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    nauticalstar420's Avatar
    nauticalstar420 Posts: 3,699, Reputation: 423
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    #1

    Jul 5, 2008, 01:57 PM
    A friend's marriage in trouble?
    My best friend is in need of a little advice, and I need some help on what to tell her.

    Her and her husband have been married for one and a half years. She just recently gave birth to their ADORABLE baby boy.

    Ever since the baby came, he does not show interest in her (sexually, or emotionally), whatsoever. When she tries to talk to him about this, he acts like it is a joke and will just brush her off (not taking her seriously whatsoever) -- but still insists that he is interested, and still attracted to her. His actions show differently.

    Their little boy will sleep for hours and hours straight, believe me I have seen evidence of this. She tries to take advantage of that time and spend a little "time" with her husband, but he always makes excuses as to why they can't have sex. He spends all day either playing games on the computer, or sleeping. They don't talk much anymore either. It is almost as if they are just roommates, rather than a married couple.

    It is almost as if they have ceased being a couple. She is not happy anymore, but is unsure of what to do about it. Is there anyone out there that has gone through this, and can maybe give me a little insight on how you handled the situation? Even if you haven't gone through it, I'd still love your opinion.

    Thank you so much! :)
    startover22's Avatar
    startover22 Posts: 2,758, Reputation: 363
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    #2

    Jul 5, 2008, 02:06 PM
    She needs to be completely up front and honest and tell him how it is really bearing on her. If he still brushes her off, I would tell my friend to come and stay with me (space and family willing) till he decides he wants to listen, then talk and see what happens again. These things take time, she needs to be totally honest with him and since this is a newer marriage, I think a bit of therapy will help. Having to say things out loud with someone else there sure puts everything back into perspective. That way he can be called out on his VERY normal behavior. Many men do this, and it may be in his best interest to get help before it feels like its too late;) Good luck to your friend Star!
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #3

    Jul 5, 2008, 02:09 PM
    This is actually often common, but the factors are often different, the baby changes a lot of things, first the husband is the major factor in the wife's life, also the idea that sex equals baby is really more real, and often the idea of having another baby is not wanted. But in the end the reason has to be found and dealt with, She needs to demand that he talk to her about it, and/or get counseling
    nauticalstar420's Avatar
    nauticalstar420 Posts: 3,699, Reputation: 423
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    #4

    Jul 5, 2008, 02:10 PM
    Oh I'd let her stay with me in a heartbeat :) I love her.

    She has tried talking to him MULTIPLE times, and he pulls the same thing every time. I'll tell her about the therapy, although he doesn't seem the type that would agree to it. :(

    Its almost as if he has given up.
    startover22's Avatar
    startover22 Posts: 2,758, Reputation: 363
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    #5

    Jul 5, 2008, 02:19 PM
    Some men just don't get it, until you lay it all on the line Star. If that is what it takes, to break something to fix it, then so be it. I agree this is a normal feeling for him to have, but sometimes it can go on too long and never be fixed or even dealt with. I would tell her to come and stay with the sweet baby and tell him when he is ready, then she will talk to him. If he needs to work on his communication skills, then tell him to do that too.
    nauticalstar420's Avatar
    nauticalstar420 Posts: 3,699, Reputation: 423
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    #6

    Jul 5, 2008, 02:26 PM
    Its not just the sex part though... I mean he doesn't do anything, period. I mean just simple things like taking out the garbage. She has to beg him to take out the garbage, and he will either straight up ignore her, or he'll say he'll do it and never does.

    Literally, his day consists of playing computer games... thats it. He'll go out and work on his car every once in a while, but that's pretty much the extent of what he does.

    All of this stuff together is starting to catch up with her, and she's starting to realize that she's not happy.
    startover22's Avatar
    startover22 Posts: 2,758, Reputation: 363
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    #7

    Jul 5, 2008, 02:32 PM
    This is when she lays everything on the line. If he sees the light then great. If he doesn't then would anyone blame her not to get the hell out? Tell her to lay it on the line, and say what she means. Do what she says no matter how hard, tell her to tell him she loves him, but she doesn't feel loved and that is that. Until he want to make it work, it won't and she will be completely unhappy, please trust me on this Star, I understand this.
    nauticalstar420's Avatar
    nauticalstar420 Posts: 3,699, Reputation: 423
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    #8

    Jul 5, 2008, 02:41 PM
    Thank you start you are awesome :)
    startover22's Avatar
    startover22 Posts: 2,758, Reputation: 363
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    #9

    Jul 5, 2008, 03:34 PM
    No problem Star. I hope it all works out.;)
    George_1950's Avatar
    George_1950 Posts: 3,099, Reputation: 236
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    #10

    Jul 5, 2008, 05:46 PM
    Here's a neat article: "The initial high that many fathers experience after the birth of a child can give way to feelings of isolation and depression. Depression in men typically takes on the form of solitude, or seeking distractions in the form of drink, hobbies, television, etc. They may become more irritable, impatient and even aggressive." See: Fathers Get Postpartum Depression
    0rphan's Avatar
    0rphan Posts: 1,282, Reputation: 240
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    #11

    Jul 6, 2008, 01:18 PM
    I go with george on this, typical signs of postpartum depression.

    He needs to visit a doctor, if your friend continually confronts him, which you say she's doing then it is just adds to his burden, he will just turn into his shell even more.
    Sadley he really cannot help how he is behaving and I know this is of no help to your friend, but she will need to have lots of patience, giving him lots of praise for any tiny contribution that he can manage.

    Sex will have to go on hold for a while until his mental state can return to normality, when eventually he will come to her.

    TRy to explain to her that it is a medical condition that many men suffer from after the birth of a child.

    Goodluck
    startover22's Avatar
    startover22 Posts: 2,758, Reputation: 363
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    #12

    Jul 6, 2008, 01:27 PM
    As I agree with you Orphan totally and completely. He needs some help getting there I think. She said that he doesn't want to talk and doesn't take her seriously with any talking so before it gets to the point of no return, I feel as if she has to push him in a "bigger" way. I agree that talking about it may be pushing him into the shell you are talking about, but as it stands... it looks as though there is no other way then to get drastic. THAT doesn't mean be a rude and nasty person to him, that just means lay it on the line to either care enough to get some help or say see you later, until he does. I strongly believe that there is a "point of no return" and I wish it on no one. You will go through life stuck where you are unless it is dealt with in a serious manner.

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