[navygir_girl]

I think you are in my house...

I too have a 14 y/o stepdaughter and we are going through the same thing. She is always touching my husband, talking to him like he is her boyfriend, and is always touching him. Nothing sexually... but pinching his arm for attention, rubbing his shoulders, asking him to repeat words to hear him talk again, while we drive she always touches his head/hair, etc.

I have told him that it makes me uncomfortable (and I have had friends say the same to me) and he says there is nothing wrong with it.

Well, I now am uncomfortable in my own home. I have come to the point that when they start acting that way, I leave the room. My friends have gotten up and left the room. I have even gotten up and left the dinner table.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to what else to do?

[JBeaucaire]

Navygir_girl, for the next 6 years, keep leacing the room. Your discomfort, your friends discomfort is completely irrelevant. Their relationship 100% trumps yours, as it should.

My advice to you matches my original advice to sierra98008:

I completely understand your discomfort. I completely understand your concern about how things may or may not look, especially in public. He is, after all, your husband, you should feel free to talk to him about anything in a calm, mature manner.

But, having said that, after you mention it once, maybe twice (calm, mature manner, no anger or ultimatums or "how dare you"), after that... butt out. Stay near, stay alert, stay loving, stay close, but butt out.

It is his daughter, and their relationship, like it or not, takes precedence over yours. You're the new wife, she's the old offspring. Let them do what they must.

On the flip side, she will be gone in 5 years, and you won't, so it's all good in the end.

Stay close, stay alert, stay loving, and stay out of it

[navygir_girl]

I can't agree that my feelings are irrelevant. The behavior is unacceptable and innapropriate. I do not care what anyone says... it is not normal for a 14 year old girl to talk to her father in a baby voice and when not in a baby voice, like he is her boyfriend. He is her father. When in public, it draws attention to the point that none of her siblings want to go anywhere with her and her father together.

Do not get me wrong, I think it is great that she has a trusting and wonderful relationship with her father, but she is not 6 anymore. That is where my concern lays; we are supposed to mentor and nurture our children so that they can become mature adults, not keep them babies.

So, where does the line get drawn? As long as her and her father are comfortable, is it OK for anyone around them to be uncomfortable (including strangers)?

[DaBaAd]

I can't agree that my feelings are irrelevant. The behavior is unacceptable and innapropriate. I do not care what anyone says...it is not normal for a 14 year old girl to talk to her father in a baby voice and when not in a baby voice, like he is her boyfriend. He is her father. When in public, it draws attention to the point that none of her siblings want to go anywhere with her and her father together.

Do not get me wrong, I think it is great that she has a trusting and wonderful relationship with her father, but she is not 6 anymore. That is where my concern lays; we are supposed to mentor and nurture our children so that they can become mature adults, not keep them babies.

So, where does the line get drawn? As long as her and her father are comfortable, is it OK for anyone around them to be uncomfortable (including strangers)?

Correct on the last statement. Her father and her are "comfortable". It's your choice to feel OK or not OK for yourself, or others for that matter.

How close or inappropriate is that? Or does it cross the line between natural bonding affection between father and daughter or inappropriate sexual behavior? If there is no actual outcry or you don't see first hand explicit behavior, then your line should not get drawn.

Perhaps the siblings are just being jealous and would love their father's attention also. Each has their own acceptance and tolerance for affection. It may be just different for them.

[navygir_girl]

This is not a jealousy issue. Yes, I am the stepmother, but I am the one raising her into a young lady. Except for giving birth to her, I have done everything that a mother would do. I am concerned for her and her future relationship with other men, boyfirends, co-workers, bosses, etc. I want her to learn what is appropriate and what is not appropriate.

I do disagree with you about 'wowwing the public'. There are manners and such that we should respect when in public and around other persons. I teach my children these: table manners, greeting manners, opening and closing doors for elderly and women, etc. Proper behavior is also a 'manner'. And it is our responsibility as parents to teach our children what is right from wrong, and there is always a proper way to do this.

A father is a father (just as a mother is a mother) - a role model, a mentor. Parents are not buddies... and there needs to be a line drawn. And when a teenager is allowed and encouraged to continue to act like a 'little girl' and not mentored into a young adult, then we are failing as parents to allow the development of our children into maturity. Such as when a parent tells a 5 year old to talk like a big girl or boy.

The issue here lies in that our 14 y/o talks like a baby to her father, talks to him like he is her boyfriend; when she should be showing him the respect he deserves as the father (and the respect of her siblings to be able to enjoy dinner without having to listen to it).

And, if someone is living in a house that I work for, pay for, and take care of... I am a contributor to rules, punishments, and chores. And all children should be taught to respect elders; even when step-parents... I did.

[DaBaAd]

You have that right when they are in "your" house. But you can't control their actions or feelings outside your domain.

And again, it's their choice to conduct themselves in a manner that you would consider inappropriate. But is it really a view of the world according to how you were raised or is it an unknown view that may not be a big deal.

I agree with teaching social "manners", but when it comes to emotions for those whom you love, those cannot be measured with the same yardstick.

[TwinkletOes26]

It sounds like they are just really close and regardless of how upset their behavior makes you not much you can do about it unless it crosses the line into a sexual nature id say your stuck. As long as your husband doesn't mind the baby talk its likely its not going to stop.

[simoneaugie]

I see your viewpoint. I see his and his daughters angle on the situation. It will pass.

[dw41552]

Why are you even asking this question, when you seem to be convinced already that this behavior is inapropriate, no matter how anyone tries to explain it to you. My first wife was the same way with her dad but she turned out OK. She's only 14. She'll grow out of it. And the more you whine about it the more she's going to do it. She was around long before you were and she comes first like it or not. I really do believe that you just don't like the idea that given the choice your husband would choose his daughter over you. And that would be the right thing for him to do if it came down to it. So suck it up and quit trying to fix something that isn't broken. Why is it that so many women feel such an overwhelming need to fix everyone??

[dw41552]

"The behavior is unacceptable and innapropriate. I do not care what anyone says...it is not normal for a 14 year old girl to talk to her father in a baby voice and when not in a baby voice,"

Who are you to judge what's normal and appropriate. Are you a child psycologist? Oviously not or you wouldn't be asking questions you've already answered to fit your own agenda. You're not going to except anything that in any way will show that you may be wrong. So don't waste our time unless you're willing to take some constructive criticism.

[sassywitch36]

I have some friends staying with me right now and am in a similar situation. The husband belittles his wife, doesn't show her affection or have relations with her, but he is very affectionate and loving with his 16 year old daughter. They act like they are the ones together. She sleeps with him when she is ill, she lays on top of him while he pats her butt. I have mentioned it to my friend, actually she brought it up to me which I was glad of because I didn't know how to broach the subject. She asked me if I noticed and yes I had and it was inappropriate. She said that they are not having sex with each other and she doesn't want her daughter to feel like she has done anything wrong so she doesn't want to do anything to stop it, but I think she should.

[valheart]

I have read the various posts and believe that you need support. You are witness to obvious inappropriate behavior that has an underlying psychological and emotional problem. Mental health professionals have indicated the "baby talk and touching" to be a symptom of something greater. Perhaps pathological jealousy, regression, etc. Your uncomfortable feeling is justified and your step daughter's behavior can drive a wedge between you and your husband so tread lightly... do not let her be successful. I think the best suggestion is for you and your husband to seek a professional's opinion so the 2 of you do not argue over this emotionally charged topic.

[mdaguno]

I agree with Valheart and Sassywitch. Acting like you have not noticed anything wrong or unusual won't do any good.

[mrshodges]

I have to say it does sound a bit weird but also my husband has a daughter from his first marriage. She is about to be 19. She still comes to stay with us. They play around all the time she even sits on his lap and hugs and kisses him on the cheeks.(just pecks on the lips sometimes) They even lick each others faces. All the kids do That's one way they pick on each other. What I'm saying is some fathers and daughters have really great relationships. You don't want to ruin that but also your husband needs to take into consideration your feelings. You need couples counseling. If you don't do that you are going to drive yourself nuts.

[toti2]

I too am in a similsr situation. I have a 17 year old stepdaughter who has displayed innapropriate sexual behavior towards her father. Example, licking her fork in a provocative manner as he sits with a smile on his face, walking around in a towel or skimpy bathrobe in front of him, bending over in front of him, will be sitting on the counter with legs open asking for a hug and a kiss. My daughter and I watch this in digust and disbelief. I have been with this man for awhile and he is very attentive towards me, but at the same time he touches his daughter the same way he touches me, treats her as they are married, not us, and It has come to a point in the relationship that I need to leave with my own daughter, I am not afraid he will touch my daughter, she is a very strong and independent 17 year old, I don't want her around this dysfunctionsl family. This family I inherited has had severe dysfunction due to their mother leaving her and her brother for another woman and left the area far enough away she can make excuses not to spend time with them. I have tried setting rules and guidelines for the household of which my husband lets her get away with anything, saves her from any consequences for what she has done and treats me and my daughter as though we are beneath her. She uses this to manipulate as you can imagine. I have bought her a car as an incentive to do well in school and activities. She uses me only for these types of things but I don't feel I have any support from my husband. We really have two families instead of one combined. His daughter uses her sexuality to get her way and he accepts it. My father and I never had sexual inuendos in our conversations, this is not normal to me. Should I be worried about any sexual activity between them?

[martinizing2]

We really have two families instead of one combined. His daughter uses her sexuality to get her way and he accepts it. My father and I never had sexual inuendos in our conversations, this is not normal to me. Should I be worried about any sexual activity between them?

If your not worried by the activity you described ,it makes me wonder what your definition of sexual activity is.

This is wrong on your husbands part first and foremost because he seems to be beyond the lines of morality and legality.

To be involved in any kind of behavior with a 17 yr old girl that you would not do in church with your mother-in-law sitting next to you is questionable at best.
But from what you say is happening I am going to say that the best thing you can do is pack up the wagon and head out.

And on the way out have a talk with the local sheriff and the girls mother.
If it is that bad when others are around I can't help but believe it may go much farther when they are alone.

And there is the very good possibility that he may be "sharing" his attention with any other youngsters he may be luring into his depraved little world.

It is for all the potential victims that he should be confronted, stopped, and treated for his problem.

And is he limiting his attention to just her? What about her friends, other peoples kids,?

Molesters seldom stop until they are busted once or twice , or 8 or 10 times.
Every one of those life ruining vermin could potentially be the cause of any number of shattered little girls , teens girls , boys, (I suspect even the pets and farm animals may be traumatized. ).

I would make the call to his ex and the police and feel good about it.

How many others might you be helping by getting him , and his girl the help they may need in order to get them pointed in a saner direction.

To do nothing when you know, is just as bad as doing it.
Or close enough it makes little diference.

[jenniepepsi]

Honestly, it sounds FINE to me. And is it possible that the child is emotionally or cognitively immature? She sounds more like a younger child than a 14 year old. 9 10 or 11. Its possible that she is immature (in the clinical sense not dirogitory) and dad is simply used to it and you are not.

[jenniepepsi]

On a side note, I just noticed this post is from 2008.

[Tmaxx]

I agree

[Tmaxx]

I agree with navygir. This behavior seems inappropriate and does not comply with social norms. I am sure there are ways for them to be affectionate towards each other that do not make you feel uncomfortable. I am battling a similar issue with my BF of 5 years and his daughter, so I can definitely relate. I think it might be prudent for you to do some research into the Electra Complex.