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Catseyes · Mar 13, 2006, 06:41 PM

Well, Orange, I want to express to you how much I feel for you.
AS you said, you signed papers for adopting the children in case of... Usually, someone signs those papers without imagining something could really happen. Unfortunately, it did.
There will of course be some difficult times with the kids : their parents are gone, it will be tough on them, and when they'll be teenagers, you may hear stuff like " shut up, you're not my mother ". But in the end, these kids love you for what you've already done, and for what you will do.
Of course, I think it won't be very easy with giving birth soon, but now you should focus on your family and enjoy life as much as possible. That's a humbling lesson.

I am not mentioning the following to give you a lecture, but just to prove that I understand ( I am 24, besides ):
My grandsparents ( dad's parents, sole child ) committed suicide in May. It was a shock for me (and my dad of course). After that, there were difficult times, but now I've learned that some things do matter, and others do not.
I used to yell at my husband for some things he would do ( or not do... ). Now I don't. I'm like: that's not what matters.

Feel free to send me private messages if you'd like more personal support.
Best wishes for a brighter future to you and your husband.

mrs.pennell · Mar 13, 2006, 08:22 PM

I have confidence that you will be wonderful "adoptive" parents, Chava. Your brother-in-law and his wife would not have chosen you if they did not believe that. The children will be lucky to have you and Alex in their lives. I know it is hard, but you love them and things will fall into place. Have faith.

JoeCanada76 · Mar 13, 2006, 10:21 PM

Your going to be wonderful. Do not worry so much. Yes, it will be challenging at times and there are things to work through. Be positive and except help whenever you need it.

Joe

orange · Mar 13, 2006, 10:22 PM

Thanks catseyes and mrs. pennell... I'm glad you have faith in me because right now Alex and I sure don't have very much faith in ourselves! I'm 26, and I suddenly feel VERY young to be doing all of this... but oh well like you guys say, it will likely all work out for the best. And I DID want a big family... 4 or 5 kids... I just never thought I'd be getting my wish so soon. Anyway it's sad for the kids, so sad... it's funny because I still feel really, really unreal about Sam and Rachel being gone. I still expect them to come back. But at the same time I feel very sad for the children. I hope I don't spoil them because of it, either. At least I have this entire week (during the shiva) to be with the children and have them get a little used to us. During shiva all the relatives stay in one house together and don't leave even for a walk or shopping. So we are "cooped up" together for the whole week, and the kids have actually claimed my bed and are sleeping with me, with poor Alex banished to the couch.

Thanks again for your kind words.

Your going to be wonderful. Do not worry so much. Yes, it will be challenging at times and there are things to work through. Be positive and except help whenever you need it.

Joe

Oh and you, too, Joe! Thanks so much. It feels nice to hear that I will be wonderful! I hope you're right.

talaniman · Mar 13, 2006, 10:38 PM

I'm sure your on an absolute roller coaster about now but I hope as you catch your breath you'll realize the wonderful blessing that GOD has chosen you and your husband for. He must think you have a lot of love to give to put HIS most precious creations in your hands.I think HE made a perfect choice.:cool: :)

orange · Mar 13, 2006, 11:34 PM

Thanks so much talaniman. I really didn't think of it in terms of us being chosen, but that's actually a really nice thought... you could very well be right! If we were chosen as you say, I certainly hope we live up to the expectation. I have so many doubts right now. But thanks I was really touched by that statement!

jduke44 · Mar 14, 2006, 02:05 PM

Orange, I am sorry to hear about your loss. I just read this. I know your brother-in-laws kids are important but you do need to take care of yourself also for your baby's sake. Try, try, try to get some sleep. Take as much help as you can get. Wow, I know this must be very hard. I am so glad to hear they got the papers signed and everything so the kids could be taken care of. You will do fine. My prayers are with you.

Cgirl · Mar 14, 2006, 02:30 PM

You are in my thoughts and prayers, I am very sorry to hear of you loss

orange · Mar 14, 2006, 03:21 PM

Originally Posted by jduke44

Orange, I am sorry to hear about your loss. I just read this. I know your brother-in-laws kids are important but you do need to take care of yourself also for your baby's sake. Try, try, try to get some sleep. Take as much help as you can get. Wow, I know this must be very hard. I am so glad to hear they got the papers signed and everything so the kids could be taken care of. You will do fine. My prayers are with you.

I am still having trouble with sleeping, but I was able to get about 6 hours last night, and during the day there's not much to do because of the shiva, so I've been lying on the couch a lot and today I even had a nap. So I think I'm getting a little more rest. Thanks for your concern, I'm a bit worried about the baby too!

Thanks to you as well, cgirl. I appreciate it!

Irulan · Mar 14, 2006, 05:23 PM

O,

Time, patience and much love will bring your new acquired family into a solid united circle, am sure of it.

You have several advantages:

1 The children and you are already family, so the transition from aunt to mom will not take that long.

2 You have been offered financial help which will surely remove monetary problems and aid towards a smooth transition.

3 Your maternal instincts will awaken the moment your child is born. That instinct will calm and allay your fears.

Wishing you a safe journey home,

Irulan

orange · Mar 15, 2006, 01:10 PM

Thanks Irulan. Those are all very practical and positive advantages, which I wasn't really thinking about. My mind is still pretty much muddled and the exhaustion is really sinking in now, but I very much appreciate the confidence you and everyone else has shown in me.

As a kind of update, I actually slept in until 1 pm today! I made Alex sleep in the bed with the children, and I took a spare bedroom with a single bed, locked the door and pulled down the drapes. It was great. I haven't slept that long for quite a few days now. I still feel very tired, but one more night of sleeping so well and I should be back to my normal sleeping pattern. I had strange nightmares though, so that was pretty disturbing.

The shiva is going well, but we're all tired and anxious for it to be over I think. It's hard to be cooped up in the house for such a long period, especially with the weather being so nice outside. Visitors are coming and going all day, and every evening about 35-40 members of the congregation come over to help us say kaddish. The 5 children (our 2 plus our other sister-in-law's 3) basically run wild through the house for most of the day. At least they wear themselves out enough so that they get to sleep at a decent time. Anyway the whole thing is very overwhelming.

I feel like kind of a cold person because I still haven't cried. I am very sad though, and I've never been much of a crier. I guess I shouldn't be so hard on myself.

Irulan · Mar 15, 2006, 03:12 PM

I see the use of 'our' when referring to the children; that is an excellent beginning!!

About not crying, don't worry, you will later when you are at home and you can grieve without the public display or the mass of people around. Shiva is public and stressing; it leaves one no time for private grieving.

Don't feel that you are cold, lack of tears now is most probably due to the stress, it is your body protecting you from the tension for now. You have had a double shock, and the body has a tendency to self protect at such times.

orange · Mar 16, 2006, 10:08 PM

Thanks Irulan. That makes me feel a little better. I was starting to think I was a really bad person, because I still haven't cried and right now my mind is occupied with all kinds of practical details, like us flying home next week, the new pets that the kids will be bringing with them and how they will get along with our current pets, the new house we need to buy, as ours is too small for (soon to be!) 3 kids plus 5 pets, parenting the kids, activities for them, nearby schools, etc, etc... my mind is racing. I've always been "cool in a crisis" while everyone else is falling apart around me. Sometimes it makes me feel a little inhuman.

You're certainly right about shiva. I'm very anxious for it to be over. Thanks again for your support.

mrs.pennell · Mar 17, 2006, 04:15 PM

If it makes you feel a little better... I have 5 pets right now and its not as hard as it sounds. I'd say your husband is thankful that you are good under pressure, I'm sure right now he needs that. :)

orange · Mar 17, 2006, 08:38 PM

Oh thanks Mrs. Pennell... yeah Alex said he was glad when he married me that I am so "low maintenance". Err. But it's true, I'm really quite calm most of the time regardless of what's going on around me.

What 5 pets do you have? Our new zoo consists of 2 guinea pigs, a siamese cat and 2 labs, one yellow and one chocolate.

mrs.pennell · Mar 18, 2006, 06:29 AM

I have one very stubborn husky mix puppy, two cats and two bunnies! Based on my experience, I would say the guinea pigs will be the most time consuming of all 5! You'll have to clean their cages and whatnot...

It's a zoo here too! But I wouldn't have it any other way. :D I guess you'll be going home soon?

orange · Mar 18, 2006, 11:33 AM

Originally Posted by mrs.pennell

Based on my experience, I would say the guinea pigs will be the most time consuming of all 5! You'll have to clean their cages and whatnot...

Ugh yeah... guinea pigs. I never thought I'd be having those little squeakers again. They are very cute but you're right, a ton of work. Since there's 2 of them in one cage, I think it will need to be cleaned daily. But hopefully, since the pigs are the children's pets, they will help with the cleaning and eventually learn to do it all themselves.

I guess you'll be going home soon?

Funny you should say that, because we were supposed to stay a few more days, but then the hospital called and Alex's replacement for Monday can't cover for him after all. So Alex wants to fly home tonight, so he has Sunday to recouperate a bit before going back to work. I could stay longer, but since he's going, I really want to leave too... so it looks like we're all going back late tonight! Originally, the children were going to stay with their grandparents for a couple of weeks while we prepared for them. But we had a family meeting 2 nights ago and everyone agreed it would be easier on the children to go now. Their original house is going to get packed up and stuff auctioned off, etc, so it's best if they don't see that happening. All their possessions are being sent to us in a moving van. Anyway I'm very excited to be leaving. Usually I love Vancouver, but because of the shiva we haven't been able to go outside at all, and I am tired of being cooped up.

mrs.pennell · Mar 18, 2006, 06:39 PM

I don't blame you for being tired of having to stay in the one house. I don't really know much about sitting shiva, but I am sure that it is stressful being having to stay inside all week with grieving family members. Sometimes you just need a break! How are the children holding up? This must be very difficult for them but they are young and adaptable.

Good luck travelling home with them, and finding a new home. I know you must be disappointed that you aren't moving into the house you just bought but I'm sure things will work out.

And with regards to the guinea pigs: I think you definitely have the right idea by getting the children to help out with their cages. Eventually they can take over responsibility altogether... that should make things easier!

Take care,

Robyn

orange · Mar 18, 2006, 08:07 PM

Hi Robyn! Don't think I knew your name before today...

Yes shiva is hard work. You stay inside with all the family for a week, and you're not allowed to do any work or cooking, or have any really enjoyable recreation. Visitors bring food and anything else you need. Basically you just sit around all day and visit with people, sleep or eat. I understand the significance of it for mourning, but I'm sure Sam and Rachel woulldn't care for us driving each other crazy for the week. I think if I ever have to sit shiva in my own home I'm going to modernize it a bit.

The children are doing as well as can be expected. They cry off and on, and have nightmares, but mostly they've been fairly calm. During shiva they have basically been allowed to do whatever they want and run wild through the house. I have a feeling there's going to be a total meltdown once we get back to our house and settle into a routine and rules. I can hardly wait! :eek:

Thanks for the travel wishes. We leave for the airport in a couple of hours, and I am really pumped! I just had a funny thought... we are both Canadians, but here I am in Vancouver, practically the very western edge of the country, and you are on very eastern edge, haha. It's just after 7 pm here, and I imagine it's 12:30 am there? Wow we live in such a big country!

orange · Mar 19, 2006, 11:19 AM

Well as an update, we are back home again, got in VERY late last night, but everything went well. Everyone, including the children, slept in until 10 am, so that was great. Alex surprised me by making a big breakfast of pancakes and sausages. Then we went to pick up Murphy at the kennel, brought him home and introduced him to his new dog pal Cuddles. Then all hell broke loose, as the dogs absolutely loved each other and went tearing around the house playfighting (and they are BIG dogs!), and the children went tearing around, too. I banished the dogs to the backyard, and Alex took the kids tobagganing for the afternoon so I can rest. He really is a great husband, I feel very lucky!

So I'm just trying to take it easy for the rest of the day. Alex said he will pick up take out for supper too. Usually I am very health conscious but today I don't care. It's great to be home, even though we will be moving again within the month!