[msir]

I ama father of to the first child is 9 yrs old and lives in NC. Ihave no relationship with that child since 4 yrs ago. I have visitation and CS but at this point I have chosen not to have a relationship with that child. (Currently, the court is not aware of this) The second child is 15 months, by a different woman, and is in md. I am am originally from FL but currently reside in DC. I have no family here. Prior to my return to fl, I got a girlfrend pregnant with the 2nd child. We broke up before the birth. She filed for custody immediately afer the child was born. I didn't respond until after a default order was approved and I got it vacated. Mom said I was trying to prolong the case. I was unemployed before and after the child was born because I was a fulltme student living off VA benefits and a school stipend. (At the first hearing, the court was aware I was unemployed because of school and master was not very happy about that) I did not get to see the child (since brith) until court visitation in January when child was 10 months old. Temp order has me paying support and visiting child every other weekend, which I have done both. Last year I met a new girlfriend and we have been living together since. I graduated school in May and recently got a job. Up until now, girlfriend has been supporting me. I would like to get full custody of the child with mom paying child support. Mom is currently employed, has a house. Makes more than me. This is her hometown so all of her family is here. Child has been living with her snce birth. We were never married. Child is still young. I am not a criminal, no history of abuse. I want to know my chances of getting full custody based on the merits of our history.

[froggy7]

Slim to none. You have one child that you are not visiting, and that I am not sure you are sending child support for. That wasn't clear in your post. Your ex-girlfriend seems to have been supporting you, you've just moved in with a new woman (and, given your history, the odds that there is a new baby soon seem high), you don't currently say that you are employed. Does that sound like a better environment for a 15-month-old than a parent that has a house, a job, and a family support system? To be quite honest, it sounds to me like someone who is looking for a sugarmama to pay his bills so that he doesn't have to take responsibility for his child.

[msir]

Slim to none. You have one child that you are not visiting, and that I am not sure you are sending child support for. That wasn't clear in your post. Your ex-girlfriend seems to have been supporting you, you've just moved in with a new woman (and, given your history, the odds that there is a new baby soon seem high), you don't currently say that you are employed. Does that sound like a better environment for a 15-month-old than a parent that has a house, a job, and a family support system? To be quite honest, it sounds to me like someone who is looking for a sugarmama to pay his bills so that he doesn't have to take responsibility for his child.

I am working now. I just started two weeks ago. Federal government. Ex and I go back to court in September. I want the court to see a change in my circumstance. I now have a good job. I don't own a home but I have a decent apartment. Why should it matter whether I am paying support of the other child? Shouldn't the court only focus on my effort to be a father with this child? Are there any other coments from other experts on the site?

[JudyKayTee]

I am working now. I just started two weeks ago. Federal government. Ex and I go back to court in september. I want the court to see a change in my circumstance. I now have a good job. I dont own a home but I have a decent apartment. Why should it matter whether or not I am paying support of the other child? Shouldnt the court only focus on my effort to be a father with this child? Are there any other coments from other experts on the site?

The Court will look at the whole picture - your past behavior, other children, your marital situation, your general stability, who supports you, your school record. More importantly if you want sole physical custody (is that what you want?) what is your ability to parent this child... and more importantly, why should the mother lose custody? Is she unfit in some way?

Maybe joint custody, maybe visitation -

I think your "you want to have custody with the Mom paying support" says the whole thing. Nowhere do I see one word about your love for this child but I sure see a lot about money!

[smokedetector]

JudyKayTee is right, they will look at all of that. Your chances are slim to none of getting full custody because the court likes to see the child have a relationship with both parents, unless doing so would be detrimental to the child (ie unfit parent,abusive relationship, etc). If she has been raising this child since birth and has not been declared unfit, there is almost no chance the judge would take her child away and give him/her to you just because you feel like raising this one. As far as joint custody, you have a better chance, but why did you let it go so long to where you had to go back and get it vacated? The judge will want to know know why you want a relationship with this child and not the other and why you didn't want a relationship with this child until a while after he/she was born. If you have good reasons than you might be able to pull off joint custody, but they'd probably have to be really good reasons.

[msir]

JudyKayTee is right, they will look at all of that. Your chances are slim to none of getting full custody because the court likes to see the child have a relationship with both parents, unless doing so would be detrimental to the child (ie unfit parent,abusive relationship, etc). If she has been raising this child since birth and has not been declared unfit, there is almost no chance the judge would take her child away and give him/her to you just because you feel like raising this one.

I am not abusive, unfit, or any negative thing, so why shouldn't I have just as much prenting time as the mother?

As far as joint custody, you have a better chance, but why did you let it go so long to where you had to go back and get it vacated?

Are you saying I have a chance a 50/50 custody with no CS? I don't know. I had 60 days to respond to the summons and didn't then the mother filed a default. I had 30 days to respond and didn't, but I was still able to get the order vacated. I was swamped with school work and lost track of time.

The judge will want to know know why you want a relationship with this child and not the other and why you didn't want a relationship with this child until a while after he/she was born.

My answer to the judge: The mother has withheld the child from contact with me so I wasn unable to deal with pressure of trying to contact the child. To date, I am not sure where the mother and my other child are.

If you have good reasons than you might be able to pull off joint custody, but they'd probably have to be really good reasons.

I have no other reason other than I want to be a father to this child. I have expressed some statemetns to the mother that she says she will use against me. She knows about my issues with the other child and she seems to think I am giving gender preference to the fact that his child is a boy, and my first child is a girl.

[ScottGem]

I'm with the others, I think your chances of full custody are very slim. As you pointed out, the mother's family is all in the area yet you have little support. You have been irresponsible about sex fathering two children out of wedlock. You might improve your chances if you were married, but it would still be a longshot.

You stand a much better chance of joint custody, maybe every other week until the child starts school, then, unless you lived close enough so he could stay in the same school, one parent will have to be given preference.

But I'm also bothered by your remark:

Are you saying I have a chance a 50/50 custody with no CS?

Again, it seems to show that you are more concerned with the financial issues.

Yes its often unfair that the mother is given preferences in custody cases. This is changing, but I don't see it your case. Your history precludes it.

[JudyKayTee]

I am not abusive, unfit, or any negative thing, so why shouldnt I have just as much prenting time as the mother?

Are you saying I have a chance a 50/50 custody with no CS? I dont know. I had 60 days to respond to the summons and didnt then the mother filed a default. I had 30 days to respond and didnt, but I was still able to get the order vacated. I was swamped with school work and lost track of time.

My answer to the judge: The mother has witheld the child from contact with me so I wasn unable to deal with pressure of trying to contact the child. To date, I am not sure where the mother and my other child are.

I have no other reason other than I want to be a father to this child. I have expressed some statemetns to the mother that she says she will use against me. She knows about my issues with the other child and she seems to think I am giving gender preference to the fact that his child is a boy, and my first child is a girl.

I am not smokedetector but I am jumping in here - the Court could very well see you as negligent, not being in contact or trying to be in contact with your children, abdicating your responsibilities. You didn't say you wanted as much time with the child as the mother has - you asked about full custody, MORE time with the child than the mother.

Your past history - didn't respond to the summons, default against you, swamped with school work, no time, you were unable to deal with the pressure, haven't hired anyone to locate the mother and child - does NOT read well on paper. May not be the case but it does read like excuse, excuse, excuse. And what happens if you DO get custody and are under pressure, again? I think a good Attorney on the other side will make mincemeat out of you.

You have "expressed some statements" which the mother may use against you? Sounds like you have shot yourself in the foot. Again - Attorney, mincemeat.

The Court will decide which of you is the more stable parent or if it's a tie, split custody, but I see no way you are going to get sole custody.

So come back after the proceeding and prove me wrong - I'm always open to learning something.

[msir]

I am not smokedetector but I am jumping in here - the Court could very well see you as negligent, not being in contact or trying to be in contact with your children, abdicating your responsibilities. You didn't say you wanted as much time with the child as the mother has - you asked about full custody, MORE time with the child than the mother.

Your past history - didn't respond to the summons, default against you, swamped with school work, no time, you were unable to deal with the pressure, haven't hired anyone to locate the mother and child - does NOT read well on paper. May not be the case but it does read like excuse, excuse, excuse. And what happens if you DO get custody and are under pressure, again? I think a good Attorney on the other side will make mincemeat out of you.

You have "expressed some statements" which the mother may use against you? Sounds like you have shot yourself in the foot. Again - Attorney, mincemeat.

The Court will decide which of you is the more stable parent or if it's a tie, split custody, but I see no way you are going to get sole custody.

So come back after the proceeding and prove me wrong - I'm always open to learning something.

Thank you for your insite. I now believe I am just as stable as the mother. I just started working a full time federal job, with good benefits. I live w/ my girlfriend who helps in caring for the child. The mother does not have the in home helps she needs. Two sets of hands are better than one, right? I can, if needed, provide the medical insurance for the child on my insurance. I don't see why I can't get shared physical and legal at this point. I don't think the mother has a leg to stand on to prevent me from having shared parenting time with the child.

Now If I were to get shared parenting time, will the calculatoin for CS change, or can the courts deviate from the CS and still make me pay the full CS amount?

[ScottGem]

See there you go again. All you seem to care about is how much support you have to pay. You don't think a judge will see through that? A live in girlfriend does not qualify as a stable environment.

I do think you stand a good chance of joint physical and legal custody, which should affect your support. But, frankly, I think you care more about the support issue then being a parent and I hope the judge sees that.

[JudyKayTee]

thank you for your insite. I now believe I am just as stable as the mother. I just started working a full time federal job, with good benefits. I live w/ my gf who helps in caring for the child. the mother does not have the in home helps she needs. Two sets of hands are better than one, right? I can, if needed, provide the medical insurance for the child on my insurance. I dont see why I can't get shared physical and legal at this point. I dont think the mother has a leg to stand on to prevent me from having shared parenting time with the child.

Now If I were to get shared parenting time, will the calculatoin for CS change, or can the courts deviate from the CS and still make me pay the full CS amount?

Once again, are you talking sole custody (which you originally posted) or shared custody? Now you are talking "shared parenting time." Which is it?

I know you think you're as stable as the mother - but it's what the Court thinks based on the evidence that is going to count. The Court will evaluate her life, your life, make a decision based on what is best for the child. Less than a month of employment (Feds or not) may not qualify as "long-term stable employment."

Will the Court accept a live-in girlfriend as a caretaker? I don't know. Some Courts won't consider anyone who isn't a married partner. I don't know about your area. I know, I know - you could split up, a married couple could divorce. I don't make the rules, I just report them.

The person with physical custody will receive child support - why are you so fixated on the child support? No, if you have the child for alternate weekends (or something) it will NOT reduce your support, at least not in NYS. Most States fix support by Statute now (with a few exceptions) so ask your Attorney what you can expect to pay.

[msir]

See there you go again. All you seem to care about is how much support you have to pay. You don't think a judge will see through that? A live in girlfriend does not qualify as a stable environment.

I do think you stand a good chance of joint physical and legal custody, which should affect your support. But, frankly, I think you care more about the support issue then being a parent and I hope the judge sees that.

What kind of schedule should I expect with a child of this age at joint custody?

[msir]

Once again, are you talking sole custody (which you originally posted) or shared custody? Now you are talking "shared parenting time." Which is it?

When I counter filed, I asked for sole custody and child support. You guys keep mentioning I have no chance a full custody, so I guess I have to settle for joint. The mother is not going to want that so it looks like we will have to fight it out in court?

I know you think you're as stable as the mother - but it's what the Court thinks based on the evidence that is going to count. The Court will evaluate her life, your life, make a decision based on what is best for the child. Less than a month of employment (Feds or not) may not qualify as "long-term stable employment."

Well, we go back to court in September, I would have two months of employment under myself by that time.

The person with physical custody will receive child support - why are you so fixated on the child support? No, if you have the child for alternate weekends (or something) it will NOT reduce your support, at least not in NYS. Most States fix support by Statute now (with a few exceptions) so ask your Attorney what you can expect to pay.

Its not about cs. I would like to spend as much time as I can with the child. In my state 35%overnights is considered shared custody. EOW, combined with vacation and holidays should give me about 35% for shared custody calculation.

[MsMewiththat]

This is not "Let's make a deal", you are not negotiating the price of a house or a car. You are referring to real life business. Please stop. Pay your support and visit your child. Learn why we love our children and don't equate them to the money we spend on them. You need to take the time to learn to love your child and not see the $'s. I'm saddened by the fact that you look at your child as a bill. The previous posters are so correct that all this is about is the dollar. That is not sufficient reason to grant you "50/50 custody". At best you are looking at visitation and joint legal custody.

[msir]

Mom doesn't want shared custody. She says the child is too young and getting him back on his schedule is already a pain after my visistaion weekend. Also we live about 40 min away from each other. That shouldn't make a difference should it?

[ScottGem]

If its not about CS then why do you harp so much on it?

If I were the judge, I would start you off with joint legal custody, award the mother primary physical custody, but give you generous visitation. Since the child is preschool at this point, I would suggest alternate weekends, alternate holidays, maybe one week a month. etc. I would then revist this in 2 years and see how things are going.

The mother does have a point about the age of the child and having a routine. Once the child is in the twos, that becomes less a factor. Yes living 40 min away will make a difference, especially when the child starts school. At that point, the child has to stay primarily with the parent near where he goes to school.

[excon]

Hello m:

SHE will remain the custodial parent. You're going to get every other weekend, and two weeks in the summer. You're going to pay child support coming out your ears. Furthermore, in order to even get THAT visitation, the judge is going to require you to support your OTHER children too.

Yes, you're a wonderful fellow now, but you WEREN'T. If you can STAY a wonderful fellow, go back to court in a couple years and show the judge that you ARE. Maybe he'll change the order. Maybe he won't.

That's my opinion, and I'm sticking with it.

excon

PS> I actually, don't think you're so wonderful... abandoning your daughter. Nope, I think you suck. She was FIVE when you threw her away! I don't think you deserve ANY kids.

[msir]

Hello m:

SHE will remain the custodial parent. You're going to get every other weekend, and two weeks in the summer. You're going to pay child support coming out your ears. Furthermore, in order to even get THAT visitation, the judge is going to require you to support your OTHER children too.

Yes, you're a wonderful fellow now, but you WEREN'T. If you can STAY a wonderful fellow, go back to court in a couple years and show the judge that you ARE. Maybe he'll change the order. Maybe he won't.

That's my opinion, and I'm sticking with it.

excon

PS> I actually, don't think you're so wonderful.... abandoning your daughter. Nope, I think you suck. She was FIVE when you threw her away! I don't think you deserve ANY kids.

Excon how can you just outright say I will not get custody based on the other child. I told you the mother of that child has keptme from being involved. I am a very upstanding guy, military veteran. I do think the only thing against me is the ltter I wrote to the court. I mentioned that I requested a reduction in CS with no answer. I still haven't received the paternity results, I only get 4 days a month, and that the mother has been a pain in the neck. I can't take that back, but I may have to explain myself in court. I was pretty frustrated at the time. It was regarding a contempt for visitation but I needed to vent. I don't think 4 days a month is helpful in me having a relationship with my child, yet that is what the judge ordered. He didn't even say I could get the holidays in between. NOw do to a continuance, I have to wait a few more months to go back to court. Im a little glad about it in that now I have a job and I expect things to be better in my case.

[msir]

If its not about CS then why do you harp so much on it?

If I were the judge, I would start you off with joint legal custody, award the mother primary physical custody, but give you generous visitation. Since the child is preschool at this point, I would suggest alternate weekends, alternate holidays, maybe one week a month. etc. I would then revist this in 2 years and see how things are going.

The mother does have a point about the age of the child and having a routine. Once the child is in the twos, that becomes less a factor. Yes living 40 min away will make a difference, especially when the child starts school. At that point, the child has to stay primarily with the parent near where he goes to school.

I think joint legal is bs. Medical and education decisions are a no brainer. The only thing is, when baby was first born mom says she wants private school for the child. Why would I say no to private school or my child gettting necessary medical attention. My concern is that when the child is older, it will be tough for activities. Mom says she will not agree to any negotiation in the schedule other than what is in the order, and any information I need regarind medical, education, I have to go to the school to get it myself. She says the programs she puts him in outside of school are for her time with her child. That's going to affect the child if I can't be there. Suppose he has a soccer game on her weekend and she chooses not to take him... then what. I mean, this coparenting thing is going to suck.

[excon]

Excon how can you just outright say I will not get custody based on the other child.

Hello again, m:

Because you're batting .500. In order to get custody, you'll need to bat 1.000.

excon