[Hurting Mom]

I'm a single mom who's done everything that's supposed to be right with my daughter--Girl Scout leader, 4-H leader--paid for, driven her to and supported her through dance classes, music lessons, music instruments, etc. I've never missed a performance, recital or event that she's participated in. I cook dinner every night and we eat around a family table with her sibling. She shows large animals--and I've bought the animals, feed & supplies, hauled them around and attended more shows than I can count. Meantime her dad has paid only the required child support and everything else has come out of my pocket. Her relationship with her dad has been strained through the years--he doesn't support her, seldom attends events and even when he does usually leaves before her "turn" even comes up.

She just graduated, although she is yet to turn 18. During the last year she has become increasingly grumpy, but I passed a lot off to stress of senior year. Chores at our house are minimal, but supposedly required. She blew hers off a lot, blaming homework, her new job, etc and frequently I let it slide. Anytime I'd remind her I was "nagging" and if I insisted or threatened to ground her it was termed a "fight."

A week ago, she snuck out of the house in the middle of the night and "went to live with her dad." I was informed by a note left on the couch. Since she is so close to 18, I have no reasonable legal rights to force her to do anything and her dad (suddenly redeemed in her eyes) believes whatever she says. She refuses to talk to me, has only called once--a call requesting the rest of "her things" in which she threatened to call the police. She picked up most of her things (sans police, thank goodness) without a single word to me.

I could have never even imagined something like this happening. We've been as close as I thought it was possible for a mother and daughter to be. I would have called us an ideal family--even if finances are regularly very thin--and I believed with all my heart that keeping kids in worthwhile activities prevented exactly what happened. Never in her entire life have we gone more than a day or two without talking--even when she was on out-of-state trips (that I funded) for her 4-H, band, Girl Scouts... whatever.

I'm absolutely lost and have no idea what to do now. I have a younger child (same father) that I'm trying to keep things as normal as possible for, but my house feels more like there's just been a funeral than anything else.

Help!!

Hurting Mom

[N0help4u]

Is there any way she will talk to you? Inviting her out to dinner just you and her and ask her what you did wrong in her eyes?
You may have to just accept that you raised her the best you could and she turned out as good as she did and just hope and pray one day she sees the grass isn't greener by having excluded you.

[Fr_Chuck]

I have to say often we can give too much and not require rules to be inforced, And teens often want more then they see possible.
I am not sure what you wanted from her but teens turning stupid at 17 or 18 for a few years is almost normal nowaday.

[snotbubble]

Woah! This sound just like my mom and I! Except all the dance classes and shows that we would never be able to afford. Same situation with my dad too. When I lived with her we fought all the time and I started sneaking out at 16 to be with a guy she didn't allow me to see. After a big fight with her about a year ago, I called my dad and asked to move in. At the time he was living at his band members house because he was finishing up his fourth divorce (thought I'd ask before some new lady did) He saved up his money to do it and I was surprised, and my sister decided to do the same and come with me. We both felt bad for my mom and didn't know how to tell her (well, at that time specificly I was angry with her and didn't care)

After the fight we had, I refused to talk to her and I would ignore her when she came over to my dad's. My aunt (her sister who she was really close with) was on my side and thought that my mom had changed and also stopped talking to her. (which is irelivent in comparison to your story) we would still occasionally fight when she came over to visit with my sister.

Anyway, after not talking for a few months everything seemed to cool down and I decided to let things go. She had been losing weight so, I called her asking for advice on that. Then she loaned me her "fit for life" book and dumbells and we would go jogging together in parks and stuff. I hadn't been that friendly with my mom since I hit puberty!

Not living with my mom has actually enabled me to get along with her and get closer. It's also nice to get to know my dad. I realize he would have been a horrible dad if he actually stuck around when I was a kid. But since I'm an adult and in college now, him being gone all night or coming home drunk doesn't matter as much- he's more like an obnoxious room mate and he has no bad influences on me because I have already decided to never drink, smoke, go to college, and all that good stuff (thanks to my mom and grandpa).

So don't think it's anything you did or didn't do! Your daughter still loves you and I'm guessing the absence of a parent will do a tole on any kid. I think seeing her dad is what she needs and she'll start missing you when she spends too much time away from you... and she knows how much you've dine for her and that you'll always be there- BECAUSE THAT"S WHAT A MOM IS! You can find a way to still be a tight family. You could go over to her dad's house with her little brother and play board games or go out to a movie or something.

[rockerchick_682]

I've done exactly what this girl has done, running back and forth to parents. You haven't done anything wrong as a parent. She needs time to grow up and be able to look back at what she's done.

It's not an excuse, but right now sucks. Graduating from high school and figuring out college and money! Ugh, and the social part. Leaving all your friends behind, trying to find new ones. The pressure of doing well in school. It's like being thrown into a lake and drowning. I don't know about your daughter but it's been hard to adjust to.

Tell her that you love her and miss her and that she's always welcome to come back when she decides to be a part of the family, which includes responsibilities like chores. Tell your younger child that she's just having a hard time right now and it has nothing to do with you. Offer to take him/her to go see her. It might be hard, but she'll get over it.

Oh and Fr_Chuck, I admit that a lot of teens are stupid, but not all of us! Have some faith!

[margarita_momma]

I went through the same thing when I was her age. My parents divorced when I was young and when I turned 16 I decided to move in with my mom. The best thing you can do is give her the space she needs and let her realize on her own what a mistake she has made. My dad let me go without any protest and within a few months I wanted to move back home because living with my mom was so unstable. She will start to miss the connection the two of you share and the good life of having a mom that is always there for her in every way. This is just a teenage faze when it comes to divorced parents. Good luck to you.

[matt1185]

I did almost the same thing. My parents divorced when I was young. My dad was rarely in my life. I moved in with him when I was 15. I think it just happens a lot to kids with divorced parents. They always think it would be better with the other parent until they experience what it is all about. I lived with my dad just over 6 months and moved back with my mom. Believe it or not, it made me and my mom closer then we had ever been. I'm sure everything will work out fine. I'm sorry to hear your hurting, but I'm sure she'll talk to you soon. You are after all her mother, and the only one she will ever have, it may just take her a little while to realize it.

[parent25]

Me being a new mother I can feel your pain so much... I am sorry you are going through this but things will get better I promise! I did the same thing to my mom. I am now 25 and love her more than ever. I graduated when I was 17, being a single mom herself, she did everything and anything for us no matter how hard. We had 8 girls! You can imagine the hell she went through with us. Anyhow the summer after senior year I "snuck out" for the first time.. I didn't listen and I went through the "i hate you" phase. (ashamed to admit! :( )

Anyhow, my purpose of telling you this... she will come back! I promise. In the meantime, just call and don't give up however rude she is. I remember my mom would talk to me and I would pop such an attitude and be so mean. (sometimes I was shocked when she braved and swallowed her pride to come back "for more" after me being so rude and bad) She never knew though even to this day that I loved that she did not give up. I would have been devastated if she "gave me my space".. (of course don't overkill!) so call her to ck in, say hello, ask how her day was... slowly she will open up as she realises that her being ugly to you will not make you go away. You love her regardless.

I now have a 5mo old son and my mom is my biggest support! Lol, OK OK I still get mad sometimes at her but never disrespectful,. I run to her every time I have a problem as do all my other sisters and though she cannot always "fix it" , she provides love and shoulder to cry on no matter what which helps so much more at times.

She will love you if you don't give up and just walk away cause its hard. I love my mom so much for caring enough to care even when I was being major pain! She does want you there I promise but she just has to go through it first..

Best of luck!

[Hurting Mom]

Thanks to everyone that posted and answer or a suggestion. I wish I could say that time has cooled things down, but it hasn't. I've had NO contact with her, but she's slandering me all over the place and yesterday I was served with papers---her dad is suing me on her behalf! The complaint is for nearly $5,000 (which I don't have) and unless I can pay it (which I can't), I have not choice but to "answer" the complaint and countersue.

[parent25]

What is she suing you for?

[ACE QUEEN]

I'm a single mom who's done everything that's supposed to be right with my daughter--Girl Scout leader, 4-H leader--paid for, driven her to and supported her through dance classes, music lessons, music instruments, etc. I've never missed a performance, recital or event that she's participated in. I cook dinner every night and we eat around a family table with her sibling. She shows large animals--and I've bought the animals, feed & supplies, hauled them around and attended more shows than I can count. Meantime her dad has paid only the required child support and everything else has come out of my pocket. Her relationship with her dad has been strained through the years--he doesn't support her, seldom attends events and even when he does usually leaves before her "turn" even comes up.

She just graduated, although she is yet to turn 18. During the last year she has become increasingly grumpy, but I passed a lot off to stress of senior year. Chores at our house are minimal, but supposedly required. She blew hers off a lot, blaming homework, her new job, etc and frequently I let it slide. Anytime I'd remind her I was "nagging" and if I insisted or threatened to ground her it was termed a "fight."

A week ago, she snuck out of the house in the middle of the night and "went to live with her dad." I was informed by a note left on the couch. Since she is so close to 18, I have no reasonable legal rights to force her to do anything and her dad (suddenly redeemed in her eyes) believes whatever she says. She refuses to talk to me, has only called once--a call requesting the rest of "her things" in which she threatened to call the police. She picked up most of her things (sans police, thank goodness) without a single word to me.

I could have never even imagined something like this happening. We've been as close as I thought it was possible for a mother and daughter to be. I would have called us an ideal family--even if finances are regularly very thin--and I believed with all my heart that keeping kids in worthwhile activities prevented exactly what happened. Never in her entire life have we gone more than a day or two without talking--even when she was on out-of-state trips (that I funded) for her 4-H, band, Girl Scouts...whatever.

I'm absolutely lost and have no idea what to do now. I have a younger child (same father) that I'm trying to keep things as normal as possible for, but my house feels more like there's just been a funeral than anything else.

Help!!!

Hurting Mom

Let her think things over... There has to be a reason why she is acting like that. Do you have a boyfriend that goes to your house? Maybe there is a bit of jealousy... hmm. Were you a "cool mom" or were you just trying to give her a lecture every time she did something you did not agree with? Communication is always the key to a good relationship... I have a friend who always suggests for her son to invite his friends over... She barbeques for them, and then she leaves them alone for the rest of the evening. Her son is about to conclude his career as a pharmacist but he is still very attached to his parents because his mother is a "cool mom" who uses that disguise to keep a close eye to him. If you simply let them do whatever they want to do, then that's exactly what you will get from them, too.

Apparently, your daughter has always had your support... Let's see if she realizes how valuable her mother is.

[rockerchick_682]

I guess she's left you with no choice, call your lawyer, get your evidence together, and countersue.

[confused89]

I'm a single mom who's done everything that's supposed to be right with my daughter--Girl Scout leader, 4-H leader--paid for, driven her to and supported her through dance classes, music lessons, music instruments, etc. I've never missed a performance, recital or event that she's participated in. I cook dinner every night and we eat around a family table with her sibling. She shows large animals--and I've bought the animals, feed & supplies, hauled them around and attended more shows than I can count. Meantime her dad has paid only the required child support and everything else has come out of my pocket. Her relationship with her dad has been strained through the years--he doesn't support her, seldom attends events and even when he does usually leaves before her "turn" even comes up.

She just graduated, although she is yet to turn 18. During the last year she has become increasingly grumpy, but I passed a lot off to stress of senior year. Chores at our house are minimal, but supposedly required. She blew hers off a lot, blaming homework, her new job, etc and frequently I let it slide. Anytime I'd remind her I was "nagging" and if I insisted or threatened to ground her it was termed a "fight."

A week ago, she snuck out of the house in the middle of the night and "went to live with her dad." I was informed by a note left on the couch. Since she is so close to 18, I have no reasonable legal rights to force her to do anything and her dad (suddenly redeemed in her eyes) believes whatever she says. She refuses to talk to me, has only called once--a call requesting the rest of "her things" in which she threatened to call the police. She picked up most of her things (sans police, thank goodness) without a single word to me.

I could have never even imagined something like this happening. We've been as close as I thought it was possible for a mother and daughter to be. I would have called us an ideal family--even if finances are regularly very thin--and I believed with all my heart that keeping kids in worthwhile activities prevented exactly what happened. Never in her entire life have we gone more than a day or two without talking--even when she was on out-of-state trips (that I funded) for her 4-H, band, Girl Scouts...whatever.

I'm absolutely lost and have no idea what to do now. I have a younger child (same father) that I'm trying to keep things as normal as possible for, but my house feels more like there's just been a funeral than anything else.

Help!!!

Hurting Mom

Your daughter needs some time to appreciate what she has. I am around her age and I would love a mother doing all of the things you have worked so hard to provide for her. It will take a lot of time and understanding from both you and her, meaning when she wants to see you and speak to you she will. Let her some to you. Try not to judge her and be patient soon this rebellious stag shall pass.

[Hurting Mom]

I've read through all the answers again today and thank everyone again for the time you took to respond to me. You have given me some things to think about and a lot of hope!

As for the lawsuit, it's supposedly for money, nearly $5,000, but if you look further, the complaint states that she wants court protection to come get the rest of her things. She's already been twice to get stuff--she brought her grandmother over to help and said not a word to me the entire time-- and I'm not stopping her from getting the rest. She's claiming that I won't let her, but in fact, I've not talked to her at all. All she has to do it call me and tell me when.

In fact, the lawsuit is actually from her father, and he's jumping on any chance to get in "her good graces" by "standing up for her" against "mean old mom." The fact that he can bully and embarrass me at the same time is just a bonus!

[NowWhat]

That's a shame. Give your daughter time. Just continue to be the supportive mother you have always been. With the exception of the financial support. If she has a cell phone - that you pay for, turn it off. Don't pay for insurance on her car.
Since the law has been brought in, I would probably write a letter letting her know that while you still love and support her, you can no longer pay her way. So anything you pay for will be no longer. She wants to be all grown up and move out, that is the price of growing up, you take care of your own stuff.

As far as the lawsuit - answer the notice, explain in detail your willingness to let her come and have allowed her to come (specify dates) and pick up her stuff. Until this is over, keep a journal of all contact with her.
Countersue for all court/legal fees due to it's unfounded nature.

Good luck.