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margarita_momma · Jul 11, 2008, 02:15 PM

I am at the point that I want to scream! A little background...

My mother left my dad when I was 7 and my brother was 4. I am now 23. She has come in out of mine and my brother's lives the entire time we were growing up. She has jumped from one guy to the next and would come and see us maybe 3-4 times throughout the year. She turned into a very heavy drinker, she started using meth and cocaine and couldn't hold down a decent job. Anything bad that happened in mine and my brother's lives happened when we were visiting her. She always had us around the wrong crowd of people and didn't even think twice about leaving us with people that were drunk off their asses or stoned out of their minds. She would call and say she was coming to pick us up for the weekend. My brother and I would sit for hours with our bags packed waiting on her and finally giving up because we knew she wasn't going to come.

I still had a yearning to have a mother in my life so I overlooked a lot of her flaws and still loved her no matter what. She ended up getting arrested in a drug ring about ten years ago and got off with a slap on the wrist, 10 years probation. She was 8 years into the probation and decides to stop going to her meetings and paying. She claimed they never look into it even though I warned her it would bite her in the butt. She was arrested and put in jail for 3 months. They released her with 10 more years of probation and a heavy fine. That was two years ago.

She had been doing well since that happened and actually held a job for a long time and stopped drinking so much. (she has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember) She was there for me through the birth of my son. She was paying her bills on time and keeping up with her probation requirements. That lasted about a year and now she has gone back into her old ways. She lost her job as a café cook and can't get a job anywhere else because of her felony and the fact that her license has been suspended due to traffic tickets. The only time she calls me is to whine about how broke she is and that her and her boyfriend can't even by groceries. They always have money for beer and cigarettes mind you. I am pregnant with my 2nd baby and I don't need the stress she is putting on my life.

She just called me today and said she wanted to come and spend a week with me. I live 5 hours away from her and she wants me to drive to pick her up and take her home. She is the most selfish person I know. I told her I couldn't do that and she went into this sob story about how everything is going wrong in her life and maybe seeing me and her grand baby will make things better. I have decided against letting her stay but I don't know how to tell her. I honestly want her out of my life. I can't handle her anymore. I don't know how many calls I get in the middle of the night because her boyfriend got drunk and beat her up or she needs some money for this or that. I never give her money because she still owes me a large sum that I let her BORROW when I was in high school. It has always felt like I am the adult and she is the child. The woman is 42 years old and can't even pay her own bills or get a descent job.

I really think I just needed a place to vent but I would like some people's opinions on ways I can handle her. This isn't even half of what she has done and is in trouble with but I know its already too lengthy. I have tried to get her to go to rehab or counseling and she won't do it. I have really just given up on her. :(

Any comments would be appreciated. :o

Choux · Jul 11, 2008, 02:19 PM

The answer is NO. She can't visit you.

N0help4u · Jul 11, 2008, 02:24 PM

Stand strong and don't let her get to you. Coming to visit hoping to make things better in her life would not be any long term effect for her and she would just be going back to the same old same old. So visiting you is nothing but a quick fix. Just tell her you are not able to drive there and get her and you can't afford to. That way hopefully she doesn't go on to ask for money since you said you can't afford to.

Alty · Jul 11, 2008, 02:25 PM

You are her child, but she's not much of a mom, and probably never will be. What you want is the mother you wish she could be, and she can't be that mom. It's time to realize that you can't change her, that nothing you do or say is going to help. So, can you live with the way she is, accept that she won't change, or do you walk away? The choice is yours, and I don't envy you that choice.

Good luck.

simoneaugie · Jul 11, 2008, 02:36 PM

One thing I know is that growing up as you did affected you immensely. Go to an Al-Anon meeting, go to as many as you need to to vent, commiserate and get your life straight. You may feel that you are okay as long as your mom stays away. Not true. You need to heal.

margarita_momma · Jul 11, 2008, 02:41 PM

Originally Posted by Altenweg

You are her child, but she's not much of a mom, and probably never will be. What you want is the mother you wish she could be, and she can't be that mom. It's time to realize that you can't change her, that nothing you do or say is going to help. So, can you live with the way she is, accept that she won't change, or do you walk away? the choice is yours, and I don't envy you that choice.

Good luck.

You hit the nail right on the head when you said that I want the mother I wish she could be. I have always seen my friends with their mothers and longed for that companionship. I realize I can't change her. I have been trying to get her to grow up for years. I want to walk away. I just don't know how to do it. She has always had a small part in my life in some way but here recently she has overstepped the boundary I had set up. Thank you for your response. :o

N0help4u · Jul 11, 2008, 02:44 PM

She will always be your mom and have a place in your heart but for your sanity sake you have to leave her to her life and you to yours.

margarita_momma · Jul 11, 2008, 02:48 PM

Originally Posted by simoneaugie

One thing I know is that growing up as you did affected you immensely. Go to an Al-Anon meeting, go to as many as you need to to vent, commiserate and get your life straight. You may feel that you are okay as long as your mom stays away. Not true. You need to heal.

I have gone to an Al-Anon group before. I stayed with it for a good 3 months every Wednesday. I tried really hard to let things out but it was hard because all the people going there were the alcoholics, not the affected. Sure my experiences probably helped them in their recovery but it did nothing for me because they couldn't relate. My mother has been through a lot in her life so I know a lot of the things that happened in her childhood made her what she is today. She was molested by her father from the age of 8 to 14. The only way she got away from the abuse is when she met my dad and moved away from her parents. I blame her father for the way she is and I think that is why I keep feeling sorry for her. I will look into some counseling. Thank you for your advice.

simoneaugie · Jul 11, 2008, 07:13 PM

I know what you mean about Al-Anon meetings. I can go to one and just by looking at people, tell which ones are drinkers and which are concerned family members. Maybe counselling would be better for you.

I will disagree with you about the abuse causing your mom's behavior. She is an alcoholic, that's hereditary, in the genes. You're lucky to have escaped the disease.

Take care.

N0help4u · Jul 11, 2008, 07:21 PM

THE 0NE AND ONLY I ever went to they just sat around taking turns talking about how they are NOT co-dependent because they learned to knit and do things to NOT be co-dependent like they were trying to convince themselves (& eachother) that they were not co-dependent.
Some peoples cup of tea! Hope they aren't all like that. :D

margarita_momma · Jul 12, 2008, 08:39 AM

Honestly I don't believe Alcoholism is a disease. An alcoholic makes the decision to get up and make that drink. Its not like the alcohol just pours itself down their throats and they can't stop it. Its an addiction yes, but not a disease. Al-Anon teaches all these people that its not their fault and the disease just takes over their lives. Its just an excuse to put the blame somewhere else and not take responsibility for it.

N0help4u · Jul 12, 2008, 08:46 AM

True but it is considered a disease for medical purposes so they can be eligible for treatment.
I really do agree that they need to take personal responsibility rather than using disease as a crutch which it has become with many

Choux · Jul 12, 2008, 03:39 PM

You have to go to 12 Step Programs for a couple of years-at least-in order to start to "get it" about real life.

As you know, it is about *you* being sick from your experience with an alkie. The 12 Step Program is about YOU. Don't be afraid. :)