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fjsmith81 · Jul 3, 2008, 10:41 AM

So, I met this guy about six months ago through some random associate of mine. He asked me for my phone number about two months ago after that. He always initiated the phone calls and texts. We hung out a few times and we started getting close. We eventually became intimate. After that, what a surpise, he started becoming distant, but that didn't bother me. About two weeks ago he calls me and I am already out with my friends and I tell him where I am and he shows up. I tell him that he irritates me because he treated the situation like a typical man of course. I am drunk and he acts like he wants to pick up where it left off and I explain to him that I don't know what type of woman he thinks I am, but I am not the type of woman to sit around and wait for someone to call me. I then go on to tell him that I think that he is a very nice and funny guy, but he is not the one for me and that he needs to understand that he is so replaceable. He apologizes and says that he knows he messed up with me, and tells me that he hasn't been doing the things that he should be in his life and moreover with me. I then reiterate to him that I used to like him, but now we are just on a friend level. (On a side note I am the type of woman that doesn't have sex with men that often and if I do have sex with someone they eventually become my boyfriend or my friend with benefits) He became my friend with benefits. So I called him up a couple of times to have sex and that's it. But during the last time of sex I could tell he was getting a little attached because it was a little more intimate than previous times and he wanted to talk and cuddle, but I don't feel the same way. Last night a friend told me that he was going around telling people that we are dating. Which is a lie. And that I want more from the relationship that he wants. And that is an utter lie. My question is why would he say those things when I am the one that specifically laid out our status? And furthermore I want to know how to approach this issue because I was going to call him right away, but my friend tells me to wait until we are out again and ask him what he thinks our status is and what he thinks I want out of this and go on to ask him why he is lying.

N0help4u · Jul 3, 2008, 11:06 AM

How to deal with it... don't go out with him.
If you want people to believe your not seeing him don't be seen with him.
If you want him to get a clear message don't go out with him.

plonak · Jul 3, 2008, 11:24 AM

My advice is be mature about this!! You have to understand that "friends with benefits" almost NEVER works.. there is always someone that is going to get attached. Sex is meant to be intimate and is meant to bring two people closer emotionally.. and with you.. in this relationship, you are able to detach that part of it and indulge in your carnal desires.. and he's the one getting attached..

Sorry girl, the world just doesn't work like that.. the whole "friends with benefits" working successfully is a myth in my opinion.. but going back to your question.. what do you expect when you're having sex with him? If he's getting attached, of course he's going to think you're dating.. Why are you so perplexed by this? And why do you care what people think?? Grow up please. And talk to the guy.. tell him your intensions and if he's not up to them (which he proly isnt) then cut off the relationship..

fjsmith81 · Jul 3, 2008, 11:41 AM

Originally Posted by plonak

My advice is be mature about this!!! you have to understand that "friends with benefits" almost NEVER works.. there is always someone that is going to get attached. Sex is meant to be intimate and is meant to bring two people closer emotionally.. and with you.. in this relationship, you are able to detach that part of it and indulge in your carnal desires.. and he's the one getting attached..

Sorry girl, the world just doesn't work like that.. the whole "friends with benefits" working successfully is a myth in my opinion.. but going back to your question.. what do you expect when you're having sex with him?? if he's getting attached, of course he's going to think you're dating.. Why are you so perplexed by this?? and why do you care what people think???? grow up please. and talk to the guy.. tell him your intensions and if he's not up to them (which he proly isnt) then cut off the relationship..

Plonak,
I am mature about the situation. I am 26 years old I really understand the dynamics of a friends with benefits relationship. I understand that someone is going to get attached, but I don't understand is why he would blatantly lie and say that I am the one that is getting attached when I have clearly stated my intentions. And I am sorry, but usually men are not the ones to get attached in a friends with benefits relationship so that is another reason I don't understand what is up with him. Everyone cares what people think and anyone that says that they don't have at least one person in their life that they care what they think of them is lying. I am not saying that I care what people think. I simply want to know what the lying is all about. Especially if you have a situation that is handed to you on a silver platter, such as sex, no emotional attachment from the other party, a girl that encourages you to date, and one that you have fun with. He and I are friends we laugh, we poke fun at one another, and we can just talk. I don't understand why he would lie. I don't give him that impression especially when I flat out tell him go out with that girl she seems nice and he sees me on dates with other people. Is it denial from his part? Or is it that he has low self-esteem and he wants to make it seem like he is the one that has the upper hand so to speak?

plonak · Jul 3, 2008, 11:45 AM

Ok your assumption that men don't get attached to sex is completely wrong.. yes, there are certain type of men that are promiscious and all but there are lots of women too.. don't assume that just because he's a guy that it automatically means he won't get attached.. it's just not right..

Ok going back, why don't you talk to the guy if it bothers you what he's saying to other people?. stop trying to read between the lines, just simply communicate with him.. you're putting way too much into this.. stop decoding his behavior and TALK! You will be amazed at how easily your little problem will be solved

N0help4u · Jul 3, 2008, 11:45 AM

Bottom line why he would lie:
To inflate his ego
His interpretation of 'friends with benefits'
Hoping that somehow you will comply with what he is saying.

And yes some guys do get attached

fjsmith81 · Jul 3, 2008, 11:59 AM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

How to deal with it.....don't go out with him.
If you want people to believe your not seeing him don't be seen with him.
If you want him to get a clear message don't go out with him.

Nohelp4u,
I don't understand why people do that. What is going to help for me not to go out with him again? I have a good time when I am out with him. I consider him one of my friends. I understand that people are going to assume what they want on their own, but what I don't understand why he would tell people what they should assume. (if I worded that correctly) I am not trying to give him a message and I think those are games that women play when they are dating someone. I am not trying to date him (on a side note I hate when people give that advice to ignore a man. I understand to not call excessively or stalk but usually more times than none the woman always ignores the man she's cracking up inside trying so hard to ignore him, he doesn't even know or care about what's going on, then the man calls or sees her, then she's jumping up and down so excited, and then what? It's like a little dance. A man is not going to ignore a woman to get her to notice him he's just going to ignore her because he's bored or has something better to do.) So thank you for the advice, but I will go out with him again. That's not the issue I wanted to know why he lied and how I should bring up the issue with him because I have to say something.

fjsmith81 · Jul 3, 2008, 12:03 PM

Originally Posted by plonak

Ok your assumption that men don't get attached to sex is completly wrong.. yes, there are certain type of men that are promiscious and all but there are lots of women too.. don't assume that just because he's a guy that it automatically means he wont get attached.. it's just not right..

Ok going back, why dont you talk to the guy if it bothers you what he's saying to other people?.. stop trying to read between the lines, just simply communicate with him.. you're putting way too much into this.. stop decoding his behavior and TALK! you will be amazed at how easily your little problem will be solved

I understand that, but seriously how often does it happen that men get attached? I can understand how he could get attached, I am fabulous. (just kidding)
I am going to talk to him. If you read back to my initial question I wanted to know if I should just outright call him and talk to him or simply wait until we are out again and casually bring it up

plonak · Jul 3, 2008, 12:12 PM

I would do what you feel comfortable with... I don't really know the whole dynamics of the relationship...

It might be hard to have a serious talk with him where your friends are around goofing around.. I suggest you call him up, ask him to get coffee, but don't say the dreaded words "we need to talk"... and just talk to him then.. don't sound too serious and just be honest and ask him to be honest also.. and go from there.. good luck

N0help4u · Jul 3, 2008, 12:14 PM

It is your decision if you want to continue seeing him, but you will have to make it clear to him that he needs to stop telling people things that are not true. Even though you are not trying to give him a message HE wants to read messages that you don't see but to him he takes it that way. I am not saying you are trying to give him a message.
I already gave you three reasons guys will tell stories.