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bullsdynasty23 · Mar 27, 2006, 01:52 PM

I've been dating this girl ever since last August, she's 24, I'm 21, she has 2 small children, and everything was going great until mid January. When she went back to school in mid January, we began to not have time to spend together, she always had work to do, so she suggested we take a break, and I agree because I want to be with her, and I felt she wanted to be with me to. We also work together so we thought that would be better than nothing. Now at work, she rarely says anything to me, and she is more friendly with everyone else than she used to be (although she was very friendly to begin with). Yesterday she told me that she invited a couple of girlfrieds and a guy that we work with over to her house to play some cards, and I'm just wondering how she has time for them but none for me. Am I being set up for a breakup, or is this truly a break and can we resume our relationship? We rarely talk on the phone anymore so its hard to tell her how I feel, what should I do?

fredg · Mar 27, 2006, 02:04 PM

Hi, Bull,
I was divorced after my first 7 yrs of marriage with two small boys, now remarried for 29 yrs.
My first actual breakup with my high school sweetheart happened while I was in College, with her going to a different college. It took me a year to get over it; I thought we would eventually be married.
It does sound as if she has ended your relationship. "Taking a break" sometimes means just that; take a break for awhile. Other times, it means it's over.
In this case, I really don't know. Give her some time and space. She might really need some time, seeing others, to really think about this. You have been going together for around 8 months, and now she wants to think about it.
I would leave her alone, speak when you see her, and not try doing anything else. If she wants to get back together with you, I am sure she will let you know. I do wish you the best, and good luck.

Cgirl · Mar 27, 2006, 02:16 PM

This is a tough one, there are many different things that could be going on. In my opinion, it sounds like she might be trying to distance herself from you, she may be feeling like she wants to be single right now while she is going to school. This is a hard situation since you two work together, but if she is juggling school, work, and two kids, she may be feeling a little overwhelmed. Maybe she is just a little scared and wants to slow things down a bit. Was she ever hurt really bad by someone in a previous relationship? Since she has two kids, this is even a bigger factor, because she is not only protecting herself, but her two kids as well.
I would maybe give her some space for a while, the fact that she is telling you she invited these people over from your work but not you could be a subtle way of telling you to back off a little(not that you aren't already.)
IF you are taking a break, are you still committed to each other or are you free to date other people? If I were you and you really care about this girl I would definitely back away for a little while and not even talk to her and see what happens. If you can't do this then maybe you need to get her to sit down with you and tell it like it is. Honesty is the best policy, but she may have a hard time telling you how she feels, so just try to not push her. Hang in there! I wish you the best! :)

phillysteakandcheese · Mar 27, 2006, 05:05 PM

Let me echo the others, and agree... give her time and space.

It might be over. It might just be time to slow down... Only time will tell, and you should keep busy with your friends and activities and let her do what she will while you are apart.

s_cianci · Mar 27, 2006, 07:04 PM

Unfortunately it sounds as if she's lost interest in you. I can't say how or why but I'd pick up and move on and not count on seeing much of her from now on.

simpleguy · Mar 27, 2006, 08:39 PM

Hi Bull,

I know my first beakup occurred as I started college and it was hard. I suggest you constructively approach your situation. For instance you may join the card party, allowing her space, but also open your eyes to the girls she invites. Even be helpful to her at the party as helping to say clean some soiled dishes and make sure you bring your share of the food. By this you demonstrate your respect for the distanced girlfriend, your maturity, and possibly open doors to something new and better. Even suggest another party at your place. The girls that show up are prospects maybe even the distanced girlfriend shows. Also find out what card games are played before hand so you may practice any unfamiliar games,

bullsdynasty23 · Mar 27, 2006, 10:34 PM

She has come off a bad relationship with her kids dad, he was in and out of jail and rehab, I thought maybe that could make her nervous as I am her first boyfriend since she left him, and she did say that staying with him for so long and going through that did effect her. But we worked together for quite some time before we started dating, the reason I finally got up enough nerve to ask her out was because someone else told me that she really liked me, just don't understand how you can lose interest in someone who really treats you better than anybody you've ever been with. I feel like I've waited this long, she graduates in a month 1/2 so maybe things will be like they were before, I'm waiting because I have the hope that it will. We never discussed dating other people when we decided to take a break, so I'm assuming that we are still committed to each other. I think our problem is that we never have a chance to talk, I can accept not hangin out and doing stuff together, if she can't have time, but only talking at work really keeps me from telling her how I feel. She eventually didn't have those people over because she wasn't home, but the fact that she invited them (specifically the guy) kind of makes me think she's just letting me down gently because she knows she is my first serious girlfriend.

fredg · Mar 28, 2006, 06:59 AM

Hi, Bulls,
Have you ever noticed that most of us "make time" for the things that are really, really important to us?
Whenever someone says, "I just don't have time right now", they usually mean that it's not that important to them. We all have priorities, and those are what we do first. Those priorities are the most important to us. If another priority comes along, then we do that first. I know this is an extreme example, but if someone passes away, there are many who make the effort and go to the wake, funeral, etc. That is extreme, but an example of "priorities".
This girl is just not that interested in you right now. But, I would still give her some time; maybe she will be.

DJ 'H' · Mar 28, 2006, 07:08 AM

You have got to keep going. Don't sit at home and mope. Cal your mates up, go out, have a few drinks, play some pool - go clubbing, whatever it is you like doing. Keep busy and do the things you enjoy.

Don't sit by the phone waiting for her to call, don't get angry that she is not including you in things and best of all don't let your world stop moving just because you are not together. I am not sure what her intentions are, but it sounds to me like she just wants to be your friend as opposed to anything more.

The best advice I can give you is to be yourself, do the things you enjoy, hang out with your friends. All will become clear!

blueiman · Mar 28, 2006, 10:03 AM

First of you are in a break. So, that means you have to move on. Second, she is leaving you alone because she does not want to lead you on. This is a good thing. Third, she is not making time for you (same as second part). So, you have to leave her alone. Be friendly but do not read too much into it. The only way to do that is to get busy with other things that are important to you. She may come around when she sees/knows you're doing well without her. Good luck.

kp2171 · Mar 28, 2006, 10:31 AM

After a huge breakup of a 6 year relationship, and then almost 2 yrs not dating, I dated a great girl who was returning to college. She'd also previously broken up with a guy she'd dated for years and expected to marry.

Well... things seemed good enough, but it was clear at the end she was a little uncomfortable... as in past the old relationship, but "issues" were still there. So we suddenly had a break, she wasn't going to date right now. And the rest of it became distance until we just never talked.

And I can tell you it hurt a bit because we were in the same circles. There was no reason we couldn't still hang around, be friends. But there was a reason. I don't know what it is, but she had some reason. Maybe I wasn't what she wanted. Maybe she was focused on her finishing school. Maybe I was what she wanted but wasn't ready for that yet. You'd have to ask her.

Your situation is also compounded because of the children. She is a mother. She needs to be prepared for her children to become attached to someone... and that's not easy to do when you don't know if that someone is the one you want or if they would want you. When I began dating my wife she told me at one point that if I wasn't ready to be a major part of her daughter's life, it was time to move on. She'd have little panic attacks about whether she was doing the right thing for her child by spending time and attention on me.

All I'm trying to say, though done poorly, is maybe she is not certain she's ready to fully integrate another person into her life and the lives of her children. She might think you are great. She just might not be ready.

This is all speculation.

If you really want to know, I'd suggest trying to get her to go to lunch and have a talk. If she refuses, you need to tell her you are done waiting, but since it is a workplace, you need to be respectful and considerate. If she agrees, again, your goal is to understand the distance, being respectful and considerate.

I'd say get mentally prepared to say this just didn't work out for whatever reason. Better to be done with something that's not going to work than to wallow in it and waste time.

bullsdynasty23 · Mar 28, 2006, 12:48 PM

When we first decided to do this, I told her I didn't want to, and she was like neither do I,but we really have no choice. She did say that if we had of kept going without seeing each other, and it hadve gotten to the point where we did break up it would have broke her heart, so I guess I kind of hope that's how she still feels. Basically I guess we need to just sit down and talk about how we feel, let her know how I feel, see if she still feels the same as she did 2 1/2 months ago when we decided to do this. I just don't want to be waiting from the end of January to mid-march on a her, and then once mid-march comes, have her say, "i dont think its gonna work," that's what scares me more than anything.

DJ 'H' · Mar 29, 2006, 01:33 AM

She is lettinh you down gently don't be fooled. She feels bad and knows you have not done anything wrong, so she is trying to make things easy on you and better for herself.

Don't wait for her. Get out there and enjoy yourself, if you meet another girl and get on well then go for it. You are well within your right too and it will be her loss not yours.

Seriously, wise up and see things for what they are. Look outside the box, not inside.

sassycee · May 6, 2007, 04:58 PM

Originally Posted by bullsdynasty23

I've been dating this girl ever since last August, shes 24, im 21, she has 2 small children, and everything was going great until mid January. When she went back to school in mid january, we began to not have time to spend together, she always had work to do, so she suggested we take a break, and i agree because i want to be with her, and i felt she wanted to be with me to. We also work together so we thought that would be better than nothing. Now at work, she rarely says anything to me, and she is more friendly with everyone else than she used to be (although she was very friendly to begin with). yesterday she told me that she invited a couple of girlfrieds and a guy that we work with over to her house to play some cards, and im just wondering how she has time for them but none for me. am i being set up for a breakup, or is this truly a break and can we resume our relationship? we rarely talk on the phone anymore so its hard to tell her how i feel, what should i do?

Let her go and go on with your life. Life is to short to play games