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    bummed89's Avatar
    bummed89 Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Jun 18, 2008, 02:21 AM
    Porn is taking over my relationship
    My boyfriend is ALWAYS watching porn. One day before he moved in we were talking about it and I told him I didn't mind if he watched it or not (which I really didn't.) Then he moved in with me and I realized how much he actually watched it. I still don't mind him watching it but it is taking over my relationship. The other night all I wanted was a kiss and it seemed like a big problem because he had to stop watching the porn to turn around and give me a kiss. He has also jumped up right after having sex to go look at it on the computer. I have told him that it bothers me that h watches it so much and he tells me sorry but NEVER stops. I want to be with him but I have no idea how to get him to stop watching porn. Any ideas?
    Choux's Avatar
    Choux Posts: 3,047, Reputation: 376
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    #2

    Jun 18, 2008, 01:07 PM
    One definition of a porn addict is that the porn becomes the object of desire... not the wife or partner. You are young, just move on. Don't saddle yourself with a lot of problems when you are young, girl. Life will bring plenty later on.
    progunr's Avatar
    progunr Posts: 1,971, Reputation: 288
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    #3

    Jun 18, 2008, 01:26 PM
    I too have watched my share of porn, I admit it freely.

    What I must say though is this: If I was involved, in an intimate way, with a woman, I felt no need or desire to view any porn.

    If I had the real thing available, I had no desire or need to view the porn. I'd much rather participate than be a spectator.

    If he chooses the porn, over you, he has a real problem.

    Rather than trying so hard to get what you want, from a man not willing to give it, I say you need to find a better man.

    I can't imagine my reaction if my wife got up from a passionate session of making love, and turned on Debbie Does Dallas, or Dallas Does Debbie!

    You don't have to put up with that, but it is up to you to decide when you've had enough.

    You can keep harping about it, he can keep apologizing, he can even promise to stop, but you know that it is not going to happen so it is up to you to put an end to the situation.
    Xrayman's Avatar
    Xrayman Posts: 1,177, Reputation: 193
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    #4

    Jun 18, 2008, 05:51 PM
    He is an addict.

    Move on he seems happy to let it ruin and remain in his life-i get the feeling that you don't, so move on.
    happy_jester's Avatar
    happy_jester Posts: 170, Reputation: 29
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    #5

    Jun 18, 2008, 06:04 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by progunr
    You can keep harping about it, he can keep apologizing, he can even promise to stop, but you know that it is not going to happen so it is up to you to put an end to the situation.

    I agree with "progunr"

    You seem to be in a rut,with your partner over his use of porn. You're in a "vicious circle" over this.

    You want him to stop,but he doesn't want to stop :( He's addicted
    The proof of that is seen when he would rather have porn on the computer,than you :(

    Only you can decide...
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #6

    Jun 18, 2008, 06:08 PM
    He has a problem, give him a choice porn or you, if he wants to stop, put porn blockers on the computer, and let him get help to kick the habit.
    Dreamer's Avatar
    Dreamer Posts: 76, Reputation: 13
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    #7

    Jun 18, 2008, 06:36 PM
    I have to agree with the posts already made. He is addicted and he needs help.

    I can honestly and sincerely speak from personal experience here. I was with my ex for 7 years. He had a problem as well and would stop at nothing to "get his fix," even if it meant ruining our relationship. I can't tell you how many times I heard "I'm sorry" but those words were empty and I suspect that your boyfriend's are as well or else he would not continue, or at the very least make a sincere effort to change and seek out some help. (I'm sure if you asked him, there is no problem to fix - denial being one of the cornerstones of addiction) The problem here is actually quite serious because the real impact will be felt by you, not him. You will lose trust in him (if you haven't already) because he is not following through on his word and losing trust alone is absolutely detrimental to any relationship. It will cause you to question his every word or move, thus making you suspicious and perhaps even controlling at times even with the best of intentions. Even more scary than losing trust is the fact that men or women who are involved with porn addicts eventually begin to question their own appeal (i.e. Am I not pretty/good looking enough? Do I not have what it takes to make and keep someone happy?) and that is NOT OK. These effects on your self-esteem last long after the relationship is said & done. Many times these feelings of yourself creep up without warning and you may not even realize the damage it's doing to your confidence.

    Bottom line: I think it's time to move on and find a man who will honor you, treasure you and treat you like a lady, the way you deserve to be treated. Please do not waste your time with a guy who can't see what he has right in front of him. I'm not saying he's a bad person - I'm saying he's sick and addicted to pornography and only he can help himself. You can't do that for him and you shouldn't even try. Nothing you can say will make him want to stop, and even if you could, his attempt would not be sincere because he did not initiate it for himself but rather for you. Typically that never turns out well because somewhere done the line resentment will rear its ugly head. Just always remember that this is NOT about you, you've done nothing wrong to warrant this behavior and you are worth SO much more. Please reconsider being with this person until (if/when) he gets help. You should never have to compete for time or affection with images on a screen. The consequences of staying with him and trying to "help" him are far more serious than you realize at this time. I left my ex years & years ago but I'm still dealing with those self-esteem defects within myself to this day, even though I have an amazingly wonderful husband that treats me like a woman should be. Please don't do this to yourself. I wish you the very best. Please give all of these wonderful posts in reply to your question some serious thought.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #8

    Jun 18, 2008, 07:41 PM
    You can't help an addict, he must want to help himself. My advice, get him out of your life.
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,318, Reputation: 1612
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    #9

    Jun 18, 2008, 08:33 PM
    External sexual stimulation can be a healthy part of a relationship. My issue with porn is that some couples can share it just fine and have it enhance their bedroom, while in other relationships it takes energy away from the relationship and causes rifts...

    Now... you say it was OK for him to watch porn until you knew how much he watched it. Would your reaction been different if it was sports he was watching when he wouldn't break away to give you a kiss? Or would it have been as insulting if he was in the middle of a book?

    Really... nobody can make the decision for you concerning what is acceptable or not. If it is distracting from the relationship, its an issue worth talking about.

    I'm not a big fan of porn. Sure, there are aspects I find stimulating and interesting, but I think much too often it gets abused and takes energy away from the relationship. I do absolutely acknowledge that some couples do a good job of using it as an enhancement to their sexual relationship. But in some cases, there isn't balance.

    So... don't feel bad changing your mind. How's life in the bedroom? Is he a giving and generous lover? Does he work to please you? Do you both talk openly about sex and what you like and want?

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