[samjg]

Hey I am a 16 yr old girl dating a 23yr old guy, we have been together for over a year now, and in the past few months all have been doing is arguing over everything which I think is partially my fault, we have lived together for about a year now also, we both work, but I am really unhapy wit our relationship I have threatened him 2 pack his stuff and leave and he did and I lost it, I slapped him, things haven't been the same since, the next day we talked and he moved bak in, we have argued since then over anything and everything, he treats me like a rag doll, and I am sick of it, he doesn't care about how I feel about anything and he never listens to anything I say, we haven't gone out and done anything in so long because his car is off the road so we can't get out, and all the money is going towards it, and if I ask him to take me somewhere he says he can't as we have no money but later on he tells me he is going to the pub or clubbin or something, it really upsets me, I don't know what to do. I do love him I'm just sick of hurting and feeling like nothing, he never tells me he loves me anymore, or never compliments me on anything, I buy him things I make his lunch, breakfast and dinner and I never get a thank you, I am not appreciated. The other night I rang him because he was 2 hrs late from work (not checking up just making sure things were ok) because he promised to be home to spend the night with me so we could talk, and anywayz on the phone he told me they were just having a few drinks down there and asked if I wanted to come down, so I went and got ready, and got a lift down so we sat around he ended up drinking 2 cartons while I had 1 beer, then when we were about to leave and his mates all said lets go to there house to drink and it was late and I said no and I told him I would be pised off if he went because he promised to spend time with me so with that he chucked this big tantrum and started calling me a sl*T and a bit*h, and every other name but before that I was walking away nwhen I heard him say them I lost it and ran towards him and flogged him a fair amount of times in the head and he was grabbing my throat and threw me on the road then his mates got out of the car and yer, I started walkn home and he follwed we argued all the way home! He said there was nothing I could say or do to try and fix things now, and we got home and the next day he thought about it and said he would stay as long as he is allowed to go out everynite he wants, drink however much he wants (alot :(... ) an meet up with other girls and hpz if other ****, I was so confused it was either be unhappy with him or unhappy without him, but yer I don't know I feel like I am losing it, I love him and I hate the way things are and the fact he doesn't care, needless to say since then he has gone out on the piss every night and everyday, he is in the goldy now pised of his head, I just want him to be a proper boyfriend, I don't want to have to leave, I couldn't do it! PLEASE HELP ME , I don't even get sex anymore as he "just isnt interested in sex anymore" , and that is a major thing for me also in relatinships what do I do?
Thank you sorry it was long and a whole life story, first time :)

[fredg]

Hi, samjg,
At 16, you have "grown" more than most 16 year old girls! You have your own job, and are living with a 23 yr old man.
Have you considered the fact that this isn't your fault? Your boyfriend has no respect for you, is using your own money, wants to do things without you, and in general, is treating you very badly.
Love hurts sometimes. I was divorced after my first 7 years of marriage, with two small children... took me 3 yrs to get over it, and re-marry; now for 29 years to a wonderful woman.
It's time to move on, get control of your life, and start meeting new men.
You are letting him take advantage of you, and I know you probably don't want to hear this, but you will be MUCH better off without him.
With a Smile on your face, meeting new people, you will eventually begin to lose some of the "hurt", and find a man who will respect you, care for you, and love you. Your boyfriend isn't that man.
I do wish you the very best, and please get away from this person, finding a better life.

[Fr_Chuck]

Love is tought and you have had to grow up way to fast by living with someone at just 15 I will assume and now 16. The plain facts are that you are now maturing and growing up ( sorry know that is not the words you beleive) and he is just the same party guy. But he is tired of doing the party with you and is going out with his friends instead of you.

If he loved you he would be taking you with him to the pub and going out.
He has plenty of money to go out on, or even get a different car if he wanted to, since he has money to go to the "pub" and have drinks with his friends. If this money was not spent that way, there would be plenty of money.

He is taking serious advantage of you, he has no respect for you, and you are starting to see this. If you don't respect yourself and demand better you will end up with losers like this guy all of your life.

You did not say what you are doing about school, still going, working on a GED or what, but also without a proper education, you will limit your life to often what you see happening in your life right now.

Also you did not mention your parents, but there must be seroius issues there and perhaps this guy was the first ride out of that problem and you merely traded problems.

You were most likely (this is going to sound hard) but most likely the fun ride of the year last year and he is tired of it now and wanting to find a new atttraction, but just has not found one willing to put up with his ways yet.

You deserve better, you need better. But the choice is up to you

[iamarcin]

I'm a guy and I believe this guy is looking for a way out
Tell him you want a break that will probably be the end of it all
I don't suppose either of you are happy right now so do the logical thing and end it because he does not have the courage to do it himself

[talaniman]

If anyone needs time to get their head together and sort things out You do! You have based your whole life on a man who cannot give you what you need to be a happy human being! You've spent your whole youth in the service of another and have not worked on yourself or your own hopes and dreams to make you a more productive and happy person. It is time to re-evaluate your situation and do something about it to make yourself more independent and find out who you really are. This relationship is not healthy and you really don't need to be a part of it.:cool:

[JoeCanada76]

I agree with others advice. He is looking for a way out. I think right away one of the biggest problems is the age difference. Not usually a problem but you are 16 years of age. Honestly you should not have experienced what you have experienced until the later age. You have matured more quickly then others and you know what is wrong and what is right. He obvously wants to be with other people and is very immature person. He needs a lot of growing up to do and maybe it is time for you to let him go. He does not want to be with you anymore. He wants to do whatever he wants. He does not think of you at all and that means that he was probably just using you. So you need to get rid of him. Let him go. Live your own life and grow more on your own with a better life for yourself. It is not worth keeping a person like him around. He does not love you. It will not work. Time to end it for good. So now it is time to do something for yourself and do things for yourself.


Joe

[Chery]

I have not read any other comments except for yours, so please excuse if I say or repeat things others have probably told you here.
First, you're sixteen!! What are you doing with him? He's set in his ways and will not change for a young girl (sorry but that's what you still are) to have a little romp in bed with.
He does not intend to make this relationship permanent - and seriously you don't want it either.
You are just afraid of being alone - not having a boyfriend - no matter how ill you get treated. You need to be alone to collect yourself, find out your interests and goals in life (besides just sex with someone and arguments).

Concentrate on your job and find out what other things in life might interest you to broaden your spectrum. Girl, you are just starting your life, don't waste it, PLEASE!! It's obvious you also have a temper - this you should check out and find out if this is your 'real you' or just a reaction to actions you are used to in your past and present.

Wouldn't it really be nice to have a relationship to share common interests, have fun, cuddle, go out - instead of being tied to the house and 'playing' housewife... Get off that trip before it does something to you that cannot be repaired. My guess is when you left home, you jumped out of the 'frying pan - into the fire' here, and don't know any other way. Believe me, if a man does not treat you with respect, then he's not worth your time, energy, and emotions. You need to concentrate on yourself and your needs - and it will take a while since you are still growing.

Life is unpredictable enough each day we live, with other influences we have no control over, so at least take control of the part that you can and make it as stressless and comfortable as possible so that you have a 'heaven' when you go home and relax.

This jerk is not, again, not worth it. He is stressing you out to no end - don't let anyone on your life do this to you.

Whatever your choice, I wish you all the best of luck and comfort in getting to know what you really want in life - strive toward it and don't let go of the real you!



Please strive for peace and self-respect. The right guy will come along, and you've just begun your life - there is time!
What you are experiencing now is not loss of love, but anger that this is happening to you. You made the wrong choice, so what, change it and go on enjoying life and look at all the good things you've missed out on.

[samjg]

Thank you all for replying to my message, I love this man and he loves me. I just got out of hospital today as I went in for depression last night, I am now attending a program, and yes it is all because of the relationship, me and my man have spoken today and he has been really supportive and he is helping me through this as much as anyone could, he is moving out only for the better so we have some space to figure out what is going on, we both love each other and he hasn't been using me, trust me he isn't like that, I just been going through a really rough time and I will pull through, with his help! He is the man of my dreams, and no relatinship is perfect and I'm not looking for perfect this man is right for me and things will work out. I guess when I wrote that message I was wanting you to write what you all did, only so it was strangers telling me not just people I know, but I really need this man and I see how much it hurts him to know I'm going through this, but thank you all :)

[JoeCanada76]

Well, in the end the decision is yours to make. You yourself said that many people have giving you the same advice that we all just gave you. So I hope that everything works out well for you and good luck, you need it.

Joe

May you find peace in your life.

[samjg]

Thank you! I hope everything works out too! Thank you for your supprt, will let everyone know how things work out within the next week, thank you!
Yes may I find peace in m life

[Chery]

I'm glad to hear that he is not like the initial picture you painted of him. I hope you go to therapy and continue to work on yourself to be stronger and better able to cope with things that come your way instead of exploding. This will benefit you and certainly won't hurt. Many people need help in finding out the reasons they react in certain ways, and there is no shame in it at all - not the way the world is today.

I wish you all the best, and please keep us posted when you can. Please don't lose that focus on yourself! Then and only then, can you be stable and comfortable enough to share with others.

It's good that you are also getting his support - that says a lot about him. Hope to hear of a better ending to this story soon.

[samjg]

Thank you and yes I will keep you posted on how things end up. I know I am only young and this is just the start of my life and the things that will go on, I just wish it was a lot easier, but I know things will work out whether it be soon or in months or longer, things will get better and this too shall pass. But thank you :)

[kandy]

It will not work out he is to old for you and is not willing to settle down for any one so I can tell you you will not be happy with the out come of all of this but one day you will get tired of being used as a maid so I hope for now you to are happy

[samjg]

Well kandy, you can't really tell me he is to old for me and it is not going to work out and that he won't settle down. Mayb because this has happened to you, but it isn't guna happen to me! We have talked about our future together and we are both ready for it! I am not a maid to him... Yes I cook tea, breakfast and lunch but he also goes to work everyday buys a lot of things for me and before I got my job he was paying for everything that was the least I could do! And no you can't tell me I will not be happy with the outcome... are you a psychic? I don't know what the outcome will be but that is for me and my boyfriend to figure out, not for someone to tell me it won't,. and they know! Because you don't... I don't mind opinions but I don't like being told! But thank you anyway..

[Chery]

it will not work out he is to old for you and is not willing to settle down for any one so i can tell you you will not be happy with the out come of all of this but one day you will get tired of being used as a maid so i hope for now you to are happy

Hey, kandy - you're 17 and still have a lot to look forward to. You should look at yourself and your perception of how you see your life in the future - right now it's all negative. You need a more positive attitude and help in growing. Check on some teen sites so that you'll see that you are not alone, and not all things wind up as dismal as you paint them just because you've had some bad experiences.

Give life and opportunities a chance, don't right everything off - you're still young.

You need to get rid of some of your bitterness.
Good Luck.

[kandy]

I'm sorry for what my twin said that was not me kandy.please forgive her. I don't know why she said that. I think that it will work out if this is what you both want just don't let him use you pk please do not hold what my sisster said on me

[kp2171]

samjg

I'm not going to tell you you're wrong. I just think you could have so much more than this. If he is the man of your dreams, and you're feeling this way and he's acting this way, you need new dreams.

I do hope things work out for you... but I can tell you, as a guy who was with the girl of his dreams from 17 to 23, 6 years... in a relationship where things just seemed to get tough all the time, even though we genuinely loved each other (madly, intensely, wildly)... letting go of that relationship was tough as hell and the best thing I ever did.

All relationships take work. Just don't waste years trying to make something work. Maybe things will turn here and you'll both be in a better place.

I just had my 6 year anniversary last Friday. Very happily married. And I can tell you a strong relationship doesn't have to be constant work and compromise.

Things in my marriage have not always been easy... but man... compare this to the intense, consuming, maddening, frustrating experience that my other 6 year relationship was... I am only sorry I spent so much of my time and energy on something that didn't fit. We loved each other intensely... but it was too hard. And we wasted YEARS trying to pound the square peg into a round hole.

Just promise yourself you'll be open to the possibility of this working out, AND to the possibility of your needing to walk away.

Best regards.

[Depressed in MO]

Girl your situation sounds very similar to mine... It's not going to work out. I'm sorry to tell you that, but he is looking for away out. My man says he will never leave me and he wants to be together forever, and he doesn't want to move out or break up... but then every other day he is gone, he cheats, he lies, he's abusive (like your guy... maybe a little more often). We've been together for seven years, lived together for 6. We have three kids... Don't end up like me. I know it in my heart that I am slowly dying because of the man I am with, and yes, you can die from depression and a broken heart. I've lost 10 lbs in 7 days! Not good.
I know you are going to probably stay with him, and I should take my own advice, but woman to woman, the longer you are with him, the harder it is to leave, and the more history you build up; which in your mind, gives you a "reason" to stay with this person who doesn't really love you. He may think that he cares about you, but that is not caring, it is not love... it is nothing. I had my first baby when I was 17. Don't do it girl. Now I'm living my life with only knowing what I could have done.

[Wildcat21]

I don't know 16 is awful young to be any type of serious relationship at all. Period, end of story.

I am sorry, but your still a child. In the US this guy would go to jail. He is an adult... and I personally think a massive creep for shaking up with a 16 year old.

OF COURSE YOUR HAVING PROBLEM AND ARE CONFUSED!! You're still child. You shouldn't be going through this type of stuff so soon.

The human brain isn't even full developed until age 25.

Most women can't handle a seriosu relationship until around age 25.

You better be confused and depressed... this is right and it's really unhealthy. Of course you're having problems AT 16 YOU ARE NOT CABLE OF DEALING WITH A 23 YEAR MAN.

I am sorry in dealing with tough love... BUT OF COURSE YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE MASSIVE, MAJOR PROBLEM EMOTIONALLY - NO QUESTION.

You're still a kid!! Hello??

[Wildcat21]

This is major, massive abuse as well. I'd leave him now. Yesterday!

He is trying gto control you.