to me like you are a straight up guy that doesn't like lies, and yet you are putting up with hers. You deserve better!. no matter how much it will hurt for awhile.

    You will be the one that is hurt again in the long run, and she will go on to her next affair.
    starbuck8's Avatar
    starbuck8 Posts: 3,128, Reputation: 734
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    #9

    Jul 12, 2008, 04:57 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Sammie66
    She said she gave me so many chances, but she didn't actually tell me what I had done wrong. It's just a big mess.

    I must be getting better though, because I bore myself speaking about it now. And I have no desire to text her anymore.

    I just got back from holiday and that has helped. I think I'm having a minor relapse today because reality has hit me a little bit again.
    We all have those days... don't sweat it! ;)
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,823, Reputation: 2035
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    #10

    Jul 12, 2008, 05:07 AM
    It almost sounds to me like she has had a thing for this other guy for awhile and was just looking for the first excuse she could find to pull what she did.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #11

    Jul 12, 2008, 08:19 PM
    This is your first, so don't be so hard on yourself, and know she is really full of crap, but that's not your fault. Chalk it up to experience, and put this behind you, as we all have to learn sometime, and some way, about coping with ourselves and others.

    The first thing to always remember is, just because we are intensely attracted to some one, doesn't mean its love, nor that a person who says it to you, may not mean it, or not know what it is . Love is a powerful word, and an intense feeling, that leads to actions in healthy people, so hearing it, and seeing it in action, are two different things. Take more time, and see the difference next time, and there will be a next time.
    Sammie66's Avatar
    Sammie66 Posts: 170, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    Jul 13, 2008, 04:43 PM
    A while ago she was at mine one night, but went home with a sore back and I asked to go with her but she said she needed to sleep it off. Apparently that night, this guy texted her and turned up at her door unannounced with chocolates to cheer her up which made her "feel special". So something had been happening a while.

    I guess because they worked so closely together they formed a bond, whilst I was only seeing her intermittently. He told her one day that he really fancied her, but she told him that she wanted me, which is fair enough. Obviously she couldn't resist though.

    I think she had feelings for both of us and was faithful until I hurt her. He was obviously there being all supportive and that.

    At least I know when I broke up with her at the start it was for the right reasons. I was confused and sat her down and told her that I didn't want to lie to her and hurt her and so I couldn't keep seeing her. But she took that to mean that I hated her.

    She sent me a text saying that it wasn't working, when she was actually seeing a guy from work, so basically told the biggest bunch of BS she could. At least I can walk away knowing I have a spine and good heart.
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,823, Reputation: 2035
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    #13

    Jul 13, 2008, 04:48 PM
    I guess in some cases Life is a box of chocolates
    I think she did you a favor in dumping you.
    Sammie66's Avatar
    Sammie66 Posts: 170, Reputation: 1
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    #14

    Jul 14, 2008, 04:09 AM
    You'll think I'm mad, but I txted her today in an experiment.

    I said "You were right to end it. We couldn't give each other the 24/7 attention we both needed"

    This lead on to her telling me that she took the bar job purposefully so we wouldn't see each other too much to prevent her scaring me off again because I had told her I wanted to take it more slowly.

    She says it still hurts, but it's in the past and it's painful and she really misses me sometimes. I think that tells me a lot about her new relationship. i.e. It is a rebound and she isn't completely over me.

    In a weird way, it's nice to know that I'm not the only one hurting.
    starbuck8's Avatar
    starbuck8 Posts: 3,128, Reputation: 734
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    #15

    Jul 14, 2008, 04:20 AM
    It also reinforces that she was playing games with you, instead of taking the communication route. You can probably also take a little pat on the back, because the other guy will be gone in a flash too, and then she will really be crying in her beer! ;)

    YouTube - There's A Tear In My Beer - Hank Williams Jr.

    (just trying to cheer you up! ;) )
    Sammie66's Avatar
    Sammie66 Posts: 170, Reputation: 1
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    #16

    Jul 14, 2008, 06:29 AM
    Thanks :-)

    She said she wished we could be friends. I can't see that happening though. I had no idea break ups were so tough. I am struggling 2 months on. I just feel so lonely right now.
    Romefalls19's Avatar
    Romefalls19 Posts: 4,739, Reputation: 1130
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    #17

    Jul 14, 2008, 07:00 AM
    This girl obviously likes to play head games, so why let yourself be her victim? It's a vicious game of how far can I dangle hope in front of him and rip it away for him to still stick around? You deserve a lot better, just because you ask for sleep she runs and finds the next guy to wrap her legs around? Seriously, she never had plans on being a faithful girlfriend, fiancé, wife. Be glad this douchebag took the basketcase off your hands and no longer is your problem. Who cares if he's a rebound or not, he has her.. You will find someone who will appreciate you and all that you do.
    Sammie66's Avatar
    Sammie66 Posts: 170, Reputation: 1
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    #18

    Jul 14, 2008, 07:11 AM
    It's not as simple as that. I think because I broke up with her at the start she decided that she didn't want to get hurt again and moved on. I think she was moving on while she was with me though which doesn't really make sense. She's probably just telling herself she has moved on, because if she still misses me then she hasn't.
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,823, Reputation: 2035
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    #19

    Jul 14, 2008, 07:18 AM
    No use in trying to figure her out, analyze her or make excuses for her.
    Some times it is better to just accept and move on
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #20

    Jul 14, 2008, 12:32 PM
    It's not as simple as that.
    You moving ahead, and not looking back will make it simple, as you have no control over her actions, or choices, and she has done what she wanted.

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