[Riam31]

My husband and I have been married for 14 years and never in that time had I ever looked at his cellphone or the numbers on the bill. I woke up one day and something told me to check. I did and found he had other women in his contact list. He had been a manager at an automotive retail store and said they were people he referred to mechanics he had a rapport with and I'm thinking BS! I told him if he called or they called him again there would be serious problems. Since then I find myself checking the phone bill online and there are still even more strange numbers and that he must think I am stupid. He lies I know he is lying and I know he is. This all is actually making me physically ill. I honestly believe I could deal with it better if he just told the truth. I told him if he wants to stay in the house and he live his life and I live mine then let me know but he swears he loves me and isn't doing anything but going to work and coming home and that he doesn't have time for anything else again my response BS anybody can find time to do what they want. PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK !

[twinkiedooter]

I think you are being over paranoid about this entire situation. Stop looking at his cell phone numbers for one. You are about to drive a good man away using both hands. Does he spend a lot of time away from home lately? If not, then he is telling the truth. Please stop beating yourself up over this as you will never trust him again if you don't.

[Riam31]

I may be over paranoid but how do you get past someone lying to you? As I said before people can find time to do what they want without being away at unexpected times. Emotional Infidelity is becoming just as prominent as Sexual Infidelity.

[RedneckMama]

What exactly is he lying about? He gave you an explanation about the numbers, if you don't believe him... well, there's not much he can do about that to convince you, is there? You could call these numbers yourself and have a conversation with each one until you are satisfied that nothing is going on..

You mentioned finding even more strange numbers on his phone bill... are you looking at how long the calls typically last? They could be wrong numbers... What do you mean by strange numbers? Have you tried calling these numbers to find out who they belong to?

I know it's hard when you have a suspicion about something, but you have to give your husband the benefit of the doubt... you haven't caught him at anything, have you? Then you can't say for sure that anything is going on... try to move past this and believe him when he tells you there's nothing going on.. believe him until you have a VALID reason not to...

Otherwise, you will only create conflict in your marriage, and that will only serve to make you more physically ill...

[packers 4]

If he's going out at night or coming home late you could be worrying for nothing. I was married 21 years I notice bed not made someone I thought was friend coming or going as iworked. She would get mad if I stayed home sick os vacation .theres a lot more but I had proof,you don't. Just forget and live a happy life. Divorce is ugly, and costly.Hurts like hell

[kp2171]

I'm not taking his side... seriously... what proof do you have of anything?

A cell phone number?? Dear Lord.. if I traced and tracked every number on my wife's cell id go mad.

What PROOF do you have of his being involved with anyone other than numbers you don't know?

I'm not taking his side... I'm asking for evidence of infidelity, emotional or otherwise.

I completely agree that a partner can ruin a marriage with emotional energy directed at another person. I just railed a new member up and down just for that.

But here... you've really shown nothing other than he has the numbers of people you don't know, some of whom are women.

If that were reason alone to end a marriage, mine would have been over years ago.

[George_1950]

You could seek counseling from the local mental health clinic and meet with a private investigator to see what services and charges are involved with gathering evidence. Good luck!

[JBeaucaire]

The lying is coming from your own mind. Without proof of wrongdoing other than your own suspicions, you've tried and convicted him. You've listened to fear and turned them into facts that aren't... and that is lying, pure and simple. But it's your doing, not his.

I hope he's smart enough to not even bother trying to talk you down from this rooftop you've put yourself on. Every word in his defense you will simply consider fuel on your suspicious fire.

How do you get over the lying? Ask him! You said you loved him and then you started this crap. I'd consider that lying. How fair is that to you? Not fair? Well, it's nothing compared to what you're doing.

You need some counseling and a reality check. I can think of no easier way to get a faithful man to cheat than to do exactly what you're doing. When he finally gives in to your demands and cheats, you'll say "see, I told you"... and he'll say, "Yes, "Yes, you told me to." told me to."

Any chance at all you understand that process? Does he have any chance of getting his reasonable, loving wife back, or has she gone for good?

How's the view up there?

[kp2171]

From another thread where the OP posted...
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...ml#post1113445

You are clearly upset about the porn and his lying about it... having unknown cell numbers still isn't proof of anything, anymore than atm withdrawals are proof of cash needed for the strip club.

Again... I have no reason to defend him and be against you. There are a lot of ways to catch a cheater, and one is looking through a cell... this also means there are trust issues on both sides, since now you are rummaging through things looking to find something.

Medical students diagnose themselves all the time with the disease of the week taught in class. When your mind suspects something, it jades your thoughts. You can easily be turning your anger over porn into other trust issues that don't exist except in your mind.

And then we all know people can cheat and do cheat and sometimes your intuition is right. Clearly you are at a place where you need to resolve this one way or another... you can't stay in the marriage with this anger and frustration and expect it to last.

[confused1145]

I to agree with the others, these numbers mean nothing until you find out they are seeing him. It may be for businesss purposes. Call them to see. He's not showing any signs of cheating. If you don't stop now with the accusations than he is going to start cheating and like someone else said you will be to blame for it.

[Riam31]

Thank you all for your input. I have to say after 15 years you wake up and get a feeling you are suppose to ignore it? My aunt had a feeling and everyone told her basically the same things you all are saying, so she said nothing else to anyone. She fell ill and went to her Doctor and they told her she had a cold she couldn't shake. She went back when she wasn't seeming to get any better and they did blood work to make a long story short her husband loved her to DEATH literally. She had full blown AIDS and he knew he had it and was on medication. He was home on time and portrayed the perfect husband but all along he was seeing the other woman on his lunch hour. He is still alive while my aunt is dead because he didn't tell her the truth and to the writer who asked "How is the air up here"? It's just fine I would rather be here breathing, than 6"ft dead and buried.

[JBeaucaire]

I'm sorry, but your situation is NOT the same as your aunt's. You don't want to die, so you should pursue these fears to their logical conclusion? That's just nuts to believe out of hand.

Either you're right, and you probably end it because your fears are proven, or I'm right and you end it by driving your loving husband away.

To me it sounds like you lose either way. If you're right, then this is pretty much bust anyway, right? If he has done these things and you finally prove it, you're leaving, right? Or are you considering finding all this out and then forgiving him anyway?

There is the 3rd option I suggested, don't convict or mistrust your life until standing face to face with the actual undeniable evidence. If there really is nothing going on, on the "slim" chance you're wrong and he's really innocent, wouldn't you like to not lose your man over your mistake?

I hope the answer is yes, so you should at least consider the possibility. That's all I'm really saying.

And don't forget, we DO only respond here based on the story as it is told. You say "we don't know the whole story" as if that makes my suggestions wrong. It doesn't. If you are wrong, and without actual evidence you've already admitted you don't actually have, then that possibility does still exist. If you are wrong, then my suggestion to not drive your man out the door with unsubstantiated accusations is the correct choice.

You asked for feedback and I'm suggesting what I believe would help you most. I actually believe it is to your benefit to think about it. But you don't have to agree.

[kp2171]

This is really reaching now.

Yes... when a partner steps out he or she can endanger anyone he or she sleeps with by std transmission.

You have a "feeling"... OK... then own it and act on it. Even without proof of infidelity.

What you don't get to do is stay and complain. If you stay you either accept it (whatever "it" is... I'm not even sure I know other than he likes porn and hides it from you poorly) or you leave.

Its OK to leave mad and angry and hurt. Maybe you are right. Maybe you are not. Maybe you need to rant because you are hurt and irritated that you are in this spot where you are now questioning everything because of the lies about porn.

OK. Its your marriage and you get to draw the lines.

But a "feeling"... it can be intuition and it can be paranoia. Dead on right or skewed and wrong.

[rsvp209]

I have just one Question, if these numbers were people that he referred, why would they be saved? And why ALL women at that! It's an Automotive Retail store, I didn't know women were the #1 customers! It's one thing to have numbers on his phone that he has called or made calls to for other people, but then the same numbers should not keep coming up in his phone... once you refer someone, you are no longer the middle man, so he has no need to keep them... tell him to delete all the numbers in front of you and see what his reaction is! Have you had any reason to not trust him though? Any bad blood lately or a woman problem in the past? Make sure you go over this very thuroughly before you chuck 14 yrs. Of marriage. It is hurtful, but like one responder said, don't let fear get in the wy of your emotions, you need to trust your heart... -

[Riam31]

I agree with you whole heartedly. Mind you he had not been in the automotive retail industry in 8 months yet he claims he was referring these women. That had been previous customers of his. Okay if they were previous customers why were the numbers saved in the phone (personal cell phone) and calls had been made both ways for over a period of 6 months after he left that line of work. It's only so much of turning the other cheek a person can do before it's time to move on. I know JB is going to chew on me for this one but I think he is a pathalogical liar. I asked him yesterday had he talked to the real estate agent we are currently dealing with and he told me no he hadn't and the real estate agent told me today when he called me I got your number when your husband called me yesterday and told me to coordinate my schedule with you. Now JB please explain what is there to lie about that for? The most recent number I found was to a hospital blood bank I knew I recognized the number when I called information to get it to call inquiring about their hours to donate blood for my aunt's upcoming heart surgery. What do I find it was the same number he called so instead of accusing, I asked him if he was all right health wise and was his mother and he assured me he was fine and she was too. So I asked him now he had just called the number 2 days prior and he swore he couldn't remember why he called then it dawned on him (a number he has been calling for 3 months) he had called a friend of his mothers with a price for some tires from the company he hasn't worked at in over a year. So OK no biggie I look at his phone he had deleted the call. Why delete it if it was a friend of your mother's and I already new the number?

[kp2171]

So what do you do next?

[Riam31]

KP I tried to send you a message thanking you for your advice. As far as what I do now, that's what I am trying to figure out what's best for me and my kids...

[JBeaucaire]

Just as an exercise in fairness, let's assume your fears are founded and you're required to plan your next step. Instead of us telling you why / how / what you should do next... you do it here as an either/or experiment.

First, complete/defend the statement: "This is true and I should leave because..."
Second, complete/defend the statement: "This is true but I should stay/work this through because..."

Try to be concise in each defense, use short power statements.

Once you've done this fully, there will probably already be a clear path for you, and next will just be about strength of resolve.

(notice I'm not chewing on you... <wink>)

[michaelslife]

If you have no proof he's lying your becoming over paranoid. Just because there are strange numbers don't mean he is cheating. Good luck god bless