[linnealand]

I'm new here, so hello everybody! I posted something similar to what I want to put here in the etiquette section, but I didn't seem to be getting any answers over there. As long as I'm not breaking any rules, I was hoping I could ask all of you and the wedding experts for your advice. Maybe I'll have better luck with you guys! OK, here we go:

Within a year of my parents' divorce (after 37 years of marriage), my father got remarried. I have a younger sister (age 24), and I am 28. Neither of us were asked to play a part in the wedding party.

On my father's side of the wedding party were his parents, his best friend, and his brother-in-law (with whom he is certainly not close). On my step-mother's side of the wedding party were her mother, her sister, her best friend, and her nieces.

Extra details: I live in italy, and my father flew my very long-term boyfriend and I to miami and New York for the receptions. My sister, who can be very difficult to get along with, was staying in the family home with my father and (then) fiancé, and she wound up arguing regularly with our step-mother-to-be. I had only met my step-mother-to-be two times, which totaled about two and a half weeks of time together, before they were married.


I don't understand why I wasn't (or my sister and I weren't) asked to participate. I have considered the possibility that imperfect waters between my step-mother and my little sister led the bride and groom to decide that it wasn't the best idea, but if this is true I don't feel that it's fair for me to have been excluded. I had only been accepting and supportive of my father's girlfriend, to the extreme considering the circumstances, and I don't believe that most people in my position would have been so nice about it. Is it possible that the idea of putting us in the wedding party simply didn't cross their minds? I just don't get it. I haven't asked either one of them about this since I don't want to create issues.

Is it or is it not standard for a re-marrying couple to include their children/step-children-to-be in the wedding?

Due to poor planning, the arranged seating never went through, and my sister and I didn't even wind up sitting at their table at the big reception or at the rehearsal dinner.

What's the standard for these kinds of situations (i.e. parents getting remarried)? And what do you think is going on here?

[jjwoodhull]

Hi,

I understand why your feelings would be hurt by not being included in the wedding party. However, several things stood out to me in your story that could have factored into your father and step mother's decision.

First, perhaps they thought that asking you to be being in the wedding party would cause strife between you and your mother. You mentioned that your parents had a long marriage and he remarried relatively quickly. Maybe they didn't want to put you in the position of "betraying" your mother by standing up for your step mother.

Second, you mention conflict between your step mother and your sister. It would have been difficult for her to ask you to be in the wedding party without asking your sister. It would have been disingenuous for the bride to have your sister in the wedding while they are not on great terms.

Third, it can be very expensive to be a member of someone's wedding party. With you living overseas and your sister not be financially independent, perhaps they were trying to be considerate of your financial situations.

I am a wedding planner in NYC. I have seen countless reasons for why different couples have chosen specific people for their wedding parties - there are no longer standard rules for who should be included.

Regardless of their reasons, I think that if your father and step mother had discussed their choices with you it could have saved some hard feelings. HOWEVER, the fact that your father paid for you and your boyfriend to fly home shows how important it was to him that you be there. That's what really matters.

As for the poor seating arrangements... that just sounds like poor planning and lack of attention to detail. Don't take that personally.

Hope this helps a little!

[RedneckMama]

"is it or is it not standard for a re-marrying couple to include their children/step-children-to-be in the wedding?"

... I don't think there is such a thing as 'standard' when it comes to blended families! Ha! Seriously though, maybe since stepmom did not have a close relationship with the two of you she was not entirely sure whether you two condoned or rejected the idea of her marrying your father... and beyond that, there's the small issue of you not being even remotely close geographically to the event for all the pre-wedding rehearsals, dress fittings.. blah blah blah that goes along with a big wedding...
... In my opinion, unless I was close to my future stepdaughters and knew they'd be no less than thrilled for me to marry their father, it wouldn't even cross my mind to include them if they were grown women who lived out of daddy's house, busy living their own lives...

"due to poor planning, the arranged seating never went through, and my sister and i didn't even wind up sitting at their table at the big reception or at the rehearsal dinner."

... It is what it is... and even you knew where to place the blame on that one, 'poor planning'... unfortunate, but not purposeful...

"what's the standard for these kinds of situations (i.e. parents getting remarried)?"
... In my ever humble opinion, isn't a remarriage the same as a first marriage in that the bride is allowed to pick whomever she likes to be in her wedding party, even at the risk of burning some members of either side of the family... It may not be the most cordial decision, but it is hers alone to make...

"and what do you think is going on here?"
... Aside from what I mentioned above about geographical problems & time constraints, lack of a relationship between you, sis, and stepmom... I don't see any deception on the part of the stepmom as far as her trying to exclude you on purpose... I can see how you might add all of what happened up to mean such; but it'd be sad to do that if it's not true...